Partner's parents living with us after marriage
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Hi all,
I hope this is the right category, I'm kind of an emotional wreck right now but feeling a little better after prayer.
I know this isn't a relationship problems forum but I feel like I have nowhere else to turn to.
Anyway, my partner (Pakistani background, if that helps) and I (white American girl) had a long discussion tonight. He expressed that if his parents like me and accept me well enough, that they're most likely going to want to move in with us. In his mind, my partner is prepared to have us all live together (myself, him, and his parents) and sort out our issues and disagreements and live together in eventual harmony like one big happy family.
This set off a huge red flag in my mind. A red flag because I've heard of these stories. I've heard of how the spouse's parents control the household, and the couple has to conform to their rules, and how there are arguments, and how there is no privacy, and how the wife feels a lack of freedom and control over her life and her husband's life. And kids? I don't want my kids to be raised by anyone but myself and my husband. I've heard how insane people go over living with their in laws, and how depressed they can become over it. I can't do it. I was crying over just the thought of it tonight. Albeit I don't know his parents, but I don't really feel that I have to in this situation. I just know living with parents will make me miserable.
He spoke about his cousins, and how they all live alone with their spouses. He says his parents are the different ones - that they want to live with their children. My partner is the only son. He feels like it's his duty to take care of them and provide for them.
He seemed firm on living with his parents - in the sense that he says if there's any issues, that we will all just resolve them (as opposed to moving out). He then said that we could live in separate units in one buliding (so that's more privacy but still not enough for me), and then he spoke about getting them a condo. (I have no problem with living close by to them and visiting often). It seems that if it were up to him, he would only want to live with me, but his parents are obviously heavily influencing his decision.
I'm really, really confused right now. I love him so much, but I honestly feel that living with his parents will destroy our relationship. When I told him it might be a deal breaker for me, he got scared. He felt like then that we wouldn't make it past a year. He doesn't want me to run. He wants to work through things with me, but I'm confused by that statement when he doesn't seem to want to compromise...?
Everything else in our relationship is great. I even made him and I go over a 15-page list of questions about our future when we started really talking about our future plans. I find it darkly humorous that this huge topic never came up. (At least, it sounded then from his question answering that we would be living by ourselves?)
I don't know, it's late and this is probably just a long jumbled mess... I'm just really confused.
Any insight? /
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dnt worry at all,
in pakistan its family system and they like to to live with eachother . thats what their tradition is.
its totally depend on the catagory of people most of the times womens are not happy with inlaws due to interjecting again and again in matters so my advise is to you if you really want to live happy stay away from anybody .but again the biggest wish for any pakistani men is to live with their parents and if you really love him you also need to respect ur husband wish.
but you can talk with him regarding the issues you have in your mind , like independence , and oother stuff , inshallah he will listen you and respect your wishes as well, and if you treat ur inlwas in a good way and if they are honest god fearing people they will also treat you like daughter,
but again . we cannnot change what is decided by God our free will works only in taking decisions , results are not under our control, whatever action you ur inlwas and ur husband will take it will bring a result definately but it will depend on all of three parties actions and inner thoughts, so be honest and set the results on God, make sure one thing , life is never easy there is a test after test, sometimes the test inside the test, its quite hard to get what we wish or think. treat life like a traveller not like a fix thing, a purpose of life is to treeat people in a way God order us to, so in quran God is adressing us to pay respect to your parents specially when they approach old age. its due to a reason. and also God is saying to respect your wives , one good submittor ned to make ballance in both of these two relation for spending a happy life , whenever the balance will change it will also change the attitude, so make ur balance in honest way inshallah you will get satisfied .
peace sister.
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It is already hard eough tolive with another person when you start, starting with three is really daring. Of course if they are excellent people and able to see themselve in your circumstance might not turn out a total catastrophe. But the unknowns are may. I thing that the in between solution of having them close but not in the same house if it cn be afforded is much better. That way you can see little by littl how it goes and adjust step by step to suit everybody's wishes or as many of them as possible. It may turn out that they are a great help. But you need some space and time to start your life in common. Let tht happen first and then see, but little by little.
