What should I do
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Salam Brothers and Sisters,
I?m one of the members in this forum and today I am using under different username because what I?m going to tell you is too personal to me. I don?t feel comfortable even using my old username. I hope the moderator don?t bane me for this reason even though I break one of the rules.
It started when I have strange feeling that my wife of 16 years is cheating on me with another man. I don?t know why I had that feeling but all I do is I pray to God that if it is true, I hope God would find me a solution for that and if it false, I hope God would clear my bad feeling.
Not long after that, I received sms from one of my client telling me that my wife is having an affair with a divorcee. I confront my wife with that sms but she told me that the women who send me the sms is divorced by her husband and she said that obviously she like to see another marriage have the same fate like her marriage. To me, her explanation is making sense and I just delete the message.
Few weeks after that I happened to borrow my daughter?s hand phone because I want to check her sms. To my surprise, I saw my wife sms to another men start from when they know each other till they are having and affair. The sms is so explicit like my wife worry about their having sex without protection and what if I know about their relationship. I was very hurt reading the message and I ask my wife about it. Again she has good explanation to it. She told me that her friend borrow the hand phone from her and her friend use my wife?s name and her identity because she did not want that men to know her real name. I accept her explanation and I know in the Quran we are not supposed to blame other people doing wrong without any proof.
But the doubt keeps burning in my chess. One day I intercept her phone bill and saw she made a lot of call to the man. Even when I show her the phone bill, she still denies her affair. She is very good in convincing till I don?t have any point to argue. I was so upset till my house maid notices it. She told me that she knew about it long before I know. She knows from my daughter. She even asks my daughter to tell me about it but my daughter could not tell me.
One day I stop giving her money. She was so angry to me till her father heard our fight. I don?t want to tell her father to know about her affair because I fear that what if her excuse is true. I fear Allah and I know God don?t like people talk something bad to others without proof. I don?t know what to do. I still love my wife. But what she did to me is hurting me.
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Peace,
The one thing you can do, is ask her that 'her friend' cannot use the phones anymore and her name. Then you can watch if it still showes up in places. But i would have enough proof already. Sorry to say it like this. But first try the above, if it still goes on. Then please, keep the honor to yourself and leave. It is good you want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but don't push that beyond reason. Let her know that 'her friend' cannot use your phones anymore, any phone and your wife's name. See how your wife protests. Don't fall for her excuse, if you want a real answer, do this. Ban the 'friend'. Then the truth will pop out. Good luck bro. I can't imagine how hard it must be. But keep the honor to yourself when you know it is true. You can always PM if you want to share your thoughts...
Peace
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Peace guess.
I am sorry to hear about what you are going through as I am sure it is very painful.
I just wanted to point one thing out regarding your statement about requiring proof. It is true that God has set very high bars when it comes to accusations, especially with regard to adultery.
In my mind, however, it is not required that you have 100% proof in the sense of direct evidence. I think circumstantial evidence is allowed in resolving matters. I say this because of the story of prophet Joseph in 1226-28, where he was similarly accused and the matter was resolved by examining what side of his shirt was torn (no direct eyewitness testimony, but rather circumstantial evidence inferred by logic). The question is, is all the evidence you've been presented with relevant circumstantial evidence? Personally, I think it is. You heard about it from someone else (the weakest evidence, in my opinion), but then saw text messages yourself, as well as evidence of phone calls to the same man?
Maybe I'm being too presumptuous.
At any rate, I hope others here can help more than I have. Peace.
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Peace,
That's fine I can understand the need for privacy but after this is done, please let the admin know so that they can delete the account or something?
As for your story, sometimes intuition is what you pick up, little signs that one can't put together otherwise that give that feeling. I'll try to break down the series of events with my thoughts so that might help.
ot long after that, I received sms from one of my client telling me that my wife is having an affair with a divorcee. I confront my wife with that sms but she told me that the women who send me the sms is divorced by her husband and she said that obviously she like to see another marriage have the same fate like her marriage. To me, her explanation is making sense and I just delete the message.
