Sexual abuse from my father
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Salam to all ;D
First of all, I would like to thank everyone who sent me extremely nice and encouraging messages. I was happily suprised by all the support and I appreciate it very much. Thank you all!
It was very hard for me to write that personal story but I knew that it was going to be the start of a long process of rehabilitation towards a better life....that started the moment I pushed the button "post" down below and made my secret open to all to read. It's an embarassing thing to be a victim of this kind of situation and by posting my story, I let go of the chains that were around my throat choacking me. I feel free now.
I spoke to my mother, in an honest conversation about everything and let her know about my feelings. That was also very hard but not as hard as I thought it would be. She was in shock, crying, sobbing, almost fainting but I continued until I got everything out that was caught up inside me. Freedom!!!
Now I'm continuing with my life, doing what I want to and not trying to please anyone that has done me harm because I decided on that last day of 2007, that the new year of 2008 was going to be "my" year and, if God will, I was going to do what I thought was ok for myself to get better and to move on at last. So up to now, I am doing very well.
So thanks to all of you who sent me nice messages, I am so gratefull and it's nice to know that around the world, there are such nice people who I have never met but through our connection in this wonderfull religion we all help each other as much as we can, which is in essence a big part of being a true muslim.
And of course, thanks to God, the all-mighty who has given me the patience and streinght to get through this.
Salam -
Salam to all ;D
First of all, I would like to thank everyone who sent me extremely nice and encouraging messages. I was happily suprised by all the support and I appreciate it very much. Thank you all!
It was very hard for me to write that personal story but I knew that it was going to be the start of a long process of rehabilitation towards a better life....that started the moment I pushed the button "post" down below and made my secret open to all to read. It's an embarassing thing to be a victim of this kind of situation and by posting my story, I let go of the chains that were around my throat choacking me. I feel free now.
I spoke to my mother, in an honest conversation about everything and let her know about my feelings. That was also very hard but not as hard as I thought it would be. She was in shock, crying, sobbing, almost fainting but I continued until I got everything out that was caught up inside me. Freedom!!!
Now I'm continuing with my life, doing what I want to and not trying to please anyone that has done me harm because I decided on that last day of 2007, that the new year of 2008 was going to be "my" year and, if God will, I was going to do what I thought was ok for myself to get better and to move on at last. So up to now, I am doing very well.
So thanks to all of you who sent me nice messages, I am so gratefull and it's nice to know that around the world, there are such nice people who I have never met but through our connection in this wonderfull religion we all help each other as much as we can, which is in essence a big part of being a true muslim.
And of course, thanks to God, the all-mighty who has given me the patience and streinght to get through this.
SalamSalam Carly
Your story reminded me of some of my own hardships in the past, even though what i experienced was nothing compared to what you experienced. I had to fight with racists in the school, who use to bullied those who where from other countries, and those who were weak and unpopular. I had other hardships to in my family at work etc. It was not an easy period, but i think all that happened actually made me stronger. This life is an illusion, and i knew deep down that the hereafter is better. Unfortunately the good-people and the believers are mocked by the disbelievers. God tells us in the Quran that the believers are disrespected and mocked by disbelievers
2212 This worldly life has been made pleasing to the disbelievers, and they mock those who believe. And those who are righteous will be above them on the Day of Resurrection; God provides for whoever He wishes without a price.
910 They do not respect those who are believers, nor a kinship, nor a pledge. These are the transgressors.
But after Hardships, everything will be alright
945 So with hardship comes ease.
946 With hardship comes ease.And "God is the supporter of the believers"
368 The most legitimate people to Abraham are those who followed him; and this prophet, and those who believed; and God is the supporter of the believers.
7196 "My supporter is God who sent down the Scripture; and He takes care of the righteous."
I can see a powerful force inside you that never gives up, and this shows when you say to that it was "ok for you to get better and move on at last". Because most people experiencing what you did might had gived up.
You continued even the darkest nights, You are a winner, and i truly believe that. never doubt it, even for a second.I don't know if you have read any self-improvement books, but it has inspired me to make many right choices in life, and gain "learn more about my self". I want a share book with you that i really like. this is one of the "best books" about making the right choices and changes in our lifes, and to know ourselves. You can read the "reviews of the book in the site" below it, and buy it in the link below. Books like this one below inspired me a lot, and motivated me to improve on many aspects of life, and also take right choices constantly. This book i totally recommend
http//www.amazon.com/You-Heal-Your-Life-Gift/dp/1561706280/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1205614226&sr=8-1
I hope you will participate more in the forum Carly, and i want you to know that i am your friend. And if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to pm me.
Peace,
David -
Follow the example of Abraham.
He had issues with his father; and ultimately abandoned him when there was no path forward.
Your father betrayed you, betrayed the trust to look after and protect you. He has failed you. You have no obligation towards him in my view and I think your decision to leave him is a valid one. This is even more so as he does not show remorse still; and you have attempted a reconciliation only to find the same behaviour.
