Beating of kids or threating them with light violence
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Peace be upon you all!
We have our first one on the way (30 days), God Willing
I will never hit my child.Salaam,
I have seen some programs on TV "Super Nanny" and that program give me some idea how to treat a wild child without violence.
I saw that program today )
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Salaam Tux,
Hey who are you?
Peace
Sis Majidah -
Peace all,have you read this? I really enjoyed reading it
When Amanda Craig lost her voice after an operation for thyroid cancer, she found she really started to hear what her children had to say
Listen with mother
http//www.guardian.co.uk/parents/story/0,3605,1234343,00.html
Wednesday June 9, 2004
The GuardianAny modern parent knows that, if you are to avoid smacking, argument is the only way to maintain discipline. Quiet words and sweet reason are supposed to do the trick when confronted with a tantruming toddler or angry adolescent. But of course, it doesn't always work out like that. You can find yourself screeching like one of Roald Dahl's witches, or just abjectly begging for mercy. Yet your voice is there as your prime means of keeping your children obedient, entertained, consoled and safe. Whether you use it like a whip-lash, or roar as gently as any sucking dove, it is the tool of first choice.
But what do you do if you suddenly have no voice at all?Earlier this year, I discovered I had thyroid cancer. I had suspected I was ill for some time because I felt tired all the time, and have (despite many attempts to reverse this) gone up four dress sizes, but my GP kept telling me I was just a stressed-out working mother. Eventually, I paid for a private blood test, which revealed that I needed a scan, which revealed that I needed a biopsy, which revealed a carcinoma right over my voice-box ... and then, last month, I had to have my thyroid taken out.
The cancer was "huge", according to the surgeon, but hadn't spread. (Thyroid cancer, though excruciating to have out, is the one cancer for which a "magic bullet" exists, in the form of radioactive iodine catch it in time, and you have a normal life-span.) That was the good part. The bad part is that, despite being operated on by the best surgeon in Britain for this problem, I have lost my voice indefinitely.
Not only do I now look like Frankenstein's monster, with stitches right across my neck, I am also the Little Mermaid - my least favourite character. Being struck dumb is a curse second only to blindness in most fairy tales; although mine is apparently temporary, and far less dreadful than being blind or deaf, I have begun to see why. The equation of a voice with power is fundamental to most human interaction, and having none affects every possible aspect of my life. Everything, from judging this year's Whitbread prize, to making sure my kids do their homework, has just become very difficult. Do you try to convey your thoughts by writing them on huge placards that other members of a panel can read, as in Edwardian theatre? Do you enact a violent pantomime, beaming like a lunatic or miming death by strangulation when Deborah Moggach, Alan Hollinghurst or David Mitchell are mentioned? At least, in my professional life as a novelist, I can communicate via email. Domestically, however, it is a nightmare.
I always wondered, when watching The Piano, how Holly Hunter's character brought up her child when unable to speak. My daughter and son are lively, imaginative, naughty and noisy, and at times it has felt as if all that stands between domestic order and chaos is the strength of my vocal cords. For me, the experience of love in my life has always been one of conversation, and my children reflect that, at full volume. Both have been used to a continual exchange of chat, questions, jokes, gossip, songs and information from the moment they were able to put two words together. Suddenly, that has been cut off. My voice lies in my throat like a ball at the bottom of a deep well, and nothing but time can get it up again.
I speak, effortfully, in a faint, breathless whisper that even someone sitting next to me finds hard to understand. It's bad enough for my husband, but to my children it seems as if I have become a ghost. Not only can I not ask them basic stuff like what their day at school was like, I can't read them stories at bedtime or comfort them with anything more than cuddles. Some friends have suggested I use a policeman's whistle, and it's true, I can whistle - or clap - as if to dogs. Otherwise, I have to whisper.