No one would just for the heck of it sms another person's husband to tell them that they are having an affair unless they were jealous for some reason it's true. But this could be anything from that client knowing that person and maybe wanting them themselves or knowing that another woman is having an affair and feeling petty about it and wanting the husband to know. It could be a host of reasons and just wanting to see someone else's marriage fail with no evidence or something to back it up is a bit screwy imo.Few weeks after that I happened to borrow my daughter?s hand phone because I want to check her sms. To my surprise, I saw my wife sms to another men start from when they know each other till they are having and affair. The sms is so explicit like my wife worry about their having sex without protection and what if I know about their relationship. I was very hurt reading the message and I ask my wife about it. Again she has good explanation to it. She told me that her friend borrow the hand phone from her and her friend use my wife?s name and her identity because she did not want that men to know her real name. I accept her explanation and I know in the Quran we are not supposed to blame other people doing wrong without any proof.
May I ask how old your daughter is firstly? It's kinda strange that these messages are still on her phone? The friend using the wife's name and identity doesn't make sense whatsoever...why would she let someone else use her real name for such nefarious dealings as in explicitly talking about sex and her husband finding out especially if the friend doesn't even want to tell this man her real name? ???But the doubt keeps burning in my chess. One day I intercept her phone bill and saw she made a lot of call to the man. Even when I show her the phone bill, she still denies her affair. She is very good in convincing till I don?t have any point to argue. I was so upset till my house maid notices it. She told me that she knew about it long before I know. She knows from my daughter. She even asks my daughter to tell me about it but my daughter could not tell me.
How did she convince you after the phone bill I'd really like to know? Oh so your daughter knows as well and the housemaid too. I would like to ask you if you think this is not some kind of evidence? It appears as if shes denying everything when confronted with anything.ne day I stop giving her money. She was so angry to me till her father heard our fight. I don?t want to tell her father to know about her affair because I fear that what if her excuse is true. I fear Allah and I know God don?t like people talk something bad to others without proof. I don?t know what to do. I still love my wife. But what she did to me is hurting me.
Bro, I'd like to give you some advice, imo I think there is something seriously wrong when everyone else knows about it apparently and the bills and all. Sit your wife down and have a serious talk with her, tell her that using her daughters phone and giving it to other friends to talk about this kind of stuff is downright appaling and it should NOT be done and what was her reasoning there...this is defintely not good when the household inclusive of your daughter knows about it. Don't worry about your father at this point, you need to get her to admit things...don't buy into things that don't make sense to you and figure out what should be done asap. This is a very destructive influence on everything in the household and things will not get better until a conclusion is reached. Use your own judgement to decide whether she is making stuff up or hiding things and if they persist. There does come a point where it can't be hidden any longer and I can understand your caution but don't let it push you into not doing anything even when there is enough evidence, circumstantial or otherwise to prove that something is going on. -
Peace,
Lacking the final evidence you are looking for (though I would say the sms`s, the phone bill, and the knowledge of your daughter and maid are pretty tangible), you would be advised to end this matter if she is willing to swear by God that she is not an adulteress.
246-10
- And those who accuse their wives, but they have no witnesses except for themselves, then the testimony of one of them is to be equivalent to that of four witnesses if he is swearing by God that he is being truthful.
- And the fifth shall be God?s curse upon him if he is one of those lying.
- And the punishment will be averted from her if she testifies four times by God that he is of the liars.
- And the fifth shall be that God?s curse is upon her if he is speaking the truth.
- All this is from God?s favour upon you and His mercy. And God is Forgiving, Wise.
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Peace Guess!
One thing VERY important now Don't get your daughter into this! Don't get her between you and your wife! Don't put her in a position where she would have to choose between you two! This will hurt her more than anything, regarless of what she knows or not, regardless if it is true or not. Just DON'T get her into this, PLEASE! Don't allow your hurt to cripple your parenting responsibilities.
The next important thing Get rid of your maid! And she wants to get your daughter into this!? OMG! What else does she plan to do? To break the house down over your heads? There is a line that no maid should cross.
After you've done that, I would ask you to slow down, and as Kyle would say don't allow your emotions to run the scene! Try to ask yourself why why would your wife do such a thing? (If this was true). Have you been too busy in your work to the point that you lost communication with her? Maybe you would find the answer in you!
That is, if she is having an affair!Do you have marriage counseling? Can you go together to a counselor and just lay down your suspicion and her defence? The counselor should be able to spot the real problem.
The truth will have to come out. It will. Just don't ruin everything till then!