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sister Carly ~
asalam aleykum, dear. thanks to God for leading you to Islam, and i am happy that you are able to cut ties with those who have hurt you. God wants for you to have peace, and your own life. i have found some verses for you, sister.
O you who believe, stand with justice as witnesses to God, even if against yourselves, or the parents or the relatives. Even if he be rich or poor, God can best protect both, so do not follow your desires from being just. And if you twist or turn away, then God is Expert over what you do. 4135
this aya means that we are to stand up against injustice and cruelty, even against family, for God knows who has done injustice, and God is certainly able to help the innocent. God knows who tries to hide what injustice they have done, and He urges us to do what is right, to witness against the unjust and the cruel, and trust in Him.
it pains me to hear how you have endured and pretended to spare your mother's feelings. i have a dear friend who was sexually abused as a child, and he faces the similar problem of his mother not wanting to know what had gone on, and urging him to come home and pretend to be happy, and "make peace" with his abuser. i encourage him to have his own life and goals and paths, and not feel obliged to sacrifice more for his mother, and i encourage you to do the same, with God's help.
there is another sura sister (109) that reminds of your and his situation with your families, that says
Say "O you who reject the truth,"
"I do not worship what you worship,"
"Nor do you worship what I worship,"
"Nor will I worship what you worship,"
"Nor will you worship what I worship,"
"To you is your path, and to me is mine." -
What you have endured Carla - there is no excuse for it - it should not happen. It is a terrible thing.
It is also difficult to advise what is the correct thing to do for another person - I really feel only the person who can know what is best - is the person in that situation - they can do according to what is fitting for their conscience then it will be less stressful for them. And the great blessing is that as per Quran we do appear to have so many options.
But personally I am also sorry to say Carla - after having faced abuse myself - and later in life (more recently) having faced a phase of new ageism (which itself is abusive to human nature) - whereaby my life became partly engrossed in addressing all the things that other people had done wrong to me in my childhood and trying to bring all of that to the surface and realeasing it and continousouly feeling sorry for myself - I would say all this feeling sorry for ourselves is a weakness enjoined on us by society and is because of the influence of satan. It does not do us any good - especially I would not go to any psychotherapist who will just try to bring more of the hurt to the foreforent - such that you have to live through it again - it is not a helpful thing.
First and foremost I beleive is to safegurad and fortify/strengthen yourself from the atrocities being committed against, then one can safely engage.
I love my family and always pray for their well-being and that they be guided to the straight path. Now I know that when I used to be reminded of the pain in my new age days - that was just the pull of satan. Normally I did not and do not remember and especially after having safe-guarded myself - I do not wish for them to suffer at all. I still maage to engage with them safely - when I see them committing injustices I speak my mind and try to do all that I can and when I see the will of God is against me - then I surrender the rest to God. I do say that we are also evolving in our growth towards wisdom - I see that evident in my own family and perhaps I see it with your family in your own story.
But just to balance what everyone has said on this post - Do bear in mind that the Quran also talks of God raising people/crops from the dead as a sign of all possiblities of God. Also there is a call for compassion and forgiveness.
I personally could not find peace by breaking off from my family - when I tried to do this once or twice.
One day I sat down and prayed to God that my mother become aware of all her wrongs whilst she is still living - so that she may be forgiven by God for her acknowledging to God. As I did not wish for her or anyone to suffer punisment in teh hereafter.
The next day she phoned me out of the blue crying feeling ever so sorry about everything she had subjected me to in my childhood. Never had I even appraoched her about such matters - I got so freaked out by this and have not had the courage to pray like that again (using the same method) - but I just wanted to let you that no prayer is impossible when we humbly with all our hearts turn to God - not that you should expect God to work for you but rather for the love of God because you are trying to bring good to the world.
It might seem easier to run away and disown family and live life away from having to see their faces and not be reminded of their incmpatible ways with the way of peace, justice and truth - but it may be that God has ordained a greater purpose in your life for being placed amongst those people who really need a messenegr or a phrophe to help save them form their ignorance.
People doing wrong may not be fully aware of the wrong they are doing. It is the truth that as humans we are not all at the same level of understanding and everybody will have different levels of vices - yet if the angels can cry to God for our salavation - then who are we to abandon others (though also ensuring that we are not putting ourselves in jeopoardy).
I would wish that we can wish upon humanity the compassion to be shown the right way - just as I would wish to be shown the right way if I am wrong and fall in to error....
My you find the peace in your heart to be able to extend it to those who did you injustice.