We know tat in the patit was so and so ad so on, but we are not in the pat and we cannot make that we are not in the past, so you ust counnt on what there is, but please do not get upset, just explain things which are really reasonable and that whatever you want does not in any way amount to slighting his parents, as I am sure is the case.
Hope you will end up having a great relationship, but go about it the doable way.
Salaam
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dnt worry at all,
in pakistan its family system and they like to to live
with eachother . thats what their tradition is.Tradition? In 2016? Thank you for this info, I 'll be careful not to let a Pakistani or South Asian woman steal my heart in any event.
I can't imagine living with my parent or parent in law after marriage. I d prefer not to even live in the same town with them. However nice they may be, I just can't be my full self around elders. One of the joy in marriage is that you leave your parents, raise your home where you are your own boss and have your partner fully to yourself. Having a parent living with you would take away the this.
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Peace all,
dnt worry at all,
in pakistan its family system and they like to to live with eachother . thats what their tradition is.
Yeah, I'm aware of this. I'm aware that's how it is in their culture. But as I said, all of his cousins here living in the United States are living independently with their spouses. All of his aunts and uncles seem to have accepted the western way of "breaking away from the parents." It's just his parents that seem to want to live with him (although I feel like this could be potentially motivated by the fact they've never really experienced living away from him).
its totally depend on the catagory of people most of the times womens are not happy with inlaws due to interjecting again and again in matters so my advise is to you if you really want to live happy stay away from anybody .but again the biggest wish for any pakistani men is to live with their parents and if you really love him you also need to respect ur husband wish.
Yeah, that's my problem as I spoke about. I want to love his parents, but I'm not sure how well I can if I'm constantly feeling like I'm not getting my space or privacy.
I'm not sure if he does actually want to live with his parents, though. I asked him last night about his ideal living situation and he said that he would want to live with me, just us. I know this cultural aspect is weighing on him though, as I said he feels that it's his duty. He's also a people pleaser, and he wants to satisfy everyone (and I feel like this is his fatal flaw, because it's impossible to please everyone). But I also know his parents do annoy him sometimes, and he has on occasion expressed a desire to move out because of these annoyances. I know these annoyances he speaks of would greatly annoy me as well. So I'm not really sure where he stands, honestly.
but you can talk with him regarding the issues you have in your mind , like independence , and oother stuff , inshallah he will listen you and respect your wishes as well, and if you treat ur inlwas in a good way and if they are honest god fearing people they will also treat you like daughter
We're basically long distance right now, so I'm waiting to talk to him more until we're in person, but I did express that I wanted to have another conversation about this when we're together. I am hoping that we can sort it through and find a solution that works for both of us.
Yeah... I would love to be considered like their daughter, but I know at first we need to get past the race issue. His parents aren't going to be happy about that. So to be honest, this could become a non-issue if they hate me and want nothing to do with me, because then they won't want to live with us either. But there's still a strong chance that they will want to. It seems to be 50/50 at this point.
but again . we cannnot change what is decided by God our free will works only in taking decisions , results are not under our control, whatever action you ur inlwas and ur husband will take it will bring a result definately but it will depend on all of three parties actions and inner thoughts, so be honest and set the results on God, make sure one thing , life is never easy there is a test after test, sometimes the test inside the test, its quite hard to get what we wish or think. treat life like a traveller not like a fix thing, a purpose of life is to treeat people in a way God order us to, so in quran God is adressing us to pay respect to your parents specially when they approach old age. its due to a reason. and also God is saying to respect your wives , one good submittor ned to make ballance in both of these two relation for spending a happy life , whenever the balance will change it will also change the attitude, so make ur balance in honest way inshallah you will get satisfied .
peace sister.
