Marriage VS Privacy
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I agree with savage carrot. Different people make different marriages.
However, if they are partners, they cannot just go and do whatever they like regardless of or without the knowledge of the other. I myself I can't just understand that you share your life with someone, doesn't have to be a spouse, and not communicate what your ideas or plans are, even if it is just a close friend you do that. Not to do it with the spouse, depending on the social customs may be emotionally imposible. How do you keep your mouth shut?
I suppose in certain societies that is normal, that you do not share certain things with the spouse, because realms are kept completely separate. In that sense I suppose that marriage is completely conditioned by social mores. If we talk about the open environment in the societies most people in the forum seem to live in, I would say that communication is fundamental. May be not share everything in life, but knowledge and acknowledgement of the other and communication are basic. Whent hat fails, everything fails.
Salaam
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I suppose in certain societies that is normal, that you do not share certain things with the spouse, because realms are kept completely separate. In that sense I suppose that marriage is completely conditioned by social mores. If we talk about the open environment in the societies most people in the forum seem to live in, I would say that communication is fundamental. May be not share everything in life, but knowledge and acknowledgement of the other and communication are basic. Whent hat fails, everything fails.
I'd say other than social mores having an effect, it has to do with a certain type as well. I've seen people who keep their 'virtual' life private for example, or other areas where they can still be their 'independent' self before marriage...or for reasons other than the kind of society they live in. There are people who don't like or want to mix different areas. Could be the personality, could be anything. Like you asked, how do they keep their mouth shut? Well, it's easy when you have a type that can compartmentalise their life in different segments. They don't feel the need to or think it's a hassle. Usually, it occurs in marriages where one or both have independent lives/spheres even after marriage due to their jobs/social circle or what have you...and one or the other/both don't want to involve each other due to conflicts, lack of interest/time etc.Personally, that's not my idea of a marriage (I'm more of a give me your soul now type) but that's not to say it doesn't work for others.
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Salam Student of Allah
because i'm married (12 years now ;D) i try to give you my opinion.
God tells us that the spouses are like garments for each other. If we analyze this verse a bit closer, and reflect about what clothes mean, we come closer to the ideal of marriage. Our clothes protect us, are functional, beautiful, are a part of our personality that envelop us, give us a good feeling ...
So should be the marriage too and our relationship . This goal is of course not achieved over night and it certainly costs much effort and we must be willing to make compromises, to come to this ideal a little closer. People may love each other and so be close to have exactly the same views, but is expected to be difficult.
Certainly easier to find a common consensus if the cultural background is the same.In our time the Religious Background plays also an important role.
To answer your example, the example with the dog personal feelings can play an important role so we should respect the other side, in my opinion. On the other hand,there are illogical religious prohibitions that are practiced that have nothing to do with God. Especially in case of dogs as we all know. It always takes a little wisdom to handle with such situations.
In general, I think if you're married, you are limited on the one hand, simply because you are not longer alone, on the other hand, you win of course a lot of togetherness. This life is never complete, always the rose will have thorns.
i don't know, if i answer your question ;D just i hope it. Peace -
Mirjamnur, has already gone through some very important points and I would certainly second them, especially the point about being garments unto our spouses. I never quite understood what an apt description that was until recently. Well, the first thing you need to do with a garment is see if it is fit for the purpose for which you require it. You must also make sure you like the look of it, but that's not THE most important thing. You must then make sure it is suited to you. So, if you like to get dirty-avoid white. If you're allergic to man made fabrics, steer clear of the acrylics and go for the cotton or wool. Next, make sure it fits! Now, this doesn't necessarily mean you need to go the whole hog and get down and dirty. By this I mean, try it on and get a "feel" for it. Whilst you're doing this make sure it has all the practical qualities you need. Is it long lasting? What you must never ever do is buy something hoping to fit into it! Chances are that will end up being a very disappointing illusion. You're either going to stretch it or burst it at it's seams, or you're going to have it hanging off you. In either case, it won't complement you. If you have the propensity to sport a rather large behind, then beware of this, don't kid yourself, acknowlege it and either accept it or take practical steps to counter it. Choose accordingly. If you are not able to objectively look at your characteristics, needs and wants to some degree, then how can you work successfully in a relationship. I think the first step is to be aware of your ownself and then decide what type of a partner would most suit you. Once you have done this, I think that's half the battle. Your partner will complement you, you will complement your partner and you'll both understand each other. After that I think you have to compromise, be honest and communicate. Having a dog, etc., I think this is where communication, honesty and compromise come in. You now make decisions jointly, which are best for the family unit. This is the self-awareness bit a
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nd choosing according to your character. I would assume if you've done that, it makes things easier in the duration. I would assume, but as you all know, I am not anyone's better half as yet! I also think it is important not to lose your identity as an individual-make time for yourself, go out with your friends, continue building model aircrafts. As for not telling your partner what you're doing that day, well, I would assume that comes with the territory of marriage. It is hardly a major thing, you just have to adjust and compromise when you're a unit. You sometimes have to put yourself in your partner's position. Anyway, I will stop there. I am sat in a cafe typing on a phone and there is a couple sat opposite me arguing. How apt. Wedded bliss, eh! And my chain of thought in this post has gone completely out of the window!
