confession
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Peace all,
I?ve come to a point where I feel that I hate suppressing myself for the sake of others. I hate how I can?t openly express my views without getting a hostile remark. I know it is to be expected and maybe a hostile remark is no big deal though when it comes from family.. it?s kinda hurtful.
What made me come to this topic was an incident that happened today. I have holidays ATM so no uni, my Fridays are freer than ever. My family go to the mosque, even I used to when I had off days but ever since these holidays started I haven?t been going to the mosque. Today would be 5 weeks, 5 consecutive weeks I have ?missed? the Friday congregational prayer.
I knew it would be a big deal that I haven?t been going to the mosque, so I thought I?ll ?pretend? to sleep in, so it?ll be so late they can?t be bothered waiting for me. But then my mum calls out ?Sarah are you still asleep? I thought great.. I better get up I mean open the door. So I thought no problem I still need to do my exercise plus have brekky. I got up I made scrambled eggs, my mum says ?get dressed and come with us? I didn?t respond to her.
I finished eating and was washing the dishes my dad was still eating breakfast and he said ?hurry up and get dress? I was so scared to say I don?t wanna go.. anyway I like whispered it lol (What an idiot yeh? Who the hell is scared of their dad?) I thought if he heard anything he might say what did you say or just ignore it. Anyway he went outside for a smoke..
my mum comes up to me and says ?forget the dishes go get dressed?
I tell her ?I don?t want to go?
Mum replies ?But you will see people, and people will see you and it?ll be nice you can listen to stories and see people?. I hardly go out so she prob thinks it?s a treat I can ?see people? but really the seeing is more about ?hey this is my daughter, any good potential muslim boys over here??
I said ?yes but I don?t want to?
Mum replies ?as you wish?
My dad comes through the back and says angrily ?if you CAN?T go why am I waiting for you?. Emphasis on can?t as in he assumed I had my periods.
He walks through the lounge room and my mum is like it?s not that she can?t she just doesn?t want to.
My dad comes back and yells out angrily ?is there harm in worship? Is there harm in praying??
I reply ?no?
My dad replies sarcastically ?there?s harm in worship isn?t there? It?s haram to pray isn?t it? For a long long long time you haven?t been going to the mosque on Friday?
I didn?t say anything. He kept going on
?you get to see people, listen to something that benefits you but no you wanna stay home stay home locked in 4 walls? then he stormed off.Before, the second week I missed Friday prayer my bro made a comment ?you should go to the mosque if you can?. We?ve had a few discussions on religion and they don?t end in the greatest form.. Even my niece says ?how come you don?t pray anymore, why don?t you go to the mosque?
See now I?m worried that my parents even my bro?s are going to notice I?m not doing prayers and that they?re going to give me crap.. I just thought if I associate less with the community maybe when I discuss my views it won?t be such a shock.
But I think I have no chance of that, it will always be a shock but my dad was basically skitzing it over not going to the mosque, imagine he knew my views. I don?t even think my views could even be discussed. I wouldn?t get the chance without their emotions swelling up into God knows what.
I just feel sad, worried and scared.. I think maybe I should just go with the flow, actually I mean just be what they want... I have future plans anyway I doubt I?d be living here for long. So just keep peace, let my mind stress less. but I feel so bad to conceal truth but I worry for my own well being. Yet while I worry about my own well being I?m actually harming my own mental state by this frustration but I think, I?ve kept on trucking along this long a lil while longer prob won?t kill me.
Anyway Friday prayer hasn?t finished, my other bro will come past. so God knows I haven?t heard the last of it. I just wish things were easier but who doesn?t?
What would you do if you were me?
P.S sorry for the long post I just felt the need to say something
Peace )
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O you who believe, do not ally yourselves even with your parents and your siblings, if they prefer disbelieving over believing. Those among you who ally themselves with them are transgressing.
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peace Sarah, all,
I have known you a long time (well, relatively) from this forum, and I have definitely seen you grow in strength and knowledge, so it doesn't come as a surprise you took the step you did. The stronger one becomes, the chains that shackle them become less of a burden, and over time, heaviness is replaced with lightness, until they are in a position to free themselves. It may have been a small step, but sometimes when you feel like the world is against you, or when you are starting out on a journey, these initial and smallest steps are the hardest to take, but in order to proceed, take them we must. So, well done, I think you did the right thing.
