Divorce Probable
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Salaamu Alaykom,
8 happy years with my husband and then all the sudden he changed, he went to Syria his home country and when he came back (WITH A DIFFERENT WEDDING RING) he claimed that he just traded and swears on Mohammed of all things that he isn't married overseas, I don't have a problem with it if he is but I dont really wish for him to decieve me. Anyhow I have changed for the better during these years I have learned how to be a good wife and a reasonable companion and I thought we were happy.. Until recently when his son came to live in this country. Now he doesn't care about me and he verbally tells me that he doesn't and he always un-necessarily hurts my feelings. I am not saying I am perfect I try to stay out of his way because I felt this is something he is going through until today.. He informed me that he is going to Syria and he doesnt know or even care how I will take care of myself when he is gone. I just lost my job and all sources of income and I am now frantically looking for a Job but in Michigan its not easy right now. I feel so stupid though and wonder if there is something I could have done differently. I Honostly learned alot and thank Allah for the opportunity to learn from this patient man and just figure now that maybe its time to move on.
I am so hurt right now though and I just don't understand if I can fix it. Any Advice?
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Peace W_W,
Be patient and put your trust in God... that is most important. Keep looking for a job and hopefully you can be independent again. It is truly a sad situation, but you keep yourself together and be a good person to yourself as opposed to someone who doesn't care for you.
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Peace WW,
I second what zenje wrote. It's a hard test this life and sometimes things happen that can turn one's life around. In the big picture, it's for the better as long as one learnt from it. Keep the faith and keep moving/trying, things will sort themselves out.
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Salam Winter_White~
I am sorry to hear of your troubles. I can sympathize and understand. group I was wondering though, you said you would not have cared had he really married another woman in Syria...is that because you are comfortable with polgomy? I just wonder..., if perhaps you are not in-love with him, but you love him and are content and comfortable with him,.. and it is hard for you to lose that habit and stability and security when he was yours and he upheld his vows and respect to you.
Now it seems whether or not he has another wife;.. that he has lost respect and desire to maintain those vows, and to uphold the stability in your relationship. You revealed many hidden emmotions in your words when you said,.. that you have changed for the better and have learned to be a reasonable and good wife and companion. Your choice of words such as, learned and changed for the better, lead me to believe that he has made you feel you were incomplete, not up to his expectations, not whole, not good enough, and that you were actually ignorant enough, that you had to learn.
Or maybe, I am all wrong...and like a normal evolution in a relationship,...over a course of time,.. you have learned things about yourself from your own account; that allowed you to become the good and companionable and reasonable wife? Did you or do you think yourself a unreasonable, non-companionable, no good wife? For your standards? His? Both of your standards?
I think, it is of my opinion, that he likely was hard on you, made you feel worthless, made you seem difficult and inadequate, and over a course of time, the misery that ensued from this lack of value he had for you, led you to change many things to appease him, and make peace in the home. You were likely under the idea, that by doing this, it would make him happy. And you felt that you had learned enough to do that for him, but now..you are sidestruck by his indifference and coldness and complete diassociation from any ties and commitment, love, friendship, and companionship you had.
While I am being bold by assuming, I ask you to ask yourself if there is any truth in what I am leading to. You are a valuable, precious, humanbeing, a beautiful, genuine, unique woman. God brought you into this world alone in birth, (unless your a twin! LOL) and you will ultimatley go alone on your journey to God when you die ( though you may have companions, friends and familes when you arrive in jannah inshaallah). What small speck of sand in a moment of life, such as a day, would lead you to spend any more time evaulating and thinking of his actions and how they affect you? Days are limited and numbered, and as I said before..you were brought in by god, and by him you leave. So...my point is this Do not waste a single more day...in your precious life, on a man, whom ultimatley throws you away, thus his actions insulting god.
Does he have no shame?! Could he not have been polite, caring and kind, and told you how much the years spent with you, allowed him to experience and learn things, yet despite the trials and joys, he feels the need to separate and explore a new life, in which he regretfully asks your forgiveness in him leaving you and your vows. And then, he kindly offers (A mandate in the Quran) to support and provide for you during your term of idat(4 month separation during beginning of first request for divorce) and encourages you to seek counseling, support through friends, seeking work, going back to school etc. Your husband has no decency and no respect from what you have been saying, and he clearly is not as mature, kind and moral as he should be. If he can treat you other than what I have just described above, what would make you want to hold on? Comfort? Dependancy? Financial Support? If you are ambivalent about accepting divorce because you are in fear and unemployed, let me reassure you. I will help you. I will support you and encourage you and help you to find a job. I am unempolyed currently too. I can search and look for jobs for you, as I do for myself, and aid you in anything you need as far as resumes, references, getting support, etc. Do not be afraid, God is with you, and he will inshaallah if you desire, bring someone deserving to you when you are ready, but ultimately he will bring you and take you out, So don't let some jerk waste your precious time. I hope I was not too blunt to scare you. Everyone knows me by now...I tend to be that way. My apologies if I stepped over your boundaries. Take care group
P.S. If I am completely wrong and maybe it was the opposite way, maybe you know truthfully you were difficult and caused many problems, and you knew you wore him down, and it ultimatley caused him to be indifferent, despite your good intentions to change. All his patience and yours in the matter at the time, is completely irrelevant now, because he has told you he doesn't care, and given you cold behavior, and is attempting to abandon you, and doesn't care how you support yourself while he is away in Syria, ...so its still the same in the end. You still need to save your time, and gather your sand, and waste not another day.
By the way, is he just going to Syria for a set period of time? Are there dates you have on his departure and his arrival..like is he returning to you on a set date? Does he plan to stay indefinitely, or doesn't care to tell you? Do you have any children with him? Is his son, your step son?
Honor
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Asalaamu Alaykom.
Sorry I didnt reply sooner but I have been staying at a friends house because its so painful to stay in my apartment and she doesn't have the internet set up over there. Thank you all for your wonderful comments the last one really hit home and brought out some deep thought. I will say that yes I did feel I was not worthy of his love but I don't really think it was his fault. I used to be a very angry person who constantly had outburts and fits of rage. I have learned to controll that rage and I do think his patience helped in that aspect. I dont blame him nor anybody else for my shortcomings but I try to eliminate the ones I know about so I can be a great person instead of just a good person. I have grown up quite a bit since my marriage and I dont know if its just a natural occurance or from my husbands support. I also feel what you said that he makes me feel inadequete but not just him its much deeper than that.. Probably shouldn't get into it here but its something I realize I never dealt with and have always pushed it to the side.
I guess the part of this that bothers me the most is I really love him. I depend on him for safety security and stability. Also I have worked very hard to get the material items in my home and I am going to loose it all. In my life I never had brand new furniture (as a child either) and I finally last year bought some from the money I worked for. I also decorated my house and just made it my haven. Its like I finally tasted some success just to have it pulled away. I try to remind myself of Ayyoub and how everything he had was taken but I just am kinda tired of having things taken from me.
What gives me relief in all of this is that I KNOW that Allah will not place a burden on mef greater than I can handle.
Again thanks for your comments I am really reading them and absorbing them
btw, the "Son" I was reffering to is my step-son, whom I sponsored to come here. I have a son of my own who is almost 14 years old and he loves my husband alot also. I am so afraid how this will effect him especialy since he already went through his father and I seperating.
I am not trying to villafy my almost ex-husband He is a good guy in so many ways but I think his decision to live in this country was at any cost regardless of who he hurt in the process.