Girlfriends parents say I am not a "real" Muslim
-
Sal?mun ?Alaykum
I am dealing with something very difficult and could use some advice.I am a white man living in the US who was raised Catholic. I always had a problem with this religion and it never felt right for me; because of this I was never very religious. Two and a half year ago I met the most wonderful woman we have been dating ever since. Not that it should matter but at 27 years old, she is 15 years younger than me. When we met she was attending engineering graduate school on a student Visa from Malaysia. She is a Sunni Muslim.
Shortly after we began dating I wanted to understand her culture more so I decided to read the Quran. I was not on any kind of spiritual journey, I just wanted to understand this religion that very few christians knew anything about. I went on to Amazon.com and looked for the Quran and found so many versions. I settled on "QURAN A REFORMIST TRANSLATION". I am so happy I did.
As I began to read this book I was struck by its message. I truly felt that god was speaking to me in these words. It felt like the same god that I became acquainted with so many years prior in Catholic school when I was studying the Old Testament. This was the beginning of my spiritual journey. I began studying other Quran only type books and blogs and began to believe in what I was reading. I submitted myself to one god only and have been happily following the Quran ever since. I am not perfect by any means and I am sure that I will have much to answer for someday but this was two years ago and today I consider myself Muslim.
The problem I am having is with the parents of my girlfriend. They live in Malaysia and are very devout Sunni Muslims. She chose to keep me a secret from her parents this entire time. Her mother came to the US for a 2 month trip 3 weeks ago. My girlfriend decided to tell mom about me and about our desire to Marry and mom became very upset...almost psychotic, screaming and throwing things. I did not expect mom to react so unreasonably. She refused to meet me and forbade my girlfriend to see me which my girlfriend is complying with.
Her father (who is still in Malaysia) got word of me and sent a message that he wanted to speak with me. We spoke last week on the phone. I told him that I love his daughter and want to marry her. I told him that I want his blessing and his wife's blessing. I told him I would come to Malaysia to meet him in person. The conversation went very well. I can tell he likes me and I think there is hope but he asked me one question that makes me worried. He asked if I was Muslim and I said yes I am. Then he began to talk about Islam but I was very unfamiliar with what he was talking about because the religion he practices appears to be Hadith based not Quran based. I am doubtful that this devout man has even ever read the Quran. Our call ended very pleasant though.
Later I spoke with my girlfriend who told me she had spoken to her father and he really likes me and wants to meet me. His only concern is that before we can marry I would need to convert to Islam because I am not a real Muslim. I suppose for the sake of getting the approval to marry the woman I love I could Fake convert to Sunni. I do not want to because it seems so wrong. I mean I am Muslim, I just don't believe the same thing that they believe. If I was to fake convert, I don't even know where I would begin?
My girlfriend has watched me go from a non believer to someone that believes 100% over the last couple years. Our conversations around Islam have inspired her to rethink the beliefs that she has held all her life. She is slowly seeing the truth. For her that truth is very scary though.
If anyone has advice to offer I humbly ask for you to share it with me. I just do not know how to handle this.
Sal?m!
-
Salam,
Some things I say will not be music to your ears.
Your girlfriend, her parents, they aren't muslims, because they haven't submitted to God. They are sectarians who have set up partners with God.
To my understanding of verses in Quran, you shouldn't marry someone who hasn't submitted.In 2221, both must be believers to marry. Note how it doesn't say the polytheist should just abandon polytheism, but it says until they believe.
2221 And do not marry the female polytheists until they believe; for a
believing servant is better than a polytheist, even if she is pleasing
to you. And do not give in marriage to the male polytheists until
they believe; for a believing servant is better than a polytheist,
even if he is pleasing to you. These invite to the Fire, while God is
inviting to Paradise and forgiveness by His consent. He clarifies
His revelations for the people that they may remember.Then in 6010 we get more information.
6010 O you who believe, if the believing females come emigrating to
you, then you shall test them. God is fully aware of their belief.
