How can you tell if someone is becoming abusive?
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If women have always seeked equality, then that should tell us something.
Yes, it tells us that both woman and man have not figured it out yet. Because most of the time it's always surface level typical things that is talked about.
Generalisation.
Generalisation for you perhaps, but as I said, I've asked and this is the response I've gotten. You still didn't anwer the question. Plus since you brought it up, generalisation may also be said about alot of advice on this thread.
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Today it's raining a bit here in SD. It's nice we need the rain here. When it rains the snails come out, and today at glance I saw one and thought how great God and His Plan are. At a quick glance a snail may appear to be standing still, when it's moving. Moving so slowly , slowly progressing, much like human kind .. but it will reach it's destination. It's all within the Plan of Allah...
Anyway here's an alternate view.. some may agree some may not... it's not a bible.. just another view of the typical..
Esther Vilar (born September 16, 1935) is a German writer born in 1935 in Buenos Aires, Argentina. She wrote the book The Manipulated Man (1971) and its follow-up The polygamous sex (1976). She trained and practised as a medical doctor originally.
The Manipulated Man was quite popular at the time of it's release, in part due to the considerable press coverage it received. The author Esther Vilar also appeared on The Tonight Show to discuss the book. Controversy surrounding the book's main tenets led to the author receiving death threats in connection with them. In fact, comparative to Salman Rushdie's experience, she has reported that she has received decades of scorn
"So I hadn't imagined broadly enough the isolation I would find myself in after writing this book. Nor had I envisaged the consequences which it would have for subsequent writing and even for my private life" - violent threats have not ceased to this date. - Esther Vilar, August 1998
The main idea behind the book is that women are not oppressed by men, but rather control men in a relationship that is to their advantage but which most men are not aware of.
http//en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Esther_Vilar
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Yes, it tells us that both woman and man have not figured it out yet. Because most of the time it's always surface level typical things that is talked about.
Oft times, what it appears as is what it is.
Generalisation for you perhaps, but as I said, I've asked and this is the response I've gotten.
Responses can vary. I have gotten different responses, that's why its a generalisation.You still didn't anwer the question. Plus since you brought it up, generalisation may also be said about alot of advice on this thread.
I did answer the question, it was in my response. As to the advice being generalisation, refer back to comment one on my previous post.
Anyway here's an alternate view..
I miss esimsek100.
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you mean this?
No, I just wrote it because I like writing things for the heck of it.
you don't sound so sure...
Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
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No, I just wrote it because I like writing things for the heck of it.
Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
You know for people (mods) who keep talking about peace and rules etc., you guys don't follow your own words too much. Why the sarcasm and the suspicions? You don't seem to read the words for what they are worth, but rather make up ideas in your own head of what they might mean. It's likes Tay's "vibes". )
I keep explaining to you guys that you are continuely judging me and my words incorrectly.
You said, "might see the man as an equal. "
"might" my dear is not for sure.. suit yourselves. But know you are incorrect. If anything, your "reaction" might be what is absurd.
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No need for dramatics because you didn't understand what the quote meant in the context of the reply XD!
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Peace All
What defines abuse in a relationship? What are the signs? Are there any tell-tale signs that show that someone could be abusive in the future? Someone told me if someone is being very controlling its a sign of bad things to come like physical or mental abuse.
Just wanted to hear your thoughts from experience/real life stories any of you may have encountered, rather than what "statistics" or "psychology" tells me
checked it up from http//www.womensaid.org.uk and the list they gave there was quite good in my opinion. I'll paste it here, maybe that helps a bit to define it
What are the signs of domestic violence?
Destructive criticism and verbal abuse shouting/mocking/accusing/name calling/verbally threatening
Pressure tactics sulking, threatening to withhold money, disconnect the telephone, take the car away, commit suicide, take the children away, report you to welfare agencies unless you comply with his demands regarding bringing up the childre, lying to your friends and family about you, telling you that you have no choice in any decisions.
Disrespect persistently putting you down in front of other people, not listening or responding when you talk, interrupting your telephone calls, taking money from your purse without asking, refusing to help with childcare or housework.
Breaking trust lying to you, withholding information from you, being jealous, having other relationships, breaking promises and shared agreements.
Isolation monitoring or blocking your telephone calls, telling you where you can and cannot go, preventing you from seeing friends and relatives.
Harassment following you, checking up on you, opening your mail, repeatedly checking to see who has telephoned you, embarrassing you in public.
Threats making angry gestures, using physical size to intimidate, shouting you down, destroying your possessions, breaking things, punching walls, wielding a knife or a gun, threatening to kill or harm you and the children.
Sexual violence using force, threats or intimidation to make you perform sexual acts, having sex with you when you don't want to have sex, any degrading treatment based on your sexual orientation.
Physical violence punching, slapping, hitting, biting, pinching, kicking, pulling hair out, pushing, shoving, burning, strangling.
