My divorce - need your help
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Salam Warda,
In sha Allah things will be all fine ya Rab ) You know, we here have a belief about Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) that he used to welcome the time of extreme difficulty because it would be a sign that the difficulty is nearing the end. So in sha Allah this extreme difficult episode in your life is coming to an end. My advice to you now is that next time when you marry a muslim make sure that "Al3issmah" would be in your hand not his. Make it a condition in the marriage contract. "Al3issmah" means the right to divorce.
Take care and Allah Ma3ake pray
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Salam Warda, All
"Al3issmah" is a lifejacket that I hope no woman would need to use, ever pray
But I have to say that bringing up "Al3issmah" issue in the marriage contract would most probably turn off the husband-to-be and so would most probably make him run away. Most men cannot stand that the woman could have control over her destiny. To lose that power over to the woman would shake their core, I assume! So a lot of preparation for that "shock" for the husbnand-to-be is certainly needed )
"Al3issmah" issue is well known and practiced in Egypt where women are exceptionally strong there. No man could say "no" to an Egyptian woman!
However, I know of only ONE Arab woman from outside Egypt who conditioned this right in the marriage contract. A very strong confident woman indeed. She is also well-learned in Quran. And only because the man loved her so much that he had to agree on this condition. He asked for her hand many times but she would refuse because she was insisting on this condition. She only accepted him when he agreed on it. Everybody blamed him especially because he comes from a very rich, famous family and he could find many women who would die to get him. The couple are happily married for 25 years now with 7 children -
Hi Sis Taj,
"Al3issmah" is a lifejacket that I hope no woman would need to use, ever pray
what is "Al3issmah" ? I have no clue.
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Hi PM.
Hi Sis Taj,
"Al3issmah" is a lifejacket that I hope no woman would need to use, ever pray
what is "Al3issmah" ? I have no clue.
"Al3issmah" is the right to divorce. The Muslim husband owns that right naturally. He is the one who can end the marriage. The wife would not be divorced, free to marry another man, if her husband refuses to divorce her. However, if she conditioned in the marriage contract to own that right, then she won't be under his mercy. He won't hold her neck and won't let go of her in case she wants out. Owning that right, she would be able to divorce herself from him in front of Shohood witnesses and maybe even in mosque or court. It should not take much time nor effort to end her marriage.
There is also a law now, called "Al Khul3", not practiced everywhere though yet, where the wife can buy her divorce by paying her mahar back to her husband. But this still is difficult. You would still need a lawyer who would stand for her in court.
It would be much easier if the wife has the right to divorce"Al3issmah", as a condition in the marriage contract. If the husband-to-be signed that conditioned marriage contract then he won't dare to make any trouble for his wife in case she decides to divorce. But to find that mature, secure man is not easy! -
There is also a law now, called "Al Khul3", not practiced everywhere though yet, where the wife can buy her divorce by paying her mahar back to her husband. But this still is difficult. You would still need a lawyer who would stand for her in court.
It would be much easier if the wife has the right to divorce"Al3issmah", as a condition in the marriage contract. If the husband-to-be signed that conditioned marriage contract then he won't dare to make any trouble for his wife in case she decides to divorce. But to find that mature, secure man is not easy!Salam Taj,
did you read the link Elena posted? This is exactly about Khul'a. What I heard about it here didn't sound so difficult. Though I must say that I find it very bitter to give to that man who gave me such a hard time in several aspects a lot of money in order to let me go nope
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Salam Warda,
There is also a law now, called "Al Khul3", not practiced everywhere though yet, where the wife can buy her divorce by paying her mahar back to her husband. But this still is difficult. You would still need a lawyer who would stand for her in court.
