Sexual abuse from my father
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Hi to all sun
I usually don't post and prefer to read but I'm going through a very hard time now and need some advice.To sum up the situation, I'm a Muslim, God brought me to discover Islam about 4 years ago, THANKS GOD, and my parents are Christians.
My father sexually abused me when I was young until I left his house when I was 18. I had continued to see him and visit my parents, and act like a "normal family" but at one point I started to get very mentally ill from the side effects of the abuse because until I was about 24 years old, I really didn't fully realise what had happend to me. I had blocked out a lot of the abuse from my childhood and had not dealed with it or gotten any kind of help but at one point, you cannot block it out anymore and when the gates open, everything comes flooding out! Flashbacks, nightmares, abnormal behavior, anxiety attacks. I will not go into details or explain how abuse manifests itself but just to say that when you are abused, you feel guilty, ashamed and you can still love the abuser and seek for their approval and love. It's screwed up and dealing with these emotions almost makes you want to jump off a building instead of feeling them. My father also loves to mentally torture the rest of my family including my poor mother who has suffered this for years and doesn't even realise what she endures every day of her life since it is kind of "normal" for her now to be treated like this. My mother and brother were witnesses to little things like my father's pinching my nipples and butt while passing by me, grabbing my head and stuffing his tongue down my ear, that was the abuse that everyone saw but nobody did nothing to stop or help and that was probably because they were too scared of my father because he was a very aggressive and violent man.
5 years ago, after I consulted a psychologist because I thought that I was slowly going crazy and I had fallen into alcohol, drugs, partying, abusing my own body as a punishment (tattoos, peircings, completely shaving off my hair from my head like Britner Spears,....).
The psychologist advised me that I should cut ties with my father and start to heal myself. My mother was so sad that I suddenly cut ties with my father and refused to go to visit her at her house where they both lived. I would go to meet her at her work, we would go out to do things together but I refused to go to her house. She loves to have me over for dinner and pretend that we are the "perfect family". I love her so much and I always felt so bad that I was making her very sad to not go over to see her on holidays. She loves Christmas, and I could see her suffer when she would ask me every year to go over and I would say no. She would ask me to go over on every Christian holiday and I would refuse. The day I decided to cut ties with my father, I felt an enormous amount of weight released from my chest. Every year, I would feel better. No more anxiety attacks, no more suffering of the side effects. In that time, I was brought by God to discover Islam, which helped me so much.
Early this year, I left my country and went to accept a business proposition to open a new business in another country. Once there, I had a bad experience and one partner of my new business in this new country decided that I was no longer needed and wanted me out of the company. He acused me of stealing, which was not true, and I was jailed for 3 months 10 days in a 3rd world country....it was very bad. In this time, my mother did her best to help me, send me money and just be supportive. I got out, acquited of all charges, THANK GOD, and left the country the moment that I got out of jail. I returned to my country but I didn't have a place of my own to come back to because when I left my country, I gave up my apartment. Obvioulsly, I was not in the best of shape after enduring a trial that the outcome was 15 years of jail but then the decision was reversed at the court of appeal, I was malnourished and mentally not all there. My mother came to the airport to pick me up. I had asked her to contact my ex-husband so that he could take me in for a while until I get back on my feet. He had accepted (we are still on good terms and help each other when needed). But when she was driving back from the airport, she decided that she was bringing me to her house....where my father also lives. When I was in jail, I had 104 days to think about my life, where I was heading, what I was doing. When you are in a situation like this, you realise many things that you should change to become a better person and I thought alot about my mother and my father. I thought that maybe I should just give my father another chance since my mother kept on telling me all the time during the 5 years that since I cut ties with him, that he had changed, that he cried for me, that he missed me. In jail, I had nothing. One pair of pants, one sweater and the only thing I was dying for was a Quran but I had nobody to bring me one. I was dying to read the words of the Quran to help me, guide me. In the country that I was jailed, it is an ultra Christian country and many people, even in this day and age, have no idea what Islam is and nobody had a Quran nor could they get one in because the guards revise everything that is brought into the jail and they would not let it in. I did remeber passages that talked about respecting and obeying your parents and that this was maybe the time to turn to God and accept to forgive and move on, to love and respect my parents and this would be a good chance for me to change. I love my mother so dearly and she suffers because I have split the family in 2. I thought that maybe I had to stop being like this, that I had to be the better person and be a good Muslim and obey God and his teachings. So after all this thinking and nowhere to go, I thought that going to my parents house would be a way to reconsiliate and I know that it would make my mother very happy after everything she endured of having her only daughter almost jailed for 15 year. My mother just wanted to be a "normal family". When I arrived, my father told me that he was the one who sent me money when I was in jail, then he gave me more money right then and there to help me out, he was trying to act like the hero and save the day, like trying to repair what he did or something like that. I spent a few days there, trying to avoid my father. I could see the pain in his eyes, like as if he regretted something. But he never said nothing to me. The few first days, he was as nice as he could be. Then slowly, he came back as he always is, insults and agressivity. I started to have panic attacks, anxiety attacks, crying for no reason. I knew that it was because of the abuse feelings coming back again but I told my mother that it was for what I endured in jail but little did she know that jail was nothing compared to the abuse!!! I would of given anything to get back into the dirty, disgusting jail, starving for days and sleep on the frozen floor instead of experiencing the feelings again and again of the abuse.