To be fair, it wasn't as bad as you thought right? ;D
If I can offer some advice, which I'm sure you already know, is that be gentle, thoughtful, cool, not hostile, and give out warmth and righteousness to your family and those beyond. Rise above. You see, when others fear something, they may make a fuss, oppose, object, but reciprocating with hostility/hate only fuels this fire/reaction, but goodness/love/coolness does the opposite, it helps put the fire out.
I am reminded of the wisdom
"The oak tree is mighty, yet it will be destroyed by a mighty wind because it resists the elements; the bamboo bends with the wind, and by bending, survives."You can bend and sway, and be flexible, but as long as you dont lose your roots, you will continue to grow, even after the most violent of storms.
And all storms pass, sooner or later
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Peace all
thanks for your opinions/thoughts/advice
Confront ur fear! Declare ur stance clearly & tht wil b d start of ur real closeness to GOD/The TRUTH - ur true guidance
Lol this made me laugh. ahhh what should I do laugh or cry haha sorry it reminded me of Mortal Kombat, whata kid ay? Thinking of Liu Kang while I should be thinking of solutions.
Thanks but somehow that?s asking for trouble, you have to be ?ready? to confront your fears. Like, Liu Kang didn?t just jump in with Shang Tsung even when he wanted to, great wisdom in that P
Anyway as much as I want to just blab it all to them, it?ll be a shock and I?m not ready for a reaction that is worse than hostile words. I?m not ready for the extreme because I don?t want to rely on anyone. I can imagine being threatened to be kicked out, they?d use it against me. I wouldn?t want them to have ?threats? to their advantage and nor do I wanna be a burden on any other. Besides they're my family, I love them. I don't wanna be like a delinquent in their view, I want understanding not just in your face this is how it is!
O you who believe, do not ally yourselves even with your parents and your siblings, if they prefer disbelieving over believing. Those among you who ally themselves with them are transgressing.
I dunno if I will call them disbelievers but maybe misguided and overly attached/emotional to their ideologies. It?s not that I am allying myself with them and it?s not like I have a community I can ally with.
And all storms pass, sooner or later
they do, thanks for that
Yes, it wasn?t as bad as I thought P but for me it was a big thing because I never say no to their wishes and this? ?ibadah?? it?s like woah what?s going on there.
I am gentle! P if anything too gentle and I think that?s where I am wrong, seriously because they have become accustomed to it.. like if they say ?jump? they?d expect me to just do it no questions asked not even ask how high, wait till they criticise then do it as high as they wish.. or if I discuss an opinion with my mum ?no that?s not right, we?re not westerners? like as if right/wrong is due to culture. Actually I think gentle isn?t just it, my voice isn?t heard in the house.
With my bro?s it?s a lil different I don?t fuel the fire, there is a saying in Arabic that says if you pull on the elastic band and the other pulls eventually it?ll snap. So I def don?t want any snapping happening.. thing is I end up not expressing anything to keep peace or just comment on what they say with maybe, with the indication of doubt or if i say no in disagreement they think i'm just being a feminists.. it's like I can't win.
I just wanna slowly bring understanding to them but I just dunno how. Without praying they see me as weak in faith, not serious, loving the dunya. So I thought maybe I shouldn?t give it up.. but maybe I should keep skipping and wait till they burst I guess I should prepare myself for it.
Al-Islam is a journey. Once you are convinced of the truth, move else you become doubtful & get stuck. Move & see more.
if you're convinced of truth, there should be no doubt in future. People can accept islam in all environments it doesn't mean it'll be easy.
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I thought Friday prayers were optional for women. Why are they trying to force you to go when it's not fard? At least according to tradition it's not. Will they accept that line of reasoning?
I wonder... If you could go to a different mosque by yourself without the pressures of being on display, would you do it? Would you even love to go in that case? Or is it more than that? Is there something else distressing to you about your jummah experience? Perhaps you are using it as a means to test the boundaries with your family? That would make sense too.
You can turn the situation around and see yourself as an ambassador of true Islam to the sunnis. I believe Allah has picked you out and given you this insight for a purpose. You have been given clear light. Don't hide it. You have a mission!
Here's an ayah for you
God braces those who believe with firm speech during worldly life and in the Hereafter; while God lets wrongdoers stray away. God does whatever He wishes! (Irving)
Allah is with you.
salam
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I have future plans anyway I doubt I?d be living here for long. So just keep peace, let my mind stress less.
