Past Sins
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Salam! i have a question regarding past sins. I've committed some sins while being a pre-teen/teenager. When I hit the age of 13, I realized how messed up I was, and I sincerely repented to Allah. My life shifted a little bit, and I felt something for the first time whcih I now realize was taqwa.
My sins torment me 'till now, after a whole decade passed. Some of my sins were just silly, so I was able to put them behind me, but a couple of them were major. I did not commit zinah, or was involved in drugs or anything of the like, but they are still big sins that I don't feel comfortable sharing.
I repented over and over and I can't find consolation... When I was committing them, I did not fully understand what was going on, because at that time i was around 8-10. I know that children's sins don't count, but I got my period at around 9, so I guess I am held accountable for what I did, even though I did not fully understand what I was doing.
I fear that my future partner will be disappointed in me if he ever found out, and I myself am ashamed of them. A very big concern of mine is, should I even tell him when we begin getting to know each other? What if he felt so repulsed that he'd break the relationship? I don't enjoy my happiness very much, because I keep thinking that I come from a bad past and I don't deserve anything good.
I am now much better than before alhamdulillah, I pray and fast, wear hijab, read Qur'an, and just try to be a good muslilmah, but somehow whenever I look someone in the eye there's a voice in my head syaing "they'd be disgusted if they knew what you did".
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Satan wants you to believe that you're still not forgiven and that there's no point in trying to be better because of past sins but that is not what God says. God is the most Merciful and has forgiven you the moment you sincerely repented. And you shouldn't tell anyone about your past because there's no point. Keep it to yourself, everyone makes mistakes. Focus on doing good not on your past.
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Self love, forgiveness and acceptance is a very important aspect of this life.
Love do not judge or punish, love forgive and accept.
Do not dwell too much in the past or worry too much about the future.
Be joyful and grateful on the present, everything was, is and will be ok. -
Sister,welcome.
Once aware, you can be your own measure now of how you live your life now and going forward.
Counter bad by doing good as you are going along in your life because as humans sins occur daily by us regardless of how much we repent.GOD created the balance for our trials . When guilt is felt by us at least it means we are listening to our deep instinct. So counter this feeling by doing something good.and this habit will create some balance to the mind.and acts like a rubber to the sin.
This new habit will take root inside you and you will develop a new you that is now washing the sin and the guilt with it. And may be even committing less and less sins You transform the sin into good deeds.
That is what GOD is saying to us hereExempted are those who repent, believe, and lead a righteous life. God transforms their sins into good deeds. God is Forgiver, Most Merciful.
إِلّا مَن تابَ وَءامَنَ وَعَمِلَ عَمَلًا صٰلِحًا فَأُولٰئِكَ يُبَدِّلُ اللَّهُ سَيِّـٔاتِهِم حَسَنٰتٍ وَكانَ اللَّهُ غَفورًا رَحيمًا
Those who repent and lead a righteous life, God redeems them; a complete redemption.
وَمَن تابَ وَعَمِلَ صٰلِحًا فَإِنَّهُ يَتوبُ إِلَى اللَّهِ مَتابًاIn other words we are doing it ourselves for ourselves to improve.
Hope you succeed and forgive yourself .
GOD bless you.
Peace.