advice needed
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Peace umzy01
Let me write my thoughts and opinions, this time more detailed and comprehensive.
so im set to be married in december, my fiance introduced me to following the Quran alone and alh ive believed in this for the last two years. my family is verry sunni and i havnt told them yet, the plan was to wait till i was independent and married to tell them.
on friday my big brother found a copy of the message (the literal translation of the Quran) book in my room, had a heart attack and interrogated me. he now knows my fiance is 'quran only' and says i cant marry him and he'll tell my mum.
Believe in yourself. You deserve to have a good life. No one decides which choices you should make in your life. Your brother does not decide what you should do. You are your own Boss.
at this point so far he only knows im leaning towards it. as far as he's concerned to believe in this is to forsake isalm and no sister of his will marry a non muslim or 'become' a non muslim
That's his problem, not yours. We are not responsible for other peoples feelings when they are Illogical, unjust or insincere.
i have two options, both suck big time
- dont tell them what i believe yet (meaning i will never get marry to my fiance )
Hmm. You can do the following You can hide what you believe until you get independent, or move to the house of your fiance before you get independent (if he has one).
- do tell them i agree with it ( i'll be disowned and kicked out)
How do you know you will be disowned and kicked out? In my opinion, this is only a guess. We don't know the future. You might get kicked out, or might not. If you tell them you agree with it, and have a job, then there is no problem if you get kicked out. Because then you have the money to pay for rent. This is not easy. And it takes courage.
please if you can think up a 3rd nicer option let me know. in the mean time i'll be debating with my brother trying to get him to understand this. so far he says they only way he'll be convinced is if a credible sheykh affirms my belief. i wont hold my breath...
I can grow long beard, and we can tell your brother that I am a sheykh. lol. just kidding. Once again, your brother does not decide what you should do or not do. You do not need your brother's permission to do anything in your life. You are only responsible for yourself.
he's a great guy and brother and i know all this is out of love which i respect and i post this only to get other opinions not to cuss his. so suggestions which are compassionate to all would be appreciated
Everyone sees the world according to his or her knowledge. Your brother probably wants the best for you, according to his knowledge. So from what you have written, it seems like he has good intentions.
my heart is confused im praying for an answer constantly, and im trying my hardest to put my trust in god im just so scared.
Follow your heart, your intuition. The inner compass will tell you what you need to do. Often we know the truth in our heart, but we don't want to hear it. Sometimes we pray for an answer when we have already got it. And if we got it, we should accept the answer.
and yeah my family love me i know, but the falling out i had with them for choosing to marry outside our race lasted a over year, were finally past this but i dont see them getting over the fact they'd consider me and him non muslim. my brother even said if i was to die it would be haram for him to pray for me. hypno i wish it wasnt as dramatic as it is.
If they accepted your first choice, they will probably accept your second choice as well. And if they don't accept your choice, that's their problem. Not yours. You are only responsible for yourself.
Quran 5105
O you who believe, you are responsible for yourselves; none who are misguided can harm you if you are guided. To God is your return, all of you, and then He will inform you of what you have done.In my opinion, if we want anything in life, we must revolt. But we must revolt in a peaceful way. If your parents or your brother, are violent (will not hit you), then you can easily do what you want, and choose to get married. But if they are violent, things will be harder, and you should probably wait before you tell them about your belief system.
honestly i would just love to tell them the truth i just dont think im ready.
If you feel that you are not ready, you should wait. If you have a job and can provide for yourself, then you are ready. But if you don't have a job, and is economically dependent on your parents, then you are not ready.
oh third option dsnt work. my brother now knows my fiancee rejects hadith and considers him not muslim. theres no chance my family would go through with the wedding
Your family does not need to go trough with the wedding. From my understanding of the Quran, the only thing which is important is that Allah accepts a wedding. The only thing a woman and a man need to do to get married is to make an oath to God. A woman and a man can even be on an island (were no one else is, not parents, not friends, no one) and still their marriage would be accepted if they make an oath to God.