I do want to strike a balance. I will keep praying about this and talk to my partner, and see now and in the future what decisions we can reach.
I want to respect and care for his parents, definitely (as well as mine, of course). I don't want to just stick either of our parents in a nursing home and never see them again - that's not what I want. I know that despite how "Americanized" he is, that's one aspect of "western" culture that he doesn't agree with - how children just throw their parents in nursing homes and never see them again (his words, basically). I think that's a major fear for him (or even that I wouldn't be able to incorporate his parents into our lives as much as he wants? I don't know. He definitely seems to be back-and-forth on how HE feels about the whole thing).
I know people do that (put their parents in a nursing home and never see them again, I mean), but I couldn't do that to my parents, and I know he couldn't either. That's why we started talking about a potential condo situation, something that they could be comfortable in to satisfy them, something that's close by to satisfy my partner, but something that's far away enough to satisfy my own need for space and privacy.
Thank you brother. handshake
Hi Comrox,
It's good that you two talk about these things before it's getting really serious.
I think it's good too, we try to talk about everything and have a open line of communication. I really want this marriage to work, so I want us to be on the same page as much as possible.
An condo in the neighborhood like he suggested is I think a good solution.
I agree. peace
It is already hard eough tolive with another person when you start, starting with three is really daring. Of course if they are excellent people and able to see themselve in your circumstance might not turn out a total catastrophe. But the unknowns are may.
I agree. It's a completely unknown territory, and that's what scares me. I would be the major outsider in this situation.
Last night my partner was trying to reassure me that while there will definitely be issues, that it wouldn't be unbearable. He genuinely seems to believe that his parents would be flexible and understanding of our needs for privacy and the like. But I'm skeptical. I'm very skeptical. -\ Even if there are very little problems, at the least I would like my own house one day with my husband and children only.
I thing that the in between solution of having them close but not in the same house if it cn be afforded is much better. That way you can see little by littl how it goes and adjust step by step to suit everybody's wishes or as many of them as possible. It may turn out that they are a great help. But you need some space and time to start your life in common. Let tht happen first and then see, but little by little.
I agree that close by not actually living with them is best. I just have to hope and pray that my partner will see this. I know that money is also an issue, but if money's the problem I'll do whatever I can to get them a place, if they're okay with it and my husband's okay with it. Worst come to worst we will just have to postpone our wedding and living together plans until we can afford to pay for a wedding and get both ourselves and his parents a place (I'll wait for this).
We know tat in the patit was so and so ad so on, but we are not in the pat and we cannot make that we are not in the past, so you ust counnt on what there is, but please do not get upset, just explain things which are really reasonable and that whatever you want does not in any way amount to slighting his parents, as I am sure is the case.
Hope you will end up having a great relationship, but go about it the doable way.
Salaam
That is the case; as I said I don't mean any disrespect towards his parents at all. I feel like this is half about them (the fact that they are my spouse's parents, and potential personality, behavioral, and cultural clashes) and half about the fact that I want my own life and my own independence with my husband. I'm terrified that I'll become so unhappy that I'll lose myself and my relationship with my husband.
I also really want my own cat one day, and I've expressed this a lot, since the beginning of our relationship. I'm just remembering this now, and the fact that his mother is against cats. ( I don't know what my partner has been thinking...
But anyways, I'm a little better today and trying not to get too upset. I'm trying to hold on until we talk in person.
Tradition? In 2016? Thank you for this info, I 'll be careful not to let a Pakistani or South Asian woman steal my heart in any event.
There may be slight variations between cultures and families, but in my partner's Pakistani culture it seems to be the oldest son that has the responsibility of housing and caring for his parents, along with his wife. So marrying a woman, you should/would be safe.
I can't imagine living with my parent or parent in law after marriage. I d prefer not to even live in the same town with them. However nice they may be, I just can't be my full self around elders. One of the joy in marriage is that you leave your parents, raise your home where you are your own boss and have your partner fully to yourself. Having a parent living with you would take away the this.
