Husband and wife roles/duties
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Before getting married, I discussed the setup we'd like to adopt as a husband and wife in our relationship.
We both agreed on a more contemporary setup, being one where we will put equal effort in every aspect of our life, meaning equal financial contribution, house chores and so on.
Aspect where we couldn't achieve that, we balanced it but doing something else (i.e she's better at cooking so I look after the grocery, house work etc)
We also agreed that once she goes into maternity leave, I'll take over all the finances, which is what I've done.
Now that she's on maternity leave, we had some arguments and she brought this matter up saying using Islam to make a point, be that as a husband it is my duty to provide financially anyway as well as to look after the family.
She rubbed this on my face a few times before as well and I let it go. I now asked her what's the point of bringing this up when we clearly agreed on our arrangements and we have both been honouring them.
The reason why she brought it up was to tell me how in Islam the man has the duty of providing financially as well as looking after the family and the women doesn't have to do anything unless the man is absent, in which case she looks after the family.
I have always tried to be fair and rather than using religion to set some roles, I looked at the circumstances and thought it would be nice to have a setup where everyone does everything.
However, now that my role is to provide financially, I'd have thought that it would be her to role to look after the house primarily, and obviously, after work, I would help where I can.
I have seen clear verses in the Quran showing the role of a man when it comes to looking after the family and providing financially but I did not see clear verses about the role of a woman.
Can anyone help me understand, based on Quranic verses only, what the roles, duties are of a husband and wife?
Thank you
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Based on my Quranic studies, the default role of the husband is the breadwinner/provider for the family/household. Technically the wife does not even need to look after the children/house. Perhaps the only exception is the breastfeeding/nursing period.
But it all depends on what you mutually agreed prior to marriage (or perhaps at the start of the marriage if it was not discussed prior).So she has a point BUT what was mutually agreed upon trumps the default roles in Quran. So your position is correct in my view. If she wishes to expiate/compensate for her breaking your agreement then as you mentioned she could look after the children/house, you as provider, and you also help her when you can. That would be a fair compromise but it is open to what you both decide.
You can read what Quran says about marriage and being a maintainer here
https//misconceptions-about-islam.com/misconception.php?id=40
http//www.quran434.com/wife-beating-islam.html#part2Also I assume you are referring to Quran based islam. I dont know the position in Traditional Islam.
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Thank you Wakas
Yes, I am referring to the Quran based ruling.Based on my Quranic studies, the default role of the husband is the breadwinner/provider for the family/household. Technically the wife does not even need to look after the children/house. Perhaps the only exception is the breastfeeding/nursing period.
Agreement with her aside, is this even fair when it comes to husband and wife rights?
Women's right have been a matter for debate and controversy in Islam on the idea that they are not seen as equals.
The above is not true obviously and I always thought the Quran will be fair when it comes to being fair to both men and women.
However, if the role of a husband is clear and that of a wife is open to discussion (where based on the Quran she can do whatever she wants to) then how is this a fair setup? -
Peace NewFreeMind,
The point of the marriage is to bring peace to one another as well as to family and the community. Yes, the man has to establish himself in the land to assure all that he is able to lead his intimate family. Allah has given us guidelines to accomplish this goal. The family belongs to the man and the wife supports the husband.
(3021)
And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.To reach the point of tranquility there must be an understanding.
Affection is a person feeling of liking and caring for someone, they should endeavor help them find peace
mercy is to show compassion or forgiveness toward someone whom it is within one's power.
A husband and wife can make each other happy or unhappy by their behavior.
Siin-Kaf-Nun = to be quiet, rest/repose/dwell/lodge, inhabit, stop/still, subside. Tranquility, security, mercy, blessing. masakin - poor/destitute/weak/penniless, humble/submissive, one who is in a state of lowliness/humiliation/abasement/submissiveness, one who cannot move to earn his livelihood because of his physical/mental/financial disability. sikkin - knife, as it is cause of making still after slaughtering.
If you work together, you can accomplish much.
May God reward the two of you peace
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However, if the role of a husband is clear and that of a wife is open to discussion (where based on the Quran she can do whatever she wants to) then how is this a fair setup?