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peace )
i suggest you try to talk to them, explain that you're the same person you just choose to live like this instead of that... after all it is your life, not theirs... ultimately you'll answer to God, not them...
if you and your fiance love each other, and wanna spend your lives together, that's all that matters, nobody should stand in a way, your family can't forcefully prevent that and force you to marry someone else just because he's to their liking...
you don't choose love... it chooses you )but if your fiance really loves you, he shouldn't mind either if you follow sunna or hadith...
- dont tell them what i believe yet (meaning i will never get marry to my fiance )
why does that mean you'll never marry your fiance?
they wouldn't let you marry someone until they know how he believes?but it's better to somehow please both sides, it's never good to break up the family...
maybe they should meet the guy, see what he's like, judge him based on his personality - not belief
would they prefer a sunni person who's horrible? -
Such a tough situation something i envision upon myself.
mind if i ask a few questions.. how strict are your parents?
so your bro interrogated you and basically you let out your fiance is quranic so he is gonna black mail you if you continue the relationship with him?
Though your parents have approved of him? (before knowing this)
I think you gotta be sensitive in what you say because they'd be emotional and maybe even irrational..
why is option 1 never get married to fiance, do your parents know he is quranic?
option 2 do you really think they will disown you and kick you out and never speak to you again? how independent are you.. I mean they may use it as a threat because they know you wouldn't.
Have you considered talking to someone in the community who likes the guy and knows your parents?
At the end of the day it really depends on how much you want to marry the guy. Family is family and no one ever wants to break a bridge.. We all wish they can be more rational and open minded. you have rights it just depends on how much you're willing to fight for it.
might be an idea to discuss things with your bro/parents. as in well if our vision of islam is right what's the big deal of reading other interpretation to prove it right? or is one scared? maybe its not so easy to open up convo's like that..
but if your family dunno why not kinda bluff it? like say he is a muslim that doesn't follow a madhab? (that's plausible not exactly lying) then again when you get married and they find out might not look so good...
I dunno what to say.. you don't want to run off or be disowned (who does) and you don't exactly wanna open up to your beliefs (fear of being disowned).
have they told you not to speak to him, other than your bro?
just thought of something....
Was just thinking,
Sounds like it was tough getting him accept, i.e. diff race. Eventually they accepted.
They seek guidance from say a sheikh? Right? like most people cos theyre the knowledge. Ever considered talking to a sheikh? Telling him he doesnt follow madhabs so they think he is a kafir? No need to label quranist or not?
Why not keep being stubborn? Youve been with him 2 years? 2 years? It took them 2 years to realise he was a kafir or a quranists thats a bit worrisome?
Keep being stubborn, say its not fair that i be played with emotionally and just because he dont follow a madhab (or whatever argument you want to place ) doesnt mean he is bad or i cant marry him. He is a muslim and believes in God whats the big deal?.
Keep being stubborn, dont accept their requests, stick to being stubborn like you stuck to accepting him initially. Hopefully theyd give in but i hope he wont be arrogant and show no respect because that may make things worse. I hope he is sensitive to your side of the picture because it is definitely emotionally and mentally draining.
I feel for ya sis, all the best. God help you
peace
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peace,
I dont have much to add to what has been said in the above posts, but you could consider an alternative approach...
You could say to them if they can prove beyond doubt that to marry someone who believes in God and lives by The Quran is wrong according to The Quran then you will not marry him. See what happens. We could provide support if the challenge was undertaken.
Or I think you could make your fiancee's views more palatable to them. You could imply that your fiancee follows the Mutazilite school of thought, and restricts use of traditional hadith. Or if he prays in the traditional manner, you could say he favours the living sunna. These views can be found in early Muslim history, so still within the fold of "Islam" perhaps.
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hi
third option if they dont listen to Quran, fight hadithian with hadith.
I think you can find a couple of good hadith to support you and close their mouth.
do they have any hadith which tell that you cant marry a Quran alone thinker? (maybe they better to start write some ))
does someone who believe in Quran is Moshrek or Kafer? what is wrong with people?!and last thing, you are in the right path so insist on it. and think about after the marriage too.
