fathers
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No one forces you to love him, but you are obliged to respect him. If you are allowed to deal with him the way you deal with other people, what's the point in pointing out (wa bil walidain i7sana) immediately after (serve none but God), even in the verses about the Straight Path?
Do your job (respect him), and leave the judgement to God.
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The Quran tells us to be good and kind to our parents. It asks of us repeatedly too, it's all in the Quran. I don't think you have to love or even respect him, just be kind. Don't do, say or be nasty towards the guy (I know that might be a hard thing to do, given the guy's dereliction of his duties towards his children), but have faith. Allah will give judgment on his behavior and more importantly on yours too. So have patience.
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peace
am i supposed to respect a father who left shortly after i was born? a father who almost never calls, who wasn't here, who insults me pretty much every chance he gets.
am i supposed to like him and respect him?does qur'an say anything about this issue?
if he is genuinely sorry then it would be a wise idea to forgive him
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peace
i think he is sorry for leaving, i don't know. but he still criticizes a lot and i don't like it.
now i forgave him, i don't hate him or blame him.
he calls a few times a year, we don't really have a lot to talk about and i just feel, since we don't see each other 360 days out of a year, why should i talk him at all?ok, qur'an tells about being good to our parents, assuming both parents are good to you and take care of you and bring you food and pay the bills.
but what if one of those parents doesn't do all that?
now alright, i can respect him, but can i do it from afar?
am i obligaded to interact with him or talk to him or spend time with him even if i don't want to? -
Tell me people,what are the requirements when one has an unrepentant or abusive father?
Nerspi; i understand your predicament,why not just deal with him as you personally see fit within what you can cope with...I mean nobody likes to be around a a parent that is constantly insulting and doesnt seem to care....why not try a heart to heart with him and if that doesnt work then just get on with your life without a great deal of input from your father....Dont feel guilty or bad if you are making an effort and he doesnt respond,thats not your fault....Maybe other members of your family or your mother know why he acts the way he does with you. Maybe he feels guilty he wasnt there for you,maybe he is old fashioned or doesnt know how to be a father. A father is more than just a biological donor you know. To quote boyz and the hood; 'Any man can fuck a woman,but it takes a real man to bring up a child'.....excuse the language... -
Al-Baqara - 2.83 . And ( remember ) when We made a covenant with the Children of Israel , ( saying ) Worship none save Allah ( only ) , and be good to parents and to kindred and to orphans and the needy , and speak kindly to mankind ; and establish worship and pay the poor due . Then , after that , ye slid back , save a few of you , being averse .
Al-Baqara - 2.215 . They ask thee , ( O Muhammad ) , what they shall spend . Say That which ye spend for good ( must go ) to parents and near kindred and orphans and the needy and the wayfarer . And whatsoever good ye do , lo! Allah is Aware of it .
An-Nisaa - 4.36 . And serve Allah . Ascribe no thing as partner unto Him . ( Show ) kindness unto parents , and unto near kindred , and orphans , and the needy , and into the neighbor who is of kin ( unto you ) and the neighbor who is not of kin and the fellow traveller and the wayfarer and ( the slaves ) whom your right hands possess . Lo! Allah loveth not such as are proud and boastful
An-Nisaa - 4.135 . O ye who believe ! Be ye staunch in justice , witnesses for Allah , even though it be against yourselves or ( your ) parents or ( your ) kindred , whether ( the case be of ) a rich man or a poor man , for Allah is nearer unto both ( than ye are ) . So follow not passion lest ye lapse ( from truth ) and if ye lapse or fall away , then lo! Allah is ever Informed of what ye do .
Al-An'am - 6.151 . Say Come , I will recite unto you that which your Lord hath made a sacred duty for you that ye ascribe no thing as partner unto Him and that ye do good to parents , and that ye slay not your children because of penury .
Al-Isra - 17.23 . Thy Lord hath decreed , that ye worship none save Him , and ( that ye show ) kindness to parents . If one of them or both of them to attain old age with thee , say not "Fie" unto them nor repulse them , but speak unto them a gracious word .
Al-Ankabut - 29.8 . We have enjoined on man kindness to parents ; but if they strive to make thee join with Me that of which thou past no knowledge , then obey them not . Unto Me is your return and I shall tell you what ye used to do .