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Salam humandesign,
I think that whatever you are doing in your life, if it's working for you then great. For me, I made it clear that I was going downhill fast with my mental state by staying in that situation. Now that I have broken free from the abuse I am back in school studying law, new job, new life and getting back on track. I'm not asking for pitty, I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm not running away like you said I am. I was just trying to figure out after 32 years of my life, can I just try to get to sanity and pull away from this abusive situation or not? If I would of stayed in that situation, it would probably be very distructive. I feel very good now and things are slowly getting better with my mother. If my father contacts me and tries to change the situation and make it better then that would be another thing but when someone just won't even realise what kind of dammage he is causing around him, doesn't care and thinks that he is better than God then there is nothing I can do to fix this situation. I am still here waiting for one day that this situation would get better. If one day my father does realise what he has done, wants to have a healthy relationship with me, then I'm not saying that it won't be possible. I was just saying that I will not run over there and put myself in that kind of situation that is very damaging to me and continue being abused!!!!! Come on! this is only logical!!! Anyways, like I said, you do whatever you feel is ok for you and I have to do whatever I feel is good in my situation.You wrote that you would like to be guided if you are wrong or fall into error......that maybe God has ordained a greater purpose in my life for being placed amongst those people who really need a messenger or a prophet to help save them form their ignorance.........who am I to guide anyone....the only guide we have is God. God is our guide! Maybe one day God will guide him, will make him realise what he did, will make him follow God's path and beleive in God....maybe that might happen but I won't go over there saying
"Hey you, I'm a messenger, listen to me, change your life, stop doing evil, beleive in God.....". If God guides him to me, I will be a good person, a good Muslim and help him if he needs help but not help if he in return insults, puts me down and abuses me!!!
I came to Islam because I was leaded by God. I had no religion, I married a muslim and slowly got interested and embrassed Islam. This was the will of God, not the will of my husband who taught me a bit about Islam. My husband could of taught me about Islam until his face turned blue but it doesn't mean that I would embrace Islam and be a Muslim! God brought me to Islam because it was his will. It will be God's will if my father changes and I hope for him that he does so that he has time to repent and die a believer so that he might have a chance to escape hell. -
"Hey you, I'm a messenger, listen to me, change your life, stop doing evil, beleive in God.....". If God guides him to me, I will be a good person, a good Muslim and help him if he needs help but not help if he in return insults, puts me down and abuses me!!!
I came to Islam because I was leaded by God. I had no religion, I married a muslim and slowly got interested and embrassed Islam. This was the will of God, not the will of my husband who taught me a bit about Islam. My husband could of taught me about Islam until his face turned blue but it doesn't mean that I would embrace Islam and be a Muslim! God brought me to Islam because it was his will. It will be God's will if my father changes and I hope for him that he does so that he has time to repent and die a believer so that he might have a chance to escape hell.Peace Carly
I totally agree with what you say in your last post. Good post.
Peace Humandesign,
We can not guide those we love, or our family. We can not guide humans. Only god can guide human beings
Quran 2856 You cannot guide whom you love. But it is God who guides whom He wills; and He is fully aware of those who receive the guidance.
Quran 488 What is the matter with you that you are divided into two groups over the hypocrites, while God has regressed them for what they have earned? Do you want to guide those whom God misguides? Whoever God causes to be misguided, you will never find for him a way.
Quran2272 You are not responsible for their guidance, but it is God who will guide whoever He wishes. And whatever you spend out of goodness is for your own souls.
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Dear Carly,
I'm sorry if I sounded like it was a rant - but I did start off by saying that it is difficult for another person to advise another as other people are not equipped to understand the full circumstance - I feel only the person themselves would know whats best. Particulary you have probably endured far worse than me.
But I was trying to highlight my personal case as example of possibilities. In my case - when I see my family members - I certainly do not remember about the abuse that I receivd and I am glad for that. We only share love - perhaps that is easy becasue we have all moved on. I was only trying to say that healing on all levels is possible as I have seen it in my life with my family. Praise be to God. And aswell I do say that in my case - perhaps if I harboured resentment I know it would definitely have been a different story.
Yes I was already aware that it is God who guides pople - and not other people being responsible for that. But my understanding from the Quran is that we are supposed to do good works and enjoin righteousness and help people towards right conduct. And as I said that rest we leave to God. May be that is not your path but from personal success with my own family (on dealing with such deeper issues I guess) - I do feel it is part of my path.
David-K I never claimed to be the one responsible for guiding my family - but by your very act of replying to me and highlighting those verses - what do you think you are doing? Are you not trying to correct and perhaps guide me? I thought thats what a lot of peopel are doing on this forum- even by their replying to carly with friendly advice. ... and aswell I already said that where I do not manage with my family - I leave the rest to God. Do you not think that I am already aware of what you are trying to guide me about?
And Carly 'hey you - i'm your messenger' - is not the way my family see me. Rather they draw on the genouristy and sincerity of my personality to know that ultimately I allow them the freedom to be as they may. I only try to highlight truths and leave the rest - my family adore me to bits and can't get enough of me.
