I'm I going on the wrong path?
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Most of u have been sayin' that its too early for me to get married at dis age but what i think is its better to get married rather than wait for da right age n keep increasin' my 'sin count' (i.e. by talkin, meetin n so on)
Well, I'm originally an Indian but was born n spent a lot more than half of my life in Saudi Arabia n brother TAJ i'm aware of those rules which r followed there but as far as I think just liking/loving some1 shudnt b considered as somethin' wrong unless n untill u do wrong or u think wrong. If the guy makes a girl date around with him n asks her to go on the wrong path then in that case the parents shudn't agree with he girl's choice..... even yhe parents ought b understandin' n they simply can't reject a guy just cuz he made their daughter fall in love with him, it cant b his fault cuz the decision of liking the guy n acceptin' him entirely depends on the girl!
In every relationship its the trust n mutual understandin' between two people that counts more n OF ALL THE TRUST ON ALLAH to carry out a successful relationship!
I've been listening since years that "love marriages are never successful" but I completely disagree with it 'cuz in the case of hurtin' parents n gettin' married the marriages rnt successful but in my case I want my parents to happily agree with my choice. I've known this guy since i was 15 n I know what type of a person he is n hope even my parents agree with my choice...I seriously don't prefer dating thats why i wanna get married early...
1 more favour from you people.... include me in ur prayers!thankin' you all!
simple girl! -
hi Simple girl,
Most of u have been sayin' that its too early for me to get married at dis age but what i think is its better to get married rather than wait for da right age n keep increasin' my 'sin count' (i.e. by talkin, meetin n so on)
) Sin count! thats real funny. A good term.
Anyways, Good luck girl ! U have made ur decissions.
May Allah give u the strength and courage and also guide u! -
Peace Simple Girl,
Well, I'm originally an Indian but was born n spent a lot more than half of my life in Saudi Arabia n brother TAJ i'm aware of those rules which r followed there but as far as I think just liking/loving some1 shudnt b considered as somethin' wrong unless n untill u do wrong or u think wrong. If the guy makes a girl date around with him n asks her to go on the wrong path then in that case the parents shudn't agree with he girl's
I've been listening since years that "love marriages are never successful" but I completely disagree with it 'cuz in the case of hurtin' parents n gettin' married the marriages rnt successful but in my case I want my parents to happily agree with my choice. I've known this guy since i was 15 n I know what type of a person he is n hope even my parents agree with my choice...You say you love the guy, but how well do you know him!? 4 years even 10 years are not enough, simply because you have not lived with him. You now only know part of him, the part that he cares so much to polish for you. Only until you are married that you will come to know him well, well enough to see him worth of your love or not.
Marry him but give yourself time 2-3 years to know him before you decide to have children. -
Hi sis Taj,
Ofcourse, one can know a person completely when u live with him. But thats not an ideal realistic, suggestion to consider before marriage. So, the only other way would be to get to know him( if they are in love or otherwise) before marriage, for a considerable period( and 4 ys is long enough) with ''Eyes wide open''.
In her case, I suppose, she can wait around before she has children. I say this only becoz she is young and not becoz I think, she should work on getting to know him first for 2-3 yrs and gauge him , after marriage. That part doesnt make much sense to me. I dont think one should enter matrimony with doubts, but with a sense of reality. And as for getting to know the other person after marriage, it will happen naturally.
In an arranged marriage, it makes sense to first get to know each other after marriage so that they understand each other and get comfortable with each other (coz the other person is an absolute stranger) -
Hi PM, how are you?
So, the only other way would be to get to know him( if they are in love or otherwise) before marriage, for a considerable period( and 4 ys is long enough) with ''Eyes wide open''
''Eyes wide open''! How could that be before marriage!?In her case, I suppose, she can wait around before she has children. I say this only becoz she is young and not becoz I think, she should work on getting to know him first for 2-3 yrs and gauge him , after marriage.
What if she was old, would it then be wise to have children right away!? Before getting to know the "stranger" husband!?