I have the same feelings. I can imagine myself being a different person around them. I can be myself around my partner, but around them I doubt it. It's a different relationship dynamic. And I'm sure my partner is different around his parents too, and I'll see that side of him as well, probably more often than I'd like if we live with them.
The physical and emotional freedom associated with having one's own place is something I didn't consider until I read someone bringing it up in a relationships forum. I want to be able to have an argument with my partner without worrying about who's going to hear us, or what they're going to think or say to us about it. I want to be able to be fully comfortable in my own home without worrying about who may see me. I'm not even sure if I would be comfortable sexually with my partner if I knew his parents were only a few doors away. ( And physical intimacy would be confined to the bedroom only, too. -\
Anyways, sorry, this is turning into a bit of a rant now so I'll stop here.
Thank you everyone for your responses. sun It means a lot. group God bless you all brothers and sisters. I'm praying that whatever happens, it will all find a way to work itself out.
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Peace Comrox,
Personally, I can't imagine living with my parents in law or my parents the first 10-20 years of my marriage (if I get married in the future). I don't know if it's a good idea to let ones parents live in the homes for the elderly when they get old. When someone is a child, he or she is weak and needs help from his or her parents. Thus, the parents of the child helps their child. When parents of the child get old, they become weak and need help from their son or daughter. Thus, the son or daughter helps his or her parents. The children gets help from his or her parents when he or she is a child and is weak. And the son or daughter gets help from his or her parents when they become old and are weak. This seems to be a natural cycle. Therefore, it might be a good idea to live with or close to ones parents in law or ones parents when they get old.
Personally, I am reluctant to give advice to others regarding relationships and other issues in life. Thus, I don't not want tell you if it is right or wrong to live with the parents of your partner. The reason why I am reluctant to give advice to others regarding relationships and other issues in life, is because of a very important lesson I learned in one of my past jobs. In that job, my bosses taught me to not tell my clients what they should do if they ask for my advice. They taught me to be neutral if my clients would ask me for advice. Because if I told them what they should do, and my advise was bad, then I would mislead them. And if I misleaded them due to my advice, then I would get bad karma. For example, if one of my female clients told me that her husband have treated her very bad the last few days, and that she is considers to leave him, and asked me what she should do, then I wouldn't tell her what she should do. I wouldn't tell her to leave her husband or stay with. Instead, I would ask her the following question What do you think is the right thing to do? And then I would tell her that she needs to find out what she must do on her own. If I told one of my female clients that she should leave/divorce her husband, then I might have done a grave mistake. Because even though her husband has treated her bad a few days, it doesn't mean that he will continue to treat her bad in the future. People can change. Some people do bad/wrong deeds, not because they are bad, but because they don't know better.
As mentioned earlier, my bosses taught me to not tell my clients what they should do if they ask for my advice. They taught me to be neutral if my clients would ask me for advice. Because if I told them what they should do, and my advise was bad, I would mislead them. And then I would get bad karma. Also, by giving my clients any advice, I would make them dependent on me for help/assistance. It seems that the greatest service one can do for someone is to help them to help themselves. It seems that people can only thrive if they take responsibility for their lives and make decisions on their own. The more decisions peoeple make, the better they become at making decisions. Decision-making is a skill, just like anything. The more you practice a skill, the better you get at it. As a saying goes, "Practice makes perfect." Paradoxically, the more we help someone, the more help they need. For example, if the parents of a man or woman, always help him or her when he or she needs to change the tires of his or her car, then he or she will never learn how to change the tires of his or her car. But if the parents of a man or woman and no one else for that matter, never help him or her to change his or her tires, then he or she will be forced to always change his or her tires on her own. And sooner or later, he or she will become very good at it.
