Overthinking and sadness over lost friendship

[hakeema]

Salam everyone, I hope you're all enjoying these few blessed nights. I came here to seek help, or maybe just solace. I'm sorry for this extremely long post, but I really need your help. Have I sinned and am I a bad muslim? Was I the victim or was I like the Pharaoh of Egypt?

I am an overthinker and people-pleaser, and my nature is to always put blame on myself for whatever bad thing happens in my life, because then it is "easier" to redirect my anger over me instead of others, for fear of sinning even further.

I had a very nasty friendship breakup two years ago - one of those friendships you truly believe will last forever. It was with a friend from college (4+ years) and who later became a worker colleague. She was the boss' daughter and I was not in a very good place mentally and spiritually. At work, I would always or almost always accept/perform her ideas and put up with so many little annoying things she would do that would sometimes make me waste time or just made me lose my peace of mind because I was afraid of saying no.

I let her step over me like a mat and I know that's wrong. However, it wouldn't be right to just mention the bad side - she was actually a really good person and a very mindful muslim. She was the reason I got that job in the first place, and it is also true that she was kind and generous and tried to help me as well just as much. She was like a sun in the office, you couldn't not love her - she taught me so much in terms of self-development and being mindful of Allah.

One day, however, she told me to open a file in the computer and I said no a couple of times because I believed it was not necessary. She got annoyed and stopped talking to me. I apologized straight away, and so many times that she told me to stop, and she told me in an annoyed way.
Over the weekend, things got a little better but I decided to leave the job. I was so much hurt because she disregarded my apologies and cut off talking to me like I was a piece of garbage. But how can I blame her when all my dynamic with her was pleasing her in fear that she'd get angry at me? It was my fault, right from the start.
The next week I told her I'd be leaving the job (also because another opportunity came up) and from there our relationship got very cold. At first she seemed okay with it, but then she refused talking to me and started texting me instead to ask me stuff related to work. Mind you, we were sitting next to each other, so you can imagine how angry and sad and shocked I felt in receiving texts while she could have just literally even just whispered or mumbled and I would have heard her.
So, I confronted her. I apologized again and said, am I so disgusting to you that you don't even want to utter words to me? She replied, this is my choice and you should respect it i have moved on and you should too, what do you want from me?

I couldn't handle it anymore - I felt hurt, violated, and stepped over more than I could bear. So I complained about it to our supervisor, who filled the role of HR at that time. He told me to have patience until my week of notice would end, and "to take it easy".
Word spread in the company that we had fought and when she heard I talked to the supervisor I guess she became even angrier because she wouldn't even say Salaam when entering the room when I was the only one there. Eventually, my last day came and I literally ran away like a thief that day she was absent, and I quickly said my goodbyes to those present and left without telling her anything. I was dreading that moment because I was so worried about whether I'd have the courage to tell her goodbye like a good muslim or not.

I prayed and cried to Allah so many times and developed mental health issues because of this. Not only because of the friend I lost, but because I was so completely terrified I sinned beyond repair. I don't even know if I did anything wrong, this is just my side of the story and I'm sure if you heard from this friend she would give you a valid reason why she behaved like that. Two years have passed and I can't find solace. After all, I did apologize, over and over, to the point where she clearly rejected the apology and made it clear she did not want to have anything to do with me.

I think she did not break the friendship up because of the file I did not open; I guess it was because in some way I disrespected her, but I still cannot understand how I did that. I went over our interaction so many times I started having nightmares about it, and my throat and chest start to clench whenever I think about it.
In Islam, we need to be "the bigger person" we need to forgive, apologize and try to reconcile with our brothers and sisters in Islam. That is important because you don't want anyone in the Day of Resurrection to say to Allah SWT "she wronged me! she hurt me!" Then Allah SWT would take your good deeds away, taking you away from jannah... but what if that person rejected your apology? what do you do, when they told you they "moved on" over you? Do you still try and beg them to forgive you?

I am sure I have my share of fault in this; even though I can't understand how, I am the cause of all this. And in the days after the fight, after she rejected my apologies, I might have been a little cold and rude too ... like she would direct some speech towards a colleague of mine and I would correct her without even raising my eyes. And in the last days, I left my room to get away from her and her lack of salaam. It just hurt me so much. I was paralyzed from hurting and I did not know what to do... so I guess I just ran.
A part of me tells me that the propher (ص) would want me to reach out to her and apologize one more time. To seek برائة الذمة (im sorry, idk what's it called in English... it's when you go to a person and say can you forgive me if I ever wronged you in any way? so they don't have anything against you in the afterlife). And another part of me tells me this is just shaytan pushing my buttons - my self-esteem issues and my overthinking. And that if she really wanted to forgive me, she would have accepted my second apologies.

[Fusion]

It is clear you have put a lot of thought and effort into making amends, which speaks volumes about your character. However, it's also crucial to consider that sometimes, despite our best intentions, our actions might not always align with what others need or want from us. Your friend's response could be her way of seeking space to process her feelings or the situation.

Reflecting on our own actions and their impact on others is a valuable process. While you've sought forgiveness, which is commendable, it's equally important to respect her wishes for space. This doesn't necessarily place fault on you or her; it's a recognition of the complex nature of human relationships.

Obsessing over past conflicts is harmful to your mental and emotional health. Learn from this experience, but don't let it define you.

My advice, consider this a learning experience. Reflect on what happened, take lessons from it, and use it to grow and never look back...

Cheers

[good_logic]

Peace hakeema.
Welcome.
I am going to pick up a good and important point from your letter first that will serve as a basis from which you will be able to solve most problems including relationship ones.

What is a Muslim? Once this is clear ,then one can either be Muslim to GOD or a non Muslim to GOD. This is a state of mind and a covenant that means wanting a relationship with GOD and follow His commands and instructions as best one can.

As humans ,we can be sometimes good and sometimes bad humans according to how we do things in making our choices and decisions.

GOD s message contains all the details of this wonderful journey of submission to GOD Alone, along with GOD s trial of our convictions and intentions. This will be your key to solving many of life s problems

In His message to us-Qoran- GOD makes some useful and very helpful promises to us that He is near , He will answer all our cries for help and helps us navigate through the difficulties of life and its complications including our relationships.
His message if followed with a sincere and good heart, will strengthen our relationship with the creator that will serve as a strong hold for us in our times of need.

Sister, seek GOD Alone and His message and may the lord help you find your good self and solve your problems.
GOD bless you.
Peace