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Peace guess,
I am truly sorry for what you are going through. I'll tell you what, though, if you felt like something was wrong, and 3 people say they know she's up to no good, and the messages, and the phone bills, and the ridiculous excuses...well, I think you already know what's going on. The only evidence missing would be a videotape and then she'd say her friend got plastic surgery and a wig to look like her.
You're in denial, brother. My advice is to dig deep and figure out why she's doing what she's doing, for your own sanity's sake. This will only come from your own intuition and a direct confrontation with her about it. This means no excuses - just the truth. It's up to you whether or not this can be forgiven, whether she can change, and whether what's broken can be fixed.
In my experience, betrayal is the hardest thing to accept, and the hardest thing to forgive. My heart goes out to you and your daughter.
Peace,
Tay -
peace guess,
I am sorry to hear about your situation.
The evidence is very strong against your wife. Allow me to explain the main points, why I think so
Again she has good explanation to it. She told me that her friend borrow the hand phone from her and her friend use my wife?s name and her identity because she did not want that men to know her real name.
It is unlikely she would allow a friend to use her daughter's phone for explicit sexual talk, and then keep the texts! If your daughter is young or teens, this is unacceptable and will make it even more extremely unlikely she allowed her friend to do that. Of course, she may just be an unfit mother. Furthermore, if the texts say things like "I wonder if he/husband knows" then at the very least your wife's friend is having an affair! Is your wife happy to encourage adultery and get her daughter involved in it too!? Unlikely.
One day I intercept her phone bill and saw she made a lot of call to the man. Even when I show her the phone bill, she still denies her affair.
One thing I'm unsure of is if your wife is having an affair why your wife would use her daughter's phone some of the time and her own phone sometimes? If I have understood you correctly.
I was so upset till my house maid notices it. She told me that she knew about it long before I know. She knows from my daughter. She even asks my daughter to tell me about it but my daughter could not tell me.
When you say your daughter could not tell me, do you mean she said "nothing was going on" or do you mean she was not wanting to talk about it. If its the latter (2nd one) this proves beyond any doubt that your wife is having an affair. So, now you have 3 people your client, maid & daughter.
What I recommend you to do is speak to your wife's friend and confront her about the apparent affair she is having, even threaten to tell her husband, see how she reacts... hopefully this will break her into telling on your wife. At the very least, ban her from using your daughter's phone, your wifes, and from your house.
Find out from your client, what evidence she has, and if she knows the male involved. Follow up on it if she does.
Follow the advice of 434, advise your wife on the situation (e.g. her friend is no longer welcome in your house, nor to use your phones. ask her how she feels about your marriage, if she's willing to change etc.), continue to limit her money and take a time-out from her, as this will show her what life will be like without you.
Her reaction will determine what to do next.
And lastly, dont fire the maid.
Wakas
ps - 434 does not mean beat her! it means "leave her be", i.e. take a time-out.
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Peace guess
I pray Insha-Allah you find a peaceful solution to these doubts and that your family stays intact and strong.
My advice to you brother, is to follow this aya very carefully, for if you follow it, you will find an equitable resolution to your problem.
O you who believe! avoid most of suspicion, for surely suspicion in some cases is a sin, and do not spy nor let some of you backbite others. Does one of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? But you abhor it; and be careful of (your duty to) Allah, surely Allah is Oft-returning (to mercy), Merciful.
Do not let outside forces (client, housemaid) ruin your marriage. They have successfully sowed the seed of suspicion in you through backbiting on your wife. In this aya we are told to avoid most suspicion. Here is my advice Take your wife's word as true. If it is true that a friend is using phones to carry out her affair, find out which friend. Helping others to commit sin is a big sin. So absolutely make it 100% clear that she can no longer be an enabler. You have to take a very strong stand on this that she CANNOT help her carry out her dirty work. Your wife cannot allow for her friend to continue to slander your wife's name by using her name - USE ANOTHER NAME. She cannot use her phone in order to cover her steps. Then you must tell your wife never to allow this woman into your home again. She shouldn't be near your daughter or your wife. We should always surround ourselves with good pious people who fear God. The key here is to take your wife's word as the absolute truth. Make it clear that you will be tracking all incoming phone calls to make sure ties with this woman are forever severed because your wife is too honorable and respectable to be associating with such a low-life. And you must also protect your daughter too. Believe me, if the truth is otherwise, it will come out eventually as bro arnoldyasin stated. But how horrible it would be to accuse your wife of an affair when in reality there was none! That would not rest easily in her memory for a very long time. I think there is much wisdom in this aya. If eventually, you still find the same # on your bill or more sms even after you got a solid agreement from her to break ties with this friend, then she won't be able to use this lie anymore. Then you'll hear the truth, if that's what the truth really is.
