I'm still confused :(

Tigress

Salam to MissDee and Salam to the readers of this lovely forum and outlet that I am so grateful I stumbled across!
Or perhaps Allah (swt) directed me here. I've been snooping around for a couple of days on this forum and was going to post my own thread about how I was feeling but I think MissDees title sums it up perfectly! I have read this thread and many points were explained --thank you to those people--.

I would like to piggyback on this thread,,well I live in the Midwest of the United States and have been studying Islam on and off for nearly 5 years after meeting my best friend online, who is Syrian, about 6 years ago. (anyone reading this can you please include Syria in your prayers from all the awful things that are happening there...and everything is getting so bad so prayers are needed, thank you)

I grew up Christian but never really was into the whole church thing and being engulfed by the Holy Spirit and screaming and shouting and taking communion and all of that. However I've always wanted to understand God (swt) more and understand what I needed to do to win His approval. I just graduated college and during my early 20s, I am now 24, I visited many demoninational churches including Catholic, Prostestant, Apostolic, Baptist.

Even when I was young (8,9,10) and was being "saved" I NEVER understood how Jesus' death (pbuh) could reconcile every sin I ever committed or was ever going to commit or how Jesus (pbuh) could be God and man at the same time. So from an early age, this discrepancy was always in my psyche.

When I met my bestie, I had the usual, stereotypical view about Islam and muslims and so we had many deep debates and convos about all of it. After a year of these debates and convos I felt maybe there was something to Islam, so I maintained my own research since then and always used him as a reference. He is Sunni btw but I think more open-minded than most. Otherwise I do not think we would have become so close over the years.

So fast forward to 2012 and I finally decided that I am ready to convert to Islam.
I had visited a mosque for the first time in Summer 2012 and I immediately loved the atmosphere more than any church I had ever been too. The mosque in my hometown was mostly Pakistani population and people from various Arab countries and very few black muslims (which I am). So of course everyone had their cliques but everyone was friendly nonetheless. I moved to another city and the mosque I am going to now is where I took my shahada a few weeks ago.

I was soooo excited to take my shahada but very apprehensive as well. I met with a Sister at this mosque who was from a Christian convert and I sent her this email of which I will share parts of below. I think it sums up my anxieties pretty well

A lot of details in Islam I don't know the logic behind it and when I?m actually doing it I can?t seem to do it with conviction , as if I mean it, and It feels like I am just doing something to go through the motions because if I don?t I will go to hell. That is how I feel a lot of the times and I don?t mean to, but I don?t know how to fix it. So if I convert I know that feeling will persist until?I don?t know when. But I still want to convert!

I spent some time going through the khutbahs by the Imam online?and I came across one he did not too long ago that talked about Islam and doubts. And he mentioned how there is a difference between asking a question about Islam and questioning Islam. Over the past 8 months I?ve been asking a lot of questions but there are still some things I feel I am not in accord with, and as I am the kind of person who likes to know why Im doing something, I don?t want to step on toes by continuing to ask questions because I?m not getting it. But at the same time how can I practice something with conviction if I am not in accord with it? I guess that is the whole point of submitting to God.
There is a link to an Islam Q&A website and Ive noticed that, in general, the questions seem to be so nit picky, as if to live as a muslim you need to check first to make sure every little thing you do is halal or haram.

For example there was a recent question can I buy goods from non-muslim stores during the holiday season in order to benefit from discounts? I mean that is pretty extreme in my opinion. For me to convert to this religion am I going to have to watch everything I do, and run to the Imam to see if it is okay or not?

Just so you know more about me, I am a big tomboy. I have never really been into partying and going out a lot, although I have tried it just to do it. I don?t drink and I don?t like wearing tight or revealing clothes which is just in my nature?I like to be comfortable! And the most pork food I eat is hotdogs, so as far as those aspects of Islam, I don?t feel I have to make any big changes as maybe someone else would.

