Need parenting advice: Dealing with rebellious preteen girl
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Salam all
I'd really appreciate some parenting advice. My husband and I are liberal Muslims. I'm Progressive, he's Sunni (officially) but we're pretty much on the same page. We aren't strict or zealous or too conservative. From the outside, we look like any typical American family.
We have a 12 year old daughter. She's 12, going on 18. She's all American, which isn't entirely a good thing. Although she goes to a good school, and is in the highest ranking class, she's friends with the shadier girls. We've found notes passed to/from her with sexual references, cursing, etc. I know she's been to porn sites when online.
Today, we found out she stole money from a relative's purse.
So far, typical American preteen. Thank God, she has not experimented with drugs, alcohol, cigarettes or sex. We drop her off to school in the morning and pick her up in the afternoon. We don't allow her to go to friends' houses nor parties. This summer we had to ban her from using the phone (with her friends) because we found out she was talking to boys when we weren't home.
What do we do? We don't want her to end up like a teenage loser, unwanted, knocked-up and high. I don't want to push religion down her throat, because there's a good chance that will backfire. (Like I said, we don't live strict religious lives.) My husband has always wanted her to wear hijab (I didn't care either way; I don't wear one anymore) but I know now it's out of the question She'd never keep it on, or if she did, she'd take it off when we weren't around.
We've talked with her, lectured her, left her alone... nothing seems to work. We've never hit her or punished her harshly. Frankly, we don't know what kind of punishment to dole out. We've already banned the telephone. We've banned the internet for weeks at a time (She'd get better, then back to her old ways)
We've thought of counseling, but we're not sure if that'd work, because of the Muslim aspect. A Western counselor might frown upon hearing we want her to be a "good Muslim girl" In the West, Muslim girls are seen as oppressed. I don't want to be sitting in a counselor's office, defending myself and explaining Progressive Islam. Also, a Western counselor might say something like "let her be and learn from her own mistakes" I refuse to let her spiral downwards.
I don't think counseling from an Imam would help either. I'd want her to develop a conscience not because of religious pressure, but because of self-imposition.
I'd really appreciate any advice.
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Hi there Raindrop,
I was pretty "rowdy" myself as a teenager. My friends and I would hang out all day and all night long, but I never did drugs, alcohol or anything like that. I just wanted to stay away from my folks simply because I couldn't stand them or more precisely because I was in that "phase" of wanting to be different...I guess.
The one thing that my parents disliked about me when I was a teenager was the fact that I would spend money without giving a care abou it...I used to work and evey Friday when I got my paycheck, I'd spend every penny by Monday. Rarely did I help my parents with any house/outside work and my grades were just terrible because I never did any homework.
My parents say I've changed a lot in the past few years (especially since I started college)...what changed me was that my best friend's parents were also distrubed by their child's behavior and one day in a car accident they both passed away and just that second my friend lost everything. My friends parents did not have a whole lot of money to leave behind, neither did my friend have any siblings to rely on...they lived in an apartment (rented) and when mom and dad died, my friend was on the streets.
The last time I met him I could read the pain on his face...pain that came from not having all the luxuries of life, not having parents to buy the best food, clothes, pay cell phone bills, car insurance, etc...but when I asked him what was bothering him so much, he said the night before the accident his parents were very upset with him and said they wished they were dead so that they wouldn't have to worry about him.
That put me on the right track. I could never do anything to lose my parents, so I changed (I guess)...
Long story short, no matter how rowdy your teen is, chances are they love their mom and dad and would hate to cause any problem to them. Tell her that this kind of behavior is effecting your health, you can't focus on other things properly. True/not, but my mum used to tell me she's going to have a heart attack if I continue to spend money like that and I sure did'nt want her to have one...so I stopped spending. One day she said she was so worried about me while driving that she almost got in a car accident and that was it...I stopped.
Emotions always appeal especially from parents --> Children wink
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Peace Raindrop,
Here is some friendly advice from the late Khalil Gibran
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
In my humble opinion, you're sheltering her way too much.
We don't allow her to go to friends' houses nor parties. This summer we had to ban her from using the phone (with her friends) because we found out she was talking to boys when we weren't home.
You cannot suspend the growth of a soul by caging the body. You daughter is probably already sneaking around, finding ways to avoid your wrath while she does her own thing. The harder you push, the more resistence you'll get, and you might just push her into the arms of drugs and sex.
My advice, communication, communication, communication.
Explain the do's and don'ts. Use logic, reason, and compassion. She will comprehend. Also, let the reigns loose a bit. Let her talk to boys and even bring them home to hang out while being supervised. Let her go to her friends' houses, but only after you get to know the parents, etc.Having grown up with female friends whose parents were similar to what you've described, I can tell you that no amount of precaution and snooping around will prevent kids from being kids.
May peace be upon you,
Tay -
Peace Raindrop,
as Tay said, communication is the key, and I would add 'reinforcing her self steem', show your admiration for her, show her that you value her personality, achievement, character, responsability.
Key sentences as examples, you can start the discussions saying to her-I don't have all the information about what you are about, I just can say to you my opinion with the information I have..
-my worry is...
-(simply) I am worried...
-what do you think about....?
-I trust in your responsability...
-I know you have a well equiped brain and that you will choose the right option...Also, outside the discussions you can inform her during a light chat something related to your chilhood, the fights you had with your parents. The idea is to be together, in the same level, making her clear she is as important as you and her father, you and him know more because you both are older than her and have accumulate more experience, but inside you all are the same, growing together and learnig from each other. Ask her for help to comprehend her things. Be with her, not in front of her. Punishments never work, I even think they provoke the opposite effect.
