idk if I commited zina [NSFW discussion]

dm11

First off I honestly am not starting this discussion with a casual attitude, I'm really scared.

I'll try and make a long story short

I'm an only child with no friends who hardly went anywhere. I grew up alone and did my daily salat whenever I could but I did not know Arabic and could not understand the verses in its entirety by just reading the English ( I realize this now). From an early age I was sexually abused by my cousins and they performed oral sex on me;I was really young and had no idea what was going on and its very painful for me to write this because I've kept this a secret for so long. These individuals that did this to me were close family, as the years passed by they never did this to me again but they lured me into traps when I got onto the computer a pornographic website showed up. Eventually in my later teens pornography became my gateway drug and I was hooked on over masturbation for years. In a society that had normalized sex I was fooling myself thinking oral sex would not be considered zina. So now I'm in my early 20s and got to know a girl on campus(she was not married), she performed this act on me a total of 3 times but I have never penetrated her vaginally but I did rub my penis against her anus (I didn't really penetrate her there). I had lost many family members recently and with the constant use of porn and jacking off I had become completely desensitized and numb even just living, I gave myself compulsive disorders making myself crazy living and getting up each day.

This happened months ago, this Ramadan though I have worked and tried so hard to change myself. I fasted the complete month and gave up pornography/masturbation, the girlfriend and all potential forms of zina. I will also be learning Arabic to read the Qu'ran Inshallah. All throughout my years since that incident happened to me I had been trying to cope with it and I never knew how to deal with the stress of always being scared. I don't know what Allah thinks of me but I asked and will continue to ask for his complete forgiveness.

I am just scared of judgment day, I feel like these past sins will scorn me even in the grave (where I might be punished). It's like I grew up in life confused and vaguely knowing anything about Islam and the more knowledge I knew the more everything looked completely different after I knew it. I now know what the meanings when they tell me to stay away from zina and the dunya on such a fundamental level.

I'm scared of Allah and the questions he will have for me.

Aryan_Warrior

Peace brother,

I can calm you down first and foremost that I believe you DID NOT commit Zina.

Zina as i'm aware is defined as the penis going into the vagina, thus literal penetration or intercourse needs to happen before its called Zina.

Of course you still aren't scot free as this I believe is still called "Lewdness" which one of the forms of lewdness is coming near Zina, which to my understanding means everything that normally would lead up to Zina which means oral sex, foreplay and any other forum of non-penetrative sex.

Regardless don't worry so much, repent and do good deeds. God is merciful and you should not deny his mercy

huruf

Relax, brother or sister. Do not torment yourself. Oblivion is a blessing, a gift of God. There are things that, once we have known what they do to us, their harm and scandal in our sould and bodies, when we lear that and reject it and ask God for forgiveness from our heart, we should accept His blessing of oblivion and accept to start anew.

Brother or sister dm11, you do not have to be a slave to the blunders of the past all your life. Leave them behind and embrace the blessings. As Jesus says in the gospels, let the dead bury the dead. You are not dead, you are alive and trust the Most Merciful, and the Most Merciful gave us the gift of oblivion.

You are not your errors, least of all your past errors. You are a drop of Allah's rahma. Love yourself and cherish what God has in store for you int he future.

Salaam

dm11

I am a brother and thank you guys for clarifying.

My ambition in this life is to attain Al-Firdaws in the Akhira. I know that whoever fasts the month of Ramadan will have his sins forgiven the back of the head raced with thoughts concerning "Ok your sins might be forgiven but are the opportunities to attain the highest levels of paradise still there?" also I heard that even if a person might be going to Jannah but committed some sins that he will still have punishments in the grave. Are these punishments for those people that continued the wrong that they were doing or is it for everyone that committed sins in their lifetime but still asked for forgiveness?

nimnimak_11

First off I honestly am not starting this discussion with a casual attitude, I'm really scared.