Luqman - 31.14 . And We have enjoined upon man concerning his parents . His mother beareth him in weakness upon weakness , and his weaning is in two years . Give thanks unto Me and unto thy parents . Unto Me is the journeying .
These few verses to reflect upon nerspi.
IMO nothing forces you to endure an abusive parent. I'm kind of in the same situation as you are, even though in the mean time i've become a parent myself. I have no contact with my father, but i know that the day he'll die, i'll regret it.
peace
lk -
Well,a heart to heart is just tring to ask him if there is a problem,and stating that you have a problem with him or feel uncomfortable about your relationship....You can say this in a kind and decent manner,no need for confrontation....I know it can be easier said than done....play it by ear,you know your father much better than me obviously...take it easy.
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perhaps your dad criticizes you coz he feels insecure, all attack is a cry for help, he is the one that should be feeling guilty and not you.
the fact that you don't have much to talk about is not surprising, he's been out of your life most of the time, so you can't know how much you have in common. why don't you arrange to meet up and do some activity together (i.e. playing tennis, going ice skating, going to the cinema, etc) basically anything that does not involve too much talking, that way you can spend time together without all those awkward silent moments.
peace
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peace
maybe you're right angel.
i don't know about the activities thing, the closest thing was when he was teaching me to drive. we were getting along then, actually that was a pretty good day. but at other times we can't seem to talk, he finds the way i live my life wrong just because i made different choices but instead of him being supportive he criticizes and tries to give me advice on how to live this life as if i was still 6 years old. i think it's because he left when i was 6.
and thanks for the verses elke, but i think they talk about a good father.
but hey, even abraham prayed for his father even after he threatened him so i guess i shouldn't just give up on my father.and thanks for the advice enquirer, i'll try and see what happens.
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Nerspi
Being kind to your parents and obeying them also has its limits. If you feel that, after having tried your best with him, he is still pushing you to not be nice with him (that's to disobey God), just sever the relation with him. I do not think God orders us to keep this relation at all expense, especially if it will push us too far.
Try not to learn from him how to be unkind. He is not your teacher. Be better than him, and stay better. And remember, he already started paying for his own deeds he is losing a fine son.
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he finds the way i live my life wrong just because i made different choices but instead of him being supportive he criticizes and tries to give me advice on how to live this life as if i was still 6 years old. i think it's because he left when i was 6.
is this over career choices or your beliefs in Islam?
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Peace ALen. Do you realise how big of a life long responsibility having children is? Having and bringing up children is the biggest challenge/responsibility of life....Good luck,hope you are ready,prepared and with a suitable partner for the joys and trials of fatherhood.... elektro group
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Peace ALen. Do you realise how big of a life long responsibility having children is? Having and bringing up children is the biggest challenge/responsibility of life....Good luck,hope you are ready,prepared and with a suitable partner for the joys and trials of fatherhood.... elektro group
Salam.
I'm responsible and prepared, yes, thanks.
I got the ideal partner and we're getting married, everything is working out fine, alhamdilALLAH.Peace.
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Peace all.
Love is not a one way traffic...to earn true love and respect of others and especially of your children, you have to give them your love, take care of them, you have to stand with them no matter what the circumstances are, you have to give them the utmost preference even at the expense of your own personal desires/emotions/interests.
I know it?s easy to say something but hard to actually do it and since no human being is perfect, the chances to err are always there.
If we only look at the negative aspects of others, none of us can have a good relationship will anyone, therefore it is also extremely important to look at the positive aspects of others and that is where nerspi should concentrate on.
I don't know what he has gone through emotionally....no one amongst us can understand his position the way he understands......my suggestion to him will be to adopt the middle way i.e. if at all he finds it difficult to respect or love his father...he should try his best not to be disrespectful or portray any emotions of hate in front of his father because that will create more problems/misunderstandings in their already fragile relationship.
Time is the best healer but requires a lots of patience, so he has to be patient and a time will come when thing will get better, INSHA ALLAH.
God bless you Nerspi.
peace
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peace Alen,
Salam.
I'm responsible and prepared, yes, thanks.
I got the ideal partner and we're getting married, everything is working out fine, alhamdilALLAH.Peace.