But at the same time I still want to enjoy life. Is it possible to follow God and still enjoy what you have? I hope it doesn?t seem like a silly question but that is something I am worried about. For example, although it is not in the Quran, Ive read that scholars say women can?t wear nail polish because it interferes with wudu. And either you have to take it off before every prayer or only wear it on the period. Ive also read (from scholars) that women can?t shape their eyebrows or dye the hair because it is changing how you are naturally. Now I love to do my nails myself---I don?t like artificial nails?so I like to keep mine nice and I like to play in polish. That?s what I do in my free time you know? And I don?t wear makeup, but I like to pluck my eyebrows . To me these are petty things that don?t even seem like they should need discussion, but yet I?ve read lengthy debates about whether you can go to hell for doing them or not. And these are just a couple of examples out of many things Ive come across over my time studying Islam. And I know in the Quran God says that he does not wish to make things difficult for us but in my view it seems like I will come across some unpractical things. I am not expecting everything to be easy, but at the same time I think religion should be applicable and practical to your life no matter what the situation.

Another issue I am having is how I perceive God seems to be different from how Islam depicts God.
You had mentioned that when I convert to Islam, God will forgive everything I?ve done and it will be like I am starting fresh. So does that mean that he doesn?t forgive me now when I ask forgiveness and repent, etc?? And from what I understand, Jitnah is earned correct? So its like a scale and all the bad things you have done are on one side and all the good things you have ever done are on the other, and whichever side has more things that?s how you are judged? But unlike Christianity, all sins are not the same, are not weighted the same? And in Islam you get rewards (which I don?t understand this concept)? But if you don?t ?for instance?do wudu God won?t accept your prayer?or if you break fast God doesn?t accept your prayers? These things I am struggling to understand. But there are some things that if you do you are guaranteed Jitnah?such as dying in Jihad or bringing someone to Islam?

And Ive read that in Islam all prophets are the same and all were just men (as we talked about), but then why does Muhammad, subhana watalah, get more attention? I mean he is mentioned specially in salat and is always mentioned. If he is no more special than any other of the prophets, why is he always referenced by name? Why is that not considered idolatry of him if he is put on a pedestal?

So that is how I was feeling immediately going into my shahada and immediately after I felt like I had made a mistake and wasn't going to be up to keep this up--I was pretty much in tears for some days.

For example the sister that I sent this email do was trying to direct me on how to do things. I remember her asking me (in a very nice way) if I did not know how to tie my hijab? I simply had a scarf on my head tied to the back, along with a large cowl neck sweater to cover my neck as well as a big shawl. I said yes I did but I prefer to wear it this way. She said, oh well you cannot have any of your awrah showing, we do not want to entice the brothers, and to pray you must be completely covered. See here, your ears cannot show (and she pointed to a quarter inch of the bottom of my earlobe showing wear my scarf had shifted).

Keep in mind the brothers are in the next room and have totally separate entrance, so really you can go to the masjid and leave and never encounter one. And as I described my dress that day I also had on loose pants and a long overcoat to my knees. So in my opinion I was pretty covered. My immediate thoughts at her statements were if a brother was looking that hard to spot something then shame on him! And what do the brothers do as soon as they step out of the masjid and into the world where an uncovered neck or a loose strand of hair is the least of their worries??

I know she was trying to help but I immediately felt uncomfortable (and this instance happened right after my shahada?you could probably understand the ?what did I get myself into sentiment?. I would also like to say that I have a very strong tie to west African culture as my dad is from there, and as you may know, African woman wear headdresses and headwraps all the time as a part of cultural attire?and I LOVE them. So I have no issues with covering my hair, because I did it before I was muslim. However I just do not see the direct link between ?what is apparent thereof? to consist of face and hands. ?Modesty? and ?bosom? is clear to me but ?apparent thereof? is not specific in the least. Can a scarf be an accessory to my modest attire? Yes sure! But without it am losing my salvation and opportunity for Jinnah? I do not think so.

