stay or leave???
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peace salaam4usa, I don't need to tell you that your situation is a bad one. I have seen this question asked before on another forum and one member gave some pretty solid serious advice which I will copy and paste here
Do NOT Move Out Of The House. Moving out may INSTANTLY ruin any chance of custody that you may have. If you've moved out, move back in right now. Recognize that in some situations, staying will cause heightened tension between you and your spouse, and this increased tension may lead to domestic violence. Be aware of this and work to minimize friction. As an alternative, consider "time-sharing" the family home with your spouse until the custody and divorce issues are worked out.
Get A Temporary Restraining Order (TRO). In the TRO, specify that the children are prohibited from being taken out of the State. This will prevent your spouse from taking the children to another State and concealing them, something she can legally do if there is no TRO in place. This is a classic tactic of a vengeful spouse, and can wreak havoc on your life and the children's lives too. Needless to say, fighting for custody across State lines is not something you want to do if you can avoid it.
Do NOT Allow Your Spouse To Take The Children And Leave. Your spouse has no more right to take the children from their family home than you do. Make sure that your spouse knows that if he or she wants to leave, they're free to go, but the children stay. Again, as an alternative, consider "time-sharing" the family home with your spouse until the custody and divorce issues are settled. If you suspect your spouse may flee with the children or conceal them from you, read this and this.
Get An Attorney Immediately. Divorce Court is no place for a father to be without competent counsel. Even with a good attorney, as a man the odds are initially stacked against you. You need an experienced Family Law attorney. For more information on evaluating and hiring an attorney, look here and here. Also check out the SPARC Professional Directory and the Atorneys Page for attorneys that may be near you.
Insist On 50% Custody And Parenting Time. do not settle for anything less than 50% time with your children. Remember, your spouse does not have any legal right to spend more time with the children than you do. If you settle for less time with the children, you may have set a precedent that will be upheld in court. Insist on the right to spend equal time with the children.
Move Your Personal Papers And Records To A Safe Location, AWAY From The Family Home. These papers should include (but not be limited to) your birth certificate, diplomas, pension papers, and all other personal documents. These papers must be stored someplace where your spouse will have no access to them, such as a trusted friend or co-worker's home. For jointly owned records (bank statements, real estate records, titles, deeds, her tax returns and W2 statements, etc.), make two copies of everything, and give one copy your spouse. Store your copy in a safe location.
Cancel All Jointly-Owned Credit Cards. Meet with your spouse and inform them that you intend to cancel the cards before you do so. It only takes five or ten minutes to cancel your credit cards, and in that same five or ten minutes, your spouse could charge $5,000 on them. If the card is jointly owned, YOU will have to pay some (or more likely ALL) of that $5000 credit card debt. If your spouse already has the cards and has started to go on a spending-spree, report the cards as stolen. The card will be canceled and you may only be liable for the first $50 of whatever charges were put on the card.
If you open up a new account, do it at a different bank; don't stay with the same banking company.
Make A Record Of All Marital Property. The best way to do this is with a camcorder. (If possible, do this together with your spouse. If that isn't possible, make a copy of the tape for him or her.) Inventory the entire home and it's contents. Pull items out where they can be seen, and open up drawers so the contents are visible when you tape. Make sure the "date" function is turned on so the date is visible when the tape is viewed. Take the videotape and store it away from the home. If objects "disappear" from the family home, you'll have a solid record of what is missing.
Secure Your More Valuable Personal Property. If you have a stamp or coin collection, firearms, or similar valuable personal items, find a safe place away from the home to store them for a while. Personal mementos and other irreplaceable items should also be stored somewhere safe. This applies only to your personal property, NOT common possessions or community property. If at all possible, meet with your spouse and discuss this with them.
Inventory And Safeguard Any Stored Property. If you have safety deposit boxes or storage units, remove whatever personal property is yours. Again, store it away from the home in a secure location. If, for example, your spouse removes items and disposes of them, it may be very hard later to prove who the items belonged to, or if they even existed at all. Video taping all stored property is also a good idea.
Reduce Unnecessary Expenses Immediately. Meet with your spouse and agree to cancel unneeded utilities, such as cable TV, extra telephone lines, etc. Chances are, you're going to need money in the very near future. Sell personal property you don't want or need like cameras, VCR's, extra vehicles, etc. Do this now, because as soon as you're legally separated these items may be considered "Community Property", in which case you may not be able to sell them even though they're yours.