Salaam.
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Salaam,
Well! After reading all replies till now and after rereading main questions I understand that the questions are narrowed down and does not cover the whole marriage life. So, I decided to give my opinion in a different way.
Necessary points to be remembered.
1- Talk to your partner in detail about everything before marriage to check compatibility, this is very much necessary.
2- When you decided to get married then make it sure that you partner is a monotheist as we are not allowed to marry polytheists.
3- As mirjamnur pointed out, husband and wife are libaas to each other you may understand how close they are.
Based on these points they can live like friends, very close friends, then I don't think there is anything left that we don't like to share with our partner. As per human nature we cannot keep hiding everything into ourselves, we may need to share with someone to get easy and relax. Here comes the role of partner because friends are friends until one single fight, then everything is over, but partner is partner until water goes beyond your nose. There is surely a difference, so whom do you prefer to share with?
I believe except something bad that we wanted to do or done can only be hide with out partner otherwise I don't see any reason.
And if we wanted to live a peaceful life then they both have to compromise in some areas as they come from different cultures, etc. It will take time to understand each other properly and develop love between them. Hence, we should learn to ignore, forgive and compromise that will surely be a plus in our marriages, inshaAllah.
We face problems when we go against the aayaats of AlQuraan otherwise everything will be alright. We should not forget that our TheCreator made partners for us all.
This is how I understand. Don't know whether I gave a proper answer to your questions.
May Allah increase us in knowledge and guide us to His true path pr
mmKhan -
Peace all.
I am just wandering if people now days are married to their mobile phones/laptops... other material things.
I have been married for over three decades and I had more than my fair share of problems.Since I found out that GOD comes first, I am asking HIM advise/help... And pondering HIS word for solutions that arise within our family. The sort of problems I used to have were( Financial, social, religious,...).Having an argument used to be the normal way of communicating with each other and the children.
Now, while still having the odd problem, I am listening more, sharing more and arguing less.
I guess I am still learning.
Peace. -
Shalom Aleikhem everyone,
Thank you all for contributing.
There are different types of marriages. Depends on which one you want/get/bring about ultimately. If you want a marriage in which both are independent this way, then find someone who shares the same views I guess. No guarantees whether that will change down the line from your side or the other persons. I've seen many kinds, some in which both happily share, some in which they keep to themselves because it's better that way for whatever reason, some in which they've learnt not to ask and it's better that way for whatever reason and some in which they are in each others faces all the time.
Regardless, if you care for the person in a way other than just spousal care...you'd want to share your life with them, even the small bits. Sure, the embarrassing ones are an issue but that's what makes life interesting. There is a definite lack of independence however when you get married and compromising your unfettered life before to adjust to new territory is rather daunting...it will cause many arguments and/or discussions but eventually things settle/balance with time...or people get the hell out in a nutshell.
Peace
Hmmm... makes alot of sense.
I agree with savage carrot. Different people make different marriages.
However, if they are partners, they cannot just go and do whatever they like regardless of or without the knowledge of the other. I myself I can't just understand that you share your life with someone, doesn't have to be a spouse, and not communicate what your ideas or plans are, even if it is just a close friend you do that. Not to do it with the spouse, depending on the social customs may be emotionally imposible. How do you keep your mouth shut?