Thus, if you establish that they are believers, then you shall not
return them to the rejecters. They are no longer permissible for
one another. And return the dowries that were paid. And there
is no sin upon you to marry them, if you have paid their dowries
to them. And do not keep disbelieving wives, and ask back what
dowries you paid. And let them ask back what dowries they had
paid. Such is the judgment of God; He judges between you. God
is Knowledgeable, Wise.Here's another verse to consider
6159 Those who have divided their system and become sects, you are
not with them in anything. Their matter will be with God, then
He will inform them of what they had done.You should tell her to submit to God and leave sectarianism.
And if she leaves her sect and submits to God, the issue with parents is still there. However, God has granted us this verse.
298 And We instructed the human being to be good to his parents.
But if they strive to make you set up partners with Me, then do
not obey them. To Me are all your destinies, and I will inform you
of what you used to do.Salam
-
Your girlfriend, her parents, they aren't muslims, because they haven't submitted to God. They are sectarians who have set up partners with God.
To my understanding of verses in Quran, you shouldn't marry someone who hasn't submitted.You are correct. I can not marry her until she submits. Two years ago she was so happy that she had introduced me to Islam. Now it is I who is introducing Islam to her. I have hope that she will embrace the truth.
As far as parents go though this is a hard one. I would never agree to Mary her no matter how much I love her if it meant breaking up the relationship she has with her parents. I am hoping to find an alternative.
Salam!
-
Be patient and pray. God answers the prayer of the supplicant.
It may be that, it is meant to be or perhaps that it is not meant to be.
Whatever occurs be patient over what befalls you.Personally I believe you are hoping for a lot of things to line up simultaneously, your girlfriend submitting to God Alone, her parents accepting you as her companion and her parents accepting you and her version of Islam.
That is a lot, but Allah is All-Able if He wills.It may be also as I was advised from others about my personal affairs that seeking to hold on to a relationship with or marrying one who has not submitted is not ideal.
I think you should have not made your intention to marry her known until she had submitted. Now you are half-comitted into a marriage with a sunni muslim.Be open and honest with your girlfriend and her parents. Are you going to fake convert for the sake of man?
Quran
16106
http//corpus.quran.com/wordbyword.jsp?chapter=16&verse=106#(161069)
Whoever disbelieves in Allah after his belief, except (one) who is forced while his heart (is) content with the faith. But (one) who opens to disbelief (his) breast, then upon them (is) a wrath of Allah and for them (is) a punishment great.No one is forcing to marry this girl or convert for the sake of her parents. Do not do it.
-
What, she's 12 years old? That does matter in most countries, it's against the law to marry kids.
He's 42
-
Sal?mun ?Alaykum
Wa alaykum salaam,
The problem I am having is with the parents of my girlfriend. They live in Malaysia and are very devout Sunni Muslims. She chose to keep me a secret from her parents this entire time. Her mother came to the US for a 2 month trip 3 weeks ago. My girlfriend decided to tell mom about me and about our desire to Marry and mom became very upset...almost psychotic, screaming and throwing things. I did not expect mom to react so unreasonably. She refused to meet me and forbade my girlfriend to see me which my girlfriend is complying with.
That last sentence right there. That is what I am most concerned with. That entire paragraph screams red flags.
First. Let me start by saying that I sincerely hope you have both discussed marriage at length, and talked through all the challenges and potential problems.
Second. Keeping you a secret from her parents is an issue, especially since it may easily come across to others that she's hiding something, she's codependent, she's ashamed of you, she's too worried about what other people will think, etc, etc. It can come across in a lot of different ways. You can probably bet on not having "the most wonderful in-laws in the world", at least not initially. Secrecy is never without reason. But if that was a deal breaker for you, I'm sure you would have left a long time ago.
Of course the secrecy also has a huge effect on you. If a person can't understand something, the parents couldn't know sooner, and the situation draws out longer... it can lead to resentment, pain, or at the least frustration. That's not easy to deal with. I hope you're looking out for yourself in all of this, and thinking about what you want from a relationship, and if your families/cultures/backgrounds/lifestyles/etc. are truly compatible. Do you want this?