Then after a few days, I left, got an apartment, and I was putting my life back together again. But my mother is now happy that I am in contact again with my father and she thinks that things are back like they were before eventhough she saw some of the abuse I endured its like as if she doesn't realise it. I had tried to talk to her about it various times and she tells me that it wasn't that bad and that I should not exagerate, she pushes the subject away and gets into a bad mood.
I went to eat Christmas dinner on the 25th. My father was acting bad again, insults and agressivity, putting down my mother, bad mood,.....I started to feel bad again. I was trying to hold back on my tears and try to eat my dinner, I just wanted to throw my dish on the wall, flip the table over and tell him to shut up and stop....but I didn't. I just eat calmly and left. When I left, my mother had tears in her eyes, happy that I had finally assisted her Christmas dinner after 5 years of absence.
I have spent the past 2 days going crazy. Reliving the abuse again, reliving the pain, the suffering. I feel his hands on me, his eyes on me. Its hard to deal with.
I have decided that I will cut the ties on him again and moreso, I will tell my mother that I will not accept for her to make me feel guilty with her tears because I have decided this. I always felt sorry for her but now I realise that things will never be good, what I endured will never go away and my mother who keps on living with him, protecting him and acting like as if nothing ever happened is really starting to upset me alot. My mental health is at stake here and I don't understand why she is trying to play the guilt game on me in getting me back to where she knows that I don't like to be. Is it selfish of her part or am I bad for not obeying and respecting her wishes?
I have suffered damage that has affected my life, I cannot have a normal sexual life, I was married my poor husband went through some bad times with me when I was having the occasional anxiety attack, I do not want get married again because I have issues with sex, I am a complete mental mess, I cannot have children and it is probably linked to the sexual abuse, I have suffered too much to just love and respect parents that do not take responsibility of their actions and try to drag me back into the abuse!All I have to say is that I tried, after 5 years, I gave time to my father to fix his problem, he has not admitted of having done anything wrong nor does he take responsibility of any wrong doing and still acts like he always did except he doesn't touch me now. When I was in jail, I spoke to God alot, I told God that I have forgiven and will try to forget, I asked for forgiveness for being so selfish and not giving my father another chance and to make my mother unhappy all these years, that I will try again and give a chance but after this, nothing has changed. I tried to make my mother happy but how can I do so when to make her happy is destructive to me? or can I just void them from my life to try to salvage my own sanity?
I have not encountered any mention on how to deal with abusive parents in the Quran. I'm looking and looking but maybe one of you can help me with this. I need to know what to do. If it was just for my decision, I would block out my family and only allow my mother into my life if she stops trying to make me feel bad for breaking up her "family"....because I am sick of thinking that this is all my fault when I am the victime here. But maybe this is not what I should do, maybe God instructed something else. Please let me know if you have any clues!
And thanks for you all that has taken time to read me. -
Salaam Aleikum dear Carly and may God bless you and give you now smiles from now on.
I have discovered Islam myself now for 5 years and study Theology and Arabic at the Rotterdam university. I come from a Roman Catholic family. i you ever need to talk, I am always available.