I suppose in certain societies that is normal, that you do not share certain things with the spouse, because realms are kept completely separate. In that sense I suppose that marriage is completely conditioned by social mores. If we talk about the open environment in the societies most people in the forum seem to live in, I would say that communication is fundamental. May be not share everything in life, but knowledge and acknowledgement of the other and communication are basic. Whent hat fails, everything fails.
Salaam
Well, the way you keep it shut is by simply not opening it. Do whatever you were doing and let your partner do whatever they were doing.
Salam Student of Allah
because i'm married (12 years now ;D) i try to give you my opinion.
God tells us that the spouses are like garments for each other. If we analyze this verse a bit closer, and reflect about what clothes mean, we come closer to the ideal of marriage. Our clothes protect us, are functional, beautiful, are a part of our personality that envelop us, give us a good feeling ...
So should be the marriage too and our relationship . This goal is of course not achieved over night and it certainly costs much effort and we must be willing to make compromises, to come to this ideal a little closer. People may love each other and so be close to have exactly the same views, but is expected to be difficult.
Certainly easier to find a common consensus if the cultural background is the same.In our time the Religious Background plays also an important role.
To answer your example, the example with the dog personal feelings can play an important role so we should respect the other side, in my opinion. On the other hand,there are illogical religious prohibitions that are practiced that have nothing to do with God. Especially in case of dogs as we all know. It always takes a little wisdom to handle with such situations.
In general, I think if you're married, you are limited on the one hand, simply because you are not longer alone, on the other hand, you win of course a lot of togetherness. This life is never complete, always the rose will have thorns.
i don't know, if i answer your question ;D just i hope it. PeaceWhat if my interpretation was that , my partner will be like my clothe, which I will through away and get a new one soon and the cycle continues. OFCOURSE I am kidding. lol... I was not talking about religious issues when I cited the example of a dog, you can assume I am talking about personal preferences not religious obligations. Thank you for sharing so much of your thoughts.
After that I think you have to compromise, be honest and communicate. Having a dog, etc., I think this is where communication, honesty and compromise come in. You now make decisions jointly, which are best for the family unit. This is the self-awareness bit a
Joint decisions ? well, that was what I was lobbying against in the first place But I do understand that living with a non cooperative individual will be more like imprisonment than a marriage
Peace be on you
---------------------------- Student of Allah -
Shalom Aleikhem Khan,
Salaam,
Well! After reading all replies till now and after rereading main questions I understand that the questions are narrowed down and does not cover the whole marriage life. So, I decided to give my opinion in a different way.
Necessary points to be remembered.
1- Talk to your partner in detail about everything before marriage to check compatibility, this is very much necessary.
2- When you decided to get married then make it sure that you partner is a monotheist as we are not allowed to marry polytheists.
3- As mirjamnur pointed out, husband and wife are libaas to each other you may understand how close they are.
Based on these points they can live like friends, very close friends, then I don't think there is anything left that we don't like to share with our partner. As per human nature we cannot keep hiding everything into ourselves, we may need to share with someone to get easy and relax. Here comes the role of partner because friends are friends until one single fight, then everything is over, but partner is partner until water goes beyond your nose. There is surely a difference, so whom do you prefer to share with?
I believe except something bad that we wanted to do or done can only be hide with out partner otherwise I don't see any reason.
And if we wanted to live a peaceful life then they both have to compromise in some areas as they come from different cultures, etc. It will take time to understand each other properly and develop love between them. Hence, we should learn to ignore, forgive and compromise that will surely be a plus in our marriages, inshaAllah.
We face problems when we go against the aayaats of AlQuraan otherwise everything will be alright. We should not forget that our TheCreator made partners for us all.
This is how I understand. Don't know whether I gave a proper answer to your questions. )
May Allah increase us in knowledge and guide us to His true path pr
mmKhanSo it keeps coming back, compromise and compromise. Ok. Thanks for sharing your views.
Peace all.
I am just wandering if people now days are married to their mobile phones/laptops... other material things.
I have been married for over three decades and I had more than my fair share of problems.Since I found out that GOD comes first, I am asking HIM advise/help... And pondering HIS word for solutions that arise within our family. The sort of problems I used to have were( Financial, social, religious,...).Having an argument used to be the normal way of communicating with each other and the children.
Now, while still having the odd problem, I am listening more, sharing more and arguing less.
I guess I am still learning.
Peace.You could consider me "married to myself".
Peace
------------ Student of Allah