Sounds like a plan to me! God wants you to be responsible for your own ass and not take irresponsible risks.
Keeping quiet is perfectly ok if you are in a weak position (financially dependent, living with parents, etc)In my 15 years of meeting people such as yourself I have never seen anyone get anything good out of confronting their parents.
Don't give people a reason to marginalize you. It will stop you from achieving you true potential.
Take care.
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Sounds like a plan to me! God wants you to be responsible for your own ass and not take irresponsible risks.
Keeping quiet is perfectly ok if you are in a weak position (financially dependent, living with parents, etc)In my 15 years of meeting people such as yourself I have never seen anyone get anything good out of confronting their parents.
Don't give people a reason to marginalize you. It will stop you from achieving you true potential.
Take care.
Peace
I have been told by a few people who follow the Quran alone to tell my family but they don't understand the consequences of this. I know my family and I know their reaction. It is best to keep quiet while I am living under their roof. I have enough problems as it is! I kinda told my sister that you don't need to follow hadiths and she told me that I am Christian, which makes no sense.
My fiance knows and he listened and accepted everything I learned so he follows the Quran alone now. I love him so much and thank God everyday for him. I've told a muslim guy friend and he won't listen. He never has anything to say in a discussion and seems to follow his parents and scholars. But he is very tolerant, thank God, and may God lead him to the straight path.
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Peace Sarah,
Whew.
I am not in the same situation as you, since I don't live with my parents. But my husband always wants me to go to Friday prayers too (when he's off work), and when I didn't go the other week he got upset and said some hurtful things.
I can't openly state my views either, without being ridiculed, or made fun of. So I just pray that someday my husband will listen, and uncover his ears/eyes. I would love to just be relaxed, and open about my views - but at this point in time, that's not possible.To your original question - how did you confess your disbelief in hadiths... well, one night I was reading something online about Bukhari, on Wikipedia ... and saw the dates he was alive. I came across the submission.org website, and looked up some of the Qur'an verses that state the the Qur'an is fully detailed, as well as some other verses. I stayed up late, totally wired ... and in the morning threw everything I read into my husband's face (figuratively) ... he couldn't answer any of the questions I had for him and at that point he started defending the hadiths (especially Bukhari) - when in the past he always said he didn't really believe in them - now he's a staunch defender of them. So ever since then he'll occasionally say that I'm on the wrong path, etc.
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Peace to all,
This was a road that I ventured down about nearly 7 years ago and it was not easy. I've since pumped my brakes because it seems pointless. I don't care for the confrontations and what people think of me. As it was said to the messengers in the Quran, basically, don't take it personally it is not you they are rejecting it is the message. My husband came to me almost seven years ago with this message. And as a matter of fact, it came to me to me 4 yrs before that. I definitely was not ready for it 11yrs ago. I also think it was how it was presented to me and who it was coming from. A person who was confrontational. But when my husband started talking about it, I did brush him off. Several times. I even said he was on a kick of some sort. But once I did my research on what he was saying I was floored and the more I learned I wanted to share. My husband and I went to the masjid we had been attending (and talked to several people we knew), thinking we could possibly enlightening them on something that they might have overlooked and they said someone had already been there years before my husband and I and she shut them down. left the speechless! And still they continued to say in more word or less that they will continue doing what they've always done. My heart sank. The home that I thought I had within that community simply vanished. They did not care to hear what we had to say. After all, who were we, but a young couple who hadn't been a member there longer than about 3 years. I look back on that situation and I'm glad it happened, it gives me more support to see the Quranic verses in 3-d like that. it was like they were reading verses from the Quran out loud in rebuttle to what was being said to them. If I can give any advice it would be to be firm but not aggressive. The way you come at somebody can turn them off instantly. And if people ask you feel free to share it.
Peace,
Shirley
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Peace all,
A believer put his trust on the merciful creator and state the truth of issues anytime, anywhere and before anyone.
Sometimes it appears difficult considering the consequence but do we really have option? No, the truth must not be compromise and the ever merciful lord is enough to rely on.
It is unheaard of the lord to abandone His sincere servant. My advise to sarrah is this put your trust on the ever watchful lord, be polite and with wisdom state the truth known to you to your parent, that step might be a source of guidance to them and above all, you become firm with you conviction.That is the right thing.
Remember, there is no wrong time for doing the right thing and no right time for doing wrong
THINK ABOUT IT.