The Quran does talk about harrassing or abusing women, although this verse is mostly overlooked
QXP
RAPE Most people think that the Quran prescribes no
punishment for the rapist. But the Quran claim to be a well perfected
Book and that it covers all things that were necessary to be revealed
(Innatibitaana lakulla shayi). The Quran does not use Zina-bil-Jabr
(Forced sex). But, even bothering women carries grievous punishment!
The term used in 3360 derives from Rajf = Creating alarm = Bothering =
Frightening = Harassing = Causing to tremble = Inciting fear. The
punishment for men creating Rajf among women could vary from exile to
slaying depending on the extent of Rajf caused by the accused.3360 Thus it is If the hypocrites, and those in whose hearts is disease,
and those who create turmoil in the City do not desist (from maligning
women), We shall give you control over them (O Prophet!). And then
they will be your neighbors for no more than a short while.3361 Accursed, they shall be seized wherever found and slain one and
all.3362 That was the way of God among those who lived before. And
never will you find any change in Gods way.http//www.ourbeacon.com/
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Peace
The god surely does not like the aggressors, even if they are one's own parents.
You should be a very strong person for still standing in front of such a situation while being subjected to all this mental, emotional and physical abuse of your parents; This would be the good side of the coin, after every hardship, we have more potential to grow stronger if we survive to it, which you are demonstrating in your concise and expressive post. muscle D
The god is just, each one earns only what he has sown. Leave them to there hell, and build your own paradise. peace
PS Sorry for not citing any verses, time problem ;D
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Hi to all sun
I usually don't post and prefer to read but I'm going through a very hard time now and need some advice.Please let me know if you have any clues!
And thanks for you all that has taken time to read me.As salaam alaikum Carla,
Carla you have opened up your heart to us on this forum and I hope you would find us always there for you. It is so sad that your childhood has been taken away from you and you have had to suffer for the acts of your own father. But you are not alone; there are many children who have suffered like you and did not have anyone to disclose it to. I am here to listen to you at any time; you can PM me if you like and take your entire burden out. Once you pour out these feelings I am sure you will feel lighter and will be able to move on with your life.
I understand the plight of your mother too; she is trying to pretend that all is normal, but until you are brave enough to face your problems I think it will be better to stay away from your parents. I do not think you are giving them grief by staying away, but you are doing all you can to help yourself.
In order to keep your self in the protection of God I would suggest that you recite these two surahs when ever you feel insecure. You will feel protected and find the strength to refuse your mother?s request to meet your father.
Surah 113
Say "I seek refuge with the Lord of the dawn,
From the evils among His creation
And from the evil of darkness as it falls
And from the evil of those who practice sorcery
And from the evil of the envious when they envy
Surah 114
Say "I seek refuge with the Lord of mankind
"The King of mankind
"The god of mankind
From the evil of the sneaking whisperer
Who whispers into the chests of mankindWith all my love and best wishes
farida -
Peace and welcome, Carly,
You're very brave for sharing your story. I'm sure it must have been difficult reliving as you typed. I have a good friend who was abused and has struggled with addiction his entire life - I presume as an attempt to fill the void. I also know quite a few people who have/had terrible relationships with their parent(s).
In all cases, the one thing that seems to work is getting away from them.
You asked
Is it selfish of her part or am I bad for not obeying and respecting her wishes?
It is selfish on her part. She obviously feels trapped and you're her outlet, her silver lining. The saying, "misery loves company" holds true. Your mother should one day find the strength to confront the situation or leave. Since you already have it, you're a step ahead.
I tried to make my mother happy but how can I do so when to make her happy is destructive to me? or can I just void them from my life to try to salvage my own sanity?
You cannot make her happy while she is living in torment. I'd say you should still try to see her when your dad's not around. This way you don't lose touch and atleast you give her the opportunity to vent to someone. But your dad clearly has an illness. Until he recognizes this and seeks help, I would stay away from him.
Time away will help you heal, sister. Keep working on yourself, seeing someone professionally, and moving forward in life. Keep God in your heart and thoughts. The best way to bring love back into your life is to give it to someone else. Find some way to contribute - to connect, with people, with your self, and with God. And remember with a true knowing that what happened to you was not because of you, but because of your father's illness. Forgive yourself.