And yet - and yet - something else has happened, too. Not being able to speak forces you to listen. If words can seem like a ball kept bouncing between two players, or a shower of javelins between two armies, they can also mask feelings, and create misunderstandings. What to me is a supple, subtle knife, capable of splitting hairs, is to them a blunt instrument for conveying feeling. Children, like dogs, are acutely sensitive to the way words are said, rather than the language chosen. For them, the emotion is all in all, not what it is wrapped up in. They hate being shouted at as much as they hate being hit - if not more. Even if what you are saying is perfectly sensible and reasonable, they will only hear the volume. Though fewer and fewer parents strike their children, I suspect that more and more of us shout at them instead. How else to express impatience, frustration or even anger? You can believe yourself to be compassionate and non-violent, but raising your voice to a child can be just as terrifying as raising your hand. Each generation of my father's family has made efforts to shed an aspect of anger, from my grandfather, brought up in a notoriously cruel Edinburgh orphanage, to my father, who refused to beat his daughters with a leather belt as he had been beaten, to myself, possessor of the kind of temper traditionally associated with red hair and a voice that, when roused, has not needed a microphone when addressing a public meeting. I have tried not to use this weapon when exasperated, and all too often have failed. I never, however, expected to be forced into becoming a child whisperer.
If you just listen to a child, instead of talking to (and occasionally, it must be admitted, at) them, making the odd grunt or sigh to show you are there, no end of stuff comes out. Since losing my voice, I have learned more about what my son thinks and feels than I ever knew before. From this, I have learned that children want a silent, sympathetic audience far more than they want advice, stories or even prompting. Being able only to whisper gives them a sense of intimacy which they rather enjoy. My inability to call, bellow, shriek or yell at them means they have to come close and listen when I ask them to do something, which makes them concentrate harder on what I'm actually saying. To my great surprise my noisy, exuberant pair have become much quieter, more considerate and more obedient. I don't think it's just that I have been ill. We have been forced to listen to each other.
Children are assailed by noise, from over-loud music, films and personal stereos to the demands and instructions of adults in their lives. No wonder their concentration, in this generation, tends to be poor. They need to learn how to speak up, but they also need to be heard, much more than I ever realised, and they need peace and quiet in which to learn to hear their own thoughts. When my voice comes back, and the normal cacophony of family life returns, I hope the gift of the gab does not swamp the sounds of silence. Keeping mum as a mum isn't the end of the world. In fact, it feels like a new beginning.
? Amanda Craig's novel, Love in Idleness, has just been published in Abacus paperback, price ?6.99.
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I will never hit my child.
Yes, I remember telling myself that before I got married... and did quiet well too, the first 2 years! P I'm with Damon though, there's a fine line between abuse and discipline, and balance is key. I was beaten as a child in school, by my parents and at the madrassa. I couldve done without it, but I still respect and love my parents. As for the teachers... well, maybe I would've liked school a little more... but no regrets or blames for my life's 'problems'. I come from a 3rd world country, and when I see people here talking of spanking as abuse... they have no idea what goes on in the rest of the world. I'm not advocating beating, most of the times it doesn't serve much purpose, but at the same time, depending on the child, some spanking may be necessary. In terms of political correctness, I know this gets frowned upon... but, hey, welcome to the real world. twisted
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Salaam all,
Well put Zenje. And quite an eye opener at that.
BUUUUT........he just did it again about five minutes ago. My three year old son just ruined another pair of underwear by, once again, sneaking off somewhere and proceeded to unload in his underwear even though he didn't go on the potty when we put him on it.
I'm sorry guys, I know Joe said that it's independence on his part, but I can't help but to feel as though it's more like stubborness instead. Needless to say, I gave him a whack on his boody. The thing is it wasn't a harsh wack and that's probably one of the reasons why he isn't taking this, as well as other things, seriously at all.
My wife and I use spankings sparingly and we're content to just talk to them and yell at them when we feel it neccessary. Man, this is beyond frustrating.
By the way, thanx guys for giving me the congrats on the little bun my wife and I have in the oven.
Salaam,
Damon. -
Peace be upon you zenje, all
My father hit me too as a child, not hard though.
I have forgotten all about that, but what I can?t forget is one time when my father hit my little brother and he went to school crying. It was 13 years ago and even today when I think about it I feel sad and angry. I?m maybe a little bit weak but that?s how I feel.Let me put it this way; I hope I never hit my child.
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Peace Zenje,
Are you gonna check if it's a boy/girl in advance (ultrasound)?... or do you wanna be surprised?
I find that it is quite effcient to find out in advance for preparation purposes (name of child, color baby clothes to buy, etc.)