Also it is a lot easier to leave the marriage, after realizing that it was a mistake, when there are no children in the middle.I did not say that she should take advantage of him then get rid if him!! No woman would enter a marriage thinking this way.
In an arranged marriage, it makes sense to first get to know each other after marriage so that they understand each other and get comfortable with each other (coz the other person is an absolute stranger)
Not just in arranged marriages. Even in cases as this one "love before marriage". I don't think that Simple Girl knows the guy as a wife would know her husband. She thinks she knows him well but that is not possible. The two will always be strangers to each other until they are married, then they would really know each other really well. Six month into the marriage is a good period of time but 2-3 years is better just to be 100% sure.
My advice to Simple Girls is to first focus on her education in order to get a degree that would secure her financial indepence, after that get married then wait before making children, for the sake of the children.PM are you a she or a he?
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Not just in arranged marriages. Even in cases as this one "love before marriage".
But it is best to LOVE and lost than never to LOVE at all wink
Regards,
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Hi Sis Taj,
Hi PM, how are you?
Am good. Thank u.
''Eyes wide open''! How could that be before marriage!?
Its possible to generally get to know a person without living with the person. 'eyes wide open' is seeing all things about a person as they truly are, in a calm, realistic manner. Usually, people tend to get excited by the feelinngs involved and get carried away to a fantasy world, that they very often turn a blind eye to reality, sense, reasoning, wisdom, knowledge etc, while getting to know the person.
What if she was old, would it then be wise to have children right away!? Before getting to know the "stranger" husband!?
Also it is a lot easier to leave the marriage, after realizing that it was a mistake, when there are no children in the middle.Well, if u get to know the partner well enough already in person, he wont be a stranger, will he?
Thats why its better one doesnt enter a marriage, without getting to know the other person well enough. Children or no chidren , marriage by itself is important. Its companionship for life.
So, its better one considers and thinks over before entering the matrimony. There is no point entering the marriage blindly and getting out of it after discovering u dont like the person.I did not say that she should take advantage of him then get rid if him!! No woman would enter a marriage thinking this way.
I did not say that u meant that either. sorry if i wasnt clear.
Not just in arranged marriages. Even in cases as this one "love before marriage". I don't think that Simple Girl knows the guy as a wife would know her husband. She thinks she knows him well but that is not possible. The two will always be strangers to each other until they are married, then they would really know each other really well. Six month into the marriage is a good period of time but 2-3 years is better just to be 100% sure.
Well, no one exacly, outside a marriage can know the other partner as a 'wife would know her husband'. wink Well, kidding.
Thats not the point. U can get to know a 'person' without having to live with him. And that would depend on how open and honest u r with each other. And two people are genuinely in love, only when they love and respect their partner, after knowing them almost inside out. And thats possible without living together.My advice to Simple Girls is to first focus on her education in order to get a degree that would secure her financial indepence, after that get married then wait before making children, for the sake of the children.
I agree. I think 19 is too early for such a commitment. And its important that she is independent first.So education and career should be her first priority. that would give her self respect, self confidence in life and would back her any day when she needs it.
But she seems to have made up her mind now. So good luck to her.PM are you a she or a he?
I am a female.
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Hi Sis PM,
''Eyes wide open''! How could that be before marriage!?
Its possible to generally get to know a person without living with the person. 'eyes wide open' is seeing all things about a person as they truly are, in a calm, realistic manner.
I really don't know how could that be possible. How can you see all things when you are not with him all the time?
There is a radio program that airs weekly hosted by a divorce lawyer. It is not from SA but from a neighbouring country. You won't believe the stories that this lawyer brings up as reasons of divorce, reasons that can be found out only after marriage.What if she was old, would it then be wise to have children right away!? Before getting to know the "stranger" husband!?
Also it is a lot easier to leave the marriage, after realizing that it was a mistake, when there are no children in the middle.Well, if u get to know the partner well enough already in person, he wont be a stranger, will he?
I still believe that you cannot know a person well enough until you have lived with him or travelled with him. For me it is a general rule as it includes friendships too.