May peace be upon you,
Tay -
Salam Carly,
Nice to see you back sister sun Everyone has problems and everyone has their own test in life. It doesnt make sense to us, only Allah knows the reasons why. We just have to be steadfast and trust in Him. Life altogether is just a temporary test and nothing is worth being upset about. Every one who does wrong will get it back from Allah. I always tell myself, had I not gone through all that I did I would have not been the great person I am today! and that's the truth. You have the right to get out /escape and seek strength and a better life for yourself. I remember this beautiful verse
497 Behold, those whom the angels gather in death while they are still sinning against themselves, will ask, "What was wrong with you?'' They will answer "We were too weak on earth." will say "Was, then, God's earth not wide enough for you to forsake the domain of evil?" For such, then, the goal is hell - and how evil a journey's end!
So for those who feel oppressed, and that's their excuse for wronging their souls until death, wasn't God's land wide enough for them to migrate?
I dont see my father either. But at least if I can I'm nice enough to send an sms once in a blue moon saying "salam, hope you're well" and that's it. Sometimes life doesnt work as we would ideally like it to, and we realise that many things are not in our hands. They're in Allah's hands, we shall submit to Him as creations of His and keep steadfast and trust in Him, and if we do that He will show us His mercy. Allah says we have to be kind to parents, but do not through yourself in the torture
2195 Waanfiqoo fee sabeeli Allahi wala tulqoo biaydeekum ila alttahlukati waahsinoo inna Allaha yuhibbu almuhsineena
2195 And spend of your substance in the cause of Allah, and make not your own hands contribute to (your) destruction; but do good; for Allah loveth those who do good.If you like inshaa Allah I'll see you on msn again D me and the sisters and brothers from all around the world join our chats and share quranic quotes and discussions. But sometimes we share Youtube videos and jokes and just muck around and laugh till we get stitches in our stomachs and tears in our eyes ;D
You sound very strong and steadfast already, so proud and happy for you, which means that in future you could meet young people who've gone through what you have, and only you would be able to understand them and help them. God knows what we do not angel
Salam peace
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your mother has turned a blind eye to your father's abuse for years... she has clearly enabled him
they both need some help, but in the meantime you can help yourself by staying away from a situation which obviously hurts you
don't guilt yourself into believing that the quran talks about honouring parents such as these
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I am so shocked at what you have gone through...! I will look for appropriate ayas in the qur'an which may be of help. However, you must look after you first. You obviously are a very strong, patient person, but youmust get some psychological help. I am sure there must be some association of sexually abused children that can give you support and you can get some specialised psychological service. I think there was at some time here int he forum a list of institutions for different social needs. You should avail yourself of any that may offer you something.
Put your parents between brackets right now. You cannot handle them, you don't have to handle them, you cannot be fair with yourself and be fair to them now. You have to go methodically about things. Strarighten your own house. Do not accept any extra burden now. Your parents should be damned happy that you have turned out so well after the hindrances y abuse they made you suffer. That, if they are really loving parents, should really be plenty for them.
Try to be only with people who are not problematic for you. Good people as far as possible which may help you to gain your balance and take your time, plenty of time to be with yourself, to discover yourself, and pamper yourself. If you know of somebody who may pamper you without any demand, let yourself be pampered. Your mother is no good for that obviously, because she has demands.
And pray God, but please, not in anguish, but in trust, praise him because everything you have is His, everything which has been good to you is His, and everything that will hapen to you is His. Love God, and trust HIm, because He will never cheat you, will never use you, will never manipulate you. Every thing that is gentle in life comes from Him. Praise Al Wadud, Al Latif, praise all His gentle names. You will be a blessing for others. You are noble, and you will be a great help for many people when you gain your rightful qualities and capacity in life, in sha Allah.
Salaam alaicum.
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Peace
In a sense your mom is guilty too because she allowed the behavior to go on. Maybe you should all confront each other on these issues which have an effect on you still with a third party. I do not think it is a good thing to let things fester. Best to overcome them than to deny them.
Joe
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Peace
In a sense your mom is guilty too because she allowed the behavior to go on. Maybe you should all confront each other on these issues which have an effect on you still with a third party. I do not think it is a good thing to let things fester. Best to overcome them than to deny them.
Joe
That may be right, but I doubt that doing it now would be good. I think our sister should get herself strong and and healed and clear her mind, emotions and ideas, have some time of peace with herself, and once she has gained her own stability and balance and stand on her feet emotionally and spiritually, she will be in a better position to judge the wisdom of anything she may need to do or want to do.