Another example is that this sister was explaining to me gushl and wudu and prayer. She told me of stepping in to the bathroom on a such a foot and stepping out on another, always stating your intention, bathing your right side first then your left, doing everything 3 times, doing everything in the correct order, and man I tell you my head was spinning at the end of it from just knowing the do?s and don?ts (and keep in mind Ive read about gushl and wudu many many time so I knew it! So I thought) I mean in my head if I am doing all of this extra stuff, I feel like I lose the meaning of what I am doing and why I am doing it in the first place which is suppose to be for God (swt)! That?s how I feel about a lot of the ?details? in Islam. There are so many details , it is impossible to find the Islam. But these just aren?t regular details, oh no, these are details that if missed are a sin and you will be cursed and damned and helled and everything else.

Basically as I said the big picture of Islam I get. And as I have read the Quran, I understand how it is the perfect religion..ideally anyway. I mean usually when I read things,,, and one Muslim (usually a scholar or well versed in the Quran/Hadith) tries to explain something to another Muslim?it goes like, well this is what God (swt) has to say and this is was Muhamad did (pbuh) so what you are doing is not correct. If you do not want to accept this then fine, but God (swt) will judge you so be wary!! I?ve noticed that the person doing the explaining always seems, somehow, personally offended, if the person they are giving advice to disagrees or naysays what they have declared! Gee,,if God is going to be judging me why are you getting so upset??

Oh and I love the argument when people ask questions, say about hijab, and the response is ?well you should just say you are not ready to wear it instead of trying to find an excuse in the Quran to make it permissible and satisfy your desires. You should not lead others astray with your opinion.?
Why does a student of Islam, who asks a question, is usually met with them wanting to find a way out of something that has obviously been stated as final by God (swt)?I mean perhaps that student honestly does not understand and the usual explainations given does not make sense to them. I mean in the classroom when a student does not understand, the professor will try to explain it a different way, and work with the student, not criticize you and guilt you then send you on your way.

I have felt this way and honestly I really do not want to go to my Imam and ask anything, because I know what the outcome will be, so what is the point? For a moment I really felt like maybe I am just doing things wrong and this must be the right way if pretty much all Muslims do it as such. But inside I really feel self-conscious and weird and I do not know why. I feel as if I was able to leave Christianity because I asked questions and I went against the norm, so how in the world can I go to a new religion and not ask questions and just go with what is spoon-fed to me? I feel as if I am going into another trap.
That is only nutshell of my anxieties, thanks for reading all!
As one person who made a reply in this thread said, there should be a calm feeling at all times with God (swt) and I do not feel that as much as I should be confused

noshirk

Salaam Tigress

You said that you are confused and i hope that you will take your time to find the truth.
I think that the main danger for one who is searching for God, is to quit a human group for another, to change priests for others and to change rituals for others.
Searching in what human group God is hidden can leads to never find him.

May God help you.
Peace

MissDee

Salam Tigress,

Thank you for adding more information and questions to this thread, hopefully you can find a better understanding, as well as I (Insha'Allah). I grew up with the whole Catholic experience, with communion, confessions, and all of that too, so I kind of get where your coming from. My facebook friend that introduced me to Islam, while I was searching religion, is from Palestine. May God bring blessings to both Palestine and Syria.

I feel we have much in common, as I'm also 24 years old. I'm still a bit confused about the way one must pray, and if wudu is really necessary step by step as you mentioned. All I know is that were suppose to face the Qibla. I've seen videos of people showing you how to pray, but they all seem to have their own style, even among the Qu'ran-only Muslims, though the differences aren't that big. Ever since I've gotten into Islam I cut a few bad habits like drinking, smoking, more moderate dress, and I never really ate pork either. I've had a few discussions with my Muslim friends about Hijab (headscarf), and it always ends with them saying, hopefully one day you wear it. Then they send me videos on debates about Hijab, where mostly the pro-Hijab Muslims win. One of them told me, "it's better for you and God says it in the Qu'ran". I do cover my chest and neck with scarves, just not my hair. I view the veil as something cultural, maybe I'm wrong, and if I am may God forgive me. Also may God guide us both and keep us on the right path.

Thank you for your input.