Thats why its better one doesnt enter a marriage, without getting to know the other person well enough. Children or no chidren , marriage by itself is important. Its companionship for life.
Marriage is a great companionship if the couple are compatible.
So, its better one considers and thinks over before entering the matrimony. There is no point entering the marriage blindly and getting out of it after discovering u dont like the person.
I don't see how you can escape the blind part!
U can get to know a 'person' without having to live with him. And that would depend on how open and honest u r with each other. And two people are genuinely in love, only when they love and respect their partner, after knowing them almost inside out. And thats possible without living together.
How can you know someone insideout without living with him?
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Hi Sis Taj,
I think I know where u r coming from.
Is meeting between the two genders casually, allowed in ur society?
or say conversations over phone etc.
U can know another person by spending considerable time with each other, by sharing ideas, views, dreams and all about each other.
And more the period u know each other, u would come to know more about the person, by not just what the person says but also by who he is and how he lives his life, his response,reactions etc to different aspects of life and lot more.I really don't know how could that be possible. How can you see all things when you are not with him all the time?
There is a radio program that airs weekly hosted by a divorce lawyer. It is not from SA but from a neighbouring country. You won't believe the stories that this lawyer brings up as reasons of divorce, reasons that can be found out only after marriage.What are the reasons that can be known only after marriage, that can bring about a divorce? Except the physical stuff, ofcourse. I think u can know 'the person' well enough before marriage.
Well, we also know some of our close friends well enough, dont we?, without living with them. Its about understanding another person which can evolve to love and respect.Marriage is a great companionship if the couple are compatible.
Thats exactly what one should figure out, before entering the matrimony. Compatibility is the key factor.
I still believe that you cannot know a person well enough until you have lived with him or travelled with him. For me it is a general rule as it includes friendships too.
Yeah, The partners should be bound by friendship and I dont see why that cant happen before marriage. What would stop them from getting to know each other?
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Honestly, you'll never know someone completely inside and out. Trying to do that would be trying to accomlish the impossible. Depending on the things that life throws at people, including you, people will change or bring out things never seen before (whether agreeable or detestable). I think you should look for compatability as best as you can. If you think you are compatable good. You should also look at those things that you forgive now because you haven't been with him for a long time and imagine those little annoying things, over and over and over again, or right in your face, and where you have a vested interest.
We often forgive friends for things that we don't like that they do, becuase we don't have to be with them all the time and don't feel like they represent us.
You should also take into account 'forgivness'.
No one is perfect and you will have to tell your husband things that you feel he needs to take control of, etc. etc. but most of all you will have to constantly forgive him for all those things that you will see as faults (because he is not you and doesn't do it the way you would). And he has to do the same thing.
It's amazing how the more you start to get closer to someone the more you expect them to be like you, to understand everything about you, etc., etc. Get that out of your head now. Expect your husband to think differently, to have different ideas, to not know what you are thinking all the time, to not know how to react to you all the time, etc., etc.
It takes a lot of forgiveness to have close friends and espcially to have a spouse. Practice that, without grudging. That's what makes a good marriage, looking over things, over and over again. Not dwelling on things, etc. . .
It's good to get your own thing going, but it is very important for you to be able to share and be able to depend. Remember that he has duties that he has to fulfill according to the Koran in case you guys do divorce. But if you divorce because of reason that have to do with him not caring about the Koran, try to get him to come through, but if he doesn't forget about it, that is why you look out a little for yourself so you are not screweed in the end.
Discuss the Koran and your religion. But I'm sure alot of us have ideas about religion that you don't have. Follow your path, but always make way for change.
Godbless,
ProGod -
Peace Anwar,
Honestly, you'll never know someone completely inside and out. Trying to do that would be trying to accomlish the impossible.
It is impossiblr before marriage and even after marriage one needs few years to know the other well enough to make a final judgment.
Depending on the things that life throws at people, including you, people will change or bring out things never seen before (whether agreeable or detestable).
That is also another important thing to consider. Some times, for example, spiritual growth can be a big problem if the other is not moving at the same pace.