Anyhow Carly - the life goals given to us by God may be different so you go ahead and be true to yourself in the way that you are - yes you really do deserve to look after yourself first and foremost.
All the best wishes and love.
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Salam Humandesign )
This forum is a free-forum where everyone have the right to give their opinions on different things. If i want to respond to something, i do it. Just as you do. I am not trying to correct you, if i was trying to correct you i would say to you that what you said is wrong, but i just showed you another way of seeing the things you said. Remember what you said to me in another post
What you are saying sounds reasonable but there is a slight hole - in that everything can be forgiven but not idolatry yet,,,, not an atoms weight will be ignored of deeds done on earth for calculating our worth.
http//free-minds.org/forum/index.php?topic=16610.0
You said to me that their is a slight hole in what i say, that is correcting, and i agreed with it. There was a slight hole in what i said. just as there was a slight hole in what you said. You commented my post, and i commented your post.
The reason why i posted those verses in the Quran was because you said to Carly that her family may need a messenger save them from their ignorance. When you said to Carly that her family may need a messenger, that means that her family needs someone who guides them. And as we know messengers guide. Messenger = Guiders. It because of this that i posted the verses in the Quran that says that Only God can guide people . Remember pharao getting several signs and having one great messenger to guide him (Moses). But he could not be guided unless God wanted it. He could not, and did not want to change. We cannot Save people from their ignorance unless they want it themselves. We cannot change anyone on the entire earth, unless they want to change themselves. The only one that can change people is themselves. Other people can not change people, and this is one of the most truthful theories in psychology and probably 95% psychologists agree with me.
I have for example seen many women that try to change their criminal husbands, but never manage to do it. And i have also seen and heard about stories were men are trying to change their wifes that use drugs, but never manage to make them drugfree. Why do you think so many women continue in a relationship with a criminal man, or so many men continue in a relationship with a stripper or a woman that is addicted to narcotics/drugs ? Well, the reason for this is because they want to change them. But what they dont know is that they can never change them. A criminal husband or a stripper/prostitute wife will never change, unless they want it themselves. Their partners can not change them. When prophets could not change some of the misguided people like pharao etc, then how on earth can humans do it? That is because humans can't change other humans unless they want it themselves.
Humandesign you also said
- then who are we to abandon others (though also ensuring that we are not putting ourselves in jeopoardy).
Sometimes we need to abandon people for a while so they may learn a lesson for being corrupt or evil. People will never understand their wrongdoings if we don't punish them. Punishment is a part of life, and is done everywhere. At our workplace, in the school, and in the paradise. People will never learn if they don't get punished. I think Carly's father does not deserve her having contact with her. And yes, she should abandon here, at least for a period. Only that way her father can learn something. If he don't get punished by her not contacting here, he wont understand what he has done. But in my opinion people like carly's father deserve to be forgiven. We should Forgive people and by doing that we will leave the past, and it is one of the best ways to move on with our life. To write something new in for example we first need to erase the old lines, and replace them with something new. Anyway, these opinions in this paragraph are based on psychology and life experience, and to back it up further, i have wrote something in another post that might be relevant to this discussion
God is the only one that should give us orders. Quran even tells us that we should not even follow our own family in some situations, for instance; faith. So who are the **** are these people to control us? I know for sure that controlling is like borders of a country. If you let the borders be open, any criminal and illegal immigrants from everywhere will come in and take all the countries resources. Especially if the country doesn't have any rules, and then it will be anarchy/chaos. There are rules everywhere and the rules are made for a reason. They are made to prevent people to do stuff they have no right to do. That's why punishment is so effective to use, and thats why the police uses it all the time. If it where no punishment, no societies would work, no societies would maintain. The punishment makes us think twice about doing that same mistake again. And this is exactly what that should be applied to friendships to. Friendships like everything else in the world must contain some rules that we have for eachother.
http//free-minds.org/forum/index.php?topic=16346.msg162401#msg162401
These are my personal opinions and i may change at any moment. I may also be wrong about the "Punishment issue" but no one has managed to show me that it is wrong based on Quran, science, or Logic. If i later i understand that this approach is wrong i will off course change my opinions immediately.
Actually i agree with most of the things you say in your posts humandesign, and i think you are a woman with lots of knowledge. Im just very honest. I am just being myself. And you should get used to people commenting your post, and accept it, just as i accept if you or anyone else comments my posts. This is not a sunni-forum were people are not allowed to speak their minds on different issues, and personal opinions being censored etc. Here we speak our minds and be honest. But at the same time we must off course respect eachother be kind and be reasonable when we discuss )
I actually like the article in your blog very much (http//naturalhumandesign.blogspot.com/), and it inspired me to write a similar article about the "ignorance of people" that i had to deal with when i was younger. Your article in the blog is an interesting article. You should write more in the blog )
Peace,
David -
David - K
Thanks for your kind support and for going out of your way to clarify.