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My disbelief into the fact is that when was following Allah's words over the prophets is being a non-muslim? Marry your fiance and love and cherish your family,if the do not accept it,live your life happily.At least you tried from your side.P.S Ask them who they worship and what is Allah's Book of guidance and law
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hi peace all.
typically i have found myself in a reallly awkward predicament( and your advice and opinions would be verry useful.
so im set to be married in december, my fiance introduced me to following the Quran alone and alh ive believed in this for the last two years. my family is verry sunni and i havnt told them yet, the plan was to wait till i was independent and married to tell them.
on friday my big brother found a copy of the message (the literal translation of the Quran) book in my room, had a heart attack and interrogated me. he now knows my fiance is 'quran only' and says i cant marry him and he'll tell my mum.
at this point so far he only knows im leaning towards it. as far as he's concerned to believe in this is to forsake isalm and no sister of his will marry a non muslim or 'become' a non muslim (
i have two options, both suck big time- dont tell them what i believe yet (meaning i will never get marry to my fiance )
- do tell them i agree with it ( i'll be disowned and kicked out)
please if you can think up a 3rd nicer option let me know. in the mean time i'll be debating with my brother trying to get him to understand this. so far he says they only way he'll be convinced is if a credible sheykh affirms my belief. i wont hold my breath...
he's a great guy and brother and i know all this is out of love which i respect and i post this only to get other opinions not to cuss his. so suggestions which are compassionate to all would be appreciated
thanks
As salamu alaykum,
with all due Respect.May God Bless you and your future husband and guide you The Right Path and grand you Paradise.
InshaAllah. God willing.Sister, I think/believe that you should not tell them what you already know will cause a specific reaction that will harm you or your feelings, that will cause a problem between you and your future husband. I mean, seek God for more Wisdom and to increase your Strength, Patience and knowledge, God willing. I'll ask God to help you, God willing.
First get married to the man that you love and who loves you, God willing.
Second make sure you have an accomodation of your own, God willing.
Third make sure you have an income, to support yourself, be independent, God willing.
Fourth you do not have to advertise your belief, if you know there is an obstacle.This is what I do.
I live my life according to The Qur'an.
I interact with sunnis, muslims, christians and atheists as well.
I go by The Qur'an best to my knowledge, Thank God.
When they discover that I'm not doing something that traditional muslims are doing, they start asking me and then and only then I answer in such a way that I prepare the verse from The Qur'an. If they - for example - see me pray, they see that my hands are along my body, that I don't point my finger to the sky nor that I give salaams to either sides, they ask me why. I respond that it is not in The Qur'an.
When they (sunnis) ask me about sunnah and hadeeth, I give them the verses,
7185,
316,
3923,
456,
5234,
6844,
7750,
Also, 6836-38, 69 40-47, 6114, .... and so on, etc.But this sort of conversation arises ONLY, only after I have my freedom, accomodation, income, secure place, where I can hide in case my life would be in danger and Thank God it is not. I'm always grateful to God for being alive and healthy after all this.
May God bless you both and give you The Best guidance, InshaAllah and may God both reward you with Paradises. InshaAllah.
Take care and keep up the prayers, sis.Peace be upon you.
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Christians are the peoples of book Quranist are Kafir. elektro
Any sunny and Shia can marry a Christian but they cannot marry a quranist. D
A mushrik can marry a mushrik not QuranistPeace,
Respect.Come on, let's be helpful.
I say we bring more reasonable sunnis to this forum and even more non-partial observers.
Just a thought.Glory be to God.
Peace. peace
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woah i need to be on here more, im surprised at how many replies ive received in such a short period of time. thank you all i really am taking them all in.
im going to address a few of the questions.