I'll try and make a long story short

I'm an only child with no friends who hardly went anywhere. I grew up alone and did my daily salat whenever I could but I did not know Arabic and could not understand the verses in its entirety by just reading the English ( I realize this now). From an early age I was sexually abused by my cousins and they performed oral sex on me;I was really young and had no idea what was going on and its very painful for me to write this because I've kept this a secret for so long. These individuals that did this to me were close family, as the years passed by they never did this to me again but they lured me into traps when I got onto the computer a pornographic website showed up. Eventually in my later teens pornography became my gateway drug and I was hooked on over masturbation for years. In a society that had normalized sex I was fooling myself thinking oral sex would not be considered zina. So now I'm in my early 20s and got to know a girl on campus(she was not married), she performed this act on me a total of 3 times but I have never penetrated her vaginally but I did rub my penis against her anus (I didn't really penetrate her there). I had lost many family members recently and with the constant use of porn and jacking off I had become completely desensitized and numb even just living, I gave myself compulsive disorders making myself crazy living and getting up each day.

This happened months ago, this Ramadan though I have worked and tried so hard to change myself. I fasted the complete month and gave up pornography/masturbation, the girlfriend and all potential forms of zina. I will also be learning Arabic to read the Qu'ran Inshallah. All throughout my years since that incident happened to me I had been trying to cope with it and I never knew how to deal with the stress of always being scared. I don't know what Allah thinks of me but I asked and will continue to ask for his complete forgiveness.

I am just scared of judgment day, I feel like these past sins will scorn me even in the grave (where I might be punished). It's like I grew up in life confused and vaguely knowing anything about Islam and the more knowledge I knew the more everything looked completely different after I knew it. I now know what the meanings when they tell me to stay away from zina and the dunya on such a fundamental level.

I'm scared of Allah and the questions he will have for me.

There is nothing wrong with pleasure if your in control. But there is something wrong with addiction and IMO Porn is heavily addictive thus your not in control. The goal is to do what is right which your reason usually verifies and confirms. Your will power enforces the doing of what is right in my opinion. So reason guides will power enforces.

In my honest opinion, you haven't done zina or have come anywhere near it. But IMO with the porn you are going near fahisha because you claim to be addicted and also IMO one shouldn't look at anyone naked unless they are either married to them or are in a relationship with them. Since in your case it isn't any of the latter with porn, I think there is some fahisha there (nothing too serious to be that worried though)

With the girl, you both clearly agreed to the act. Thus from a rational perspective, you did nothing wrong IMO since there was no penetration and thus no odds of a child BUT from a Quranic perspective, it's controversial.

As far as I know, no one has proven sexual activity to be exclusive to marriage and the Ma Malekat Aymunkum, (which is either translated as those whom your oaths possess OR those whom your right hands possess) could entail the idea of consent thus rendering your activity as acceptable provided that this was not done out of addiction or lack of self-control (which in your case, given what you've said I doubt)

Pleasure is pleasure, whether it comes from eating food or engaging in sex or watching a film. That which differs is the consequences. Eat too much/unhealthily you'l become obese/unhealthy. Eat stuff that you have an allergy to you'l get punished, you might even die. Engage in sexual activity that result in children....Essentially don't overdo anything, dont' eat so much that you become fat, and don't have so much sex that you become and addict.

But if there is no harm done and one is in control, then there is nothing to worry about. In the case of the girl I think there wasn't much wrong done given agreements between you two (and given the fact that there was no penetration) but it would have been better for you if you were in control of your desires and sought sexual activity to draw love from it as well as pleasure rather than just pure pleasure.

nimnimak_11

I am a brother and thank you guys for clarifying.

My ambition in this life is to attain Al-Firdaws in the Akhira. I know that whoever fasts the month of Ramadan will have his sins forgiven the back of the head raced with thoughts concerning "Ok your sins might be forgiven but are the opportunities to attain the highest levels of paradise still there?" also I heard that even if a person might be going to Jannah but committed some sins that he will still have punishments in the grave. Are these punishments for those people that continued the wrong that they were doing or is it for everyone that committed sins in their lifetime but still asked for forgiveness?

Your deeds IMO haven't been that bad. You could easily outweigh them with good deeds. If your good deeds are so many and so good, I don't see why you can't be amongst the highest ranked. Fahisha is a badness for your character, remove it replace with it better traits and hopefully you'd be really successful.

dm11

Your deeds IMO haven't been that bad. You could easily outweigh them with good deeds. If your good deeds are so many and so good, I don't see why you can't be amongst the highest ranked. Fahisha is a badness for your character, remove it replace with it better traits and hopefully you'd be really successful.