I think I do already agree with alll what you have said , though I havn't explicitly covered what you are saying. I really didn't feel the need to because all of that had previously been covered in this thread by the others including yourself.
So the hole (missing perspective)that you were trying to address in my point - I feel I covered it when I said
But just to balance what everyone has said on this post - Do bear in mind that the Quran also talks of God raising people/crops from the dead as a sign of all possiblities of God. Also there is a call for compassion and forgiveness.
and also I said
And the great blessing is that as per Quran we do appear to have so many options.
i.e - work with family or move away does appear to be o.k by the Quran.
It was just my intention to add the other perspective that I did not see referenced here on this thread - so to balance matters out. And perhaps in my mind I was going back to the time when I did try to move away and so it was with hindsight that I was saying to myself - 'how can you abandon' . For this is what has worked out as the truth for me personally. But I understand that aswell sometimes it indeed may be agianst the will of God - or may be in that time when I came to the point of moving away - it was because my attempts were against the will of God... who knows.
But I was trying really to give my own example and make the point that sometimes you can - help yourself in striving for family enlightenment.. but that also - only the person in that situation will know best what is right for them.
These days I do personally in my life see how God answers my prayers (maybe not always so directly - but certainly I do see the grace of it) - and so that's just something else that I wanted to add as a possiblity.
Thanks for your support anyway - I'm glad not all my efforts have been in vain!!.
I wasn't going to bother with the blog anymore - because I think I might be idolising my own life - same as the prophet is idolised in the hadith. It is soon to be deleted I'm afraid!! But I wish you all the best - it does not mean that I advocate it is not the right thing to do as far as others are concerned - just it does not feel right for me. And I do distinguish between what I see as lesser errors of life and the way of the satanic movement taking one to very serious damnation. This is a revelation I have had through personal expereince.
It is those serious matters where I know I have been brought to deep conviction that I try to speak against - I don't try to fight against everything that stands against my conscience - because yes it could be another perspective.
Anyhow best wishes to everyone.
May God keep you safe and well. -
Thanks for your understanding sister
I'm glad we agree, and i want you to know that my intentions were good. I didn't mean to correct you in any way, just showing my opinion as i mentioned earlier.
I don't think having a blog will be idolworship as long as you write articles in it that can inspire, help or motivate people. You can for instance write about "fake hadiths".
I am planning to start a blog myself in the future about "fake hadiths" and unreasonable stuff in religion. But im very busy this year, so i dont have time to start a blog. I think that having a blog can be good if we use it for informing people(contribution).
Have a nice day humandesign
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Hi there David K
Thanks for your well wishes.
I just realised a philosophical problem with what I said when I said that I didn't want my blog to become like the nature of hadith.
In this forum it appears - many people are trying to right the wrongs done by hadiths and mistranslations etc etc. The current leaders in thought obviusly have in my mind shed much insight. So we now have alot of new insights supposedly exposing the false Islam. But along with those greater insights - I also see some errors - where these new paradigms that are being campaigned for - in my mind don't entirely stand up to total integrity...
I am not a follower of hadiths but I do see that the hadiths writers were in their minds also trying to right the wrongs of their society by trying to project the context of the Quran in to practical application and creating a cohesive society and community. An example to illustrate their utility is how in the Quran it does not mention about having a clean bum before you pray whereas it deatils the wudu ) I am assumimg that the hadith writers also didn't cover that aspect because it is traditional for everyone to use water - whereas here in the west it is not taken for granted as we tend to use toilet roll. If I started advocating for this to happen - we could have the hadith of HumanDesign established!
You could even spin this whole hadith thing around on it's head and say that this forum is testimony to the compilation of new hadith - as because every post here is acting in a more modern capcity like every other hadith that has ever existed!! Think about it!
Anyhow - without saying any further to which party is most rightly guided (as in hadith V all others)- I would just like to state an observed pattern
History simply appears to be repeating itself - where leading figures are contiuously being churned for defining 'Islam'. And the sects based on differences of opnion are also evident on this forum itself and throughout all of history.
The other dilemma with my blog which I will now try to explain better is that - whilst I persnally do feel that it is highlighting soemthing very useful that current society requires to understand - at the same time I am aware of my own continuing evolutionary development - particualrly now more in the context of the Quran.
Therefore if my commitment is towards truth - then I also have to accept that I may not have 'sorted' it yet.
If I am to accept the possiblity of changes in my understanding in the future then it stands to reason that the contents of my blog may also not be timeless - the same way that the hadith may have been compiled for those people at a certain point in time. If I can't guarantee that the contents of my blog will be timeless then how can I gurantee total integrity of what I myself purport to be preaching?Partiularly as I see many leaders who may get stuck in a rut for defending their approaches because they have already established it and advocated to the public as a working system. It then becoems too difficult for them to accept change as otherwise they might lose face and support and hence power, fame or otherwise glory. That's just my personal impression of the situation.
