its difficult to cope
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peace, I am having an awful time with my family. I rejected hadith over a year ago after much research, study and most of all prayer. Finding and following the quran was like being given sight after a life time of blindness. I consider this a miracle and have had to ask myself numerous times why on earth me. but here i am and i know in my heart i can never turn away from this now, However my joy and serenity is blighted due to the way my family now view me as none muslim. It hurts so much at times it is a real physical pain. I feel like a stranger at times in my own family. My husband regulary refers to me as a christian and my Daughters who wear full hijab including the veil are distant and totally disapproving. They refuse to look at any evidence or research for themselves. They believe that i have been led astray and i am the victim of a dangerous brain washing internet group, which is totally untrue because i found the quran and guidance before i found this web site. Im finding it harder and harder to deal with their attitudes and hurtful remarks. Any conversation about Islam ends in tears, tempers and ill feeling. Im wondering if i should just leave and live alone. I don't want to do this because i love my family a lot. But i'm just so sad and having such a hard time. any words of advice or if anyone has been through any thing similar i would appreciate hearing how they managed the situation and what the outcome was. thanks for reading this post.
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Salaam Saffy,
First of all, welcome to the board
I'm really sorry to hear about your situation.
I cannot say that I've been in the same boat as you, but my friend was. She ultimately divorced her husband. When I asked her, "Was it hard?" She answered, "Of course it's hard but I just leave everything up to GOD and I'm sure everything will be alright. Even though I am now divorced and pretty much being lonely, I know this is what is best for me, even though I may not see it that way at this moment." She is a strong woman.
The first thing I realized is that I am powerless to make others realize that al-qur'an is truly perfect. GOD gave His Mercy to make my wife realize that, but not my father (not yet I hope). And yes, I know about being "different" and "lonely" just because I reject all forms of associating partners with Him. Being called kafir, murtad/apostate, christian, various residence of the zoo, sunna rejecter, astray, fool, idiot, etc. is a regular nowadays
If possible, you should meet others like you in your area. It might boast your spirit and make you feel that you are not alone. At least that was my experience. Well, virtual world such as this forum can do that, but actually meeting face-to-face beats forums anythime.
If your husband and children does not want to acknowledge GOD's words that al-qur'an is complete and detailed, then there is nothing you can do. You have done your job (i.e. deliver the message). The rest, leave it up to Him.
And, I believe that if I love someone, I will carefully watch what I say. Such as not giving hurtful remarks, especially when I haven't verified anything...
Peace and best wishes,
=adley= -
Peace
My advice to you may not be the best advice or even relevant to your situation. If you'd take a look at the story of the cave and the youths therein , walk in their shoes. Retreat from the city and do not inform them of your standing lest they seek to by force turn you back or do you harm. Walk in their midst, do not do so standing out.
You cannot make people do aught that you would have them do . Several rusul/messengers and believers lived with people who were averse to their ways . Be patient.
Joe
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peace saffy,
I think many of us are in similar situations, however your one seems to be more extreme.
Most Muslims have not read the book they apparently uphold 'al quran', thus they tend to reject it since they are not familiar with its content.
Normally, I would say try making small points, see what happens, but when you said "They refuse to look at any evidence or research for themselves." that to me is simply unacceptable.
Hence I would recommend taking a time out, reflect on your priorities, see what comes up. If you can remain with your family and still continue on your path, then that is probably best, however if your environment has become detrimental, then you may wish to consider other options.
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Peace saffy. I have been through a similiar situation to yours. Im sure many others have too. The method i have to cope,is to realise there was a time when i was of a similiar mindset,and did not entertain alternative beliefs/ideas. With time and nurturing i became more open-minded to the truth. So with people(even family.)who have different beliefs we have to be patient.I also tried to look at the factors/beliefs we had in common,eg belief in an ultimate reality(god.) ,the need for good behaviour/morals etc.. Which is a common factor between quran only and hadith methodology. I also tried not to get into emotional debates about specific issues. I tried to respect the hadiths and the differences in practical application of religion. Sometimes,to be honest,i had to keep a 'low profile' on some of my beliefs to 'keep the peace'. Ones children,partner,family etc..are very important,i would not risk a breakup, personally, because of my insistence on my belief being 100% correct. Even with quran only peole there are many differences on several basic issues. Remember many of the hadiths agree with the quran,and can be correct. Try to defuse situations by agreeing to disagree,keeping quiet, and/or compromise. In some situations we have to look at the bigger picture. I would compromise with my wife/children in many ways as long as they are not too harmful, eg i would be ok if my daughter wanted to wear hijab if she felt it was more modest for her,even if i did not feel the hijab was necessary according to the quran,also if someone wanted to kiss the black stone thats fine as long as the intention and outcome is decent. There is room for hundreds of interpretations/angles on the quran. Even hadith methodology can be correct on many issues.I took the view that i would compromise on some issues,as otherwise the children might have to go through a harmful divorce,and i think its more important to be there to bring up my kids with both parents than to agree on every issue of belief or try to get my way on every decision in the household.