Carly, you might want to read Al naml (27) aya 45 onwards.
Salaam
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Peace carly,
I'm very touched by your true story. I sense that you are a survivor and you will win this battle. Trust in yourself and please do not feel guilt.
It's not your fault.Read surah 5338-47 None can carry the burdens of another.......
Take Care
Maria -
Salam,
Respectfully.I only read part of your story, dear sister but i am always your brother in Islam and if you need to talk, don't hesitate.
I am only offering a support.Read last two chapters of The Qur'an every day and in prayers as well, God The Most Powerful will protect you.
The reason i only read part of your story is because i am horrified at what happened to you and shocked but apparently you are still alive and may Allah The Most Powerful, The Most Merciful, The Most JUST help you, may He The Most Wise give you more best health, more patience and may God The Most JUST guide you to Heaven.I will pray for you but first you must pray for yourself and bear in mind all of us here are your support, friends, brothers and sisters, we love you and we will help you as much as it is in our power. I can only help you with a friendly talk as a brother. God The Most Powerful can help you find inner peace and reach Paradise so pray to Him, okay?
Take care sister.
Pray, trust God, rely on God and read Qur'an. There is the knowledge and guidance.Peace.
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Salam to all ;D
First of all, I would like to thank everyone who sent me extremely nice and encouraging messages. I was happily suprised by all the support and I appreciate it very much. Thank you all!
It was very hard for me to write that personal story but I knew that it was going to be the start of a long process of rehabilitation towards a better life....that started the moment I pushed the button "post" down below and made my secret open to all to read. It's an embarassing thing to be a victim of this kind of situation and by posting my story, I let go of the chains that were around my throat choacking me. I feel free now.
I spoke to my mother, in an honest conversation about everything and let her know about my feelings. That was also very hard but not as hard as I thought it would be. She was in shock, crying, sobbing, almost fainting but I continued until I got everything out that was caught up inside me. Freedom!!!
Now I'm continuing with my life, doing what I want to and not trying to please anyone that has done me harm because I decided on that last day of 2007, that the new year of 2008 was going to be "my" year and, if God will, I was going to do what I thought was ok for myself to get better and to move on at last. So up to now, I am doing very well.
So thanks to all of you who sent me nice messages, I am so gratefull and it's nice to know that around the world, there are such nice people who I have never met but through our connection in this wonderfull religion we all help each other as much as we can, which is in essence a big part of being a true muslim.
And of course, thanks to God, the all-mighty who has given me the patience and streinght to get through this.
Salam -
Salam to all ;D
First of all, I would like to thank everyone who sent me extremely nice and encouraging messages. I was happily suprised by all the support and I appreciate it very much. Thank you all!
It was very hard for me to write that personal story but I knew that it was going to be the start of a long process of rehabilitation towards a better life....that started the moment I pushed the button "post" down below and made my secret open to all to read. It's an embarassing thing to be a victim of this kind of situation and by posting my story, I let go of the chains that were around my throat choacking me. I feel free now.
I spoke to my mother, in an honest conversation about everything and let her know about my feelings. That was also very hard but not as hard as I thought it would be. She was in shock, crying, sobbing, almost fainting but I continued until I got everything out that was caught up inside me. Freedom!!!
Now I'm continuing with my life, doing what I want to and not trying to please anyone that has done me harm because I decided on that last day of 2007, that the new year of 2008 was going to be "my" year and, if God will, I was going to do what I thought was ok for myself to get better and to move on at last. So up to now, I am doing very well.
So thanks to all of you who sent me nice messages, I am so gratefull and it's nice to know that around the world, there are such nice people who I have never met but through our connection in this wonderfull religion we all help each other as much as we can, which is in essence a big part of being a true muslim.
And of course, thanks to God, the all-mighty who has given me the patience and streinght to get through this.
SalamSalam Carly
Your story reminded me of some of my own hardships in the past, even though what i experienced was nothing compared to what you experienced. I had to fight with racists in the school, who use to bullied those who where from other countries, and those who were weak and unpopular. I had other hardships to in my family at work etc. It was not an easy period, but i think all that happened actually made me stronger. This life is an illusion, and i knew deep down that the hereafter is better. Unfortunately the good-people and the believers are mocked by the disbelievers. God tells us in the Quran that the believers are disrespected and mocked by disbelievers
2212 This worldly life has been made pleasing to the disbelievers, and they mock those who believe. And those who are righteous will be above them on the Day of Resurrection; God provides for whoever He wishes without a price.
