I need sincere advice.

needadvice

Salaam

I am a 22 year old Muslim and I am in need of sincere advice. I love this forum and have been a frequent visitor. I do not wish to make personal matters public, but I think this forum will be a guiding light for me in this situation, hence I am posting here.

With the grace of Allah I have found a life partner. We have made a firm commitment to each other and really respect and love each other a lot. I notified my mother of the girl within 1 week of us confessing our love and my mother has no problem with the girl.

We do not see any problems in a future marriage between us, but unfortunately due to our family circumstances at the moment, we cannot marry right now.

We both are ready for marriage and we feel that to maintain a relationship outside (even though its not physical) marriage is not appropriate. We are both mature university graduates and we understand the commitment we have made.

Sorry about the long back ground!

My essential question is this
Is it ok for me and the girl to marry each other with a Nikah, without our parents knowing and then when our parents plan out our marriage to let them know of the Nikah. The Nikah will be essentially secret, but it will entail every responsibility of a husband and wife.

Why do we want to do a Nikah?

Its not at all for sexual plesure of any sort.
Spiritually and mentally I treat her as my wife and she treats me as her husband.
We both feel moral obligation to legitimize the relationship.
We both need each other in our lives (it would take me much longer to describe why. Her support has really made me a better person in all aspects of my life).

Why can't we convince our parents to marry us or marry each other publicly without the parents consent?

We love and respect our parents and don't want to hurt them.
My parents will take this as a negative thing and both their healths are deteriorating. the shock may not be good for them. I am entering medical studies and they might think the girl will "take me away from them".
I financially support my family. Again, they might take this move in the wrong way.
I have an older brother and 2 younger sisters. I do not want to give them a wrong impression in terms of chosing life partners.

I apologize for the long message, but there is so much more I would like to describe. We have thought about this for a long time and I felt some honest advice from my brothers and sisters might help me.

We have made up our mind about a Nikah...and sincerely speaking, it was mainly so that we don't disobey the commands of Allah.

Thanks a lot.

Your brother

unknownuser

the best of luck to you brother.

You turn the question upside down. what God given right do they have to control whom you love and whom you dont. they havent godt any. the burden of proof is on them

Peace
Noah

TheNabi

Salaam,

You do not need parental consent in order to be married because of your situation. I would assume this for your g/f as well. Would your woman REALLY take you away from your parents? You should know the answer to this question and ensure your parents whether such doubts are necessary or not. You are only a man and if you make a mistake then it is not one for your siblings to get you down on. Marriage is about compromises and learning to live together and solve problems together. Whether or not you can support your family financially depends on what you plan on doing. Basically it is your duty as a husband to spend for your wife and care for her and support the family financially.

Joe

Riz

Hey,

From my experience, getting married behind your parents back would not be such a good idea. One of my older cousins did that and it caused a lot of problems and embarrassment for the parents when they found out.

I would say you should try to have some patience and get married when the time is right. Getting married without your parents knowing will might put you under a lot of stress and cause many problems afterwards.

In the end you are the only one who can analyze the situation the best and I would stronly encourage you to completly think it out before you make any decision that can't be turned back.

Peace.

Layth

Peace brother,

Fron the information you provided, I would concur with the other posts here that you do not need parental approval (neither does your future wife) since you are both mature and sane adults.

However, there is no such thing as a secret marriage in the Scripture. The marriage must be public. By this I do not mean a ceremony and wedding party, but I mean that it must be 'officialized' in the country where you reside and there must be two witnesses.

You cannot simply exchange vows and then assume you are husband and wife.

All the best to you and your future wife....May the Lord strengthen your resolve and bless your path.

khadija1

peace,

I did what you are thinking to do. First I got married in a civil service ceromony in court, no cake, no reception, none of it.. it was just me, my husband and witnesses, a little more than two years ago. Then my husband told his parents about me and they accepted me and made us do a nikkah with .. We did that. We still live separately because of several reasons (we didnt have a wedding party yet, my family doesn't know, financial reasons).. after the nikkah i found i was pregnant soon after.. and it was chaos

Going through this experience, I would not suggest this route. Things get so complicated, and there's always this feeling that even though we are married it doesnt feel like a marriage; to put bluntly, living separately when you're married sucks. my hubby still has 2-5 years until he finishes his degree. i would say things would be MUCH better and smoother in life if you got married with both your families knowing

sultana

.

Dear brother,

From Quranic point of view

Both of you fear Allah and believe in HIM alone
For Allah shall be the sole witness for the marriage between you
Your parents shall have no decision in this but to accept
A witness from both the sides may or may not be essential except for the sake of social identity
You have every obligation to do good to your parents; your 'wife to be' shall accept this
You have to get married if you fear you canot maintain the limits of being together
Nothing wrong in keeping this marriage a secret, for you want to do good to your parents
Live together until things get well

Above all this, once you have decided to get married ENTRUST YOUR WHOLE AFFAIR WITH ALLAH. For He loves those who entrust their affairs with HIM. HE is all knowing; Merciful

To conclude whatever you have written in your post is perfect and well in accordance with Quran. You are already well guided by Allah. Masha allah

May Allah Bless You, the couple

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