Since I am reluctant to give advice to others regarding relationships and other issues in life, I can not give you any advice. It's called "add vice" for a reason. But I can tell you what I personally do in regard to making important decisions. When I have to make a very important decision I like to do a cost-benefit analysis. I haven't done a cost-benefit analysis every time I have made important decisions the last few years. But I have done it several times in the last few years. From my experience, a cost-benefit analysis is very useful/helpful if one wants to make important decisions in life.
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I could think of letting an elderly parent move into my home if it was big enough, because I think it is the responsibility of their children to take care of them in old days if they need. It was better in the past low density communities where there were often multiple smaller buildings nearby each other.
But there is no reason to move in a healthy parent in your house even if they could live nearby. I have read of older Semitic tradition and they did not, at least not always, live whole families in one and the same building.
Be well
Amenuel -
every individual have different circumstances of life.
as far i concern, i cannot live without my mom. whatsoever reason, she is nearly 72 and last year she got cancer , with the grace of God she is allright now, its five years i havt saw her. due to my stay in uk.
but when i look back i was nine months when my father died and she raised me and do everything for making my life good.like support in education, and other stuff even she know , life is uncertain, now its time to payback, she did not even ask a penny in return,
i remember when i came home , she used to cook a fresh "roti" chappati for me, she saved my fav parts of chicken and meat, she care about my things , even when i was bank officer she always come in my room to awake me if i get late,
and when i get tensed due to something she ask me and she get tense to see me tense, when i achieved something like grades and awards she was the first person who i see happy on my achievements,
is there is any alternate . i dnt think so, i really want to live with her as soon as i finish my works and stuff.
and moreover God also told us to take care of parents when they approach the old age . and dnt even say a slightiest word of anger "uff" to them.
but again its the duty of son to make their mother happy, its did not apply to daughter in law, if she want to do it its better but if she refuse its her own choice, and nothing to be worry she is not doing anything wrong. she have own life and desires . but for her its her responsibilty to look after her own parents when they get old , incase if they dnt have anybody else to support,
and these things arre like cycle if you do good it will return to you as good.
.
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That is not entirely correct, Imran. A daughter-in-law or son-in-law are like the real sons or daughters of their mother- and father-in-law. This is because when man and woman cleave together and are as one body and this means he is her and she is him, and that practically means his parents are her parents and her parents are his parents.
The relationship with God works the same, i.e. you should be in God and God in you, since everything goes down to Oneness ultimately.
Be well
Amenuel -
yeh ammaneul i beleive same,
but imposing on them the burden of your parents is something which every women never understand. most of the women and husbands never accept this issue thats y disputes happens in the family, otherwise if we think positive things will be more favorable for both of the parties.
peace
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Peace Comrox,
Personally, I can't imagine living with my parents in law or my parents the first 10-20 years of my marriage (if I get married in the future). I don't know if it's a good idea to let ones parents live in the homes for the elderly when they get old. When someone is a child, he or she is weak and needs help from his or her parents. Thus, the parents of the child helps their child. When parents of the child get old, they become weak and need help from their son or daughter. Thus, the son or daughter helps his or her parents. The children gets help from his or her parents when he or she is a child and is weak. And the son or daughter gets help from his or her parents when they become old and are weak. This seems to be a natural cycle. Therefore, it might be a good idea to live with or close to ones parents in law or ones parents when they get old.
I agree. My parents, while getting older, are still very healthy right now, and I see the way they behave with my paternal grandmother and maternal grandparents, who are still alive. My father visits his mother almost every day of the week (or at least multiple times a week), and we have another family member who cares for her (getting groceries, washing dishes, doing laundry) a few days a week. They're trying to keep her in her own place as long as possible. My mother is also helping her parents set up doctor appointments and pay for medical bills. So as my partner's parents get older, and mine as well, I have no problem taking care of them and supporting them in whatever way possible. Until that point though, I don't think I want to live with anyone who is physically, emotionally, and financially capable of caring for themselves.