Therefore I see how my own blog could simply be replicating the workings of a new hadtih.
Anyhow - as I've indicated before - the best I feel that I can do is simply go out there and live and try to grow by my conscience. Currently for me that is by reading and learning the Quran for myself and practicing on the job (applying myself in realtime - life itself). For me the Quran is more to do with how I live my life with the others around me and perhaps how I also call the wisdom of the Quran to the beleivers - but moreso on the job - not on the preaching and theroetical level as would be the case here in this forum.
I guess another limitation of being on this forum, that I am curently facing is that I feel my my brain is getting polluted by many differing thoughts/perspectives on verses that are being presented here. Even if I have understood something to be as false - it may still be popping up at a relevent situation and I can not be sure if it is necessarily authentic - i.e did I manage to verify it for myself in the Quran - or it was based on a disqualified perspective that I read and in my mind already acknowledged it as such on the forum. I just find myself not feeling so sure.
Better I purify my mind and sit with the Quran and try to hear it for myself. sun
So I am officially signing off now.
Best wishes to everyone on their journey in this life.. and for the hearafter....and particualrly to David K - for letting me expereince some genuine warmth here on this forum. Certainly may peace be upon you.
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Thank you for your kind words sister humandesign )
I wish you the best on your journey in this life... I am going to less time on this forum too, even dough i enjoy being here very much. I love to talk to likeminded people.us. But my time is valuable, and i should use it the best ways.
I hope you will come back on day and share your experiences and knowledge with us. Take care...
Peace and Respect
David -
Peace all,
I will recommend a great book about how to solve different kind of griefs in your life.
" The Grief Recovery Handbook" written of John W James and Russel Friedman
I have myself recently read that book and done all the homework added to it.
This book focus on the healing and then you just let it go so you can move on with new power in your life.
The ISBN 91-974796-0-8
Sis Maria
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Peace Carly
What a past.
Just wanted to say. I hope you grow in happiness and be free of any burdens and that should you face any burdens, that you overcome with all that you know and have gained in experience.
God bless
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Hi to all sun
I usually don't post and prefer to read but I'm going through a very hard time now and need some advice.To sum up the situation, I'm a Muslim, God brought me to discover Islam about 4 years ago, THANKS GOD, and my parents are Christians.
My father sexually abused me when I was young until I left his house when I was 18. I had continued to see him and visit my parents, and act like a "normal family" but at one point I started to get very mentally ill from the side effects of the abuse because until I was about 24 years old, I really didn't fully realise what had happend to me. I had blocked out a lot of the abuse from my childhood and had not dealed with it or gotten any kind of help but at one point, you cannot block it out anymore and when the gates open, everything comes flooding out! Flashbacks, nightmares, abnormal behavior, anxiety attacks. I will not go into details or explain how abuse manifests itself but just to say that when you are abused, you feel guilty, ashamed and you can still love the abuser and seek for their approval and love. It's screwed up and dealing with these emotions almost makes you want to jump off a building instead of feeling them. My father also loves to mentally torture the rest of my family including my poor mother who has suffered this for years and doesn't even realise what she endures every day of her life since it is kind of "normal" for her now to be treated like this. My mother and brother were witnesses to little things like my father's pinching my nipples and butt while passing by me, grabbing my head and stuffing his tongue down my ear, that was the abuse that everyone saw but nobody did nothing to stop or help and that was probably because they were too scared of my father because he was a very aggressive and violent man.
5 years ago, after I consulted a psychologist because I thought that I was slowly going crazy and I had fallen into alcohol, drugs, partying, abusing my own body as a punishment (tattoos, peircings, completely shaving off my hair from my head like Britner Spears,....).
The psychologist advised me that I should cut ties with my father and start to heal myself. My mother was so sad that I suddenly cut ties with my father and refused to go to visit her at her house where they both lived. I would go to meet her at her work, we would go out to do things together but I refused to go to her house. She loves to have me over for dinner and pretend that we are the "perfect family". I love her so much and I always felt so bad that I was making her very sad to not go over to see her on holidays. She loves Christmas, and I could see her suffer when she would ask me every year to go over and I would say no. She would ask me to go over on every Christian holiday and I would refuse. The day I decided to cut ties with my father, I felt an enormous amount of weight released from my chest. Every year, I would feel better. No more anxiety attacks, no more suffering of the side effects. In that time, I was brought by God to discover Islam, which helped me so much.