You should also look at those things that you forgive now because you haven't been with him for a long time and imagine those little annoying things, over and over and over again, or right in your face, and where you have a vested interest.
These little annoying things if the woman accepts them at the beginning, the man will surely get worse, thinking that his wife does not mind them.
We often forgive friends for things that we don't like that they do, becuase we don't have to be with them all the time and don't feel like they represent us.
Exactly. Friends don't represent us although we will be judged for picking them still.
You should also take into account 'forgivness'.
No one is perfect and you will have to tell your husband things that you feel he needs to take control of, etc. etc. but most of all you will have to constantly forgive him for all those things that you will see as faults (because he is not you and doesn't do it the way you would). And he has to do the same thing.
Forgiveness is important but for a certain extent otherwise the wife will be a doormat, completely invisible to the man. Rarely you would see a man change his bad habits because those bad habits annoy his wife.
It's amazing how the more you start to get closer to someone the more you expect them to be like you, to understand everything about you, etc., etc. Get that out of your head now. Expect your husband to think differently, to have different ideas, to not know what you are thinking all the time, to not know how to react to you all the time, etc., etc.
We are different beings, of course. No wife would ask her husband to be her duplicate!
It takes a lot of forgiveness to have close friends and espcially to have a spouse. Practice that, without grudging. That's what makes a good marriage, looking over things, over and over again. Not dwelling on things, etc. . .
Everybody has a different limit, capacity of patience. You cannot ask a woman, for example, to be patient over a certain problem becuase you see that the problem she is complaining about is silly or trivial. Why do you expect the spouse to keep looking over things, over and over again!!!??? You are not in their shoes. Your advice here is common among "some" men. How can they know how much the woman is suffering inside? Putting up with bad company doesnot make the marriage good. You say "that is what makes a good marriage". Good marriage according to who!? And to put up with bad company will destroy the woman's physical health and not just her psychological and menatl health.
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Hi Progod and all,
I agree with u. No two people are mirror images of each other. Each one of us has a unique individuality. And no person is perfect. We all have our goods and bads.
The idea, should be, to choose a partner who is compatible with one. Some one(whose goods and bads) u can understand, love and respect, for all of he/she is.We all have come across numerous human beings(all kinds of them) all our life. And u realise that there are some people who u get along great with , some who are ok to be with, some who u cant stand etc......And marriage is a life long commitment. The more compatible and understanding u r with each other, the easier the journey of life(the good times and the bad) becomes.
Respecting and loving each other, for who the individual is, is what I was talking about. So, that obviously includes respecting the differences etc.
But say, A guy believes /loves violence and beats up kids. U cant sit around and respect and forgive him, can u? So, no one is talking of petty differences here.
Its just that in life, there all kinds of people. And u dont get along with 'all kinds'. U get along with some. U get along great with some. In an arranged marriage, u can end up with 'any kind'
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in life, there all kinds of people. And u dont get along with 'all kinds'. U get along with some. U get along great with some. In an arranged marriage, u can end up with 'any kind'
And in most cases you end up with wrong kind -(
In life it is always hard to live with a another human being because as human beings were are not perfect. To live with a partner that you hate or dislike is suffering...
Regards,
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Hi all,
Honestly, you'll never know someone completely inside and out. Trying to do that would be trying to accomlish the impossible.
I agree. thats why I added 'almost' inside out.
Let alone another person, We ourselves are in a journey of self discovery every day. There are new things about us that come out. Thats called growth. We can change with life, situations etc.But the essence of us doesnt change much.
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With some hesistance I write this, but I am hopeful.
If a guy says he loves you, then why meet in secret. Why keep it hidden, and once you love someone, why not marry them. I thought love was suppose to give you courage.
It gave me courage, and it saddens me to see the youth of today devalue love by attributing it to their irresponsible intentions, in the hope that it may justify their actions.
Peace.
Its kept secret because of such parents homophobic attitude. And sometime these parents go to the extend of killing their own daughter known as honor killing.