I feel better after reading your comments but I don't want to mistake this for not following the sunnah or by easing the thought of what I've done even if I haven't gone in deep enough. My every intention is to stay away from zina now that I know what it is, I am really grateful that I didn't go far in it that I would ruin my existence by doing an unlawful act.

I've changed my ways that I would not give a 2nd glance to a woman on the street. I'm staying away from tv (unless the program is acceptable and I'm spending some family time) and I'm giving up music and caffeine since these elements sway my emotions; I'm also strictly using the internet to learn Arabic and Islam.

huruf

I see that now your are very cautious. For my taste may be too much. But of course, you are right. After the experience you have gone trough it is wise to take control as others have said. I praise your efforts, and in sha Allah, trough them it may be that in the future you can go through life more relaxedly. I pray that you find the best way for you.

Salaam

mmkhan

I am a brother and thank you guys for clarifying.

My ambition in this life is to attain Al-Firdaws in the Akhira. I know that whoever fasts the month of Ramadan will have his sins forgiven the back of the head raced with thoughts concerning "Ok your sins might be forgiven but are the opportunities to attain the highest levels of paradise still there?" also I heard that even if a person might be going to Jannah but committed some sins that he will still have punishments in the grave. Are these punishments for those people that continued the wrong that they were doing or is it for everyone that committed sins in their lifetime but still asked for forgiveness?

Salaam brother and welcome to forum,

Never it says that your fasting for the month of Ramadan will have your sins forgiven, but...

2563
2563 And the servants of the Most Merciful are those who walk upon the earth easily, and when the ignorant address them, they say peace,

2564
2564 And those who spend the night to their Lord prostrating and standing

2565
2565 And those who say, "Our Lord, avert from us the punishment of Hell. Indeed, its punishment is ever adhering;

2566
2566 Indeed, it is evil as a settlement and residence."

2567
2567 And those who, when they spend, do so not excessively or sparingly but are ever, between that, moderate

2568
2568 And those who do not invoke with Allah another deity or kill the soul which Allah has forbidden, except by right, and do not commit unlawful sexual intercourse. And whoever should do that will meet a penalty.

2569
2569 Multiplied for him is the punishment on the Day of Resurrection, and he will abide therein humiliated

2570
2570 Except for those who repent, believe and do righteous work. For them Allah will replace their evil deeds with good. And ever is Allah Forgiving and Merciful.

Please keep in mind that there are 3 conditions mentioned in 257

1- Repentance
2- Accept/agree
3- Correct your deeds

To understand 2570 better, please click here.

May Allah bless you with all happiness and peace and guide us to His true path pr
mmKhan

nimnimak_11

I feel better after reading your comments but I don't want to mistake this for not following the sunnah or by easing the thought of what I've done even if I haven't gone in deep enough. My every intention is to stay away from zina now that I know what it is, I am really grateful that I didn't go far in it that I would ruin my existence by doing an unlawful act.

I've changed my ways that I would not give a 2nd glance to a woman on the street. I'm staying away from tv (unless the program is acceptable and I'm spending some family time) and I'm giving up music and caffeine since these elements sway my emotions; I'm also strictly using the internet to learn Arabic and Islam.

Ok but zina IMO is Adultery not fornication (because I don't think a just God would punish an adulterer (someone who has had sexual relations with someone other than the one they have made a life long commitment to) the same as a fornicator, who hasn't betrayed anyone) so technically IMO you haven't come near zina but people on these forums have different understandins of zina and sex in general.

Given what appears to be an addiction, this sort of hardline and committed approach is IMO a good move. But with the music....I don't know, I think huruf is right, this is too much hardline.

I'm a musician and I use music for exercise, motivation (for character), reverence and so on. It fires up the spirit which is supposed to help fight addiction. It's will power that is meant to get you away from your addiction and more towards what your reason (aql) is saying. IMO music is a good source. But what is good for one may not be good for another.

I'd keep in mind that the God is Perfect, Beneficent (forgiving, understanding, generous, sustainer, provider). With such a God, and your sincere approach to repentance and reform, I think your fear is a bit excessive.

It's within your potential to change. You can do it!! Godwilling/allowing you'l do it!