We already have two boys, so my wife is hoping that we have a girl this time. I'm hoping for the same thing I had hoped for with our first two....a healthy baby GOD Willing.
Salaam,
Damon. -
Peace tux and Damon,
Congratulations to both of you on your upcoming attractions. D
Keep these prayers in mind;
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It was then that Zachariah called on his Lord, he said ?My Lord, grant me from You a good progeny, You are hearer of the prayers.?
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And We enjoined the human being to honour his parents. His mother bore him with hardship, gave birth to him in hardship, and his weaning lasts thirty months. Until he has attained his maturity, and reaches forty years, he says ?My Lord, direct me to appreciate the blessings You have bestowed upon me and upon my parents, and to do righteousness that pleases You. And let my progeny be righteous. I have repented to You; I am of those who have surrendered.?
Peace.
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I wish you peace, well being and salvation warda, all
sorry for the late response i was ill 2 weeks, down to bed...
So do you have a boy? I will ask my princess what she thinks about our arranged wedding at the age of four lol
Zlatan, if I may ask isn't your name slavish?D yes i do have a boy, actually 2 of them, a four and a 6 year one...
And yes my name is slavish and it means Golden
best wishes, Zlatan
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I very much agree with what you said!!!
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Peace
Many here speak what they speak because they have not had children. And maybe, they have not even observed children's behavior.
We can not generalize, and say that all children are the same, or say that the way to discipline them is either words or violence. Lets not forget that children are humans, and as humans they are complex beings, and they have free will. Also, they are not a gift but a test to us according to quran.
878 And know that your possessions and your children are a test, and that with Allah is immense reward.First of all, people needs to understand that children are ignorant beings that are just beginning to learn, and they do not know what is best for them. in this there is a lesson for believers. They will behave following their desires, for it is the only thing they know. As they learn from their environment, they will begin to mold their behavior, and know were the limits are.
There are some children that will respect the limits just by being told what is bad and what is good.
There are others that will require the warning of a painful punishment(a good spanking in the buttock(i personally dislike slapping in the face) in order for them to obey.
There are others that will obey but until they see the painful punishment coming. Some parents are satisfied with them as long as they obey. But, I think they should receive the punishment so that next time they will obey at the first warning.
And, there are others that even if you beat them to death they will be stubborn/arrogant (thinking they know better than the one sustaining them) and will not obey nor behave withing the limits. In this case, all you can do is pray God for a solution, and be patient.Children need discipline, and sometimes violence has to be implemented to make them stay within the limits, and to protect them from their own violence.
may God increase our knowledge and give us wisdom.
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Psychology is a better tool than domestic violence. Violence in child rearing is considered an obselete method and research clearly shows that there are better methods.
Child beating is also illegal by law in most developed countries leading to in worst case a prison sentence.
I think you might reconsider your view of life. But considered you seem to think wife beating is okay I understand you live in the past and have primitive ideas.
/Amenuel
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It is really sad that some people here believe in abusing children.. Whether it is light violence or hard it is still extremely wrong and has no place in a civilized society. It is only primitive people who abuse their children or spouse. Throw those primitive people into jail already.
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Peace
for your words I understand that you are still little.
'wny
It is really sad that some people here believe in abusing childrenThere is a clear line between discipline and abuse, but I do not think you understand either of this words.
Manoffaith
Child beating is also illegal by law in most developed countries leading to in worst case a prison sentence.yes, here in the Us you could go to prison for child beating. they may not allow hard old discipline ways, but they fill your hyperactive kids with drugs, lithium, etc. to keep them calm and stupid, would you say that is better. Or, until the 1970s lobotomy was legal, they took your kid and inserted a ice pick through the eyes and destroyed their brain, and it was done by your doctor gods in which you trust so blindly. Also, go and see how their children are behaving, it is normal and funny to hear a child being told to do something by his/her mother to answer " shut up bitch".
I understand you live in the past and have primitive ideas
Kids in your developed countries that you worship so much are behaving in ways that in the Torah the law of god ordains death penalty. If God has primitive Ideas, maybe you should go teach Him what is better for us.
may God increase our knowledge and give us wisdom.