It would be much easier if the wife has the right to divorce"Al3issmah", as a condition in the marriage contract. If the husband-to-be signed that conditioned marriage contract then he won't dare to make any trouble for his wife in case she decides to divorce. But to find that mature, secure man is not easy!Salam Taj,
did you read the link Elena posted? This is exactly about Khul'a. What I heard about it here didn't sound so difficult. Though I must say that I find it very bitter to give to that man who gave me such a hard time in several aspects a lot of money in order to let me go nope
I did read the link from Elena and I did know about that law earlier. I think I did not bring it up to you is because the "Khul3" concept is not mentioned in Quran. You wanted Ayat that support your position. "Al khul3" is a bargain that men in the muslim world invented to further suppress and abuse the women! It is not the same as "AlSul7=Alsulh" mentioned in the Ayat of Sura # 4. Because if you have to do something that is more than you can bear like paying so much money to get your freedom! Maybe you don't have that amount of money! I don't see that as the peaceful and considerate "Sul7" as mentioned in Quran. "Al Sul7" is a mutual agreement that considers the ability of both parties. "Al Khul3" is broad day light robbery/theft. But what can you do? You have no choice. Look what you have to go through to get your freedom!? This is not fair.
Besides, you have already paid for the mahar he gave you and that is by being his wife. So he not only had you as a wife, he now, by you paying him, would be having you for free for such a long time in the past! -
Hi Sis Taj,
Thanks for the explanation. Didnt realise such a thing exsisted.
And are these two laws u explained in compliance with 'Quran' ?Hi warda,
I did feel sorry and sad when I read that u would have to buy ur freedom. It doesnt feel fair. Especially since u r the one who has been, and will take care of ur children as well. Some men abuse women, endlessly, dont they? But cant u stick out and say 'I want a divorce. Why should I pay him to have a divorce?'There must be some sensible shaikh out there who does some good.
And why does ur husband want to remain married to u? Wont the 'marriage' curb his freedom as well? So, wont the divorce act in his favour too, to seek another partner?
I wish u good luck. I understand it must be a difficult ordeal.
Peace! -
Dear Peacefulmuslim (I told you already that I like your name, right?)
Nothing's decided yet. Maybe he will agree easily, maybe not. I have no clue what will come. Maybe I will have to accept the khul'a solution maybe not. Also I have no idea how the shaikh will decide, which side he'll favours and so on. I just don't know.
But I have to be prepared, this is why I opend this thread.
Take care
warda -
Hi Warda,
Dear Peacefulmuslim (I told you already that I like your name, right?)
Yes, u did! And I am all for peace.I bet u r too
Nothing's decided yet. Maybe he will agree easily, maybe not. I have no clue what will come. Maybe I will have to accept the khul'a solution maybe not. Also I have no idea how the shaikh will decide, which side he'll favours and so on. I just don't know.
I hope and pray u have ur way without having to buy ur freedom.
Looks like u rnt very sure of what ur husband wants. No discussions with him on it? Talk to him and find out.
Also talk to the shaikh and find out what ur chances are.
Shaikh is no authority, but if he is the only one who can divorce u, so be it. Study the set of the rules/regulations which the shaikhs are meant to use and search for helpful ones and also keep ur eyes open for loopholes.
Good luck! -
Salam Wards,
I have just spoken to an Egyptian lawyer who specializes in Divorce cases. I told him about you, that you are German (I guessed) who were married to an Egyptian in a mosque. He told me that this kind of marriage is called "3orfey" meaning not under a civil law. He said that the best thing you should do is go to the Egyptian Embassy in your country, Germany, and they sure will solve your problem, because they don't want problems with foreign countries. I don't think you will have to buy your freedom after all. You will get it for free and then some D
If you have any question, tell me and I will ask him.
Take care and best of luck. -
Peace Warda,
I'm glad that you are beginning to see a way to the path you seek. I'll pray for your strength, most definitely.
I am recently married and I too am unclear as to my rights in regards to divorce. I have not seen anyone answer Warda's question regarding men having more say over the finality of the relationship. I currently have this interpretation and I'm hoping someone can challenge it! If not, the God knows best....