Personally, I am reluctant to give advice to others regarding relationships and other issues in life. Thus, I don't not want tell you if it is right or wrong to live with the parents of your partner. The reason why I am reluctant to give advice to others regarding relationships and other issues in life, is because of a very important lesson I learned in one of my past jobs. In that job, my bosses taught me to not tell my clients what they should do if they ask for my advice. They taught me to be neutral if my clients would ask me for advice. Because if I told them what they should do, and my advise was bad, then I would mislead them. And if I misleaded them due to my advice, then I would get bad karma. For example, if one of my female clients told me that her husband have treated her very bad the last few days, and that she is considers to leave him, and asked me what she should do, then I wouldn't tell her what she should do. I wouldn't tell her to leave her husband or stay with. Instead, I would ask her the following question What do you think is the right thing to do? And then I would tell her that she needs to find out what she must do on her own. If I told one of my female clients that she should leave/divorce her husband, then I might have done a grave mistake. Because even though her husband has treated her bad a few days, it doesn't mean that he will continue to treat her bad in the future. People can change. Some people do bad/wrong deeds, not because they are bad, but because they don't know better.
I understand where you're coming from. A large part of personal growth, I feel, is knowing what you need to do, that's best for yourself as an individual, and making the decisions to carry it out. Even if it turns out to be the wrong decision, at least I'll know that there will be no one else to blame and I sincerely did at one point think I was doing what was best for me.
As mentioned earlier, my bosses taught me to not tell my clients what they should do if they ask for my advice. They taught me to be neutral if my clients would ask me for advice. Because if I told them what they should do, and my advise was bad, I would mislead them. And then I would get bad karma. Also, by giving my clients any advice, I would make them dependent on me for help/assistance. It seems that the greatest service one can do for someone is to help them to help themselves. It seems that people can only thrive if they take responsibility for their lives and make decisions on their own. The more decisions peoeple make, the better they become at making decisions. Decision-making is a skill, just like anything. The more you practice a skill, the better you get at it. As a saying goes, "Practice makes perfect." Paradoxically, the more we help someone, the more help they need. For example, if the parents of a man or woman, always help him or her when he or she needs to change the tires of his or her car, then he or she will never learn how to change the tires of his or her car. But if the parents of a man or woman and no one else for that matter, never help him or her to change his or her tires, then he or she will be forced to always change his or her tires on her own. And sooner or later, he or she will become very good at it.
I agree. Growing up I've seen this constant "I'll help you" behavior in my parents. It never helped my brother and I - it only made us less able to deal with (common) issues and situations in life.
I'm actually wondering now if I would see reversed roles with my partner's parents - I wouldn't want them to be too dependent on us when they are still capable of being independent. That's why I'm glad right now that my partner and his parents have been facing a separation for the last few weeks. I feel that it's healthy for them both to have a healthy distance sometimes, but maybe that's just my less family-oriented culture speaking. -\
Since I am reluctant to give advice to others regarding relationships and other issues in life, I can not give you any advice. It's called "add vice" for a reason. But I can tell you what I personally do in regard to making important decisions. When I have to make a very important decision I like to do a cost-benefit analysis. I haven't done a cost-benefit analysis every time I have made important decisions the last few years. But I have done it several times in the last few years. From my experience, a cost-benefit analysis is very useful/helpful if one wants to make important decisions in life.
A cost-benefit analysis is a good idea. I'll get that started. Thanks.
I could think of letting an elderly parent move into my home if it was big enough, because I think it is the responsibility of their children to take care of them in old days if they need. It was better in the past low density communities where there were often multiple smaller buildings nearby each other.
But there is no reason to move in a healthy parent in your house even if they could live nearby. I have read of older Semitic tradition and they did not, at least not always, live whole families in one and the same building.
Be well
AmenuelI agree. I'm thinking now that I would be okay with them having a place nearby while they are still physically capable, and in the meantime build a small (but still large enough to be comfortable and have all the necessities) separate building on our own property (of course we would need to have a property large enough for this to be done). His parents can move in there when they need assisted care, so my partner can have them close and cared for, and I can still maintain the physical space I need. I'm hoping that my partner can agree to this once I talk to him about this idea.