ZUBAIRUS
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Peace all
Sorry for the delay and thank you all for your replies
Abdullah
Yes Friday prayers are considered optional for women. They want me to go because that?s what ?muslims do? so I can show face. That non-fard reasoning could easily be refuted by them with the line of ?but you must listen to your parents unless it goes along with shirk?. If I can avoid arguments I will, even if I look stupid, ignorant or whatever..
If I could go to a different mosque.. I could do it, I?ve been to different mosques before even a shia one lol just don?t tell my family haha. Though what is the benefit of going? I?ll tell you it?s a group congregation; a weekly one, you will recognise people in the community get to know people. That can be beneficial and well could work the other way around too. So you also learn about current events happening if any. Other than that you ?pray? together and listen to a khutba.
While that might be interesting I don?t see it entirely beneficial. A lot of the things I hear at khutba are basically regurgitation of things I was taught at Arabic school, so it just plays as a reminder. Besides that I don?t agree with it all and I hate hearing people yell.. it?s like ok I?m giving up 2 hours of my time to listen to someone yell about something held sacred and beneficial. No thanks I could just play Quran with English translated meaning and listen to that or do my own reading/research and that would be much more beneficial. I?m kinda testing boundaries but I already know what they are, well I have an idea.
lol@mission.. I have a long way to go, my knowledge is quite minute. The min I read into say a topic I?m interested in, I realise wait.. with this answer I come up with 50billion other questions. It?s like a never ending journey and I feel like I just stepping into it.
NSWS
You?d know your situation best and I guess that?s why you take and discard the advice that suits your situation/need. It?s great you gotta fiance who knows and accepts your views, inshallah you both can support each other
Aynur
Sometimes I think I?m really negative and it?s really pathetic...I hate it. I mean everyone has their own situations. To every individual they have their own hardships. For what might be easy on another might be hard on another. So I?m learning to get rid of the negativity/victim like feeling/thoughts. Apparently they say 90% of life is perception 10% is what really happens.. who knows.
Right now I?m just thinking hmm what excuse will I have for this Friday and will I need one?
Lol Inshallah things get better for you I hope one day God willing your husband will be more open into understanding your perception.
I thought of your theory, just blurting it all out from studies but I know (well I don?t really know) that it won?t work. I mean I?d instantly be told some nasty things. Besides I can?t approach my family like that because it?s so ?disrespectful? it would be out of place and awkward.
My brother knows I doubt hadith and he knows I like Asad?s work or some of it. Anyway my bro was like ?Asad is good but he was influenced by Mutazilites?, I?m like so? what?s wrong with them. Anyway he told me some things but basically we got into a discussion of hadith, by the end he knew I doubted/have doubts of hadith. He said ?so you doubt hadith?? I didn?t respond. Though today I was on a trip back home with him and he told me to listen to a lecture.. it was about shia-ism. Long story short, a sheikh refuting the Shia creed. I said, I?ve heard these arguments before I know about it. Anyway I think he thinks I?m shia because shias don?t accept sunni hadith. Not many people seem to think sunnism to quranic view but sunni to shia conversion happens and they're common.
Zubairus
I have trust in Allah, I just don?t want more hardships upon myself. Off course I don?t know the future but I can plan for things. Yes I know plans don?t always turn out and God is the best of planners.
I know though politeness won?t entirely work. I?d be challenging their whole way of living and already they think my views are slightly westernised/twisted. Imagine I lay this bomb shell on them ekhh
For now, my plan is to build my own sense of security. That includes
- gaining knowledge; things from Quran as well as everyday living
- financial security and academic (finishing uni).
With time I will test waters in polite ways i.e. avoid going masjid, asking them why they do certain things, try including my disagreement in an opinion without being offensive or so obvious.. i can only try.
Peace
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Peace all
For now, my plan is to build my own sense of security. That includes
- gaining knowledge; things from Quran as well as everyday living
- financial security and academic (finishing uni).
With time I will test waters in polite ways i.e. avoid going masjid, asking them why they do certain things, try including my disagreement in an opinion without being offensive or so obvious.. i can only try.
Peace
peace,
Excellent decision you have taken, but be very rigid, and uncompromising in your understanding but be soft and flexible in your dealings with your parents. if your apply wisdom in your approach and be not confrontational it is a matter of time that they may still come to appreciate witih your view someday.