Please don't jump to conclusions. I think the evidence you found may seem damning but it may also be that you framed it on the post in a way that affirms your suspicions, simply because you are in so much doubt right now. It could just be a jealous, resentful housemaid, and an adultress friend.
Perhaps it is not, and maybe just maybe, by putting your foot down VERY firmly about this 'friend', she'll realize her marriage may be on the line and she should break ties with this man - again if (strong if) there is one.
I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers for the best Insha-Allah.
Salam -
Peace be upon you,
I dont want to judge your situation from my blocked sight vantagepoint, but I just want to share with you that no matter what the situation is, what you need to be concerned with and working on right now is your response if it turns out to be true. You have to cultivate the ability to stay at peace in the face of adversity. You dont have to enjoy being cheated on, but you can not trust her and leave her and STILL maintain your state of peace. Your peace of mind which is tied directly to your HEALTH and happiness need not be compromised. If it is, that is YOUR fault. She can waste your time and money, but if you allow the situation to destroy your mind and health and give you the "feeling" of unhappiness, then that part is YOUR fault.
Saying all this is easier that doing, but it must be said, all else is strentgthening your conditionings that do not serve you well in this event. You must transcend emotion, not be a slave to it. Call upon The Self Sufficient to manifest that attribute through you. Happiness is not found in things but in proper cultivation of your Spirit(nafs) within.
I have gone through something similar myself years ago with the mother of my only daughter. It is a formiddible test, to ignore the silly thoughts and images that come to you and remain at peace. I was unable to do it and suffered for a while. But I look back on it today and see just how silly I was, there was never anything to fear or be ashamed of. There was no emotion necessary, I should have just stayed at Peace. Butr today, that event in my life helped me to dig deeper into the inner workings of the mind(subconcious) and opened up so much for me in regards to the God's Order and system.
Finally, there is the possibility that nothing is really happening, but be prepared for any situation. Dont have any fear. Do NOT have any fear. You can take this advice now, or reflect upon it later after a long time of unnecessary hardship. We are the commanders of the CONTROLLING FORCES, be strong! sun
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Salam
Wow idolfree1, I read your post a few times to really let it sink in. It was really deep and such good advice to us all. God bless you -
Peace be upon you,
May the God bless you and us all as well. Thank you for the kind words.
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peace
Ask God for help in this manner, He will show you his signs (if He so wills) Believe me
I hope everything works out for you, May you find the truth.
God bless
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Salam Taj,
Sorry I couldn't help it but ask you this-)
Peace Guess!
.....
After you've done that, I would ask you to slow down, and as Kyle would say don't allow your emotions to run the scene! Try to ask yourself why why would your wife do such a thing? (If this was true). Have you been too busy in your work to the point that you lost communication with her? Maybe you would find the answer in you!
That is, if she is having an affair!
......Assuming this was true, why he should ask himself? I don't get it. Adultery can NOT be justified under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES whether the person was busy or not, lacks communication or not, otherwise we would have seen clauses and exceptions in Quran!!-). This reminds me the stories of women who are told that their husbands got a second and third wives because something was wrong with them (the women) and that they (the women) did fail their duties! Seriously I don't get it. The victim is further victimised!!
Adultery and fornication is a state of mind, and not whether the spouses were doing something wrong.
What I would tell our Brother, is the divine wisdom in Quran tells you that if you are not convinced the proofs you got are tangible or enough for you to make a decision without doing unjustice, you have verses 246-10 that Brother Layth posted and wait for God's decree. Sooner of later something will happen to clear the matter.
Peace. Myr. -
peace, i agree with you myr
"why would your wife do such a thing?"
It's called evil (if she's guilty) she fell for it with no regrets apparently. There should be no reason/excuse for such behavior. It's complete selfishness. If she's guilty it's her that should be questioned not the husband being cheated on
take care,
God bless
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Salam Myr, All
Salam Taj,
Sorry I couldn't help it but ask you this-)Peace Guess!