910 They do not respect those who are believers, nor a kinship, nor a pledge. These are the transgressors.
But after Hardships, everything will be alright
945 So with hardship comes ease.
946 With hardship comes ease.And "God is the supporter of the believers"
368 The most legitimate people to Abraham are those who followed him; and this prophet, and those who believed; and God is the supporter of the believers.
7196 "My supporter is God who sent down the Scripture; and He takes care of the righteous."
I can see a powerful force inside you that never gives up, and this shows when you say to that it was "ok for you to get better and move on at last". Because most people experiencing what you did might had gived up.
You continued even the darkest nights, You are a winner, and i truly believe that. never doubt it, even for a second.I don't know if you have read any self-improvement books, but it has inspired me to make many right choices in life, and gain "learn more about my self". I want a share book with you that i really like. this is one of the "best books" about making the right choices and changes in our lifes, and to know ourselves. You can read the "reviews of the book in the site" below it, and buy it in the link below. Books like this one below inspired me a lot, and motivated me to improve on many aspects of life, and also take right choices constantly. This book i totally recommend
http//www.amazon.com/You-Heal-Your-Life-Gift/dp/1561706280/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1205614226&sr=8-1
I hope you will participate more in the forum Carly, and i want you to know that i am your friend. And if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to pm me.
Peace,
David -
Follow the example of Abraham.
He had issues with his father; and ultimately abandoned him when there was no path forward.
Your father betrayed you, betrayed the trust to look after and protect you. He has failed you. You have no obligation towards him in my view and I think your decision to leave him is a valid one. This is even more so as he does not show remorse still; and you have attempted a reconciliation only to find the same behaviour.
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sister Carly ~
asalam aleykum, dear. thanks to God for leading you to Islam, and i am happy that you are able to cut ties with those who have hurt you. God wants for you to have peace, and your own life. i have found some verses for you, sister.
O you who believe, stand with justice as witnesses to God, even if against yourselves, or the parents or the relatives. Even if he be rich or poor, God can best protect both, so do not follow your desires from being just. And if you twist or turn away, then God is Expert over what you do. 4135
this aya means that we are to stand up against injustice and cruelty, even against family, for God knows who has done injustice, and God is certainly able to help the innocent. God knows who tries to hide what injustice they have done, and He urges us to do what is right, to witness against the unjust and the cruel, and trust in Him.
it pains me to hear how you have endured and pretended to spare your mother's feelings. i have a dear friend who was sexually abused as a child, and he faces the similar problem of his mother not wanting to know what had gone on, and urging him to come home and pretend to be happy, and "make peace" with his abuser. i encourage him to have his own life and goals and paths, and not feel obliged to sacrifice more for his mother, and i encourage you to do the same, with God's help.
there is another sura sister (109) that reminds of your and his situation with your families, that says
Say "O you who reject the truth,"
"I do not worship what you worship,"
"Nor do you worship what I worship,"
"Nor will I worship what you worship,"
"Nor will you worship what I worship,"
"To you is your path, and to me is mine." -
What you have endured Carla - there is no excuse for it - it should not happen. It is a terrible thing.
It is also difficult to advise what is the correct thing to do for another person - I really feel only the person who can know what is best - is the person in that situation - they can do according to what is fitting for their conscience then it will be less stressful for them. And the great blessing is that as per Quran we do appear to have so many options.
But personally I am also sorry to say Carla - after having faced abuse myself - and later in life (more recently) having faced a phase of new ageism (which itself is abusive to human nature) - whereaby my life became partly engrossed in addressing all the things that other people had done wrong to me in my childhood and trying to bring all of that to the surface and realeasing it and continousouly feeling sorry for myself - I would say all this feeling sorry for ourselves is a weakness enjoined on us by society and is because of the influence of satan. It does not do us any good - especially I would not go to any psychotherapist who will just try to bring more of the hurt to the foreforent - such that you have to live through it again - it is not a helpful thing.
First and foremost I beleive is to safegurad and fortify/strengthen yourself from the atrocities being committed against, then one can safely engage.