It can seem like that on the surface but I think we have to bear in mind the wider picture. Women are generally at a significant disadvantage in society and in relationships in general, e.g. burden of child bearing, periods, menopause, generally weaker physically, less job availability, discrimination, higher rates of domestic abuse / rape, and the region of Arabia during revelation was quite misogynist/discriminatory etc.
So I think what Quran is doing, in my opinion only, is to not put any set obligations upon women, which might shackle them, or men might take even more advantage of them if it were decreed etc, but to leave it open. Of course, a naturally righteous wife will happily contribute to the home environment, whether that be financially, family, chores etc and a naturally righteous husband will be happy for his wife to freely choose what their setup wishes to be, with mutual agreement being key. Some women will prefer the traditional role as homemaker, others not, or some might have a mix. -
Peace.
Equality is not easy to measure when there are different circumstances and variables that exist in nature.
Are humans not different like male and female, colour habitat,race,rich poor,...etc? What is the level start for equality to be measured?
Say you give everyone a level start ,will they stay equal?
Too many factors are in the equation of equality.
Qoran deals with this in two sections
1-Equality can never be achieved in a world of differences, competition, and test. so laws are in place in Qoran to give rights and dignity to every human being.
2- Freedom of choice is the driving force of all the existing systems of men. Many of these systems are the causes of unfairness and lack of rights to many .had GOD willed ,He could have created everyone equal and there is no need of tests or inequality or differences...But there is a good reason GOD created us humans on earth to go through the test and go through the experience of success or failure.
As humans , we are all connected together though a network of relationships like family, tribe, race, nation and connected to tasks to fulfill our responsibilities l- (Salawat-. The most important connection for our success is the connection to our creator- by choice
Men have certain qualities and women have certain qualities. our roles in society can be the same and also can be different.
Qoran says men are responsible for the women and children in the family as in general men are the bread winners. However this can also apply to the women who are bread winners in the family or to both . Qoran does not give men authority or dictatorship over the women.. things in the home run better with agreements and mutual respect.. Both have a role to play .
Qoran highlights the right of women specifically because many men in many societies restrict women s rights and oppress them.If one thinks Qoran is unfair to men or to women or to both , then ditch Qoran and try to sort out the issue by making a new agreement since the last one did not work. Both of you will have too much to loose if the relationship breaks.
Hope you can sort it out .
GOD bless you.
Peace. -
Thank you for the response brother/sisters.
I understand how the wider picture depicts a reality where women are at a disadvantage.
However, I still don't understand why this justifies having rules for men and not for women.
Granted that women have been and are at a significant disadvantage when it comes equality but a lot of these disadvantages are not applicable to women in certain side of the World.
Similarly the role of a man has changed over time as well.To give an example
It was men who were exposed to the most dangerous jobs and their life expectancy was lower.
Nowadays, men that are not exposed to that level of danger, do not go around acting like how difficult their life is.
However, if we think about maintaining a family, it has become considerably more difficult for men to maintain a family, yet the pressure and obligation of looking after the family lie solely on their income.Women have been at a considerable disadvantage but now their circumstances are not the same.
In the UK, for example, they do not face the same level of danger they did back then
Looking after the house has become easier (appliances that facilitate the job)
Child bearing has become easier and safer with the progress of science.The above is not to say that what women are going through it's easy, but it feels like that with time, the changes that have occurred in women's life are usually highlighted, mens issues are not.
In a relationship, a wife can simply use the Quran to show what the duties of a husband are but it's not accountable for anything as there are no verses in the Quran about the duties of a wife.
In the circumstances I am currently, I am committing a sin if I decide not to look after my wife and child financially, I am committing a sin if I don't look after them and the house but there's no burden/accountability on her and she'd be committing no sin if if decides not to take parts in these roles.
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If one understand that "Rijal" can sometimes mean a role, not men or women, the picture can then depict any time and place . If one rakes the role of bread winner ,he/she is the head of the family or both can take the role jointly. i.e responsibility of provision and bringing up a family.
GOD bless.
Peace. -
Women have been at a considerable disadvantage but now their circumstances are not the same.
The above is not to say that what women are going through it's easy, but it feels like that with time, the changes that have occurred in women's life are usually highlighted, mens issues are not.
If only there was dynamic guidance in Quran regarding this..... oh wait, there is!
