self-control from indecent activities
-
rana,
the info that we have here.....
person is committing 'indecent' activities. says doesn't want to but does it repeatedly. feels guilty, repents, makes promises but keeps committing the indecent activities. and wanting to know how to stop.
It doesn't say anything about ''indecency'' in there and I'm just saying (though perhaps I could have put it more gently) that when I read the statement the I don't necessarily conclude anything as serious as a disorder. I suppose the last part, about making promises to Allah then committing the action again does seem to suggest that it is something of concern....
I'm a little wary of disorders involving things like 'sex', 'pornography' and the 'internet'. Though, I do feel more comfortable when disorder is used merely as a descriptor for the act in question being a problem for the person involved - i.e. they can't stop using it, it's causing them problems in their life, they spend increasing time doing it...to me it seems like a habit that got waaaay out of control. I'm not saying it can't become severe but these things are always a continuum and even when people do go through a stage of not being able to stop a certain behaviour it doesn't mean that it will always be like that or that they need intervention. Many times even without clinical intervention people change themselves and/or heal themselves.
You might be right justamuslim ) but either way, you are right that if it's a problem that can't be fixed through trying different things at home and it is causing the persons life (family, social, work etc) to fall apart then it is definitely worth discussing with a Dr to see if further help might be needed. I hope I've made my point more clear. peace
....
we are not talking about someone who is addicted to caffeine, tobacco products, someone who is a diabetic but doesn't take care of self, etc where self-control is the issue. we are talking about a person who is committing indecent activities repeatedly, feeling guilty, repents but does it over and over again.
Did they say it wasn't caffeine, tabacco or lack of self-care? I must have missed that part.
-
rana,
the title of the post is "self-control from indecent activities".
true there are people who can stop their self-destructive behavior on their own but after how much damage to the spirit, mind, body, family though? i know people who have lost everything - family, job, house, their health. there are those who say 'this is the last time i will gamble, drink, do drugs, etc" swearing that they will quit, making promises and family members believe or want to believe. when you have someone engaged in self-destructive behavior, some kind of intervention needs to happen. depending on what the destructive behavior is, family members or friends may not be able to help or know how to help the person out.
if the person is living in US, mental and medical care are easily accessible. also there are support groups, organizations that people can turn to. my concern is whoever this person is, i sure hope that s/he will get the kind of help that is needed. i just don't think the problem is self-control. i think it is much more than that. why is this person engaging in the activity in the first place? what's going on? it doesn't make him feel good but why is he doing it over and over again? he repents, but yet goes back to doing the same thing.
To me, this is a cry, scream for help. and spiritual support is integral in helping this person.
-
rana,
the title of the post is "self-control from indecent activities".
Lol - I stand corrected then (and had better take more care in future to check the subject headings). hypno
true there are people who can stop their self-destructive behavior on their own but after how much damage to the spirit, mind, body, family though? i know people who have lost everything - family, job, house, their health. there are those who say 'this is the last time i will gamble, drink, do drugs, etc" swearing that they will quit, making promises and family members believe or want to believe. when you have someone engaged in self-destructive behavior, some kind of intervention needs to happen. depending on what the destructive behavior is, family members or friends may not be able to help or know how to help the person out.
if the person is living in US, mental and medical care are easily accessible. also there are support groups, organizations that people can turn to. my concern is whoever this person is, i sure hope that s/he will get the kind of help that is needed. i just don't think the problem is self-control. i think it is much more than that. why is this person engaging in the activity in the first place? what's going on? it doesn't make him feel good but why is he doing it over and over again? he repents, but yet goes back to doing the same thing.
To me, this is a cry, scream for help. and spiritual support is integral in helping this person.