Not to mention that you don't know who your girlfriend is within her family dynamic. Maybe that's for good reason, maybe it's not. Maybe it's important, maybe it's not. But the point is, you have missed, and continue to miss, a part of who she is -- where she comes from, her culture, her language, her religion, her familial traditions, her family's thoughts and expectations of you, your girlfriends' expectations of you based on the values and beliefs that she grew up on, her interactions with her family, etc. All these visual and behavioral cues can tell a lot about a person in the moment -- things they may not be able to just tell you. Another's words cannot do justice to first-hand experiences.
Anyways.
Third. IMO, here's the main issue. Your girlfriend is 27, living in a different country with a separate life from her parents, and she'll simply obey them just like that? Did she fight that request? Was it even a request? Are you okay with this?
When you marry, and you become her family as well... What's going to happen? Is she going to stand up for you? Is she going to stand up for your relationship? Is she still going to marry you if her parents suddenly decide to change their minds and don't give their blessings? What happens then? Despite being in her late 20s and living (what sounds like) a completely separate life, she's proven with that action that she may very well do anything her parents asked of her. To me, that is a very scary thought.
Fourth. "Screaming and throwing things" is NOT a healthy way to deal with your emotions. I don't care who you are or what the situation is. This is not a stranger we're talking about here. This is your potential future mother-in-law. This is a grown woman, who resorts to raising her voice and acts of physical violence because she's upset about a decision her adult daughter has made. That behavior is dangerous and extremely frightening. It is in no way justifiable. She continues by "forbidding" your girlfriend from seeing you. What? Normal people don't do that. They don't try to control others. A relationship where one person is in emotional or physical control of another is not a relationship. It's abuse.
Is this behavior a regular occurrence? Even if you don't see her often, do you want a mother-in-law who is like this? How about being around your children (if you both want children, that is), watching them and teaching them when you come visit, or when they visit you?
Speaking for myself, based off of what you said here, I would absolutely NOT trust a violent person like that to be around my child. I would not want to see anyone I love be around a person like that either.
Then he began to talk about Islam but I was very unfamiliar with what he was talking about because the religion he practices appears to be Hadith based not Quran based. I am doubtful that this devout man has even ever read the Quran. Our call ended very pleasant though.
I'm surprised that you're not sure how to begin. Your girlfriend identifies as Sunni, you've been with her for a few years, and you've had what sounds like many conversations about Islam. How were you very unfamiliar with what he was talking about? Has your girlfriend never spoken about what she and her family practices and believes?
On if he's ever read the Qur'an... You said he's devout, so I'm sure he has. You both just interpret the book differently. If you want peace and their blessing, don't bring this up.
Later I spoke with my girlfriend who told me she had spoken to her father and he really likes me and wants to meet me. His only concern is that before we can marry I would need to convert to Islam because I am not a real Muslim. I suppose for the sake of getting the approval to marry the woman I love I could Fake convert to Sunni. I do not want to because it seems so wrong. I mean I am Muslim, I just don't believe the same thing that they believe. If I was to fake convert, I don't even know where I would begin?
To convert, you would just say the Shahada in Arabic. Since they're skeptical of you, my guess is they'll want you to do it publicly with the imam present, and they'll want you to get married ASAP. I'm sure they'll expect you to start praying 5 times a day, learn Arabic to pray and read the Qur'an or Arabic Qur'an with tafsir, go to the masjid for Friday prayer, fast during Ramadan, fulfill the husband's Islamic duties (such as guiding your wife and children in the religion)... things like that. They'll expect you to be a practicing Sunni Muslim. They may want to guide you themselves or find a teacher to help you, who knows.
Concerning religion, the way I see it, the most important aspect is how your girlfriend feels. If she's okay with you practicing and believing in Islam as you see it, and she's willing to stand up for you, then that's what matters. The only two people living your lives and spending them with each other is you and her. However, you're going to have major problems if she's not willing to stand up for you. She will need to if her parents are going to be an influential source in your lives. You both need to decide if you can do it.
Having said that, you also have to decide if you're going to "pretend" to be Sunni before the wedding, or when you're with her parents. This may be something she wants or not. It could make your lives easier, or not.