Trouble with such differing views
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Clearly I'm not the only one with these issues You are dead right about the children thing - things become much more complicated once there are children and it's very good to realise that before you get too far into the relationship. Praise God I did just that, but I have children already and I have experienced the ''difference in values/opinions'' already in relation to them. It is hard. Thanks for your comments.
I also have kids ... but fortunately at this stage (they're still pretty young) I am the one who is mainly teaching them about things. Even though my husband is pro-hadiths, he's not as adamant about them like his other family is.
It is a huge gap, even with us both being Muslims - we have vastly different views on things. He sometimes attacks me (verbally, not physically) and says that I don't follow Islam, or other related things. The other day he was asking if I know lyrics for certain songs - I replied in the affirmative - and his next question (which wasn't unexpected) was why I couldn't memorize the Qur'an. I told him I saw no point in memorizing it, I would just be repeating something I didn't understand. Makes perfect sense to me, but not to him. -
I also have kids ... but fortunately at this stage (they're still pretty young) I am the one who is mainly teaching them about things. Even though my husband is pro-hadiths, he's not as adamant about them like his other family is.
It is a huge gap, even with us both being Muslims - we have vastly different views on things. He sometimes attacks me (verbally, not physically) and says that I don't follow Islam, or other related things. The other day he was asking if I know lyrics for certain songs - I replied in the affirmative - and his next question (which wasn't unexpected) was why I couldn't memorize the Qur'an. I told him I saw no point in memorizing it, I would just be repeating something I didn't understand. Makes perfect sense to me, but not to him.Salaam aynur. Thanks for putting your comments in. I'm sorry to hear it's difficult with your husband. I hope that manage ok, despite these things, though I am not sure that I would. I have been in a situation similar and I found it soul destroying. I know what you mean about memorising Quran. I attended a party recently for a boy who had finished his first reading and had memorised a lot (don't think it was all) and I wondered how much understanding he had (I actually I had the urge to go and question him on things, lol, but I refrained)...inshAllah he understands a lot, but who knows. It doesn't seem to be the most important thing sometimes.
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Asalamo alaikum.
Wow what long posts! I have been at odds with the way I was taught Islam for years now. The arguing over hadiths really got to me. I have found peace through just excepting Allah's swt word. I have changed the way I pray and the amount of times I pray. My husband is beside himself. He says I am on the wrong path and to please be his soulmate and come back to the right path, as Allah swt made pairs for each of us that are of like minds. So in other words I am no longer like minded to that of my husband and it fills his heart with sadness. It's only been a week since I changed, but it has had such a significant impact on my marriage. Now I know the truth I cannot change. I have given all my evidences to my husband the rest is up to him. I just couldn't see how it could work, two people with such different views in the way we live our lives. I asked Allah to help me and as I was researching on the computer and I kept clicking on Surah 581. This happened over a period of 2 days. I eventually thought what is the Surah I keep clicking on? When I read it I was so happy! This was Allah swt telling me that it is OK I am on the right path and not to worry about my husband. AllahuAkbar! So I don't know what will happen or whether we will stay together but I know that my beautiful Creator has heard and accepted me, and that has put peace in my heart.Simone sun
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Asalamo alaikum.
Wow what long posts! I have been at odds with the way I was taught Islam for years now. The arguing over hadiths really got to me. I have found peace through just excepting Allah's swt word. I have changed the way I pray and the amount of times I pray. My husband is beside himself. He says I am on the wrong path and to please be his soulmate and come back to the right path, as Allah swt made pairs for each of us that are of like minds. So in other words I am no longer like minded to that of my husband and it fills his heart with sadness. It's only been a week since I changed, but it has had such a significant impact on my marriage. Now I know the truth I cannot change. I have given all my evidences to my husband the rest is up to him. I just couldn't see how it could work, two people with such different views in the way we live our lives. I asked Allah to help me and as I was researching on the computer and I kept clicking on Surah 581. This happened over a period of 2 days. I eventually thought what is the Surah I keep clicking on? When I read it I was so happy! This was Allah swt telling me that it is OK I am on the right path and not to worry about my husband. AllahuAkbar! So I don't know what will happen or whether we will stay together but I know that my beautiful Creator has heard and accepted me, and that has put peace in my heart.Simone sun
Wa alaikum asalaam Simone.
I'm glad that you have looked at things in a new light Simone and that it's brought you some peace. I'm sorry to hear how things are with your husband though. I can totally understand a mix of feeling blessed to be on the right path coupled with pain from the difficulty it causes with others since I have been in it too. It's really sad but inshAllah things will work out for you. Maybe he will come to see, who knows. But if a person is not already having their own doubts then this kind of thing tends to come as a huge shock.
