My long overdue introduction (long in length as well)
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Peace all
A note in advance Nothing that has been coming out of my mouth, or being typed up has been making any sense at all. In the past few days, I have lost ability at conciseness, and coherence . So please bear with me.
I grew up in a very multicultural society. I have never had all sunni or muslims friends, they have been from everywhere and everything. And even among those who called themselves sunni there were varying differences, I never really got a cult-like feeling among them. But there was definitely core similarities, and the same prejudices that existed. From a young age there was definitely indoctrination among us mostly sunni muslim children. While you make friends with everyone, We are right, they are wrong. And also, A,B,C,D etc has to be done to attain heaven, the end goal. A,B,C,D mostly being the "pillars of Islam", being truthful, respecting your parents etc etc. There was definitely a sense of you can bad-mouth these people we group as "other" behind their back, but in front of them we tolerate them. I distinctly remember being very small, and us not really heeding to our parent's advice, and completely accepting our friends, but somewhere overtime we did absorb our parent's prejudice. I remember being six years old, and mentioning to my sister, about a Hindu friend " Her mum prays, and we pray. Why are we better?". Don't remember the answer, but something like they pray all wrong, wrong God, multiple Gods, something that probably went over the head of a six year old.
But that was just one example. While, I was too prejudiced in countless ways (and still am), I was also very rebellious, and there were certain cultural and religious obligations (the line between them was blurred at times), that I just did not care for. Years later I came to understand that it did not matter what the obligation was (in terms of right or wrong, beneficial or harmful), if it was the cultural norm, we had to adhere to it, because if we did not what would "they think". Well I could not care less what this elusive "they" thought. So my rebelliousness did cause a lot of friction. And it did not help that my family was completely dysfunctional right down to the core. So unfortunately, my childhood was filled with a lot of unhappiness.
So we had religious education at school, and it was a 50/50 mix of Quran and Hadith of carefully selected verses appropriate for children. There really was no mention of non-muslims at all. When I was about 10, non-muslims did begin to play a role, and it was like God gave us freedom of religion, so we will tolerate them, but we are right, they are wrong, and they are going to spend the rest of eternity in hell.
I was never really given a reason to be very anti-sunni, but at the same time, I used my brain, and saw people around me, and did not really see any correlation between their goodness, and whether they were muslim or not. Even going beyond that, I saw no correlation between goodness, and fasting, and praying 5 times a day. So I always questioned this very basic tenet of non-muslim = hell.
So then I was like 16 or so, really had no issues adhering to the pillars of Islam, only eating halal food etc so still, a sunni muslim, but in my own rebellious way, so somehow got stuck between the other Muslim kids, who were not rebellious like me, and everyone else. And I was like hey, I don't want to be in between, I am going to belong somewhere, so then came the hijab, and around 17, the dibble/dabble in salafism. I was hooked for a few months, but then I saw all the cracks. You could be the most amazing selfless woman in the world, but everyone would be fixated with your sin of waxing your eyebrows. So then it was like no, I don't want every possible thing I might do to be dictated as right or wrong by a hadith. I also never even for a moment in my life accepted any must be muslim or hell concept. So I was back to being a rebellious hijab wearing muslim, who when asked, why do you wear a hijab it was always "Its my identity and Im proud of it". But slowly, unknowingly, I was changing, and shedding more beliefs one by one. I had a weeks long discussion with an ex about how God has to have a place for gays, with him vehemently denying it.
But I couldnt really focus much on religion/spirituality because everything else in my life just was going wrong or getting worse. I know some of you have talked about suicide here, well i contemplated it almost every night, and told myself if you were not such a coward, you would have done it by now, making me feel even worse about myself. I never really seeked any help but for 2+ years I can venture to say I was in what would probably be classified as major depressive disorder. I can to this day remember the week it happened. Its sad to think about how I wasted those years.
But even if I was not helping myself, God helped me, and there I was suddenly in a new city, with a new beginning (all my problems stemmed from the situation I was in), and while things didn't suddenly go all happy doo da, I suffered from a lot of anxiety, and still do, a healing process began. While I still called myself a sunni muslim, I realized I was so different, I remember telling a friend of mine, how as a muslim, I feel absolutely alone. Now I realize it was kind of a snobby attitude, me thinking I am the only muslim in the world who has the possibility of being enlightened, but at the same time it was the reality of where I lived. My university had an MSA of less than 40, and while they accepted hijabis/non hijabis/leg showing muslimahs, in every other aspect they were staunch sunnis.
So then I graduated, and moved to a new city for work, and had to write a registration exam to begin working. I got some helpful advice, on which ayahs to read, and how many times each to increase my chance of passing my exam. Me being rebellious, was very cynical, and spoke to my ex about it (we had broken up by then, but were friends), and said I don't believe in this. He got very angry and insulted ( ), and told me I need to learn about what those learned in Islam say before I make such comments. I was like woah, when did he become a mullah. But that led me to question 200 other things, and doing some research on the internet, somehow led me to this website. And it was like sweet, I am not alone. But at the same time I was like huh, there are muslims out there who take the hadiths as a 100% authentic revelation. Im sure they were around me, but I had my head stuck in the clouds most in my life, so never met a single one.
And that was over a year ago, and now I am stuck in a rut. I have shed beliefs, and beliefs and more beliefs, but have not really replaced them with anything, so now I am just floating nowhere with no firm opinions on anything, and that can be very anxiety producing in itself. So I tell myself, well then go read the Quran, and read this and that, and figure stuff out. But I don't. I just bury my head in the sand.
So yah, that's how I came to something, and lets see how it goes from here.
Kukumber
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Peace, Kukumber !