Some think parents being overprotective!! well yeah in to some extend BUT if this protective attitude is coming from religious believe than I think its a red alert!! and these things can make a person insane..
Do you think its fun!! to keep it secret ?
peace
I wasn't refering to a homophobic stituation, I though this was a girl for boy case.
My point is the boys and girls who claim to be in love are really in love with romantic notion of being in love. There are certain situations where u should keep it secert but most kids don't face those situations.
Honour killings are not the norm ok. It's not the scenario the average kid faces.
We all mature at different ages but you shouldn't really be thinking about relationships until you are out of your teenage years. Until you are ready to carry the responsibility that comes with love.
Peace.
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God bless,
With all that I said, I was not talking about the extreme situations where the spouse (women or man) is abusive. It seems that Taj has had some bad relationship experiences and wishes to scare this poor girl about marriage. If that is not your intention, cool. But nonetheless you are still doing that.
I am not talking about abusive situtations. But Americans, and especially American women are too particular about their spouses. They want everything to always be perfect.
Find someone you are compatible with. Look for the deeper things, like some beliefs, morales, attitudes, etc. If you like them good. Go with that. But believe me forgiveness is the key. Some people are forgiving and are too demanding. Sometimes your spouse (man or woman) may not appreciate you for the things you do. Bring it up, but overall forgive them. Abusive men are abusive men. Try to avoid that. But don't expect it to be perfect. Don't expect him to always act like you think he should. If you do and he does also there will be problems, because you are two different people. Forgive him and remind him to forgive you for what you both will probably see as faults in each other. Don't exagerate them. Look for the good and forgive the bad, as long as it doesn't amount to real abuse. That's all I'm saying. I'm sure some of the hurt women here will want to respond to me in large post, really just exposing their hurt and their insecurities because of their bad relationships. God gives us those for reason. I've had mine. In the end I took the advice of the Koran. To paraphrase, you should stay with your spouse, because what may annoy about them you might actually be good for you. So I learned not to be so judgemental. We all have our role to pay, but our spouse is not our God. In the case of abuse the Koran is clear about that too.
Godbless,
ProGod -
With all that I said, I was not talking about the extreme situations where the spouse (women or man) is abusive. It seems that Taj has had some bad relationship experiences and wishes to scare this poor girl about marriage. If that is not your intention, cool. But nonetheless you are still doing that.
Are you a marriage counselor?
Are you a therapist?
I am sure you are none of that.
Another important thing why are you making it personal!?So I learned not to be so judgemental.
And in denial of it too! I just quoted you judging me! Are you not aware of what you write!?
I would feel bad to respond to your stuff because your situation is clear. Take care of yourself. -
Ha! D That's so funny. I just told you the truth. I didn't judge you at all. But you are a woman and like most women you take any comment that might be contrary to you as a negative judgement. It's the emotion behind it . . . I know.
Baby. Just so you know, I love you as a sister in the faith. I think you are scaring the girl, nonetheless. And because I might not be a marriage counselor doesn't mean that I don't know what I'm talking about. But it's all good. Speak from you heart and I will speak from mine and let's hope God can bring truth and peace to us both. I don't mean to make anything personal. The truth can be seen from its signs.
May God put truth and real love in all our hearts and minds. Sisters and brothers alike. Taj. I love you as a sister in the faith wink
Godbless,
ProGod -
Ha! D That's so funny. I just told you the truth. I didn't judge you at all. But you are a woman and like most women you take any comment that might be contrary to you as a negative judgement. It's the emotion behind it . . . I know.
Baby. Just so you know, I love you as a sister in the faith. I think you are scaring the girl, nonetheless. And because I might not be a marriage counselor doesn't mean that I don't know what I'm talking about. But it's all good. Speak from you heart and I will speak from mine and let's hope God can bring truth and peace to us both. I don't mean to make anything personal. The truth can be seen from its signs.
May God put truth and real love in all our hearts and minds. Sisters and brothers alike. Taj. I love you as a sister in the faith wink
Godbless,
ProGodOne minute you attack me, another you cry you love me!!! In faith or otherwise roll Man, you need help.