If you can,try to cope with the situation by being patient,tolerant,understanding and positive.Sometimes things are very difficult at first,and then things get easier. In time(maybe next week, or maybe 5 years?) some of your family and others may come closer to your way of thinking or be more tolerant of your beliefs. If hurtful comments come your way,try to be as patient as you can. I have been like an outcast beacause of some of my religious views,but all of my family still have contact and tolerance for me.I will post some more of my experience tommorow. Take care,and try to find the best overall soloution which benefits all your family,including yourself.
peace. -
Thankyou to everyone who replied to my post. Your comments and advice have been very valuable to me. I just can't thank you all enough. Personally i don't know any one else who shares my belief in the Quran alone as a source of guidance and ruling. Enquirer i do hope i can excercise patience, and i would appreciate hearing your story. while all that my family throw at me only goes to strengthen my belief, it seems to me that the stronger my resolve the more angry my husband becomes. I do try making little comments but even the slightest of comments i make now to my husband initiates world war 3. I can't understand his anger with me following the quran. He's not a bad person, devout in salat, fasts in the month of Ramadan even though he finds it very difficult his endurance is admirable and he has been attending Hajj every year for the past six years. I think that he is much better than me which is why i question why have i been granted this guidance and he hasn't.
This contact with you guys is greatly important to me i thank ALLAH for directing me to this web site it's helped me such a lot. Although its taken me an age to pluck up the courage to post on this forum ops
I'm in the north wext of England any sisters out there in this region i would love to hear from you D
love and peace
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Peace saffy
I am sorry to hear about your situation. I just wanted to lend my support as well and make a few points.
I think you should think more highly of yourself. I am referring to the following quote
I think that he is much better than me which is why i question why have i been granted this guidance and he hasn't.
It is good to be humble but you shouldn't think your husband is much better than you. wink God determines who is better and the fact that God has rewarded your sincerity with His guidance should console you. Be happy about that, not sad! )
Remember that a person's sincerity for the truth determines whether they will be guided.
"GOD augments the guidance of those who choose to be guided. For the good deeds are eternally rewarded by your Lord, and bring far better returns." 1976
I'm sure you've experienced telling your family something about the Qur'an and them being completely blind to something which seems so crystal clear to you.
"And if you invite them to guidance, they do not hear; and you see them looking towards you, yet they do not see." 7198
I know it doesn't make things much easier but try to remember that God is the one who guides, not you or me.
"We provide the guidance." 9212
I am bringing up these verses, in a way, to show you that this is largely out of your hands. Others in this thread have given you practical advice about how to deal with your family but I think you need to hear the other side as well the "spiritual" side if you will.
Ask God for guidance, read the Qur'an (it really does provide a lot of consolation and relief), and try to be as righteous a person as you can be. When you put yourself on such a track, your faith will be strengthened and things will turn out for the best God-willing.
There are many times where I read the Qur'an and I feel as if God specifically revealed that verse just for me. I feel the revelation on a deep and fundamental level. I'm sure many of us have experienced similar feelings. I came across this verse which I think is particularly relevant to your case. Hopefully it speaks to you
"You will certainly be tested, through your money and your lives, and you will hear from those who received the scripture, and from the idol worshipers, a lot of insult. If you steadfastly persevere and lead a righteous life, this will prove the strength of your faith." 3186
Have faith that things will work out sister. God bless and peace.
wink
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Peace saffy. My story concerns my changing beliefs and how my beliefs have effected my relationships with my family and friends.
Firstly i would state that i have always been a person that tries to question traditions and find out the truth for myself. I was brought up in a muslim family(sunni type.),neither my mum or my dad are very religious,but they fast,read quran,go to hajj etc.. I was always questioning what i saw as wrong interpretations of the hadith and islam in general.I worked in a sunni bookshop and read and practised sunni islam,though i was still unsure about the role of hadith. As years went by i travelled abroad and studied arabic and came to a 'quran only' understanding. When i returned to england,some people who were my good friends before criticised me severely and said i had left islam because i didnt believe the hadith properly. I reacted by trying to prove my ideas from the quran,but they stated that the prophet and his companions could interpret the quran better than me. From being one of the more poular guys,i became like an outcast.