The only Muslims that I have discussed this with outright have ended up being really shocked and it has all but ended our relationships sadly. One of them I really thought would be understanding since she does not exactly follow the majority way of doing things anyway - but when I told her about what I was doing with prayer - she became incredibly worried for me. The prayer thing is HUGE for them. Another friend has told me that if you aren't praying (or aren't praying the 5 anyway) you aren't considered Muslim...that's a common view unfortunately. It's not easy to keep respect or a relationship once someone makes that judgement.
But relationships are funny things...each one is different because each person is different. So I will pray that things for you work out. )
Good advice I came across yesterday was to remember how important it is to present nicely and not be too accusing in our dealings with those who believe hadith. I think this is even harder to do in a relationship, even though, it may be even more important. You can read it here http//free-minds.org/forum/index.php?topic=7819.0 I have made the mistake of being too blunt sometimes and it hasn't worked out well for me.
Hope you keep coming to the forum as it's a wonderful support for people like us
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Salaam.
For the love of hadith....
I just had to share this. I have been told this morning that a certain person can handle my disrespect of him (ahem) but NOT of the hadith of our Prophet Muhammad.
hmm
It's like a love affair that's going on where the lovers would kill or die rather than have anyone even criticise or question the love of their life (hadith). I'm very confused, I really am. I find myself concerned and worried at the waves of Islamophobia that are sweeping parts of the world. I think it's crazy and to some degree I feel afraid as a Muslim and a human about where all of that might end. Then on the other hand, I find Muslims who oppose discussion and difference quite scary too. I can see why some non-muslims don't like Islam. I used to argue that Islam is supportive of women - and I know it is - but it's only Islam practiced without full belief in the hadith that is supportive of women. Once you take up hadith then as a woman you can no longer consider yourself an equal. That means my argument has gone out the window because as we know the majority of Muslims DO believe and support hadith.
PS In case you are wondering I wasn't particularly disrespectful of the person, rather I spoke the truth without too much sweetener. I may have been disrespectful of hadith - not of the Prophet, but of course if you say anything against hadith that is taken to be against the Prophet.
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Greetings and peace, all. group
When I married my wife in 2007, we followed different paths. She was nominally Christian, and I followed monotheistic vedanta. The only wrinkle at the time was finding a place to get married. We chose a local UU church for the ceremony, and a magistrate court judge married us. Religion never caused any problems for us. Years pass...
In 2009, during a military deployment to Afghanistan, I reverted to/embraced Islam. I'd talked with my wife beforehand, and she was okay with it so long as I didn't try to force beliefs on her or our children. I agreed. What she presumed (and what I didn't understand) was that she thought that I'd wait until I was stateside before "becoming" muslim. That I didn't wait, that I made a major life change away from her rocked '( but didn't topple ) our marriage.
I actually believed that Islam, being Abrahamic, would bring us closer together. Her perception of Islam and the perceptions of her friends >D have hardened her heart. brickwall She embraced her beliefs more strongly as a consequence and started going to church and reading the Bible. She won't (at this juncture) consider the Qur'an. I won't divorce her over matters of religion, but I do worry over her spiritual welfare & and my inability to help her.
I thank Allah that our marriage has stabilized from the rockier times. Had it been otherwise, I would accept Allah's will and hope that Allah had better for me. I hold hope that my wife will embrace monotheism. Polytheism is illogical! Using the Bible alone, polytheism can be debunked--but only to an open mind. I have nothing against monotheists of whatever stripe. She believes that I am lost, and I believe that she is a good person who has been misled (and who persists) in worshipping a prophet. I cannot say who is lost (or saved)--that is for Allah alone.
peace ~Abdul-Hadi
Allah knows best in all things.
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thats sad to hear....ofcourse you shouldnt seperate from her due to religion...i guess just keep on trying...and be there for her nomatter what. at the end of the day that is wat we humans can do. we cant play God.but i agree...it would be very hard for you two..
maybe read the bible with her and try to ask questions and make her think? -
Greetings and peace
That's a good idea, if done delicately. I'll dust off "The Grounds of Christianity" to make a good strategy. I don't care what "religion" she claims, so long as she follows/practices monotheism. yes
I might also see if she'd go to a UU church with me--a "middle ground" to wean her off of polytheism. If Allah wills, my wife will open her mind.
Thanks for the input
~Abdul-Hadi
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Salaam to all.
