Hitting kids
-
I was hit as a kid, quite hard at times, but I turned out ok.... I think
Mind you, if I had kids I dont think I'd hit them. If it came to it, at most hit them just enough so they felt it, not hard. I'd prefer to use psychology on them, more fun that way ;D
I strongly believe in teaching children cause and effect, i.e. if they did something wrong you must explain to them why it was wrong. And generally, if they ask Qs, explain how things work etc.
-
Peace,
I think hitting kids is so wrong even if I have done it many times before when my kids were younger. I regret it alot and wish it was undone.
In my case i have realized that I was the one who wasn't in good shape, i was unhappy and therefore took out the anger on the kids.
It might be the case for other parents too who hit and/or abuse their kids.
I was a young mom and i hadn't found myself and I was so childish myself so it was that we were hitting eachother as kids use to do when arguing over simple stuff.
Now 16 years after my firstborn I feel alot more mature and it might be the reason that I don't live with my kids anymore just visit them. I have found myself after so many years of just focus on their needs and my husband's needs.
So from now on I will focus on me first because if I do that and I feel good then I will do good to others as well. It's the same as the old words of wisdom quote " Love yourself and you will love other aswell".
Peace
Maria -
I have been knocked out by the things that some of you have written that your parents did to you when you were kids. For hitting I understood a couple of slaps on the buttocks not the repertoire I have seen. I was only hit once when I was a kind by my mother. She must have been very frustrated because I hadn't done something or whatever, and she slapped me on the face. That has stuck in my memory as a great injustice. I did not deserve it, she didn't make up with me or anything. And hitting on the face is humiliating. On the other hand at school I had a woman teacher who could take us kids as sparrings when she got mad. And she hit me also on some occassions, but I cannot have a bad souvenir of that and I liked her because in fact she cared and she liked us and she was affectionate, she would hugg us and listen to us and treat us not like strangers. Finally adults are not made of stone or wood and children may be real devils. Once in a year or so, they really do it on purpose, they provoke, they keep provoking, keep at it, keep at it, keep at it, annoying and going beyond every reason to drive you mad. No, it isn't that they don't understand something and they need explaining, no, they are after driving you mad, clearly. And finally when you are mad and spank their behind, pam pam, and say everything that is in your mind like in a torrent... they are happy, really happy, they love you, they hug you, they sit on your lap, they would do anything you might care to ask for, not out of fear, no, they are happy, they are with you. Now they are sure that you are a capable adult since they see that you cannot be taken for a ride and therefore they are safe in your hands. So, my take is if they want to be reassured that way, you better do it, otherwise they will not be sure that you are really capable of asserting yourself and therefore capable of protecting them. Of course I am talking about 2 to 8 years, after that I don't think it is useful or welcome or that they need it. by then they know, or if they try you it is some other way.
And the slap on the mouth of the child that told her mother a swear word was very appropriate if is done on the moment. Half an hour later won't do. I would have done that too.
Also cruelty may not involve hitting or yelling, just plain injustice, without excuses or explanation, can leave scars and sadness forever, far more than any physical gesture. And I think that in the case of Angel, as I perceive it, is the sheer injustice of they whole thing that hurts so deeply. It reminds mi in fact of what Profet Isa said in one of the gospels whoever shocked one of this little children better would be to tie a millstone round his-her neck and trow him-her into the see(something like that). Children can go happily through a lot of roughness if they are loved and hugged and squeezed and told sweet words. It is the lack of these things in fact what breaks their heart more than the presense of the others (spankings or whatever). It is coldness more than an ocassional anger what is cruel.
-
I have been knocked out by the things that some of you have written that your parents did to you when you were kids. For hitting I understood a couple of slaps on the buttocks not the repertoire I have seen. I was only hit once when I was a kind by my mother. She must have been very frustrated because I hadn't done something or whatever, and she slapped me on the face. That has stuck in my memory as a great injustice. I did not deserve it, she didn't make up with me or anything. And hitting on the face is humiliating. On the other hand at school I had a woman teacher who could take us kids as sparrings when she got mad. And she hit me also on some occassions, but I cannot have a bad souvenir of that and I liked her because in fact she cared and she liked us and she was affectionate, she would hugg us and listen to us and treat us not like strangers. Finally adults are not made of stone or wood and children may be real devils. Once in a year or so, they really do it on purpose, they provoke, they keep provoking, keep at it, keep at it, keep at it, annoying and going beyond every reason to drive you mad. No, it isn't that they don't understand something and they need explaining, no, they are after driving you mad, clearly. And finally when you are mad and spank their behind, pam pam, and say everything that is in your mind like in a torrent... they are happy, really happy, they love you, they hug you, they sit on your lap, they would do anything you might care to ask for, not out of fear, no, they are happy, they are with you. Now they are sure that you are a capable adult since they see that you cannot be taken for a ride and therefore they are safe in your hands. So, my take is if they want to be reassured that way, you better do it, otherwise they will not be sure that you are really capable of asserting yourself and therefore capable of protecting them. Of course I am talking about 2 to 8 years, after that I don't think it is useful or welcome or that they need it. by then they know, or if they try you it is some other way.