That is not entirely correct, Imran. A daughter-in-law or son-in-law are like the real sons or daughters of their mother- and father-in-law. This is because when man and woman cleave together and are as one body and this means he is her and she is him, and that practically means his parents are her parents and her parents are his parents.
The relationship with God works the same, i.e. you should be in God and God in you, since everything goes down to Oneness ultimately.
Be well
AmenuelI feel like this "merging" should be accomplished between partners, but I'm not sure how easily parents (or even spouses) can accept this idea.
yeh ammaneul i beleive same,
but imposing on them the burden of your parents is something which every women never understand. most of the women and husbands never accept this issue thats y disputes happens in the family, otherwise if we think positive things will be more favorable for both of the parties.
peace
I actually read a study on this 2 days ago - Men and women perceive in-laws differently.
"Close in-law ties between a husband and his wife's parents are reinforcing to women and connect him to her," she said. "When a husband gets close to his wife's parents, this says to her 'Your family is important to me because I care about you. I want to feel closer to them because it makes me feel closer to you.' And of course, that makes us as women feel really good."
Being a daughter-in-law can be much trickier. On one hand, a woman may be more likely to form a bond with a man's parents when she wants to change something about him or get him to agree with her about an aspect of child-rearing -- essentially, trying to get his parents on her "side." This closeness can result in a unified front against the husband and, as you might imagine, is apt to infuriate him.
Yet a tight relationship with the in-laws can also backfire for many women Closeness may give a mother-in-law a greater sense of access and ability to cross boundaries and meddle, which can seem threatening, particularly if a woman feels that her in-laws are interfering with her identity as a wife and mother.
Orbuch says that in her long-term study, she found in-law ties to be very stressful for women.
"If women are close to their in-laws, especially early in marriage, this interferes with or prevents them from forming a unified and strong bond with their husband," she said. "Also, since women are constantly analyzing and trying to improve their relationships, they often take what their in-laws say as personal and can't set the clear boundaries."Source http//www.cnn.com/2012/12/13/health/kerner-inlaws/
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Anyway, my partner (Pakistani background, if that helps) and I (white American girl) had a long discussion tonight. He expressed that if his parents like me and accept me well enough, that they're most likely going to want to move in with us. In his mind, my partner is prepared to have us all live together (myself, him, and his parents) and sort out our issues and disagreements and live together in eventual harmony like one big happy family.
As far as I can see, at this point, it's a none issue. From the above, it seems that his parents don't know about you, or at least, haven't formally met you. If they didn't like you/ what they felt you represent as someone of a different culture, would your partner still marry you or, would his parents even want to move in with you.
There are many possibilities at this stage.
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Tradition? In 2016? Thank you for this info, I 'll be careful not to let a Pakistani or South Asian woman steal my heart in any event.
I can't imagine living with my parent or parent in law after marriage. I d prefer not to even live in the same town with them. However nice they may be, I just can't be my full self around elders. One of the joy in marriage is that you leave your parents, raise your home where you are your own boss and have your partner fully to yourself. Having a parent living with you would take away the this.
Well, we have a duty to our parents.
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As far as I can see, at this point, it's a none issue. From the above, it seems that his parents don't know about you, or at least, haven't formally met you. If they didn't like you/ what they felt you represent as someone of a different culture, would your partner still marry you or, would his parents even want to move in with you.
There are many possibilities at this stage.
Correct that his parents haven't formally met me. We both believe that they have some sort of idea of what's happening, though, and he's started to approach the topic with them.
If they rejected me, my partner would still marry me, but no, I doubt they would want to move in with us.
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Well, we have a duty to our parents.
exactly and this duty assigned to us by our creator. so tradition or 2016 doesnt matter ,
even in 3016 the message will be same, take care of your parents.
