Hi from France, introducing myself and exposing my heart problems :(
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Salam everybody!! I'm Bilal, 23, from north of France, still a student. Here is my story.
When I went to university, I visited an atheist french website who exposed many "contradictions" of the Quran. I was depressed, not knowing what to think Does God really exist? Everytime I had a little free time, I checked things on human body, or nature, who could convince me that yes, It exists (I don't put a He, bcz God doesn't have sex). It lasted around 2 years, and all my beliefs were still shaked
Then, I came across some websites translating differently harsh vrses like the infamous 434 (eeeeeeverybody knows it), and then free-minds, where criticism of hadiths, etc... conforted me in my belief in God. It was in summer 2011. Took me a long time to create a profile, but I as more a listener than somebody who talks (it's changing now)noooow let's talk about my heart problems in may2013, I met a girl (I never dated before), who came to me indirectly. She is a hijabi, but she was funny, dressing in skinny jeans, etc... and above all very beautiful ))
problem is she is a die hard sunni, even though she was not always practicing. And at this time, I considered salat to not being a physical worship, so you could imagine how she reacted when I told her my thoughts. She incited me to listening to conferences by conservative preachers, and when I criticised them, she was angry and didn't want to talk to me. And the big problem is also she had just been rejected by her boyfriend. She told me she thought of suicide after that. And I didn't realise that although she highly appreciated me, I was just a toy for her, to replace her ex (i was soooooo blinded by love). She didn't love me, and my views on religion were unacceptable to her. And even though I started to change in her direction, it was not still enough for us to being compatible. She broke my heart, bcz she and her reconciliated (it didn't last longer than 2 weeks between them though). And now she is in love with a french lebanese (it was her fantasy) and I still have feeling for her bcz it disturb me that she is in love with someone else. We are still friends today.
Do somebody lived the same kind of story? Could you give me advices? I think that religion would have been a huge obstacle, but I'm still in love with her personnality, her recklessness. I know there are wise people right here)
I never told nobody about my story, I don't want to appear weak in front of people i know.
Thanks everybody!!! -
Greetings and Peace, all group
@Bilal welcome I'm glad that your heart troubles are metaphorical.
To quote an excerpt of a poem (Thomas Gray, Ode on the Death of a Favourite Cat)
From hence, ye beauties, undeceiv'd,
Know, one false step is ne'er retriev'd,
And be with caution bold.
Not all that tempts your wandering eyes
And heedless hearts, is lawful prize;
Nor all, that glisters, gold.
http//www.potw.org/archive/potw90.html
No relationship should ever set aside strongly held beliefs. This works both ways, and a relationship where there are commonalities on strongly held beliefs is more likely to be a lasting one. Relationships take time and are not for the fickle. Learn from the experience, but do not pursue what is gone.
You have plenty of time, ISA, to find a proper match. Who knows, you may even someone special on this very site; there are sections dedicated to it.
It is up to you how you choose to meet new people; online dating sites are an excellent way to find potential matches while avoiding wasted time. Whether you choose online or traditional, be yourself--it will not work to your advantage in the long run to pretend to be someone/something that you are not. Be cautious of the motives of others; some are after fun, some are crazy, some want you to spend money on them, and some are serious. Don't waste too much time if you find out that somebody has different goals from you; if they are after fun and you are after marriage, move on.
Want a story? Okay... I was 27 before I started dating; this is very uncommon in the United States. This was many years before I had embraced Islam, btw. One particular woman that I dated said that she was divorced. I took her at her word. Over time, we became intimate. It turns out, she wasn't divorced--she was separated (still married)! FML...adultery and I had no clue. ( I didn't find out any of this until after we had parted ways for good.
Before finding my wife, I met dullards and gold-diggers, as well as other unsuitable sorts. I met my wife in my 28th year of life.
I've now been married for 7 years and have 3 children. It is an interfaith marriage (sort of, we are both monotheists) and one of the children is from her previous marriage, legally adopted by me. We knew each other for about 3 years before marrying, but I was performing military duties away from home for about 18 months of that--and were engaged for seven months before the marriage.
May ALLAH see fit to Guide all seekers.
peace
~Abdul-Hadi
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Peace,
Welcome to the forum.