Joe_Betik

Salam all,

Perhaps I must add that though I have different personal comprehensions regarding salat, siyam, ramadhan, hajj, umrah, etc., I had never asked anyone to follow me. I have never asked people to change their daily routines, or stop people from performing the salat, siyam, ramadhan, hajj, umrah, etc., that they have gathered in understanding. I would never ask people to stop doing what they thought to be the right things to do.

But I would undoubtedly urge people to correct their relationship/bond/contact with God.

So, continue doing what you have gathered to be the right thing to do but at the same time start to correct the relationship/bond/contact with God.

When you enjoy a correct relationship with God then you could always ask God about the truth of what you have been doing, like questions regarding the shahadah, 5 daily prayers, siyam, ramadhan, hajj, umrah, etc.

And please have patience and full faith in God. My questions regarding Muhammad in the shahadah in 1997 was only answered in 2004, and in a mosque before 'Friday prayers'. And a week later I stopped the '5 daily prayers'/'contact prayers'. But after that, some answers are given quite promptly.

Effectively all these are about personal experiences in becoming. We become nothing when we do nothing. Knowing or understanding does not make one. Doing does.

Perhaps I am allowed to say here that I am fortunate enough to have a few friends who are enjoying a constant connection/connectedness (read 7023) with God. They (two aged 23 years and one in his early 40s) have been relating to me of their personal experiences about everything that concerned them. They related to me regarding how God has guided them in their comprehension on God, understanding of life, studies, businesses, relationships with other people, relationship with the environment, etc. These guys used to listen to my narratives on how to establish a healthy relationship/bond with God. And they did it. For them, they are enjoying the fruits of their labor, and for me, their personal experiences confirmed the truth of what I had related to them. They are still growing into real Muslims (peacemakers), and they are very pleased with God and with their lives now. And I have none other than God to thank for their success.

So finally, do what you have to do, but never forget to correct the relationship with God. And I can assure you that in due time you will enjoy 'better days' (al-anhar) in life.

May God guide us all correctly.

Cheers!
Mohammed Noh

Bigmo

I just finished reading the Qu'ran and I sincerely believe it is the word of God. I was an Atheist before this, but something moved me to search for religion, and I found Islam (Alhamdulillah), through a facebook friend of all places . I find it rational and in tune with my personal ideas on life. Like how the rich should give to the poor, respect and love for the mother, care of the orphan, equality among races, and many more great things.

Even though I believe this is the word of God, and that Prophet Muhammad (Peace and Blessings be Upon Him) was a noble man, I still find myself confused about how to embrace this religion. The person who introduced me to Islam is Sunni, and another who aids me is also Sunni, so when I mention my desire to mainly focus on Qu'ran alone, they told me, "This isn't right, how will you pray?". They say, at least read the Hadiths and Sunnah before you dismiss them, so I'm currently doing that.

When I dare to question it like for example 40 Hadith Nawawi, Hadith 8 "I have been ordered to fight against the people until they testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allah and that Muhammad is the Messenger of Allah", I get replies like, "Oh so you just began to search Islam and you think you understand it better than the scholars?". All I'm saying is that this Hadith clearly contradicts the Qu'ran, as it states in Surah 2, Verse 256 "There shall be no compulsion in the religion. The right course has become clear from the wrong."

I hold on to the Qu'ran faithfully. These Sunni's tell me that the same people who collected the Qu'ran also collected the Hadiths, so both books can be trusted. I have no response to this, as I don't know much about the history of the Hadiths or Sunnah, but I will look into that. I find it a bit offensive they would hold the word of God equal to the word of man. I'm also wondering why they mention Prophet Muhammad (Peace and Blessings be Upon Him) and Prophet Abraham (Peace and Blessings be Upon Him) in their prayers. Isn't this some type of idol worship? Or associating partners with God? As they are including them in every prayer?

I'm so confused, but as soon as I find my way, I can finally start praying. They say if I don't include the prophets it's bad, but then I hear I'm not supposed to include them. I've been reading into this for days, and ran into this site. I hope to find some answers, if anyone is willing to help me (Insha'Allah). '(

http//ahadithstudies.wordpress.com/2010/08/29/20/

Good place to start learning about hadith debate.

Zulf