And the slap on the mouth of the child that told her mother a swear word was very appropriate if is done on the moment. Half an hour later won't do. I would have done that too.
Also cruelty may not involve hitting or yelling, just plain injustice, without excuses or explanation, can leave scars and sadness forever, far more than any physical gesture. And I think that in the case of Angel, as I perceive it, is the sheer injustice of they whole thing that hurts so deeply. It reminds mi in fact of what Profet Isa said in one of the gospels whoever shocked one of this little children better would be to tie a millstone round his-her neck and trow him-her into the see(something like that). Children can go happily through a lot of roughness if they are loved and hugged and squeezed and told sweet words. It is the lack of these things in fact what breaks their heart more than the presense of the others (spankings or whatever). It is coldness more than an ocassional anger what is cruel.
I didn't read the rest of the post. But I agree that coldness is more cruel then spanking.
-
In your case Angel, how often were your parents kind to you?
when they felt like it, when i was younger that was not very often.
they were just crap parents.
they have improved over the years though.
my younger siblings don't have to put up with half as much as what i had to put up with.
I think hitting kids is so wrong even if I have done it many times before when my kids were younger. I regret it alot and wish it was undone.
In my case i have realized that I was the one who wasn't in good shape, i was unhappy and therefore took out the anger on the kids.
It might be the case for other parents too who hit and/or abuse their kids.
yeah my parents have said that they regret it.
-
Peace be upon you,
Is hitting kids in Islam condoned? >(
Hitting kids IMO is just plain cruel, a slap lasts a second, the physical pain lasts a minute, but the emotional pain lasts a lifetime. '(
peaceSalam.
Respectfully.As soon as i saw this topic i just had to answer
I am 100% against hitting children and women, i'm against yelling at them, i am also against spankiong kids as well.Peace.
-
This thread has brought tears to my eyes.
Children should be treated with loving kindness, and mercy for their trivial mistakes,
they just got here! Compassion is remembering what it was like to be small, and to be bossed around by big people.
One should seek knowledge of child development to understand. There is plenty of good parenting information out there. I mean, books and websites, with techniques and researched information way beyond the concept of "occassional hitting".
Indeed, there are severe punishments in our religion, but surely children are not going to commit Adultry? Or steal anything more than some crayons out of the drawer?--Perhaps to draw you a picture, because they trust you, because you don't hurt them. Instead, you show them.
Doesn't God show you? He brings situations into play, makes you recognize the signs, causes the lesson to manifest.
Doesn't God show mercy and give you space to learn? Or do notice lightning bolts flying from the sky every time someone breaks a rule? Patience!
They are helpless and depend on you, especially for love--keep that in mind as your choosing how hard to strike. -
Wow it's either one end or the other.
You're either beaten within an inch of your life and emotionally scarred into Thorazine....Or you're too precious and free thinking to be swatted down everyone once in a while.
Wish I could give everybody a Southern Grandma.
I mean the Loves you, cooks for you, kisses you on the cheek sweetest kind of Grandma ever. Until you get smartmouthed with her, or do something dangerous. then you get told "Go get me a switch."
Most Southerners remember going to get a switch. We all had our own little techniques to try to choose the right one.. not too green and whippy, but not too brittle or she would go out and get the greenest whippiest thing she could find. Legs and butt were fair targets.. sucked in the summer cause we usually wore shorts.
The Go Get me a Switch wasn't just about the instilling of dread. It was to give Grandma a chance to cool down. Because, as my Maw Maw so aptly put it, "Never punish your kids out of anger."