Early this year, I left my country and went to accept a business proposition to open a new business in another country. Once there, I had a bad experience and one partner of my new business in this new country decided that I was no longer needed and wanted me out of the company. He acused me of stealing, which was not true, and I was jailed for 3 months 10 days in a 3rd world country....it was very bad. In this time, my mother did her best to help me, send me money and just be supportive. I got out, acquited of all charges, THANK GOD, and left the country the moment that I got out of jail. I returned to my country but I didn't have a place of my own to come back to because when I left my country, I gave up my apartment. Obvioulsly, I was not in the best of shape after enduring a trial that the outcome was 15 years of jail but then the decision was reversed at the court of appeal, I was malnourished and mentally not all there. My mother came to the airport to pick me up. I had asked her to contact my ex-husband so that he could take me in for a while until I get back on my feet. He had accepted (we are still on good terms and help each other when needed). But when she was driving back from the airport, she decided that she was bringing me to her house....where my father also lives. When I was in jail, I had 104 days to think about my life, where I was heading, what I was doing. When you are in a situation like this, you realise many things that you should change to become a better person and I thought alot about my mother and my father. I thought that maybe I should just give my father another chance since my mother kept on telling me all the time during the 5 years that since I cut ties with him, that he had changed, that he cried for me, that he missed me. In jail, I had nothing. One pair of pants, one sweater and the only thing I was dying for was a Quran but I had nobody to bring me one. I was dying to read the words of the Quran to help me, guide me. In the country that I was jailed, it is an ultra Christian country and many people, even in this day and age, have no idea what Islam is and nobody had a Quran nor could they get one in because the guards revise everything that is brought into the jail and they would not let it in. I did remeber passages that talked about respecting and obeying your parents and that this was maybe the time to turn to God and accept to forgive and move on, to love and respect my parents and this would be a good chance for me to change. I love my mother so dearly and she suffers because I have split the family in 2. I thought that maybe I had to stop being like this, that I had to be the better person and be a good Muslim and obey God and his teachings. So after all this thinking and nowhere to go, I thought that going to my parents house would be a way to reconsiliate and I know that it would make my mother very happy after everything she endured of having her only daughter almost jailed for 15 year. My mother just wanted to be a "normal family". When I arrived, my father told me that he was the one who sent me money when I was in jail, then he gave me more money right then and there to help me out, he was trying to act like the hero and save the day, like trying to repair what he did or something like that. I spent a few days there, trying to avoid my father. I could see the pain in his eyes, like as if he regretted something. But he never said nothing to me. The few first days, he was as nice as he could be. Then slowly, he came back as he always is, insults and agressivity. I started to have panic attacks, anxiety attacks, crying for no reason. I knew that it was because of the abuse feelings coming back again but I told my mother that it was for what I endured in jail but little did she know that jail was nothing compared to the abuse!!! I would of given anything to get back into the dirty, disgusting jail, starving for days and sleep on the frozen floor instead of experiencing the feelings again and again of the abuse.
Then after a few days, I left, got an apartment, and I was putting my life back together again. But my mother is now happy that I am in contact again with my father and she thinks that things are back like they were before eventhough she saw some of the abuse I endured its like as if she doesn't realise it. I had tried to talk to her about it various times and she tells me that it wasn't that bad and that I should not exagerate, she pushes the subject away and gets into a bad mood.
I went to eat Christmas dinner on the 25th. My father was acting bad again, insults and agressivity, putting down my mother, bad mood,.....I started to feel bad again. I was trying to hold back on my tears and try to eat my dinner, I just wanted to throw my dish on the wall, flip the table over and tell him to shut up and stop....but I didn't. I just eat calmly and left. When I left, my mother had tears in her eyes, happy that I had finally assisted her Christmas dinner after 5 years of absence.
I have spent the past 2 days going crazy. Reliving the abuse again, reliving the pain, the suffering. I feel his hands on me, his eyes on me. Its hard to deal with.
I have decided that I will cut the ties on him again and moreso, I will tell my mother that I will not accept for her to make me feel guilty with her tears because I have decided this. I always felt sorry for her but now I realise that things will never be good, what I endured will never go away and my mother who keps on living with him, protecting him and acting like as if nothing ever happened is really starting to upset me alot. My mental health is at stake here and I don't understand why she is trying to play the guilt game on me in getting me back to where she knows that I don't like to be. Is it selfish of her part or am I bad for not obeying and respecting her wishes?
I have suffered damage that has affected my life, I cannot have a normal sexual life, I was married my poor husband went through some bad times with me when I was having the occasional anxiety attack, I do not want get married again because I have issues with sex, I am a complete mental mess, I cannot have children and it is probably linked to the sexual abuse, I have suffered too much to just love and respect parents that do not take responsibility of their actions and try to drag me back into the abuse!All I have to say is that I tried, after 5 years, I gave time to my father to fix his problem, he has not admitted of having done anything wrong nor does he take responsibility of any wrong doing and still acts like he always did except he doesn't touch me now. When I was in jail, I spoke to God alot, I told God that I have forgiven and will try to forget, I asked for forgiveness for being so selfish and not giving my father another chance and to make my mother unhappy all these years, that I will try again and give a chance but after this, nothing has changed. I tried to make my mother happy but how can I do so when to make her happy is destructive to me? or can I just void them from my life to try to salvage my own sanity?