Best of luck buddy, I wish you a healthy/prosperous/happy future.....and healthy/cute/ loving children sun
peace
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Assalaamu alaikum Nerspi
Im really sorry to hear about ur relationship with ur dad, I understand it is really hard as my dad did also leave me when I was 6. Its a very hard situation, I can only advice you to accept the situation if you know u can't and won't get a better relationship. It won't get better ignoring him or anything like that, try just to make the best of the situation, try to be nice to him. I dont know about u, but I have so much feelings of guilt, I think I feel that I have been bad to him even though I was just a child and it was he who left '( Stupid feelings
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peace
Nerspi
Being kind to your parents and obeying them also has its limits. If you feel that, after having tried your best with him, he is still pushing you to not be nice with him (that's to disobey God), just sever the relation with him. I do not think God orders us to keep this relation at all expense, especially if it will push us too far.
Try not to learn from him how to be unkind. He is not your teacher. Be better than him, and stay better. And remember, he already started paying for his own deeds he is losing a fine son.
ok i don't wanna be not-nice to him or bad to him...
also this obeying them, ok not 'them' but 'him', (i have no problem obeying mom, she's the best) and it's not like dad wants me to set up partnets with God or something like that (29,
but i have a problem with obeying/listening/doing anything he asks, somehow i feel i shiouldn't take orders from him, when he was here a few years ago he acted like a king and me and my brother and mom were like his butlers/servants... and why, was he here? does he deserve it? or is just the fact that he is the biological father make it enough that he deserves somekind of respect and obediance?i just don't want anything to do with him, i don't want to talk to him or be around him,
is that wrong?Al-Baqara - 2.83 . And ( remember ) when We made a covenant with the Children of Israel , ( saying ) Worship none save Allah ( only ) , and be good to parents and to kindred and to orphans and the needy , and speak kindly to mankind ; and establish worship and pay the poor due . Then , after that , ye slid back , save a few of you , being averse .
Al-Baqara - 2.215 . They ask thee , ( O Muhammad ) , what they shall spend . Say That which ye spend for good ( must go ) to parents and near kindred and orphans and the needy and the wayfarer . And whatsoever good ye do , lo! Allah is Aware of it .
An-Nisaa - 4.36 . And serve Allah . Ascribe no thing as partner unto Him . ( Show ) kindness unto parents , and unto near kindred , and orphans , and the needy , and into the neighbor who is of kin ( unto you ) and the neighbor who is not of kin and the fellow traveller and the wayfarer and ( the slaves ) whom your right hands possess . Lo! Allah loveth not such as are proud and boastful
An-Nisaa - 4.135 . O ye who believe ! Be ye staunch in justice , witnesses for Allah , even though it be against yourselves or ( your ) parents or ( your ) kindred , whether ( the case be of ) a rich man or a poor man , for Allah is nearer unto both ( than ye are ) . So follow not passion lest ye lapse ( from truth ) and if ye lapse or fall away , then lo! Allah is ever Informed of what ye do .
Al-An'am - 6.151 . Say Come , I will recite unto you that which your Lord hath made a sacred duty for you that ye ascribe no thing as partner unto Him and that ye do good to parents , and that ye slay not your children because of penury .
Al-Isra - 17.23 . Thy Lord hath decreed , that ye worship none save Him , and ( that ye show ) kindness to parents . If one of them or both of them to attain old age with thee , say not "Fie" unto them nor repulse them , but speak unto them a gracious word .
Al-Ankabut - 29.8 . We have enjoined on man kindness to parents ; but if they strive to make thee join with Me that of which thou past no knowledge , then obey them not . Unto Me is your return and I shall tell you what ye used to do .
Luqman - 31.14 . And We have enjoined upon man concerning his parents . His mother beareth him in weakness upon weakness , and his weaning is in two years . Give thanks unto Me and unto thy parents . Unto Me is the journeying .
These few verses to reflect upon nerspi.
IMO nothing forces you to endure an abusive parent. I'm kind of in the same situation as you are, even though in the mean time i've become a parent myself. I have no contact with my father, but i know that the day he'll die, i'll regret it.
peace
lkyes but in many verses there i can tell it's if both parents are good. if one is not good, i don't want anything to do with him. and i just wonder if there are any cases like that mentioned in quran, what to do in that case, i think the closest case in quran i think is abraham and his father, and eventually abraham left, right, he also didn't speak with his dad either, right?
it probably doesn't mention that, but i heard from tradition stories, don't know how true they are, but i assume he wouldn't want to be with his father anymore after they guy threatened him, right?