Physical Discipline vs. Psychologial Discipline is an interesting debate. There's arguments for both, and each feels like they're doing the right thing. Kind of like religion.... me? I don't know what I'll do when I have kids, and I wouldn't presume to tell a parent how to parent. You see kids straining at the end of leashes to get to the display of Waterford Crystal champagne flutes....you see kids literally crawling over the parents in restaurants. You see kids who are ignored and kids to can't so much as sneeze without parental approval.
I have a friend who's 19 month old son is going through a violent phase right now. Hitting, biting, breaking, fighting. The Grandparents tell the mother not to discipline her son, he's a child and doesn't know any better. but I have to ask.. of you don't teach him, how will he learn? And really, can you have a rational conversation with a 19 month old as to the damage violence causes to society and the individual?
My Cousin uses Time Out with his three year old daughter. No matter where they are. I have pictures of her pouting in a corn field on the side of the highway when she acted up in the car. (Too Cute by the way)
Kids are people, you have to deal with them as individuals.
-
-
So don't feel too guilty if you decide to take out your anger on your kids.
I think this is poor advice (unless you have misworded it).
You should not hit children "to take out your anger". You may I believe legitimately hit your children within reason and in a way which is fitting, to discipline them for poor behaviour; never to take out your own frustration and anger.
-
I used to get hit by my mother when I was a kid (I can only recall a few instances of my father hitting me) but I daresay I've turned out alright, however, I completely abhor corporal punishment. First of all, it's downright indecent and barbaric to hit someone irrespective of how old they are and how much right you have over them. Many countries have laws against hitting someone but not against hitting one's children which is very wrong because children are among the most delicate and sensitive citizens of a country.
Research shows that children are highly impressionable and that they learn a lot through example, so hitting a child will teach it that getting physical is alright and that aggression is acceptable behaviour. Other scientific studies show that spanking a child leads to more misbehaviour in the long run and researchers link spanking with children who withdraw, lack spontaneity and have a less developed conscience . There is evidence upon evidence that spanking is only detrimental to a child's development so every parent should refrain from spanking. I really believe that many of humanity's problems will be solved if parents stop hitting their children.
-
Peace,
I was slapped in the face repeatedly, hit with a hanger on my behind and back, kicked on the leg and whipped (Mind you, never hard enough for any kind of bruising or marks, or discomfort for longer than 5 min). Now I'm just yelled at. I'd take the physical beating over the screaming and shouting any day. Words of disappointment hurt more than any slap in the face or kick in the ass. In the latter I get to hate them for 5 minutes, while in the former I'm left hating myself.
I love my father, I love my mother, as they never abused me physically, but they had the courage to discipline me adequately when needed (On a few occasions they did overreact, in my opinion). New Age parents are complete wusses when it comes to this. Just see how much respect liberal parents get from their children.
There is a difference between abusing, and disciplining. If my father came home one day and started hitting me for no good reason, or got drunk and beat the shit out of me, that is abuse. He never did. When I wouldn't stop making noise while my father was sleeping after 18 hours of work, and he wakes up and slaps me in the face - that's discipline. See the difference? He did that once. It worked.
No, I did not learn it was OK to hit people. In fact, once I even closed my eyes and refused to fight back because I believed it was wrong. My moms and pops told me that.
No, I didn't develop poorly. On the contrary, I'm finishing 2 years of math curriculum in three months and learning Classical Arabic for the last 2 years without a teacher (sis Samia helps a lot, though). I was "The student of the Year" in my school, and won the "Einstein award" from them too. I excel at every subject, except gym (isn't that typical?), and I recall that in one of my oral exams the teacher took notes from my presentation because this was something she knew nothing of. The oral exam became a lecture. I'm not saying this to brag, but if someone thinks my father's beating did me harm - They should think again. His and my moms strictness kept me on the wagon. Now, my parents are growing older and they haven't got the energy to discipline. So they just yell all the time. Honest to god I want to kill someone whenever I hear the high pitched shouts of my mother. A slap is so much quieter.
No, I don't misbehave. I make bad jokes though, and have a dark sense of humor. Does that count? I also listen to rap music. But right now I'm listening to qawwaali.
Beat your kids - http//www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nn5jlrxcpkI
Nadeem
-
Sounds like your self-esteem problems are more than all resolved eh Nadeem ;D
-
hehe... No, I still have them. Really sorry if I sounded like a boasting arse. That was 2 liters of green tea speaking. I have never written such a description of myself before, but I needed to make a point that hitting kids doesn't screw them up. You're Pakistani, surely you have heard the infamous "Laaton ke bhoot baaton se nahin maante". Agree, disagree?