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After you've done that, I would ask you to slow down, and as Kyle would say don't allow your emotions to run the scene! Try to ask yourself why why would your wife do such a thing? (If this was true). Have you been too busy in your work to the point that you lost communication with her? Maybe you would find the answer in you!
That is, if she is having an affair!
......Assuming this was true, why he should ask himself? I don't get it. Adultery can NOT be justified under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES whether the person was busy or not, lacks communication or not, otherwise we would have seen clauses and exceptions in Quran!!-). This reminds me the stories of women who are told that their husbands got a second and third wives because something was wrong with them (the women) and that they (the women) did fail their duties! Seriously I don't get it. The victim is further victimised!!
Adultery and fornication is a state of mind, and not whether the spouses were doing something wrong.
What I would tell our Brother, is the divine wisdom in Quran tells you that if you are not convinced the proofs you got are tangible or enough for you to make a decision without doing unjustice, you have verses 246-10 that Brother Layth posted and wait for God's decree. Sooner of later something will happen to clear the matter.
Peace. Myr.The husband should ask himself why, but only after the suspicion is proven true. If the affair did happen, I believe there must have been signs from the wife that the husband chose not to pay attention to or did not give it priority. Marriage is the hardest of work and it is the responsibility of each to be there for the other all the time. Should one partner stray, the other should be there for him/her right from the beginning and before things start to go from bad to worse. That is their responsibilty. That is how I see the marriage bond. If a partner fails to fully commit, the relationship will not sink. It will sink when both parties choose to go the other way. If the couple each lives in his/her own world then where is the commitment? I believe that some people take their partners for granted and that is when the problems start to happen..
We are not sure that there was any affair, so we MUST NOT question the wife at all. The problem now is in the husband, in his suspicion that is eating him all up and blinding him from his parental duties. To live in this fiery circle of suspicion and based on what, on a call from some woman telling him that his wife is having an affair? What if that woman sent him now another message telling him that his wife is not having an affair, would that clear up his mind? If it didn't then he should seek the help of a therapist, because suspicion is so destructive it ruins more than just the person who has it. It ruins his wife's life, the lives of his children, and soon his in-laws. And what is he going to do about his suspicion? Does he intend to divorce her? If he does, then he should wait for a concrete proof and should clear his mind till then by leaving it to God. Another way to clear his mind is by following 246-10.. It is all for him to remove his suspicion and be able to live peacefully because his wife is innocent until PROVEN guilty.
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Salam Brothers and Sisters,
Thanks for the input. Last night I have talk to her father regarding my problem. Her father calls her and asks her about this matter. She still denies it and her father promise to dig this deeper. He said he is going to see the man and my wife?s friend who allegedly use the phone. Her father knows who the man is. He is a brother of his friend.
Last night, my wife asks me to ask her father not to see the man and her friend. She promises me she would change. I agree and told her father about this. So? I pray to God everything is going to be normal next time.
By the way, I?m not going to fire my maid. I treat her like one of the family member. She is not involved in this. I don?t know why my wife uses my daughter?s (she is 14) hand phone, but I know it must be God ways for me to find out about this. My wife did not know that the phone have the feature which keep all the send sms and it keep it in the outbox folder. She only deleted the incoming messages.
If everything ok, I?m not going to use this username anymore. I would like to thanks the moderator for allowing me to do this. It really helps when I get these things out using this forum. And I really appreciate all the inputs and supports from all of you.
Thanks
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Peace,
Last night, my wife asks me to ask her father not to see the man and her friend. She promises me she would change. I agree and told her father about this. So? I pray to God everything is going to be normal next time.
Not sure what you are saying here
she promises she would change...That she was innocent and its all over (which makes no sense in that context), or that she was guilty and confessed it? -
Peace,
Last night, my wife asks me to ask her father not to see the man and her friend. She promises me she would change. I agree and told her father about this. So? I pray to God everything is going to be normal next time.
Not sure what you are saying here
she promises she would change...That she was innocent and its all over (which makes no sense in that context), or that she was guilty and confessed it?She's either afraid of herself or her friend being exposed and turning gears on him, at least from what I have learnt so far. Looks like the former.