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Well I'm not sure if you count 22 years old as 'little'. FYI, violence is violence regardless of what its intentions are. To use violence in order to teach 'discipline' is abuse too. You obviously don't have any children, at least I don't hope so. And remember that you are passing down violence to your children who will start passing violence towards their children and it will spread, etc. This will also ruin their childhood.
yes, here in the Us you could go to prison for child beating. they may not allow hard old discipline ways, but they fill your hyperactive kids with drugs, lithium, etc. to keep them calm and stupid, would you say that is better. Or, until the 1970s lobotomy was legal, they took your kid and inserted a ice pick through the eyes and destroyed their brain, and it was done by your doctor gods in which you trust so blindly. Also, go and see how their children are behaving, it is normal and funny to hear a child being told to do something by his/her mother to answer " shut up bitch".
I'm pretty sure that he was excluding the US. He was refering to the Scandinavian countries and the other European countries (perhaps except the Eastern European nations who tend to be conservative). Any type of violence is and should be illegal, whether it is light or hard violence.
Kids in your developed countries that you worship so much are behaving in ways that in the Torah the law of god ordains death penalty. If God has primitive Ideas, maybe you should go teach Him what is better for us.
Wow.. But thanks for making the Torah look more bad than it already is though.
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Each child is each child. To have the same rule for all children is to ignore that they are persons. And each adult is alo each adult.
Children feel mistreated when people do not even get angry with them when they, the children behave in such a way as it would be logical for anybody to be angry. And it is false that they are encouraged to be angry themselves because of that. Some children do try and defy their parents and opush them to the limit, because they want to test them. If I can puh my mother or my father to the limit and she or he accepts it and does not do anything to me, how on earth are they going to protect me from harm if push come to shove. If they are that meek with me I just cannot trust this parent to protect me.
If they get reassured in that way not only they wont be angry with their parents but will love them more and will trust them more and will rely on them more. A parent who is too meek when she or he should be firm is of no use to a child.
I agree that beating on the face is inadmissible. not because of the pain or what but because it is humilliating. No person at no age. But I have never seen any child to bear scars because at some time the mother gave him or her a spanking. It is definitely bettr than to be cold or indifferet to them.
I was in a boarding school when I was a child younger than ten and none of the ladies teachers ever put her hand on anybody. Just one of them, when she really got fed up and ost her temper. She did it on the spur of the moment but none of the children disliked her. May be she was a little feared but not disliked. She was also the one who used to give us bear hugs and we really felt that she cared for us, and she did care. But she was human and I never resented her nor remember that any other children resented her. I guess now she would be thrown out of the school right away.
Coldness is far more damaging than spanking. Up to a certain age, spanking does not do any damage to a child. After that age, of course it is out of place. What damages them at any age and causes them pain that lasts forever is injustice even if there is no spanking or any physical violence. Injustice is far more damaging and a tragedy for children. It would be better if parents got lectures on that rather than on spanking when the kids get impossible.
Salaam
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Peace all,
Personally I'm very much against using any violence against children. Growing up I was very sensitive. I was the good kid because I always wanted to please my parents and make them happy with me. Even getting yelled at was something I didn't handle well, so I just made sure it never happened. I don't believe violence is at all necessary to raise a child well.
Now my partner was raised with physical punishments and does think that light violence can be good for kids. We haven't had many talks about it, but it worries me a bit. But anyways. That's a different topic.
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You can be firm with a child without inflicting physical pain. And a child that has not been reared properly from the beginning is harder to handle so if one later feel they have to use physical methods it means they did wrong to begin with. Often many children also grow a distant relationship to their parent when the child is exposed to abuse.
Usually the best method is to make ways to have the child face consequences for their deeds. Sanctions is one way, but parental guidance is also required in explaining the error to the child and explicitly telling why the error is wrong. If the child is taught empathy early on it will help making the child more tranquil, empathy is a great key. On top of that, it is important as a parent to act as a role model since the child will simply imitate your behavior and if you have a lousy appearance you cannot expect your own child to behave any better. You must be well aware of what kind of things in your surroundings that you give approval of, even if it is in fiction.
Being kind to your child and having a moderate amount of "treats" (not candy) helps both showing correct behavior and also leaves room for sanctions when needed as you have something to deprive them of as a consequence of their actions. The children will not do bad things without influence from peers, their own desire and their instinct, so making them aware of such affections early on in life may help too.
Wellness to you
Amenuel