Did you watch the youtube video?
-
Haven't seen the vid yet but I agree with you speaking of the laaton ke bhoot...I always had to see if fire burns many times before I learnt, more like pushing the boundaries constantly but not in a good way. I like the confidence (I was about to write something else starting with co but desisted P), so no issues with the "boasting" heh. You shouldn't have any issues btw, you're doing great, about time you believed it too.
-
I think you have to love your children and like them physically, and give lots of hugs and sweet words. I think most of the time (when you yourself are not in a murdering mood) that should come naturally. And above all you should try to be just and not arbitrary. Kids are great, but are human and some times some of them can be very trying, they may push you beyond patience to put you to test. You cannot be weak, if you are, you cannot protect nor guide your children properly, because they will not respect you, because they do not trust you to be able to be a lion if need by because in front of them you are such a sissy. Disciplining, if it is for a reason and not arbitrary will not be resented by a child if it is also done within reason. Parents are not God, they do not come with magic wands and the means within their reach are what they are and it is better to give good guidance to children even by disciplining than to let them loose in life without knowing proper limits or lacking self-assurance. Of course if you do too much disciplining, it is no good either because it looses its edge and on top of it is damned umpleasant, for a good parent it is one of the most unpleasant tasks. I definitely know that children can love like nuts a parent who may discipline them occassionally if the or she does all the other things I mentioned, but a parent that is indifferent to the point of not even having the guts to dispcipine a kind in his or her whole life (of the kid) what use is he or she to them. Also harsh, offensive words and non physical punisments can be mean and cold and there is nothing more hateful for a kid than coldness. Just watch the lions, some times they hit the cubs with their paws, but that does not affect the little ones, because hey are used to a lot of physical contact which is always reassuring. And a moderate, punctual physical disciplining can be in fact less painful for the kid than other other types of "teaching" with which on top of it they may not relate or see whence that comes from. That of course depends on the age of the child.
At any rate, I would advice any prospective parents, to simply observe and see what works and what makes for a better relationship with the kids. Because finally it is the relationship that will give you the greatest leverage to influence them for good. Also, if you make a mistake with a kid, ask for forgiveness. He will be more than eager to forgive you and will better accept that he himself can make mistakes and correct after and that nothing has to be a tragedy.
Salam
-
Peace all,
I believe hitting children is plain laziness. I have a three year old and I wont say that he hasnt had a smack on his behind, because he has.
But it doesnt work though, and especially gives kids the wrong idea.
Time is something that I am sure we all struggle with, but children need our time and a bit of understanding. When I put in the effort, he is an angel.. angel..that says something. I count to three now instead of smacking. Every bit of bad behaviour is counted. If I get to three, he goes for time out. He usually calms down at two. I am not saying that i count to three, but if he stomps around the house i count that action, if he then slams a door, then thats two....if he two hours later throws his toys across the room in anger or frustration, or gets loud and obnoxious (yes he is only three, but he is very testing already, he has a strong spirit ;D ) then thats three and he goes for time out....till he clams down. And when he comes out of time out, everything is sweet and nothing more is said. Its working pretty good.Dunno, but I hated getting hit as a kid, and it made me hate my family.....suppose i am trying to break the pattern
Peace peace
jedi (my son spotted this emoticon and needed me to put it up....lol)
-
I believe that it should be illegal to beat one's children. A parent who beats their child should at least be beaten the same way they beat their child (545). It would be ridiculous to punish children according to the law in 545 for annoying their parents because children unlike adults aren't smart enough to know the consequences of their actions.
-
A parent who beats their child should at least be beaten the same way they beat their child
well then somebody would have to make my mums nose blood, repeatedly punch her in the face.
as a child she once put her whole body weight on me and nothing anyone can do can
compensatefor that.she kicked me as hard as she could, so somebody would have to give her plenty of those.
my granddad hit me really hard all the time (he used to teach me to read arabic and hit me whenever i made mistakes, and i made a bazillion of those), if he had to go through that now he would probably end up disabled.
what makes the whole thing worse is that i am genuinly sensative to pain, if you punched my sister the pain would go away within 5 minutes, if you punched me the physical pain would be there for hours, probably days. being so sensative to pain has been extremly inconvenient.
even as a child when falling down while playing i always had to stop and sit down for a few hours, while others who fell down could usually get up and play as normal.
