How to "come out of the closet" to husband about being Qur'an Alone?
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Peace,
I have recently come to the Qur'an Alone line of thinking. When I first came across the ideas, I wanted to talk to my husband about them--and so I brought up some issues, not in an argumentive fashion, but in the spirit of discussion. You see, my (sunni Arab) husband is a college professor and I'm of an intellectual bent as well, so I initially thought this was just more fodder for discussion. However, I was wrong. He blew up and yelled at me that I was a kafir (which he then rephrased) and we had a huge argument with no resolution. Anyway, we've not breeched the subject since then (early April of this year), but I've continued my research and I've become increasingly convinced of the veracity of my new position.
My question do I continue living a secret life or do I tell my husband the truth? (BTW, we've been married for 18 years and have 5 children--this has a bearing on the situation as well.) If I am to tell him, what in the world do I say? How do I say it??? Etc. etc....
I'm anxious to hear your opinions as this does bother me constantly...
Lisa
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Peace Lisa,
In my experience, the first time is usually the hardest. After that, even rocks are worn by a constant stream. I suggest bringing things up occasionally and asking for his input, he might still start being aggressive and arguing but at least you will have shared it somewhat. Any man worth his salt will definitely look at the factors of an 18 yr marriage and 5 kids rather than running out the door or giving ultimatums. In a healthy relationship people tend to 'discuss' things, not hide them away and not talk about them.
Incase he is adamant about his postition, there are a couple options available to you. One is to agree to both have your opinions and get along very well besides them with him/family and extended family. The other would be a situation in which he would demand that you change or it ends. The latter I can't answer for you. I for one would refuse to accept such treatment by my own spouse who is supposed to share what I'm going through and try to come to some sort of understanding but at the same time I realize how difficult it is for people when so much time has passed and we grow up differently and away from similar thinking. I also believe that there are a lot more factors at work here, that of the kids and what your own situation would be. I would not accept being apart from my kids due to one person's stubborness, it is unfair but then many situations in life usually are. Thus a compromise would be in order. This might require you to be the one doing it, so draw strength from God and think about the best and fairest way for all of you. Compromise in some areas but not on your principles, whether they are known or secret as God knows what's in your heart and what your intentions are.
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I'm anxious to hear your opinions as this does bother me constantly...
Lisa
Hi Lisa,
Start with what you have in common.
I always find the story of Abraham to be enlightening in that respect. Here was a person who 'discovered' monotheism through experience and thought. Eventually the truth comes through, though it might take a while for some.
It would be good to know what the stumbling blocks were. What specific things caused the blowing up?
Ask simple questions like
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What do you understand by monotheism and not associating things with God?
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How uniform do you believe modern day Islam is? Why is there heterogeneity? Which set of practises is right? Why?
Give us the examples which you have explored and the arguments against and we'll try to help to find an approach.
Regards.
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Well, what I did at the beginning was to just want to show him some of the ayat pertaining to the Qur'an being sufficient and I tried to talk to him about how I felt that the Prophet Mohd had indeed finished his work before his death and didn't need someone else to finish it for him a couple of hundred years later. Besides, I asked, who was Bukhari and if he was necessary, then why wasn't he mentioned in the scripture. This was the main topic of that first conversation. He vehemently stood up for Bukhari and said that if I didn't, then I was a kafir. I said he was crazy, or something to that effect and that he should think about what he was saying---from that point on, it became a yelling contest and I honestly don't remember exactly what was said. He didn't want to listen, he didn't want to even hear the words that I was trying to say--even before the conversation turned into an argument. I was totally taken aback by his reaction and in fact, I became very physically ill for two weeks. My digestive system stopped working all together, my body rejected any form of nourishment. It was horrible. I lost 5 kilos in four days. After I finally recovered, I never had enough nerve to bring anything up at all on the subject with him. Although..... we were on an airplane together last week, and you know, that map that they project to show you where you are at the present time? On that map, they had written "Bukhara" and my husband made a little comment, "hey, look, that's where Bukhari was from". The he kind of laughed. I just said, "don't get me started". I took that to be a positive thing, but still didn't have the nerve to pursue it further. And it is in his nature to reject at first whatever new thing that might come his way, only later to relent. ...So, maybe there is hope....if only I could get enough nerve.....
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Dear ILisa,
My advice to you would be to keep quiet about it now until your children have grown up and out of the nest.
Your new understanding is your own. Yes you do want to share it with your husband but only if there is support in return. In your case, I suppose, you will experience all except support and understanding! You did give your husband the chance to know of what is inside your heart but he burned it. So don't do it again. It is enough now that he knows, so allow it to slow-cook inside his heart until he can come to terms with it. Give him time, a looong time. The longer the better.Joe (TheNabi) brought the example of Pharaoh's wife. She hid her faith and continued praying to Allah in private. Pharaoh was far greater than her in power in this life and she did not want to be killed or tortured. She had the choice of being patient and trustful of God's promise of rescuing those who have faith in Him. You too, I don't believe you want to be tortured by being separated from your children. Also you don't want them to be living in a stressful, charged environment. It is not about who is right and who is wrong. It is about having peace in the house. Islam is Peace. You now have peace inside your heart. Your husband is happy in his life. Your children are living in a peaceful environment. Opening up now, while the children are at a sensitive age, will just ruin this peace. All I am saying is that you wait. Give it few more years, at least till your youngest is in college then you can do whatever you like. By then you only have to protect yourself. I am only worried about the children. They are the weakest link here. So it is better to be calm about your belief and believe that God will change things in His own gracious ways.
Peace
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Salaam Taj,.
What beautiful advice! Thank you so much for such a rational, workable idea. Well, to update you all on "the latest", this weekend, my life seemed at odds with all around me, you see, on top of everything else, I am an American living in the Arabian peninsula. I found my situation unbearable, so I fell apart and spilled my guts to my husband about this, in addition to some other practical complaints about our living situation. He wasn't thrilled, but neither did he explode again. I think it is as you stated, he's had some time to "digest" the general idea since I last brought it up and so he wasn't so shocked. He tried to argue with me a bit, but I told him I wasn't interested in arguing over the point--that I am convinced. He then said that I was "to keep it to myself", but was unable to tell me exactly what that entailed (esp. in terms of covering my hair), so we had to leave it at that. He definitely looked to be on overload and I didn't want to push my luck! It's been a full two days since my disclosure and we have yet to proplerly speak to one another. We're civil, but by no means communicative in the way a husband and wife should be. In one way, I feel much better to at least have been honest and open with him on my stance, but I still feel unsettled as we have yet to mete out the details of our day to day life again.
I truly do appreciate all the input you and others have given me. The advice has helped, but perhaps not as much as the knowledge that there are like minded people out there...
With warm regards,
Lisa -
Salam ILisa,
I am so happy to hear that. Your husband sounds like a good man to me, but you know, Arab men are like Arabian horses, you need to be really strong and in control, totally calm and extremely tactful in order to be able to make them move in the direction you desire! I think that your husband needs your love now more than ever especially after Allah has bestowed His Guidance upon you. So you are in a better place now. Let it show on you. Let him feeeeeel it.
Regarding the details of hijab, etc.. I would advice you that you go along with it, after all you do live in a highly judgmental and watchful society. So to avoid gossip, confrontation and eye and verbal clashes, I would say while in Rome, do as the Romans do!Best of luck peace
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Peace be upon you Lisa,
I feel awful that I haven't been able to chat with you lately (.
But I do hope you and your husband have better understanding for each other now.
I think sister Taj came with very wise word of how you will deal with arab men, but you sister with 18 years with this man must have alot of experience of Arabs, don't you?
Peace sis Maria