One reason people continue in these things is the 'short-term' gain. So it 'does' make them feel good in the short term, but it's a false thing because the guilt, disappointment etc follow. Often we know it's not for the best but sometimes, or with some things, we get locked into that despite knowing it's not good. So, do you think that those people who continue despite these negative feelings are suffering from ''addiction'' in a similar way to drug-addicts? Do you think it's to do with brain wiring, chemistry or something else? It certainly is a big problem in society. )
-
rana,
there is not an easy, simple answer to your questions. addiction comes in different shapes and forms. religious obsession and idolizing can also be forms of 'addiction' but that's a different thread. i am sure if i start such a thread, will have quite a discussion!
sticking to our topic, let's take smoking for instance. smoking has no medical benefits and yet people smoke. it has no benefits, causes sickness, suffering, death, not to mention costs a lot. so why do people do it? when or how do people start smoking?
over time, there's a pyschological and physical dependence. there are those who want to quit and are highly motivated but have a hard time. medications do help with the physical dependence but there's also the psychological dependence. cigarettes have a calming affect. when people who smoke experience acute stress, they grab for the cigarettes. unless this behavior is modified, longterm success is hard to achieve. how many smokers quit but then resume smoking?
people experience shortness of breath, wheezing, get pneumonia, are on oxygen, etc and yet can't stop the smoking although clearly are suffering. even after storke or heart attack, some continue to smoke. why?
is it that people who smoke simply lack self-control. the answer is yes and no. for some the problem is just that - lack of self-control. but for some, it is more than that. in addiction, lack of self-control is just one component. when the tobacco is taken away, cannot function. although the behavior is causing suffering and illness, still continuing to smoke. there are those who say they are not dependent on the smoking and can quit anytime. ok then what are they waiting for, why don't they? there are those who do quit smoking on their own but doesn't mean that they were not addicted to it.
when you engage in a self-destructive behavior repeatedly, the brain is disordered. whatever immediate gratification the person gets results in harmful consequences. to stop the self-destructive behavior, more than just the lack of self-control need to be addressed. some people who try to quit smoking, experience irritability, headache, just an ill feeling. so physical dependence needs to be addressed. also, behavior modification need to be addressed. if the person grabs for the cigarette when subjected to stress, the behavior needs to be modified. they need to learn to grab onto something else when subjected to stress. i know especially woman who smoke because cigarettes are appetite suppressants and fear gaining weight. so, it is not strictly a problem of self control in these people.
some who engage in self-destructive behavior have other underlying issues. what appears to be lack of self control may not be the problem. people treat their depression, anxiety, unhappiness in life with alcohol, food, drugs, etc. so the underlying problem need to be addressed. also, spiritual suffering needs to be addressed.
the problem is multitude - wiring of the brain, chemistry, upbringing, learned behavior, personality, poor coping skills, spirituality, etc.
and yet the solutions are in the Koran for simplifying our lives.
-
Peace justamuslim. Thanks for taking the time to answer so thoroughly.
Smoking is an interesting one...it always surprises me the number of people I see that give up whether just using their will power or using patches/gum, but don't change their behaviours. The way you socialise and who you socialise with counts for a lot imho. I have seen a lot of people fail and I'm fairly sure they'd have had better chance if they'd combined attacking the physical addiction aspect with things such as socialising with different people (non-smokers) and socialising in different settings. Sometimes smokers are so used to sitting down for a coffee with a cigerette in their hand that it can help to change the smaller things too - stop doing the things you normally do when smoking and it can help to break the cycle.
I think you are right about reasons underlying smoking and many other problems being multitudinous. Unfortunately it makes it harder to plan the attack.
-
aoa guys,
what is the best way to control oneself from committing actions one commits without wanting to and then feels guilty about doing that (asks repentance and makes a promise with Allah that he/she will not commit the action again but it happens again and again).
thanks in advance )
My first guess? Remembrance of Allah.
If a person has to prostrate themselves and recite Qu'ran nonstop for several whole days to keep from committing this act, then that is what they have to do. If it doesn't take that much, then they are fortunate to have superior self-control.
Here are some verses
Recite what is sent of the Book by inspiration to thee and establish Regular Prayer for Prayer restrains from shameful and unjust deeds; and remembrance of Allah is the greatest (thing in life) without doubt. And Allah knows the (deeds) that ye do. 2945
Recite what is sent of the Book by inspiration to thee and establish Regular Prayer for Prayer restrains from shameful and unjust deeds; and remembrance of Allah is the greatest (thing in life) without doubt. And Allah knows the (deeds) that ye do. 2945
Those who fear Allah when a thought of evil from satan assaults them bring Allah to remembrance when lo! they see (aright)! 7201
O ye who believe! when ye meet a force be firm and call Allah in remembrance much (and often); that ye may prosper. 845
I hope this helps in some way!