I love my family and always pray for their well-being and that they be guided to the straight path. Now I know that when I used to be reminded of the pain in my new age days - that was just the pull of satan. Normally I did not and do not remember and especially after having safe-guarded myself - I do not wish for them to suffer at all. I still maage to engage with them safely - when I see them committing injustices I speak my mind and try to do all that I can and when I see the will of God is against me - then I surrender the rest to God. I do say that we are also evolving in our growth towards wisdom - I see that evident in my own family and perhaps I see it with your family in your own story.
But just to balance what everyone has said on this post - Do bear in mind that the Quran also talks of God raising people/crops from the dead as a sign of all possiblities of God. Also there is a call for compassion and forgiveness.
I personally could not find peace by breaking off from my family - when I tried to do this once or twice.
One day I sat down and prayed to God that my mother become aware of all her wrongs whilst she is still living - so that she may be forgiven by God for her acknowledging to God. As I did not wish for her or anyone to suffer punisment in teh hereafter.
The next day she phoned me out of the blue crying feeling ever so sorry about everything she had subjected me to in my childhood. Never had I even appraoched her about such matters - I got so freaked out by this and have not had the courage to pray like that again (using the same method) - but I just wanted to let you that no prayer is impossible when we humbly with all our hearts turn to God - not that you should expect God to work for you but rather for the love of God because you are trying to bring good to the world.
It might seem easier to run away and disown family and live life away from having to see their faces and not be reminded of their incmpatible ways with the way of peace, justice and truth - but it may be that God has ordained a greater purpose in your life for being placed amongst those people who really need a messenegr or a phrophe to help save them form their ignorance.
People doing wrong may not be fully aware of the wrong they are doing. It is the truth that as humans we are not all at the same level of understanding and everybody will have different levels of vices - yet if the angels can cry to God for our salavation - then who are we to abandon others (though also ensuring that we are not putting ourselves in jeopoardy).
I would wish that we can wish upon humanity the compassion to be shown the right way - just as I would wish to be shown the right way if I am wrong and fall in to error....
My you find the peace in your heart to be able to extend it to those who did you injustice.
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Salam humandesign,
I think that whatever you are doing in your life, if it's working for you then great. For me, I made it clear that I was going downhill fast with my mental state by staying in that situation. Now that I have broken free from the abuse I am back in school studying law, new job, new life and getting back on track. I'm not asking for pitty, I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm not running away like you said I am. I was just trying to figure out after 32 years of my life, can I just try to get to sanity and pull away from this abusive situation or not? If I would of stayed in that situation, it would probably be very distructive. I feel very good now and things are slowly getting better with my mother. If my father contacts me and tries to change the situation and make it better then that would be another thing but when someone just won't even realise what kind of dammage he is causing around him, doesn't care and thinks that he is better than God then there is nothing I can do to fix this situation. I am still here waiting for one day that this situation would get better. If one day my father does realise what he has done, wants to have a healthy relationship with me, then I'm not saying that it won't be possible. I was just saying that I will not run over there and put myself in that kind of situation that is very damaging to me and continue being abused!!!!! Come on! this is only logical!!! Anyways, like I said, you do whatever you feel is ok for you and I have to do whatever I feel is good in my situation.You wrote that you would like to be guided if you are wrong or fall into error......that maybe God has ordained a greater purpose in my life for being placed amongst those people who really need a messenger or a prophet to help save them form their ignorance.........who am I to guide anyone....the only guide we have is God. God is our guide! Maybe one day God will guide him, will make him realise what he did, will make him follow God's path and beleive in God....maybe that might happen but I won't go over there saying
"Hey you, I'm a messenger, listen to me, change your life, stop doing evil, beleive in God.....". If God guides him to me, I will be a good person, a good Muslim and help him if he needs help but not help if he in return insults, puts me down and abuses me!!!
I came to Islam because I was leaded by God. I had no religion, I married a muslim and slowly got interested and embrassed Islam. This was the will of God, not the will of my husband who taught me a bit about Islam. My husband could of taught me about Islam until his face turned blue but it doesn't mean that I would embrace Islam and be a Muslim! God brought me to Islam because it was his will. It will be God's will if my father changes and I hope for him that he does so that he has time to repent and die a believer so that he might have a chance to escape hell.