The Muslim Woman/Non-Muslim Man Question (From The Non-Muslim Man)
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Hi. I'm the non-Muslim man you all hear so much about.
I could be Christian, or Jewish, or Buddhist, or Pastafarian. As it turns out, "Theist" fits me quite nicely.
My story starts like about 20% of Americans these days I met a woman online. We talked through the site's email during one of those "free weekends" that keep getting offered. Before the weekend wound down, we'd swapped emails and IM names. We talked all hours like water rolling down a mountain.
Within a month, we met face to face. We were quite companionable. The effortless conversations we had online continued in person, and they were just as scintillating and engaging, which is no mean feat. A month or so after that, we knew we wanted to get married. I'm older, I've been around the block a few times, and I can tell the difference between a passing fancy and the genuine article when it comes to love. And this is rare stuff indeed.
I met her mom, and it was an unmitigated disaster. I think there were a lot of assumptions, on both sides. I don't know offhand what more I could have done, but I can say that I unintentionally freaked her mom out, not in my appearance but in my presence. I get the feeling it's much like saying what you would do if you were to meet a T.rex and then turning around to find one had been standing behind you the whole time. Easy to say how you'd handle it in the abstract, a lot harder to do when you're in arm's reach.
Since then, I've been killing myself trying not just to answer the same questions that so many here ask about my situation, but to try to find an authority that I can not only ask the questions but receive a blessing from which her folks would find suitable. A part of me rather resents the search, because I genuinely believe we're not doing anything wrong feeling the way we do much less wanting to get married, but if it keeps her folks off our backs and puts her mind and spirit at ease, it's worth doing. It'd be so much easier if a note showed up in my mailbox one day that went something like this
To Whom It May Concern,
You're good. Go get married, you crazy kids.
--GodP.S. Save Me a slice of cake. Thanks.
Am I going to convert? No, not because I'm obstinate or because I don't care, but because God has not called me to do so. To some, that means I'm godless, or worse. To others, I might already be Muslim, not by declaration but by action and philosophy and mindset. In point of fact, this was one of the things that my beloved initially found, and still finds, attractive.
Am I going to make her convert? Of course not. If Islam is less of a religion and more of a system of thought grounded in empiricism, then there's nothing for her to convert to, since she's already there.
What about the rights of a Muslim woman? Those things like being able to work, being able to pray, there's not a single one of them that I would make any effort to stop or even interfere with. I'd be actively helping whenever possible. I suppose there's a part of me that wants to slide the adjective "natural" in front of "rights," the sort of thing a bunch of rich white guys on the East Coast started a revolution over a couple centuries back.
All you nice folks that ask the question who go to the mosque regularly, who are on friendly terms with your imams, I rather envy you. You have a point of contact and a history that those outside the community do not have and could seriously use. 'Course, there's always the risk that your local imam will tell you one thing if you're a woman and another thing if you're a man, and that's something that I would find unfortunate.
What do I believe? I believe God put my beloved and I in each other's path, not to serve as a cautionary tale of how wrong it is but as an example of how you can do it right. I believe I shouldn't have to justify my feelings to any man or woman outside of my beloved and myself. I believe two adults of sound mind and deeply held love should not be treated as pariahs because that connection defies the smug and comfortably held assumptions of other people. I believe that I could use a helping hand or two, because she's scared to death that some imam is going to say we can't marry and I'm scared that I'm going to freak said imam out much like I did her mom, which will then lead to him saying we can't marry.
I won't say it's harder to answer the question when you're a non-Muslim guy, just a different kind of hard. But we could all use some help getting the answer.
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Hi Acubens
I can vividly imagine the tribulation the 2 of you must be going through and I empathize with you. God does tell us, in the Quraan that a believing woman should marry a believing man, so a good start would be for you to read the Book, in order to qualify for yourself what a believing man is, and also to find out if perhaps you already are such a man, or if you could become one without violating your principles. I was once a very aggressive Atheist and it only took three pages of reading the Quraan to convert me. You being a Theist should only need a page and a half to arrive where I arrived ;D. I wish both of you guidance and wisdom from the Most Merciful, Who knows our innermost reaches. pr Btw. I also met my wife on the internet and had this instant connection, which is an excellent basis for a rewarding marriage. ;D -
Hi Acubens
I can vividly imagine the tribulation the 2 of you must be going through and I empathize with you. God does tell us, in the Quraan that a believing woman should marry a believing man, so a good start would be for you to read the Book, in order to qualify for yourself what a believing man is, and also to find out if perhaps you already are such a man, or if you could become one without violating your principles. I was once a very aggressive Atheist and it only took three pages of reading the Quraan to convert me. You being a Theist should only need a page and a half to arrive where I arrived ;D. I wish both of you guidance and wisdom from the Most Merciful, Who knows our innermost reaches. pr Btw. I also met my wife on the internet and had this instant connection, which is an excellent basis for a rewarding marriage. ;DHello Acubens,
welcome
I agree with GROAN. Very nicely said, MashaAllah.
mmKhan