I reacted by developing a dislike of all people who were not 'quran only'.
However i believe this was a big,big mistake i made. Because as time went by i realised that i was behaving close mindedly just like some of my old friends,and also that 'quran only' is not the only way to get to the truth and be close to God. At that time i had many arguements with my wife about 'quran only' methodology etc..i was sure i had a more truer version of islam than the hadith method. However my wife sometimes had much better ideas on religion than me. Also things were getting hard around my family and friends because when they did things that i felt were not from the quran(eg circumcision,following the sunnah etc..) i would not join in with them,and would sometimes criticise them.Im sure you can imagine how it felt to be the only one who did not follow the sunnah in the family.... Very hard,isolating and embarrasing for me at times. I sometimes reacted harshly and my marriage,family and friendships nearly broke up on several occasions. As i studied and experienced more in life i discovered that people can find out about God from many,many sources and the quran is just one of them. I discovered that many people who believe in hadith are in fact very good and decent people,and i realised that their basic values were the same/similiar to what the quran promotes. I had been very closed minded and intolerant myself and this had created friction with my family and friends. Know i try to concern myself with the important principles of religion and those things we have in common to unite us. The bits we disagree on i try to understand and tolerate/compromise,as long as they are not too far-out or harmful. We all want some religious freedom,so we should give our family and friends some religious freedom so they can discover truths for themself and in their own time.we should also try to be tolerant and understanding of their viewpoints. By arguing and over-emphasising our own beliefs we can create friction and unhappiness,which i dont think is one of the principles of islam.(peace.) Notice how all the prophets tried to be respectful,kind and decent when talking about their religion,even when peole around them were making fun of them or calling them names. With time people may admire the fact that a person does not retaliate back with anger,arguements and name calling but instead tries to defuse the situation and promote peace.(even if the person may have to keep some of their views quiet or compromise on certain issues.) if we show patience,kindness,tolerance and understanding people who are close-minded can sometimes become open-minded.( I know of people who disliked islam and were intolerant of it,yet when islam was presented to them kindly,patiently and decently they became muslim...A good,kind approach is very,very important.) My wife and me still dont agree on certain issues of religion,but i am happy with her basic ideas and she has the freedom to do the things she want to. I look at the intention and result of what she does,i dont criticise her because i do things differently.we all have methods which work for us,and we all have different levels of understanding in our spiritual journey.With my children i encourage them to believe in god,and to love/respect all people.My wife also does this,but she also emphasises certain traditional suggestions and values. I am fine with this,as my chidren will have a broader education and different angles to look at. Tolerance and self-reflection are very,very important. Many times in the past,i was convinced i was right on an important issue and argued with my wife that she should not follow that hadith...only to discover later on that i was in fact mistaken,and she was right... I learnt to value my wifes input in religious matters,even if she did not quote directly from the quran on every point.Some hadiths agree with the quran,and i dont think anyone can dispute that point. Im soo glad i woke up and let go of my intolerance and close-mindedness. Im happy that my children have both their mother and their father to help them grow up,and different viewpoints and traditions with which to discover the world. There are many common factors in all the worlds religions;
1)belief in a supreme reality.(God.)
2) dealing with people in a kind manner.(good deeds.)
3)consequences to our actions.(good or bad.)The quran mentions that anyone who believes in god and the last day and does good deeds can be succesful.This applies whether a person is sunni,shiah,quran only,christian,jewish etc...
I hope you make a happy decision for yourself and all your family.
peace. -
Peace saffy
i read ur post before and was very touched but didn't really know what to tell you...tough situation...
But this time, i was very disturbed by one of ur sentences. Do you really think that he is much better than you ?? And why ?? Coz he prays regularly and goes to hajj every year ?? This is just his "clothing", he kind of dresses himself in what he thinks is righteousness.
Get me right, i'm not saying that he's a bad person or that ur better than him...who am i to say anything like this...
But i have the strong feeling that if there is world war 3 each time u try to discuss (as u stated), it rather means that ur husband is very much afraid. He'd rather not question , not think by himself - this sure is so much easier! His reaction doesn't sound kind to me - he could have divergent views and still listen to u and discuss calmly - couldn't he if he was such a good person ?