Start Keeping A Daily Journal. Record any significant event, including telephone calls, time spent with the children, arguments with your spouse, information you discover that may have a bearing on your divorce, etc. Keep this journal in a secure location. Be aware that this written record may be used as evidence, (and seen by opposing counsel) so stick to the facts and date all entries. One possible way to keep this journal from being subpoenaed is to start off each entry by addressing it "To My Attorney, (attorney's name)" so that it automatically becomes "privileged communication" and is therefore not open to subpoena. You may also want to keep a second journal just for yourself, for your personal thoughts and feelings. Look here for tips on keeping documentation.
Don't Sign ANYTHING. Many men have made the mistake of signing papers or preliminary agreements which later caused the outcome of property and custody battles to be decided against them. You may be signing something that no attorney can modify later. Don't do it! If your spouse wants you to sign something, politely say you'll be glad to, but your attorney has "ordered you not to sign anything" before he or she has a look at it.
Prepare Yourself For False Allegations. If you're a man, a common (and effective) tactic is to accuse you of molesting your children. 99.9% of the time this accusation is made by the mother in an attempt to gain (or re-gain) control of custody proceedings. You should contact your attorney at once if this occurs, then follow these guidelines to protect yourself from further allegations.
Stop Contributing To Any IRA's, 401(K) Accounts Or Pension Plans. Usually this is done by simply signing a form at your place of work. There's a good chance that (assuming you don't spend it) some or all of the money in your pension plan or retirement account will be given to your spouse as part of the property settlement, so don't put any more in there. Stopping contributions to pension plans and the like will also put a little more money in your paycheck each week, and chances are, you're going to need it.
If it's legal in your state (check w/lawyer), install hidden cameras and mics in family areas of the house (not the bedroom). insist upon having all family discussions while surreptitiously recording.
There is a website called "dirty divorce tactics". they sell videos to do with the subject and there are some free clips on it. don't know if they are any good but it could be worth checking out.
also just google "protect yourself in a divorce"
all this advice with the links can be found here http//deltabravo.net/custody/protect.php
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But my wife is no longer happy being married, being a wife and mother. She constantly verbally abuses not only me, but anyone related to her. She wants out of the marriage, go out on her own, and live with another man as she makes pocket-money thinking she will survive.
We didn't even spend intimacy together for nearly a year.
Leave or release her and move on. Your relationship may end sooner or later. -
Salaam all - hope I can get some much needed advice.
To start, I am married for eleven years to my wife. Known her for a total of 17 years. We have a son who is 10. I love my family immensely. But my wife is no longer happy being married, being a wife and mother. She constantly verbally abuses not only me, but anyone related to her. She wants out of the marriage, go out on her own, and live with another man as she makes pocket-money thinking she will survive. I cannot afford an attorney, yet I don't want my son being in a broken family. Marriage counsellors don't work - it's all in one ear, out the other with her. I admit I am no 'saint' - she said something crude and vulgar to me this past Thanksgiving right in front of our son. I threw a chair and walked out (btw, nobody was hit by the chair). What should I do with her? We didn't even spend intimacy together for nearly a year.Peace,
Respectfully.Check The Quran to see how those before us solved such problems.
May The Exalted God guide you all and give you Happiness and love and joy in the marriage and the family altogether.
God willing.Glory be to our God.
Peace. -
Insist On 50% Custody And Parenting Time. do not settle for anything less than 50% time with your children. Remember, your spouse does not have any legal right to spend more time with the children than you do. If you settle for less time with the children, you may have set a precedent that will be upheld in court. Insist on the right to spend equal time with the children.
I always love advice like this...blanket advice with no thought to the children. What if 50% is not good for them?
No need to answer necessarily as I'm just reading through old threads today...but advice like this is really dangerous. In Australia it's well known that many men who don't actually want to have to care for their children 50% of the time go for it to reduce costs. I'm not saying all men are like this, or that 50/50 care can't work, but maybe it's time that people started considering the whole picture of a family instead of blanket rules and advice that don't always help.
Now that this system has been in place here for a long while authorities are starting to say that they were wrong and that it's actually not a good setup for children much of the time. Apparently it only works in the rare cases where the parting couple still get along with each other and therefore can have a positive working relationship. How often do you think that happens?
But maybe this advice was relevant in another country that I don't know about.