This is a very sad post guys. My heart goes out to all of you and my prayers. My Husband and I have decided not to discuss the matter anymore, till he comes home ( serving a life sentence for a murder he didn't commit) He has done 19 years so far '(. His tariff is up in May next year, but because he maintains his innocence they will not release him elektro. So my husband feels that if he were home we could study the Quran together and discuss it properly yay. Something that is virtually impossible on the phone, as we have limited time (. Inshallah Allah swt will release him and reveal the truth pr.
http//www.webspawner.com/users/jchowdhary/Respectfully Yours
Simone sun
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Greetings and peace
That's a good idea, if done delicately. I'll dust off "The Grounds of Christianity" to make a good strategy. I don't care what "religion" she claims, so long as she follows/practices monotheism. yes
I might also see if she'd go to a UU church with me--a "middle ground" to wean her off of polytheism. If Allah wills, my wife will open her mind.
Thanks for the input
~Abdul-Hadi
What is a UU church?
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Forget finding someone who doesn't have the same belief system as you. Forget finding someone who does not follow islam based on Quran.You might want to teach someone abot islam, but it will take too much work, too much time and drain all your energy. And it is not a guarantee that the person will follow your belief system. It's like playing the lotto. You will most likely loose. The person will most likely not change, and not follow your belief system. Instead find someone who has the same belief system as you. Bet on a safe card. Find a finished package.
Forget what I wrote in my post (the paragraph above). I was wrong. It is not black and white. There are men and women who follow god alone in different religions and accept the truth. And some of them have the potential to accept islam based on quran after a while. We don't need to only get to know someone who has exactly the same belief system as we have. At the same time, I think that getting to know someone who is a monotheist, and believes in "islam based on quran" is ideal (the best). Some of the things I said in my post in this thread, are things i would never say now.
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It's ok to have relationship / marriage with somebody who have different views than yourself.
I've tried that many times, my list of (former) girlfriends includes
- Presbyterians christians
- Orthodox christians
- Catholics
- Ahmaddiya
- Sunni
- Atheist
And based on those experiences, I never had problems from 'belief/views' as I'm quite a 'tolerant' guy and I respect her rights of different opinions on any matters.
And I ends up married to a Sunni..
Which of course doesn't have the same 'view' as mine even up until now..
But one thing for sure
Don't get married to arrogant irrational fanatics and hooligans.. they're intolerance, never uses their brain and they're totally insane!And I'm not talking only in 'religions / hadith' kind of way but in general!
Which includes Football club fanatics, Nationality fanatics (Facist/Extreme nationalism), Racist fanatics (Their race/ethnicity are far more superior than others) etc..Salam / Peace
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Forget what I wrote in my post (the paragraph above). I was wrong. It is not black and white. There are men and women who follow god alone in different religions and accept the truth. And some of them have the potential to accept islam based on quran after a while. We don't need to only get to know someone who has exactly the same belief system as we have. At the same time, I think that getting to know someone who is a monotheist, and believes in "islam based on quran" is ideal (the best). Some of the things I said in my post in this thread, are things i would never say now.
Aww, it was nice that you posted this. I relate. People change and grow -and this forum is a great place for growth. peace
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It's ok to have relationship / marriage with somebody who have different views than yourself.
I've tried that many times, my list of (former) girlfriends includes
- Presbyterians christians
- Orthodox christians
- Catholics
- Ahmaddiya
- Sunni
- Atheist
And based on those experiences, I never had problems from 'belief/views' as I'm quite a 'tolerant' guy and I respect her rights of different opinions on any matters.
And I ends up married to a Sunni.. )
Which of course doesn't have the same 'view' as mine even up until now..
But one thing for sure
Don't get married to arrogant irrational fanatics and hooligans.. they're intolerance, never uses their brain and they're totally insane!And I'm not talking only in 'religions / hadith' kind of way but in general!
Which includes Football club fanatics, Nationality fanatics (Facist/Extreme nationalism), Racist fanatics (Their race/ethnicity are far more superior than others) etc..Salam / Peace
peace Jaffar and great points. I too am relatively tolerant. However my tolerance goes out the window when I receive intolerance back....so I'm far from perfect lol.
I am in agreement about being careful of those who are intolerant. They can change but the very nature of intolerance is that it stands in the way making it less likely for positive change to occur.
On a personal note I am not sure whether I would try another relationship where we differed on the ''basics''. Even though I am tolerant I've been burned and so I have to be honest about being quite shy of taking that chance again. Still, never say never.