-
Thanks for all the responses guys, much appreciated.
For all of you wondering what the problem is, it's related to homosexuality (getting turned on by gay porn etc - haven't had gay sex yet and never plan too). I am heterosexual and I know it but I guess I am going through a phase. I have decided to put an end to this by staying away from activities that may attract me to such activities. I also believe getting closer to Allah will help me battle what I am going through at the moment.
-
For all of you wondering what the problem is, it's related to homosexuality (getting turned on by gay porn etc - haven't had gay sex yet and never plan too).
Did it again ... got a guy to wank me off and kissed for 2 secs .. whats happening to me? I kno i m not gay cus I dont attracted to guys but when i wrestle then all of this happens. GOnna stop wrestling ... GOD HELP ME PLEASE!
Please stop trolling the forum.
-
-
I was about to mention the fact that he seems to be asking whether he should get married in another thread - while here he is telling us about his issues with gay porn....then I saw your post. Thank you savage_carrot.
And he would have got away with it, if it weren't for you meddling kids!
-
cyrus,
i am glad that you have made the choice to stop watching porn (gay or otherwise). satan has vowed to stray people away and if you listen to and are influenced by satan, it is your soul that suffers taking you down a path of darkness, distress and disease in this life and in the life hereafter. if you find yourself pulled in the direction of engaging in the activity (and it is going to happen), seek God! grab the koran. depending on where you are living, there are professionals who can help you. do whatever it takes, and don't feel embarrassed in wanting to get help and getting better.
pornography is a problem in the muslim community - one of the reasons for divorce in the united states. yet, not addressed by the community.
-
cyrus,
i am glad that you have made the choice to stop watching porn (gay or otherwise). satan has vowed to stray people away and if you listen to and are influenced by satan, it is your soul that suffers taking you down a path of darkness, distress and disease in this life and in the life hereafter. if you find yourself pulled in the direction of engaging in the activity (and it is going to happen), seek God! grab the koran. depending on where you are living, there are professionals who can help you. do whatever it takes, and don't feel embarrassed in wanting to get help and getting better.
pornography is a problem in the muslim community - one of the reasons for divorce in the united states. yet, not addressed by the community.
Pornography is a problem in every society that has access to it I believe. I feel really sad for those growing up today because I think the expectations in that area, due to pornography, are so vastly different from what was intended. I'm not suggesting prudishness by any means but it's a jungle out there for the young. Just my opionion admittedly.
justamuslim I think it's been established (sadly) that cyrus was a troll. )
-
rana,
in reading cyrus past posts, seems he has been struggling with homosexuality for sometime now. he could be just a troll but then again, there are people out there like cyrus who are struggling with issues like homosexuality. the topic that he brings up is real.
i am sure pornography is worldwide. but i don't know of studies done outside looking at social issues. the number of marriages that end in divorce amongst muslim in united states has been on the rise and people started looking into it finding that - infidelity and pornography were one of the reasons.
sex has sadly been reduced to that of an animal having sex without love, commitment, monogamy, strengthening the bond between two people, feeling peaceful.
-
he could be just a troll but then again, there are people out there like cyrus who are struggling with issues like homosexuality. the topic that he brings up is real.
@ justamuslim you're right - the topic is real. He did appear to be a troll but if he wasn't (or isn't) then I do hope he considers leaving the possibility of marriage to another time, for the woman's sake, so he can be sure he isn't just using her in order to present in a heterosexual light or because he wants to have children and the kind of supportive partner that maybe he feels he couldn't have if he has relationships with men. I've seen it happen and it's really destructive and sad when the woman involved is unaware and thinks she is getting a real marriage, real husband, real life with someone. I'm not saying that his issues are unimportant, I'm just hoping that he doesn't drag someone else into them unknowingly because it's not just.
-
rana,
totally agree! i know people who hurt their spouses and spouses who were hurt. if cyrus thinks getting a girlfriend or marrying is the solution, it is not. this is something that he needs to figure out for himself before hurting a whole lot of people.