God bless you
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Hi!
welcome
Sad to hear your story about the girl.
I had a boyfriend, a devotee of Ahmadiyya (Qadiani) version of "Islam". At that time, I was still a Sunni, but even when I was a Sunni. I never liked to wear hijab. Our problem was not because of our differences in beliefs but he often ignored me. I overcome this by stop talking to him and just browsed the internet and learned something new, watched videos, talked to random people on the internet etc. He was my first love but now, his heart is in the dustbin! P
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Thank you so much Abdul Hadi, experience speak right there! I see that your experience is worst than mine. But I see that it turned up good for you, hamdulilah. It was the first time I dated a girl, and at age 22 it's also highly unusual right there. That's why it affected me so much. I lost my virginity with this girl!
I think she is quite serious too now that she experienced fornication, and all the shame that can come from it. I agree with you when you say that agreement on beliefs is important, but I still think about the "opposite attract" thing..
I don't know why, but I just find girls in hijab gorgeous (depend on their dress style also of course). But I hate their lack of acceptance that mainstream has been distorted (I can't accept stories like punishment of the grave)
I'm a bit active in dating websites, but in France, a few people would agree to give up on sunnism to just be muslims. Sad, very sad..Thanks Man of faith, God bless you too
@dhb (your pseudo is too long to write lol) he didn't really love you if he ignored you. I remember, with her it was phonemessageover phone message, everytime of the day. It was childish, but it made me feel great.
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Salam Bilal,
Sounds like the girl you love treated you as a rebound, the best thing you can do is to just stop contacting her.Believe me this is a pretty common problem which is one I've experienced myself, she's probably happy to be friends with you but if you feel strongly about her then its an unequal relationship weighted against you, and why waste your time on a person you want that you are never going to get, so let her go. If she's with the guy she wants then she doesn't want you.
Harshly put, but being friends is just putting emotional needles into your body, make the break.
In looking for marriage prospects for other people/relatives in the UK, I know a lot of people put "Just Muslim" in their 'dating'/marriage profiles, I guess it hasn't reached that stage in France yet but in the UK at least its getting to the point where they realise labelling themselves as Sunni is offputting and doesn't really reflect their true beliefs.
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Sounds like you just need to find a woman of integrity. Knowing this now, liberate yourself of the power that you allow her to have over you. Imagine the right kind of woman, and believe it to be true. I always tell myself that if I can't find marital happiness in this life, then hopefully the next. There are certain things you can compromise on, but people who behave the way this woman does are just trouble. Even if she returned to you, you would be paranoid for the rest of your life, and that is no way to live. And I am speaking from experience, here.
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Salam and thanks to all those who gave me advice about my story
@Little Mannie I wish I could liberate myself from the power she has over me, but I really can't... it's about emotions, which is hard to control, and I happen to fall strongly in love when I meet some one, which is a sure weakness
She is my first crush and I feel that she will always be special to my eyes. She made me change some bad habits etc...
But as time pass, I feel less and less love for her. Last week, she told me that she was not at ease with me talking to her (something she already told me last summer), because she is sick of men, and that I shouldn't be speaking to her after what she did to me. She told me I was a nice guy and that she was a mean girl (something she never said), and for that reason I will find a girl better than her. But I know that if I talk to her in a month, she will probably be enthusiastic. That's the way she is, unpredictable... but I know that I CAN'T accept a return from her. I will always be friend with her, but nothing more, even if it will always hurt a little bit emotionnaly
I don't know if it has been the case for some people around here? -
I will always be friend with her, but nothing more, even if it will always hurt a little bit emotionnaly
I don't know if it has been the case for some people around here?Be careful, if she knows this then she might take advantage of it later, and you will receive no benefit for the trouble. If its 'hurting a little bit emotionally' that means you can't really be just friends.
Just my input.
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Be careful, if she knows this then she might take advantage of it later, and you will receive no benefit for the trouble. If its 'hurting a little bit emotionally' that means you can't really be just friends.
Just my input.
Not a friend like any other else, a"special friend", but still a friend.
I'm not ready to "be here for her whenever she needs" like I used to not so long ago. I can confront her right now.
But really thank you for your advice, I get what you mean and I will surely be careful