Anyway - i do wish u a lot of courage and steadfastness !
allah maa as- sabareen
elke
If
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salam alaykum wr wb
if anyone knows how it feels to be totally rejected by your own family it is me! I lived in my car a while then in a hotel when i first embraced islam. Now ironically since i have become a God Alone Quran ALone SUbmitter to God things have actually looked up for us my brohter talked to me after not talking to me for many years. The key is example if they see in you a positive change then inshallah they will see. all you can do is make sincere dua and pray for them that they too will find the truth. but the most important thing is acceptance. to accept that this is the truth and no matter how hard things get you have to perservere no matter what troials you go through it seems hard and it is but trying to please humans your family y wearing walking and talking liek them just to please them and not please God is worse in my opinion since ive done it I felt so fake and so alone. I know the only thing that helps me alot is reading stories of the prophets they too went through many trials people rejected even killed them. alhamdillah your alive and a true muslim. i remeber reading something in the quran during a bleek dark period of isolation and depression it said something like did you say you beleive and you would not be tested with your welath family etc. something like that. keep in mind this is a test which is more important what God thinks of you and doing the right thing that God has said or what your family thinks of you. when you think about the next life and answering for the things you have done respond to this situation as best as possible with love patience and kindness. Continue to pray for them maybe dont try to persuade them. maybe don't talk about it much try to heal the broken trust that they feel towrd you. don't forget you helped shaped them by your example and words to beleive how they do now find strength in your ability to undo what has happened and always be patient. sometimes actually many times ive cried rockin back and forth form the pain and sadness of isolation and linliness even contemplated killing myself and slicing my wrists it got so bad but in your deepest hour of darkness remeber there is night and there is day there is a separation a reminder for those who beleive. there is darkness and there is light at the end of each night the sun rises again. there is a dawn there is a new day there is hope when you have that even if you die still trying to uphold the truth you can face Allah and said I did my best to survive through this test and remeber you are not alone. the test for me the lssson i learned is that I had to love God more than my family and be willing to let them go. once i finally came to that conclusion that i would beleive in Allah even if my whole family or the whole world rejected me or hurt me i would still have to stand for justice and truth that God is who he says he is in the quran i had to kind of stand on the end of a plank like i was gonna jump off and fall in the water of the unknown. untill i was ready to take my foot and jump off into the truth alone without family friends etc untill i was willing to lose it all did i finally have then back God taught me through that test that no matter how much i love my family friends accpetance and being loved i had to Love Allah more. untill i learned that mny test was still going. Inshallah I hope that helps I can only tell my story and remind you that WITH EVERY TEST THERE IS AN EASE.. always remeber that and always remeber THERE IS SOMEONE WORSE OFF THEN YOU..maybe someone got killed for beleiving in quran alone alhamdillah your still alive to talk and speak your story and give hope and a feeling of understanding to others who have or maight be in your same situation. turn a negative into a positive and always ask God for help i told God i can not handle this on my own i need you to help me get through this I have no strength without God. Remeber dear od allows the earth to float on pure nothing ness for there is noothing he can not do for it is easy for him...trust in that and be patient and ps i drank alot of chamomile tea to deal with the depression and anxiety. inshallah i hope i helped as much as i can. may god bless you and guide your family to the right path.
love you always for the sake of allah
your sister
amanda -
Salaam Sister Amanda,
Wow! Your post was incredible! As bad as my journey has been (and still continues to be difficult), your story shows incredible courage and perseverance from which I am sure many will find inspiration for their own journey.
I hope and pray the best for you. )
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Salaam Saffy,
I can't understand his anger with me following the quran. He's not a bad person, devout in salat, fasts in the month of Ramadan even though he finds it very difficult his endurance is admirable and he has been attending Hajj every year for the past six years. I think that he is much better than me which is why i question why have i been granted this guidance and he hasn't.
I understand what you mean here, yet in my own way. I too did not understand why others got so angry when I mentioned following the Quran alone, but soon found out that their reaction is really based on what the majority will think and what the majority do. A lot of us have grown-up in Islam and have been told numerous times that it is the true religion, that Islam is the fastest growing religion in the world because everyone wants to convert to the truth etc. That reasoning for many is enough to just get on with it and look good in front of their community, but for those of us who really seek the truth of God and choose to walk that path, it becomes apparent that those who follow the majority in the way of hadith are doing something wrong. I have lost friends and now I feel ostracised from the Muslim community, but I persevere in the belief that this is God's way of testing me and giving me the opportunity to purge myself of the doubts I had and to achieve true faith.
In my experience, I know many devout traditionalists who pray five times a day, fast the whole of Ramadan, they identify themselves with all the man-made icons of Islam, yet they have never read the Quran in a language they understand. At large, they also carry themselves with a self-righteous attitude and treat others not like them with little or no respect. Every kind of religion has this kind of religious person. These, in my opinion are the proverbial 'sheep' of the religious world.