I have not encountered any mention on how to deal with abusive parents in the Quran. I'm looking and looking but maybe one of you can help me with this. I need to know what to do. If it was just for my decision, I would block out my family and only allow my mother into my life if she stops trying to make me feel bad for breaking up her "family"....because I am sick of thinking that this is all my fault when I am the victime here. But maybe this is not what I should do, maybe God instructed something else. Please let me know if you have any clues!
And thanks for you all that has taken time to read me.Peace.
Your story is a sad one and it's one that many have to live through unfortunately.
I am thankful to God that I have never experienced what you have experienced, and God willing I never will. However, I do know what you mean when you say you want to get away from your father. I keep on dreaming of the day when I no longer have to live with my father and I can leave this wretched house. I am not comftorable around him one bit; I love him because he is my father, but in the future, I would not like to live near him. I would like to keep in touch though.
My advice to you would be to live apart from your father and to rarely have contact with him. You have to think about your health. You have to get your life back on track. I don't know what more to say but I wish you the best and always remember God.
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salam carly.
what i am going to say will not please many people. however, jihad requires bravery in the face of great odds, inshallah allah will bless me
with a thousand angels here.you state you are a muslim. you seek the assistance of muslims in overcoming your incidents. there are rules for muslims, that a muslim
must observe. let me remind you of the rule against backbiting, gheebat.you may have an issue with your father, we have heard your side of the story, we have not heard his side of the story, nor are we in a
position to judge another person. for this reason it is preferable not to identify your father in this direct manner in public, it then makes
your actions, backbiting.you could have presented the issue as a hypothetical situation, for example "a young woman is assaulted by her father..." and obtained
the information you needed, please present the subject in this manner in future.if i assume that you have presented the issue in this manner, and analyze the situation, there is an analysis that follows. i presume the
incidents took place in a western country, predominantly christian, and with a somewhat christian social structure. the first task, is to
strip away from this incident, all the confusion introduced by this christian western society.you use the term "sexual abuse" in the context of a western christian society. unfortunately, western christian society has succumbed to
commercial interests, to where everything is about the money. doctors, psychologists, advertisers, parents, are all interested in how this
gets them money.the "sexual abuse" industry has generated billions of dollars, first by traumatizing everyone to believe everything is sexual abuse of one
form or another, then convincing everyone that everything is due to sexual abuse, all the while the psychologists, doctors, law enforcement
are raking in billions of dollars in this lucractive industry.when you read the quran, you will not find any mention of "sexual abuse" what you will find is the issue of the prohibited categories of
women for believers. however, this would require the man in question, be a believer, in order to follow these rules, which in this case does
not exist.the other recourse is the criminal justice system of your country, and the personal injury lawyers, who could get you either retribution for
the crime, or damages for your injuries.what i find disturbing is, you describe actions like shaving the head, cutting oneself "like britney spears" and you say you were jailed in
another instance.there are people who have an obvious external injury like for example a broken leg. everyone agrees that the visible injury needs medical
treatment and there is no stigma attached to getting medical treatment. however, when it comes to an injured brain, symptoms of which
are cutting onself, shaving the head "like britney spears" this needs medical attention as well, unfortunately some people believe there is
a stigma attached, and sometimes the brain is injured to where the person cannot bring themselves to seek medical attention.you have a medical issue that is unresolved, you have a legal issue that is unresolved, and you have now brought yourself to the point
to where this is overwhelming. you must resolve your issues in an organized manner, consult with a medical professional about treatment
for the depression and other possible disorders, consult with an attorney about your legal issues involved. chart out a plan of action to
get well mentally, and get legal recourse for the harm you suffered.allah knows that which is in the heart.
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Peace, me at lose of words. I can imagin what u goin threw. Many go to phycologist ectt.....for help. But there is none who can really tell us about ourselves... I can give you a reading if you like. Maby it will help u understand certain things and help u focus your energy were they need to be. Me need your birthdate to do it thoe. If you want a full reading I aslo need your full name... Its alot of work but il do what I can. Other than that turn to your Lord and read the Quran at dawn and at night when u can.... peace And be paitient. God is with the paitient.
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Peace, me at lose of words. I can imagin what u goin threw. Many go to phycologist ectt.....for help. But there is none who can really tell us about ourselves... I can give you a reading if you like. Maby it will help u understand certain things and help u focus your energy were they need to be. Me need your birthdate to do it thoe. If you want a full reading I aslo need your full name... Its alot of work but il do what I can. Other than that turn to your Lord and read the Quran at dawn and at night when u can.... peace And be paitient. God is with the paitient.
What type of reading are you talking about?
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What type of reading are you talking about?
Numerology.