Such a tough situation something i envision upon myself.
mind if i ask a few questions..
feel freehow strict are your parents?
so your bro interrogated you and basically you let out your fiance is quranic so he is gonna black mail you if you continue the relationship with him?Though your parents have approved of him? (before knowing this)
parents are pretty strict! and very 'islamic'
he's never going to let it happen while he still thinks like this, he will tell everyone he says.
and my family approval for the past two years has been half hearted, they already thought hes not 'islamic' enough coz he didnt grow his beard or go to lectures. having this on top of it ruins everything.option 2 do you really think they will disown you and kick you out and never speak to you again? how independent are you.. I mean they may use it as a threat because they know you wouldn't.
hmm not too sure but it is more than likely. not speaking to me for over a year coz hes asian seems extreme being not muslim in their eyes could evoke any over the top reaction.
independence wise i will be okay, and i can easily move in with my fiancee. the only thing is i dont want to lose my family, i have to try be sensitive to everyone involved.Have you considered talking to someone in the community who likes the guy and knows your parents?
but if your family dunno why not kinda bluff it? like say he is a muslim that doesn't follow a madhab? (that's plausible not exactly lying) then again when you get married and they find out might not look so good...
have they told you not to speak to him, other than your bro?
my brother has a sheikh he loves i think i might go meet him and see if i can get him to understand. its not likely though hes a leading sufi sheikh for him its all about loving the prophet s
bluffing it wont cut it, it has to be sunni or nothing else sonly my brother knows, if others did id be forbidden to see or talk to him
Why not keep being stubborn? You?ve been with him 2 years? 2 years? It took them 2 years to realise he was a ?kafir? or a ?quranists? that?s a bit worrisome?
Keep being stubborn, say it?s not fair that i be played with emotionally and just because he don?t follow a madhab (or whatever argument you want to place ) doesn?t mean he is bad or i can?t marry him. He is a muslim and believes in God what?s the big deal?.
I feel for ya sis, all the best. God help you
peace
stubborn so far has worked. i think its a goodish option so far. thanks sis im gna try be optimistic inshallah it'll work out.
I can grow long beard, and we can tell your brother that I am a sheykh.
haha i was considering doing the same....i could be convincing
Obour thanks i think thats a great 3rd option! i've never heard of a hadith thats anti quran.
Wakas i think the challenge would be useful but knowing how he thinks a quran challenge wouldnt cut it...what a shame
Christians are the peoples of book Quranist are Kafir. elektro
Any sunny and Shia can marry a Christian but they cannot marry a quranist. D
A mushrik can marry a mushrik not Quranistfunny its so true! i might have to quote you
What "race" are you BTW. D
im a tryathlon race coz i is a trooper! muscle.... im also somali btw
I pray that Allah helps you.
thank you
from reading these quotes and going crazy over thinking everything im leaning to being honest... this is a massive test and its spun life out of balance but i should roll with it and put my faith in God. im safe and will be secure. my love for my family is getting in the way but pretending to believe something wrong wont mean they love the real me.*
** this is how i feel right now.... ;s this might change -\ hmm
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Salaam Sister,
Your circumstances are indeed difficult, but I'm sure you can overcome them if you are patient. Anyway, everyone has given you a lot of good advises, and I guess I'll contribute a little bit to the discussion.
I am actually curious if your parents will really kick you out, or even disown you if they find out that you are following the Qur'aan alone? I mean, they are your parents and I'd like to think positively that in the end, they will find it in their hearts that they accept you, no matter what your belief system is. If they turn hostile towards you, keep trying to win their hearts. Show your love, respect and compassion towards them nonetheless. If the first day fails, try the next day, and the next day, and the next day. I know it must be emotionally draining for you, but God willing, you'll be successful.
On the other hand, you have to work it out with your fiance. If you really love each other, then you two have to work together. Ask your fiance to talk to your family, and "prove his worth". That beyond all this labelling, he is a true muslim within and your parents will see that in him. I think what you need to emphasise is that you two are believers of God, and that Islam is not just a religion that you have inherited from your family. That there is a point of no return since this is what you see as the Truth. Eventually, sooner or later, you have to tell your family about your beliefs as you cannot keep pretending to be what you are not. You know what? You may actually make too much assumption. Maybe they won't be too enraged upon finding the truth about you. Maybe it is just you being too cautious and scared. I too have felt the same in the past; I was petrified that I would lose my friends and my relatives if they ever found out I am not a Sunni. But in the end, none of them reacted negatively and fully accepted what I believe. Anyway, when the time comes for you to "come out", make sure that you go through the discussion peacefully. Do not offend their beliefs by stating the absurdities of hadiths, criticising the way Sunnis practice Islam, etc because they will be extremely defensive, and everything will only bitter. Rather, tell them about what you feel about Qur'aan-based Islam, what is so appealing about it. How does it make you feel to follow the Qur'an? How has it changed you, inside and out? The key is to show sincerity and conviction in Islam, without appearing arrogant. Do not raise arguments to prove them wrong, but rather, to shed light on the Truth.