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Salaam Raindrop,
Have you considered home schooling? Taking her out of her school circle/environment is very crucial I think, but where to, and how. I am sure you will have a better answer than me.
Have you considered traveling to the Middle East or to any place you think would be safer and much less rebellious?
We've thought of counseling, but we're not sure if that'd work, because of the Muslim aspect. A Western counselor might frown upon hearing we want her to be a "good Muslim girl" In the West, Muslim girls are seen as oppressed. I don't want to be sitting in a counselor's office, defending myself and explaining Progressive Islam. Also, a Western counselor might say something like "let her be and learn from her own mistakes" I refuse to let her spiral downwards
Tell them that you want your girl to be a good, responsible girl, not a good Muslim! Don't bring Islam up to the counselers's attention. To be a good person comes way before being a good Muslim. This is about values which are not exclusive to Islam.
Taj
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Peace,
Have you considered home schooling? Taking her out of her school circle/environment is very crucial I think, but where to, and how. I am sure you will have a better answer than me.
I agree with Taj; schools in the US are nothing but make-out places. When I was in high school all I saw were boys and girls in lewd acts...high school does more harm than good.
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Salam again everyone and ramadhan kareem
(I see this parenting board hasn't moved too much since I was last here nearly a year ago)
Well, at the beginning of 2005, we sent our 2 oldest daughters to spend some time with my husband's family in the Middle East. There, they learned Arabic, ate with relatives and saw a completely different way of life. My oldest daughter told me she had a new perspective on things and she was now grateful for what her parents have provided.
We were so pleased. When we brought her back this summer, she didn't want to come back! She wanted to stay! But we thought it would be better if she come back home to live with us and go to American school, etc.
She seemed so much different Didn't fight with her sisters, was obedient to my husband and me, came home and did her homework... all was going well. My husband and I had had qualms about her being in the Middle East for so long, but when she changed so much, we felt it was worth all the trouble.
Until last month. My daughter let a note slip out of her pocket. The note was one she had sent back and forth to a boy, telling him how hot she thought some other boy was. And it was full of curse words and sexual implications. We confronted her about this (no yelling) and she promised not to do it again. I reminded her that we don't check her bookbags, don't sneak behind her to see what she'd been doing on the internet, we basically give her all our trust.
Well, after that note, I decided to finally hack into her e-mail. I didn't want to resort to that but I felt I had no choice. I found out she's been flirting with every boy in class. What's worse, is that her friends don't flirt nearly as much as she does. And she's the "muslim" one!
She's also back to her old ways of lying. She asked me if she could stay after school next week to study. I called the school and found out they're having a Halloween dance that day. Nice, huh?
I asked my (non-muslim) sister for advice, and she said to just let her be and hope everything falls into place. How can I give my daughter my trust when all she does is abuse it?
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Peace be upon you,
The God says to be mindful of the wombs.
Our culture moulds and shapes us, everything we see and hear effects us.
The environment that she is back in does not frown upon her activity, so you have to GENTLY stay on her about the cause and effect of life.
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SaLaM raindrop
Plz dont take this any advice. Im just sharing with you how i was brought up and thaught manners. It worked, atleast with my family it did. When i was a kid, i lied to my mom about stuff and she caught my lies. She told me not to lie to her ever again, an advice im glad i didnt take. So i lie to her again, she finds out its a lie, and what does she do?? Takes a match stick, burns it and put it on my tounge. I have a stutter becoz of that, but the bright side of things are, i never lied to her again (except smoking, which im sure she knows about).
Another insident where i experienced 'tough love' was when i was a kid and i kept trying to put my finger in a bowl of boiling water. At first, she kept pushing it aside. Finally she let me! I think i only once screamed louder in pain after that. Bright side of things, i learnt NOT to put my finger in a bowl of boiling water lol
But if i was in your situation, this is what i would do. I would take my daughter and drop her off at the shelter and say "come home when you decide to live decently" x
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Hi raindrop,
i think such attitude comes when one takes things for granted, takes parents for granted!
how about implementing 'no free lunch' policy. let her earn her everyday needs(such as food, shelter, clothing, play time etc) by living to ur rules(good grades, chores at home,etc the idea being to make her sweat for what she gets) every single day. let her learn to value and appreciate what she is blessed with.
all this will lead to understanding and respect of values and also keep her focussed, occupied on life instead of trivial pursuits.
like they say,an Empty mind is the devil's workshopso, keep her occupied with real life until she realises and learns the core values, and acts wise enough, to make the most of her life on her own.
for now, if she is incapable, u take over. -
Salaam
Unfortunately the kind of society we live in teaches girls the most important thing in their life is boys. The lifestyle you want your daughter to adopt is not shown in the general media - even in the middleast.
So you have to do the hard work and present your lifestyle to your kids in an appealling way to them. The need to see (not hear) the benefits clearly otherwise you just end up sounding fake.
You need to think about your relationship with your husband. What does your daughter think of that. Is that something she would want for herself?
If you don't want your daughter to have boyfriends then what alternative are you offering. How will she find her partner?
What does your daughter think of you? about how you live, and the choices you've made.
In the end whatever your daughter does you have to continue with your unconditional love for her because that is something people outisde won't give her and she'll come back to you for that even in her fourties. Don't underestimate the power of a mother's love.
peace.