Remarkable journey indeed! Praise be to Allah that you made it through all of those hard times, and finally you are beginning to see the light! sun
I'm glad you don't feel alone anymore. Many of us have admitted that we too are feeling a bit lost as well - I know I am. But I am confident that Allah appreciates an open truth-seeking heart, over a closed one merely following whatever dogma they are fed by random people. So, I think you're on the right path.
May peace be with you.
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Salam,
Read all of it, since this website is for freedom of minds, most of the testimonies you will read are similar one way or the other. Most of us have very similar upbringing in a sense that non of us ever bought into the idea that we just accidentally landed in a family where the "Sahih" religion is being followed and we just have to blindly copy whatever our forefathers did to get in to heaven. I believe that makes us rebels against that blind system, and the bad side effect is loneliness.
From your story, it sounds like society could not kill your common senses. Let me quote from your story
I got some helpful advice, on which ayahs to read, and how many times each to increase my chance of passing my exam.
Its funny how their own believed first revelation refutes this and establishes education by the pen to be a way towards knowledge not blindness. As we see below
961 Read in the name of your Lord who has created.
962 He created man from an embryo.
963 Read, and your Lord is the Generous One.
964 The One who taught by the pen.
965 He taught man what he did not know.I hope you already read this from the Qur'an. Just going to the index of any modern day Qur'an and looking under the labels of "knowledge" clarifies all doubts. Indeed, Allah is the most high, king of all kings, the merciful Lord.
May Allah increase you in knowledge and guide you to the straight path.
------------------- Student of Allah
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peace,
so now I am just floating nowhere with no firm opinions on anything
A woman without strong opinions on anything....... I find that hard to believe. ;D
On a more serious note, you reminded me of something I wrote
I now realise it was necessary to break down my beliefs and rebuild on a solid foundation . Like most I started with a core starting point (belief in God) but had built upon it a mixture of Islam+tradition+culture+myths+hearsay+bias. This was not a solid strucutre, so I began to dismantle it using the ultimate reality smasher The Quran. Akin to how a sculptor does not keep adding clay to his subject, actually, he strips away the inessentials until its true form is revealed, and the truth is beautiful.
I recommend just to be good and do good, and read AQ regularly. See what comes of it.
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...And that was over a year ago, and now I am stuck in a rut. I have shed beliefs, and beliefs and more beliefs, but have not really replaced them with anything, so now I am just floating nowhere with no firm opinions on anything, and that can be very anxiety producing in itself. So I tell myself, well then go read the Quran, and read this and that, and figure stuff out. But I don't. I just bury my head in the sand.
So yah, that's how I came to something, and lets see how it goes from here.
Highlights above are from me.
Dear Sister,
I have two suggestions for you, nothing more.
1st Start by just CONTEMPLATING verses 262 & 569.
2nd Stop consuming processed foods, solid, liquid or mixed. Stop consuming DAIRY products, except low fat PLAIN YOGURT. Stop eating sugary and starchy foods. Change your diet to glutton free foods. Eat fresh fruits and lots of vegetables every day. Start eating QUINOA on a regular basis. Substitute it for bread, rice, pasta, cereals, and potatoes? Stay away from red meat. Eat only white meat and fish moderately. Have a couple of boiled eggs with the yoke still runny a few times a week. You may have just ONE every day. ;D And last but not least, exercise moderately on a regular basis.
Peace,
Khalil -
Thank you for your kind words Eikonoklastes )
Peace Student of Allah. Yes I completely agree, life is hard work, not oh lucky me, I landed into a family where I am guaranteed salvation. It would be harsh to say everyone we grew up with never questioned anything, but the ones that did, it was more divide stuff into cultural and religious. Cultural could be questioned, but nothing ever changed, because no one wanted to be the one to instigate the change.. Anything religious was never questioned. It was left to us rebels . And even for a quieter person who keeps all his rebellious thoughts to him/herself, its still lonely, because you know inside that you don't belong. And thank you for the Quran verses. I remember them well from my Religious Education class. We had to memorize them in arabic, with their approved English translation ).
Peace Wakas. I guess I was not very clear. I have strong opinions on many things, just nothing any more it seems to do with islam. I know, I don't like labels, and the word "religion" does not really fit with islam, And I can clearly and succintly say why, but that's about it. I think the first thing I need to work on is my concept of God.
Thank you for the quran verses kgwithnob. And as for your second part, I do exercise regularly as my means of transportation is a bicycle. Plus I go for runs depending on weather, and if I have time. And as for your food suggestions, thank you for them. I also agree that the foods you eat are very important in determining your mood and motivation. But I am also wary of diet fads. I have a very strong foundation in nutritional sciences due to my educational background, and the tools to make healthy eating choices. Like your example with gluten free foods (Im sure you did not mean glutton D). Gluten is a protein found naturally in wheat. Some people do have a gluten sensitivity, and cannot consume regular breads. I fortunately am not one of them, so there is no benefit to me as far as I am aware of avoiding gluten free foods. I believe in everything in moderation, and everyone has a diet that works best for them. For me who has the tendency to shrink (as in lose weight for no apparent reason), eliminating so many foods is a recipe for disaster ).
Thank you everyone for your kind words.
Kukumber
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Salam and Peace!
-------------I believe that makes us rebels against that blind system, and the bad side effect is loneliness.
No, we are not lonely.
Allah is with us.
961 Read in the name of your Lord who has created.
962 He created man from an embryo.
963 Read, and your Lord is the Generous One.
964 The One who taught by the pen.
965 He taught man what he did not know.So, sad!-----The Salafis, Sunnis say that the Prophet was illiterate.
It means, according to them, the Prophet himself did not obey Alalh's Commandment ___961 Read in the name of your Lord who has created.
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