One thing to keep in mind about your relationship with your fiance. Love is such a wonderful thing and it is one of the greatest blessings and gifts from God. You are very fortunate, that you have to capicity to love and be loved by someone who believes the same way that you do. Your life, God willing, will be wonderful and rewarding because you will be able to take the relationship to the spiritual level. It is something that not many couples can achieve. Many seem to be content with physical, intellectual, and emotional connection. Not that nothing is wrong with it, but you have the opportunity to take it beyond, Sis. It will be very fulfilling to be able to implement the Deen and strive in the path of God with your loved one, your other half. My advice right now, is to stay strong and do not let your fiance go because of the fear of upsetting your parents. Because if you do, you may regret it in the future where you keep asking yourself what if?
Stay strong, and do not let this obstacle overcome you. Keep striving to become a better muslim, regardless how it turns out. In the end, this is your life. If you cannot please both sides, do what makes you feel happy and peaceful. That's all I can say, really.
May safety and peace be upon you, Sis. Always.
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Just some thoughts..
your bro hasn?t told anyone so he is given you empty threats?Parents are strict and very Islamic, any lectures recently about not everything is in the size of the beard?
I know that they don?t like the idea of him with no beard not attending lectures, but is his mannerism good with your parents? I mean if you continually positively reinforce the ?good Islamic? stuff it?ll make them think positively. Throw in a few hadiths if you have to.. like the greatest thing that takes a believer to heaven is not their beard, nor theyre prayer but their akhlaq ? etiquettes/mannerism/behaviour. Reinforce the good till it?s like a broken record. keep telling a kid he is stupid s/he?d believe it... same kinda concept.
Hmm yeh for sure a quranist would shock them and instantly theyd prob refuse to speak to him or let him have any contact with you. But you gotta be aware that its a possibility your bro or someone who knows will spill the beans so if that happens you gotta be strong.. if they threaten you even if it makes you wanna crumble inside i guess you gotta not show it.
I like the comment i think wakas said, if they can show you anywhere in the Quran where it?s haram to marry someone who follows the quran you?d be glad to leave him.. i know they may argue he doesn?t follow the sunnah a mumin/believer does. But then i guess you?ll get into a what is sunnah argument...
Most likely the min he is exposed so will you unless you stay undercover. then what would happen? they may try find suitors to fit the criteria of who they think you are.
No one wants to lose their fam, i hear ya. You gotta rationalise with them somehow..
Your bro loves a sufi sheikj? That?s odd i mean unless your family is sufi. I?d suggest talking to him but not divulging everything. Test water because he might be a sheikh that knows your bro and is pleased with him and because of that trust might be more inclined to follow what he wants rather than truth only reason i say this is because i had such a situation happen to me..
Is it wrong to love the prophet? Anyway i get what you mean. I think you should talk to the sheikh to see his bias. Tell him your bro is giving you grief about your fianc? calling him a kafir and its been such a tough time for you. i.e. took your family a year to start speaking to you because of him, dislike him because he is asian.. throw in some Quran 4913 i think.. if he isn?t racist might be good.
Has to be sunni nothing else.. i?d be arguing that Sufism isn?t ?pure? sunnism if my bro was claiming he had to be like that..
BTW another option could be getting married earlier?
Kheir inshallah
Peace
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I've never understood why people think being a free muslim is disowning religion.I guess they are brain-washed my hundreds of years of baseless books and traditions.Remember brother,Allah is more important than anyone,and your happiness is very important.Do not please your parents,you will only suffer.Always love and care for your family,but do not fall into any of their traps(emotional blackmail,giving you stories about the prophet).I hope you the best in life.Peace