However, if we think about maintaining a family, it has become considerably more difficult for men to maintain a family, yet the pressure and obligation of looking after the family lie solely on their income.
In a relationship, a wife can simply use the Quran to show what the duties of a husband are but it's not accountable for anything as there are no verses in the Quran about the duties of a wife.
In the circumstances I am currently, I am committing a sin if I decide not to look after my wife and child financially, I am committing a sin if I don't look after them and the house but there's no burden/accountability on her and she'd be committing no sin if if decides not to take parts in these roles.
I'm not sure if you have understood what I've said thus far. So let's try another route - can you tell us from Quran what are the Arabic words for "obligation" or "duties" and "sin" and where they appear in context with regard to the husband/wife roles - thanks. If you struggle to find such, perhaps thing will become clearer.
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Salam..
I have a concern.
Am going agaisnt the book of God and laws formulated if I fix my mind that I won't marry in my lifetime given the reasons that perfect marriage time is over and it is late and with the existing conditions of my life not even affordable for marriage life and on top of that have burden of family responsibilities...
So.. Am I without knowledge to myself or without perceiving to self violating the law.. meanwhile it is notandatoey to marry but marriage life would make sense in life and laws of God can be practiced in depth of a person is married and he would get even tested perfectly how he lives after marriage... So skipping marriage is kind of less test and not able to identify a character fully..
What's your opinion... But as of now I have completely decided I am not gonna marry and almost I lost interest in marriage life.. I feel like I am gonna sit for high school exams now when some one mock at me and say why not marry.. -
Thank you all for your contributions. I sincerely appreciate the efforts of "NewFreeMind" (the original author) and his wife in utilizing the Quran as their sole guide and generating arguments based on it. (As stated in 4344, we will be questioned about it)
(the first post)
The reason why she brought it up was to tell me how in Islam the man has the duty of providing financially as well as looking after the family and the women doesn't have to do anything unless the man is absent, in which case she looks after the family.
In my humble opinion, the bold part is incorrect, and I believe this is the main point you are questioning. If I understand correctly, you are looking for evidence from the Quran that clearly states women have responsibilities within the family, just like men.
I have just looked at the comprehensive analysis of Wakas on this page http//www.quran434.com/wife-beating-islam.html#part2
Please look at the paragraph starting with "dutiful/devout" (Arabic qanit, root Qaf-Nun-Ta), is used in The Quran to mean..."
According to verse 434, women are expected to be "obedient" to God. This role has been assigned by Allah to all wives, and interestingly, its meaning is linked to obeying every single verse of the Quran. Therefore, the claim that "women do not have to do anything" is rather naive in this regard.
One of those responsibilities is highlighted in the same Chapter of Nisa, verse 135 O you who acknowledge, stand with justice as witnesses to God, even if it is against yourselves, or the parents or the relatives...
So in your case, this verse could be a guide for your wife. She should come up with an argument about how fair her task and responsibility division proposal is. She should be ready to defend that on the Judgement Day.
That argument would be something like this 'I may not be contributing financially, but I handle the housework and take care of the kids, which is equivalent to the financial value of my husband's contributions. If I didn't exist, my husband would have to pay for these services, and they would come at a cost equivalent to...
If the contributions are not equal, perhaps you should consider compensating her for the difference (in my opinion, women should have separate budgets from the family and should do infaq from that budget), or alternatively, she could compensate you.
And, in any case, if you have concerns regarding her sensitivity in adhering to the guidance of the Quran, there are verses that address these matters and provide further guidance. As an example the Quran can speak through 64/14 in certain scenarios, as well as through the verses related to talaq(chapter 65) in others. This depends on the nature of your personal relationship with the Quran.
I understand that these opinions can be quite general and may not apply to your specific circumstances. That's exactly why the Guidance provided by Him is incredibly valuable. I think the Guidance works like this you submit and listen what It says to YOU considering YOUR specific needs then you hear(you realize some verses or somethings happen in your life...) and you say 24/51. If your understanding is not very well aligned to what He says, He provides feedback so no need to worry as long as you are there to hear it (ex. in front of the Book at night) as He does this.
I genuinely appreciate your desire to comprehend and adhere to the Guide.
