Honouring parents
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Salaam rraza and thank you for your reply.
I guess you and Haseenababu are pushing home a point which deep down I probably know through my own wisdom; that if things are really bad then, as you said, there is a case for some amount of separation in order to heal/get by. But that at the same time the ideal is to being loving, forgiving and helpful and so we (I) should always work towards that.
i try to make it my life motto to not let how others treat me affect how i treat them. because then i dont have my own personality if im just doing to others wat they do to me, im just acting like a wall, bouncing off their own deeds back to them. wat makes me me is how i am to people around me. its easy to retaliate bad with bad, but hard to give good in return.
That was really meaningful for me. It got me thinking. sun
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I know this has been brought up a few times (after all this forum has been going for a while)..but..it is a big issue imo especially for westerners who've converted. I know through talking with people and my own situation too, that it's hard to gauge exactly how to do this. Maybe that sounds bad, but not all westerners are brought up with this idea of honouring and/or obeying parents.
The Quran says (from Reformist Quran)
298 We instructed the human to be good to his parents. But if they strive to make you set up partners with Me, then do not obey them. To Me are all your destinies, and I will inform you of what you used to do.
That sounds easy enough. But
Is it suggesting obey? Or just, as it says, be good to?
What about where the relationship between parent and child is defective? Destructive?What do you do then? Where do you draw the line? How much should you put up with?
The parent may not be encouraging the child away from Islam but they may be damaging them in some other way for example damaging their self-esteem through the things they say and the way they treat them.
Would anyone like to have a go at this one for me? The interpretation for me has been an ongoing issue since I converted so I would love to hear some opinions on here. My feelings a long while back were always try to be accepting, tolerant etc etc. That can be quite damaging in the long term though. Sometimes I think one needs to put their foot down and say ''no more''. Can that fit with Islam? -\
Thank you. peace Rana
Salam rana
And We have enjoined on man (to be good) to his parents in travail upon travail did his mother bear him, and in years twain was his weaning (hear the command), "Show gratitude to Me and to thy parents to Me is (thy final) Goal. (3114)
Treat parents with honour & speak to them graciously & with humility
Thy Lord hath decreed that ye worship none but Him, and that ye be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in thy life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honour. And, out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say My Lord! Bestow on them thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood. (1723)
Be grateful to parents but do not obey them if they strive to make you associate things with God
...Be grateful to Me and to both your parents; to Me is the eventual coming. But if they strive to make thee join in worship with Me things of which thou hast no knowledge, obey them not; yet bear them company in this life with justice (and consideration), and follow the way of those who turn to me (in love) in the end the return of you all is to Me, then will I inform you of what you did (3115)
These verses make it clear that we must honour our parents, appreciate their sacrifices and efforts for us, and do our best for them. This is required regardless of whether they are Muslims or not.
Serve God, and join not any partners with Him; and do good- to parents, kinsfolk, orphans, those in need, neighbours who are near, neighbours who are strangers, the companion by your side, the wayfarer (ye meet), and what your right hands possess For God loveth not the arrogant, the vainglorious;- (436)
sun
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at the end of the day parents are the ones who have in one way or another helped you at some point in life..even if its fr one moment..i think it wud be good if we hold onto that one moment and try to be the best children we can be.
Very true, was thinking about typing those words. That's what I meant actually from my whole story. Thank u sis.
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Rana, I have wondered also about that part of the Quran's teaching.
I was born to a couple way, way up there near the very limits in the scale of personality disorders. They are absolutely evil beings. Thanks to God, I survived their cruelty, and I was not with them for long. My life has been much better with them out of it.
What does the Quran mean by reference to "parents" where it tells us of duty to parents? Where it gives direction to parents, those directions pertain to parenting. I cannot believe the duties or obligations (kindness and support) are meant to run only one way when they never ran the other way.
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One has to make de part of things. In another aya of the Qur'an there is an explanation of why one has tob e good to his or her parents. It says te mother carried you 9 months and then took care of you and says something else about the father. On the other hand, the aya quoted at the beginning of the thread says to be good to the parents. I do not see that it says obey them. It is obvious that while we are children and cannot fence for ourselves we should obey, but when we are forty obey the parents cannot be other thing than a joke. Parents get older, so we should be good to them. Muslims must be good to everybody, then obviously also to parents, but parent are not anybody, we owe them something, they have served God, willingly or unwillingly so that we exist. We must be particularly good to them.
But when the father has never cared for us, there is no reason. The mother since even if it was only that, carried us 9 months. Gratefulness demands form us that we do nto forget that, but on the other hand if after that she has been utterly bad to us, first we should defend ourselves, and after we are properly protected we may turn to her and be good to her.
That is what we have been told, be good to them, particularly good. And the same thing applies as to everybody else. We should be good to everybody, but the demand does nto mean that we should obey anybody or put up with anything from anybody. For God's sake we are obliged to every liing being, but that does not mean under any conditions and no matter what they do. The same shoudl apply to parents, only that we are specially indebted to them, sicne God used them for our existence.
Then of course, when they are very loving, we are more than indebted, we love them, love them very much and care for them no because of any obligation, but because we love them.
Teh thing, I think, is that we should not be grudging with them, but ggood. Parenting is very difficult, extremely difficult and people are not genius neither for that nor for anything else, we therefore shoudl be patient with their errors, and not hold them against them when they are not done on purpose. They are human. We should be good to them. We are not perfect either.
Salaam
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I agree with Huruf above here in that it is not simply telling us to obey our parents but is rather telling us to be good and kind to them. The second part is that if they try to get you to associate partners is what you should never obey.
One other thing I wanna point out is how the Quran uses the word "obey". Obey as the Quran states usually involves "belief" as evident here in 298 with how obeying their command to associate partners means you believe them in that there are others who have the right to have a divine association.
or
"And if you obey the majority of those on Earth they will lead you away from God's path; that is because they follow conjecture, and that is because they only guess." (6116)
Here also shows that it is belief based as leading one astray based on guesswork is likely pointing to someone who follows a false belief.
and of course
"And do not eat from that which God's name has not been mentioned, for it is vile. And the devils they inspire their supporters to argue with you; and if you obey them, then you have set up partners."(6121)
Here it states if one regularly eats it, they are simply doing a sin as it calls it "fisq" (vile) and then states if we "obey" them and eat it then we have associated partners, which would likely point to them believing them as if they were lawmakers alongside God that it is okay to eat it as in it isn't haram based on what they said.
Thus obey in the end seems to more or less always involve belief and thus parents are never said to be "obeyed" here and only said to be respected
Course I may be wrong on the "obey" part and if I am then may God forgive me. As for the parents part I am confident in stating that it never stated to obey them.