Denial saying the abuse doesn't happen, saying you caused the abusive behaviour, being publicly gentle and patient, crying and begging for forgiveness, saying it will never happen again.Just compare it now with your relationship and see how many ticks you get. And then think about it if you are willing to put up with it and for how long.
From my experience if a person does not want to change, there is absolutely no chance of you being successful of changing him. All you're doing is prolonging your agony.
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Salam,
To add to the above post.
Controlling People How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try to Control You (Paperback)
http//www.amazon.com/Controlling-People-Recognize-Understand-Control/dp/158062569X
Editorial Reviews
From Library Journal
An interpersonal communications specialist, Evans (The Verbally Abusive Relationship) has written a timely book that not only helps readers free themselves from controlling types but also seeks to explain the occurrence of verbal abuse, battering, stalking, harassment, hate crimes, gang violence, tyranny, terrorism, and territorial invasion. What she calls a "compelling force" overcomes these controllers; because they sense the overwhelming "psychic pain, distress, and discord permeating the world," they must impose a twisted kind of order on their friends, lovers, and acquaintances. Often, she continues, people with good intentions end up doing the opposite of what they would need to do to realize a goal or fulfill a need. This is a compelling work, but it belongs in the hands of counselors; lay readers who feel controlled will find it worthwhile but hard going. Public and academic libraries with special collections on relationships should also strongly consider. Susan E. Burdick, MLS, Reading, PA
Copyright 2001 Reed Business Information, Inc. -
Peace sis Boost,
There has already been plenty of advice from many experienced members of the forum, but I wanted to offer my 2 cents. In my opinion no specific advice can yet be offered in your situation because of incomplete information due to two missing elements
- His side of the story
- The exact nature of your relationship (whether engaged or not etc.)
In general, The God does not allow any corrective action by one believer over another in the context of relationships except during marriage as mentioned in 434 and 4128, or by an islamic court after judgment in the light of al-qur'aan. Even then the corrective action is only for "nushooz" which is violation of the following two qualities
- Qanitat Devotedly obedient to The God (3335, 399)
- Hafizat Women who guard their chastity/private parts from other than spouse/fiance (235-6, 3335), in the absence of their spouses/"lilghaib" (434)
Same is true for the husbands. The couple in a married relationship are expected to be righteous and follow The God's commands as given in 3328-35. Before marriage, believers (including engaged couples) should not meet secretly to commit sin or transgression but only for righteousness and piety (587-10, 2235)
Even during collective salat, The God commands us not to be loud (17110 - I think out of respect to fellow participating muslims). In a relationship, neither partner has any right to use loud tone and yell at each other. The couple should strive to be righteous and observe the limits of the dress code and trust each other (827, 238, 7032), but if they seek worldly life and its vanities, then they should part their ways amicably (332.
Spouses are a garment for each other, meaning that the marital relationship should provide warmth, comfort, and protection (218, and any male-female relationship formed with the intention of eventual marriage should aim towards cultivating those qualities. We are advised to be kind to our fiances (436) and all mutual affairs should be conducted by mutual consultation (423, which implies open communication and mutual respect. The married couple should reside with each other in an environment of love and mercy (3021).
Husbands are asked not to be forceful and oppressive/harsh with their wives and to treat them in a good manner with kindness even if the husbands dislike some things about their wives ! (419) Even if they have experienced hostility from their wives and children, men are warned merely to beware of it, but advised that to pardon, overlook, and forgive is better (6414-15). Even in divorce proceedings, with all the attendant bitterness, husbands are forbidden to harass their wives or make their lives difficult (651, 656, 419) and the parting of ways should be done with kindness (2229).
If there are insurmountable problems and differences then arbiters should be appointed from relatives, those surrounding the families, or legal authorities to try to solve the problems for reconciliation (435). If things are getting out of control, I would strongly suggest seeing a counsellor and following the advice of 435.
One should always seek help of The God through patience and salat (245, 2153).
You might also find the following book very helpful
http//www.ericberne.com/Games_People_Play.htm
This book deals with transactional analysis, and your situation seems to be a parent-child relationship in light of transactional analysis, instead of an adult-adult relationship, as it should be
http//en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis
May The God help you and make your situation better.
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I just want to make a general addition by saying that in psychology they've devised experiments in which people are asked about the impact of potential future events on their feelings and emotions, that range from seemingly very happy events like winning the lottery which people rate as very high, and very seemingly devastating events like separation from a partner or loved one.
The truth is that when people who have gone through such events are asked about the actual impact 6 months down the track, the vast majority have returned to a baseline state where the event has not really had the anticipated or predicted impact.
Thinking about separating from ones you love can create huge anxiety and this alone can keep one in abusive relationships. What will I do, where will I be, how will I live if I left that person is a huge hurdle. Unless you've experienced it for yourself then it's hard to really appreciate that your life will not collapse in a mess if you leave a destructive relationship.
While I don't advocate quitting things on a whim, quitting destructive things is always good in the long run.
Peace.