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exactly and this duty assigned to us by our creator. so tradition or 2016 doesnt matter ,
even in 3016 the message will be same, take care of your parents.
It's a very broad command to "take care of _____." That could mean anything. For some people, it could mean personally housing parents in their old age. For others, it could mean visiting them weekly in a nursing home. And for another group of people, it could mean sending a check and a Mother/Father's Day card once a year.
Times are changing. People live longer now. But there's still a cost to be paid. I see a decline in the quality of life, for all those involved. I do personally believe that children should take care of their parents in an older age, but they still need help and psychological care for themselves. It's a never-ending cycle. As people get harder to care for, and matters get more complicated, primary caregivers suffer. We should care for our parents, but we need not neglect ourselves or our needs entirely in the process.
It's a complicated situation, especially if all those involved have different views and ways of going about one's care.
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Peace,
If anyone feels that the care (food, shelter, love, clothing, support etc) they received as children is NOT also owed to their parents then that is a violation of God's injunctions.
Throwing parents into old age homes and care centres (very popular here in western culture) does not come under "kindness" and certainly not "do good to parents". This comes under neglect and irresponsibility.
Selfishness knows no happiness. If you think you wont have any relationship problems if you do away with parents you are fantasizing the impossible. Problems and conflicts are inevitable in human interactions and will come with or without parents and irrespective of culture.
I dont know much about the specific details in this case but if the parents are independent and wish to live separately then it should be fine. But if the parents are their son's dependents (and they will be at some point in time - "old age" then they have to be taken in and cared for regardless of what their character is like. It is quite a serious matter to the point where God has forbidden us to show even mere signs of frustration and annoyance to aged parents. Anyone who has studied and read the Quran knows these injunctions.
Sorry if I am blunt but there it is.
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It's a very broad command to "take care of _____." That could mean anything. For some people, it could mean personally housing parents in their old age. For others, it could mean visiting them weekly in a nursing home. And for another group of people, it could mean sending a check and a Mother/Father's Day card once a year.
no, taking care means , look after them , respect them, never say slightiest gesture of anger "uff" to them. if they get old help them doing their works like they help us when we are unable to wash ourself , 5560 Is there any reward for goodness except goodness?
what you are reffering by taking care is selfisness, if parents do the same , i mean when u born they give it to you in the hands of orphan house, or send you check after every one year, and never paly with you, never teach you anything, never look after you, never protect you from bad people, how you feel when you get young,
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"If women are close to their in-laws, especially early in marriage, this interferes with or prevents them from forming a unified and strong bond with their husband," she said. "Also, since women are constantly analyzing and trying to improve their relationships, they often take what their in-laws say as personal and can't set the clear boundaries."
It is important for the husband to remember another part of Genesis, i.e. to "break away" from the parents and cleave unto their wife. It implies that they exit the close community with the parents to another community with the wife. His wife is then the focal point and there should be no distraction. The man and the woman should then merge and see their spouse as their second half which means she is him and he is her, and this bond makes it easier to pass the life test when they complement each other's bodies' weaknesses because they learn to live in the other body. That is at least how it is supposed to be, but in some cases the man thinks to be above the woman and then it does not work as intended. Together with the spouse they lead things in their family and should practice on this and then if parents neglect this it can put stress to the relationship and they do not become independent which is important too. Instead of the parents telling them what to do, both should tell themselves and potential offspring what to do, they are the parents now. And if elderly parents enter their home because they need to be cared for then they are not above the parents in the home and the parents control the home still, because their children did separate from them to form a union with a foreign man or woman which woman took their mother's role and the man taking their father's role, meaning the elderly retired parents need to remember their retired role and that their time of fathering or mothering their children is over. If the elderly parents need aid their children kind of owe them to be treated like children that needs to be cared for. If the retired parents can remember this there will not be much interference.
Marriage is a good training for the unity of God.
Be well
Amenuel