In the end, God will tell us the truth of all we did. What many of us on this forum will be able to say on the last day, is that even though it may have cost us dearly in this life, that we lived sincerely seeking God alone.
Peace be on you all,
Stitch
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Salam,
What I find really funny is that Traditional Muslims only believe in Quranic verses that do not contradict Hadith instead of the other way around. So if there is two contradicting laws between the two, they choose to follow the one that they think comes from their God, Muhammad. ;D
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Salam Dear Saffy,
Amazingly my story is very similiar to yours.
I was a traditional muslim before and lived with my husband and children.
But suddenly I found out that something was wrong in my life and how i performed my deen(religion) so i started to dig especially on internet for forums and groups about islam.
I came across one site God Alone Quran Alone on yahoo groups and it was an site of the submitters, but that site open my heart and lead me to read and ponder about Quran and its meaning.
I met new people I could didcuss my thoughts with and I started to feel happy again but the bad in this was that my husband wasn't so amused about this at all.
He warned me several times to stay away from kafir sites as he put it out hmm.
But I couldn't stay away and I got more and more involved and he became angry and frustrated when we discussed islam. He said I was brainwashed and lost.
My happiness turned to nearly depressions because i couldn't scope with that, his anger and he was judging me all the time.
So it lead to divorcion after 15 years of marriage and 5 beautiful children (
Now I'm on my own, my kids visit me 2 weekends a month they stay with their father.
I feel relived but also sad that we couldn't solve our problems we had!
I know how u must feel sister.
Take care and u are not alone!
Peace and alot of hugs
Sis Maria
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Peace everyone. I've been having a right time of it with my computer brickwall, I've been informed that i need to reinstall windows before my pc will function anything like normal again. Where do i start with that???? Being totally technophobic doesn't help. Well here i am found a net cafe down the high street. I've missed this site so much. Amanda thankyou so much for sharing with me your story. I'm just about ready to flee my home and family i really do feel like i am at the absolute end of my tether. The issues at home and the resulting damage to relationships is effecting every area of my life. Including my work. I've just had to take a week off work because i'm feeling so low and drained. Amanda your post made so much sense and it was a reminder to my heart. Spiritually ihave been drifting into very negative waters with the 'woe is me' attitude and the 'why me lord' anguish. Today Allah inspired me to take some time out of my normal busy routine and find some other way of getting online. I believe that your post Amanda is heaven sent and it's saying all the right things to me this day in my life right now. Everyone's comments are so valuable to me at this time, and i appreciate everyone who has responded to this post. I love you all, thankyou everyone. I don't know when i'll next be online insha Allah i hope i get the oppertunity to meet with you all soon.
Love and peace xxx
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Peace Saffy. Take it easy,and take care... group
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Peace be with you Saffy,i
m happy that youve shared your experience with us,but one thing youve got to remember is that progress(of the conscious or your mind)never ends,youve found this simply because your heart is open,and you were wondering why you did find all this and not your husband even though he fast,makes hajj and salaat....well,let me tell you a storyA christian priest,devoted all his life to God (at least to what he believed in),many people came and asked for his help,sometime he did help,and sometimes he didnt,because a prostitute came and asked him for help but he didnt want to,because according to him she was going to go to hell,a thief did the same thing and he also refused because again according to his belief he was going to go to hell.years passed and before his death he thought that he was going to make it to heaven,because he dedicated his whole life to God,but wen he died he saw that nothing was happening,that he was still on earth among us,so he thought he has been fooled all his life,but because he was really religious he prayed to God so that God could help him,an angel suddenly came,and the priest asked him why he wasn``t in heaven yet,the angel brought him to see what happened to the prostitute he refused to helped,in his amasement he saw that she changed and was very happy,same thing for the thief.So the priest asked the angel how come they were so happy now,the answear he got was that they had an open heart,they were open to everybody,while his fanatism closed him the door to understand the mercy of God and the love and compassion we should give to one another(wether being christian,jew,muslim....it doesnt matter).So the key to progression is to have an open mind to hear and listen to what people have to say,but in that,you use your reasoning in the best of your ability(its your choice),your family will understand somedays,so dont rush it on them every body is different some will progress faster than others while some need more time.The only advice i can give you,is to continue searching it never ends,the more your conscious will progress the more it will be hard to explain your view to others(especially for those who did not attain your level yet),but in this way some will feel stuck,like theyve finished evolving and some will only feel stronger days after days,but you should never stop,because fanatism is just behind you !!!. By the way,progress is a divine law of God,we can`t go against it,this is why the traditional muslims are loosing.Peace be with you,sister. -
Peace komla. Excellent,beautiful,and heartwarming post... sun bravo