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Salam Taj
Thanks Taj for asking and trying out to find what there's to do in my case. You're really very kind ) I am much more quiet now, waiting for the date being weapend with some ayas and other material good-hearted people sent to me grouphug I am very optimistic now, at least more than a week ago.
Salam Salika,
you recently married and you think already about divorce? I hope you will not be in my shoes soon ) Good Luck and thanks for your prayers
Regards
warda -
Salam Warda,
Thanks Taj for asking and trying out to find what there's to do in my case. You're really very kind I am much more quiet now, waiting for the date being weapend with some ayas and other material good-hearted people sent to me grouphug I am very optimistic now, at least more than a week ago.
Don't mention it. I am so glad that you are feeling better now, and it showed, so Alhamdu leLlah
While I was asking around, one person said "She is not living in the Arab or Muslim world, so why is she so worried? In the West, they have laws and courts unlike here. If your friend lives here then you really should worry about her but thankfully she does not!"Personally, I think you did good by opening this thread so that others would learn from your story. But can you tell us the lessons you have learned from this experience, if that is ok with you?
Thank you and God be with you wink -
Salaam dear Sister Warda,
You should know that I do thinking about you and wish you all the best )
I have been so busy online, so don't think that I have avoid you sister.
Take care and my warmest wishes to you and your daughters.
Peace Sis Majidah
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Salam Warda,
"She is not living in the Arab or Muslim world, so why is she so worried? In the West, they have laws and courts unlike here. If your friend lives here then you really should worry about her but thankfully she does not!"
Salam Taj,
I know many of you wonder about this. I try to explain If my husband doesn't want me to get divorced, there is no legal court that might help me in this case. So I will be for him his wife who is not allowed to go with other men, to marry another man, who can be controlled by him, he may enter my flat arguing that I am his wife if I refuse to let him in,... etc. etc. ... no lawyer, not legal court, no human-rights-group will change the way of thinking my sunni husband does that I am in Islam and Shari'a his wife with my duties and restrictions.
Of course I could call the police, I can go to women rights organisation and get help but this would only increase the problem and wouldn't solve the root of the problem that I am in his eyes still his wife. Fine, we have laws that forbid him to enter my flat if I want to - still he won't give up and make me problems for the following years.
He just today repeated angrily that he won't divorce me and he's threatening me that he will do "things I won't think of" whatever that means.
OK, it is not question of death or alive, I am not amongst the lions but I don't want to increase the problem. If I go to the police this means that a trial will follow -and this is the worst case scenario.So believe it or not the Sheick is the only authority which can help me. Wether I like it or not, wether I see him as such or not, wether he is in "real Islam" or not - he is the authority which can solve our marriage and my problem.
So if I live in Saudi-Arabia, India, Columbia, Great Britain or Australia - problems are problems and I have to take care for the psycho of my kids that they don't suffer even more under the situation. Sure - if it's getting too hard, there are laws which might protect me. Fine.
I hope I made it clear now.
Salam Sis Majidah
Salaam dear Sister Warda,
You should know that I do thinking about you and wish you all the best
I have been so busy online, so don't think that I have avoid you sister.
Take care and my warmest wishes to you and your daughters.
Peace Sis Majidah
Thanks Sis, its ok
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Salam Salika,
you recently married and you think already about divorce? I hope you will not be in my shoes soon Good Luck and thanks for your prayers
Regards
wardaLOL! I'm not planning on divorce, but I also do not subscribe to the eutopic thought that a marriage is until "death to us part". Rather, until the relationship is no longer healthy beyond repair for whatever reason. I cannot predict the future as I do not know what the God has in store for me. I can plan, however. And part of my plan is to accept the best and the worst case scenario. My partner is a kindred soul, most definitely. The best case scenario and the one that I am hoping for is us to build our lives right into infinity. However, I still must keep in mind that this may not be the case, if the God wills otherwise.
Just doing my best to be prepared...