Partner's parents living with us after marriage

Comrox

Peace Comrox,

Personally, I can't imagine living with my parents in law or my parents the first 10-20 years of my marriage (if I get married in the future). I don't know if it's a good idea to let ones parents live in the homes for the elderly when they get old. When someone is a child, he or she is weak and needs help from his or her parents. Thus, the parents of the child helps their child. When parents of the child get old, they become weak and need help from their son or daughter. Thus, the son or daughter helps his or her parents. The children gets help from his or her parents when he or she is a child and is weak. And the son or daughter gets help from his or her parents when they become old and are weak. This seems to be a natural cycle. Therefore, it might be a good idea to live with or close to ones parents in law or ones parents when they get old.

I agree. My parents, while getting older, are still very healthy right now, and I see the way they behave with my paternal grandmother and maternal grandparents, who are still alive. My father visits his mother almost every day of the week (or at least multiple times a week), and we have another family member who cares for her (getting groceries, washing dishes, doing laundry) a few days a week. They're trying to keep her in her own place as long as possible. My mother is also helping her parents set up doctor appointments and pay for medical bills. So as my partner's parents get older, and mine as well, I have no problem taking care of them and supporting them in whatever way possible. Until that point though, I don't think I want to live with anyone who is physically, emotionally, and financially capable of caring for themselves.

Personally, I am reluctant to give advice to others regarding relationships and other issues in life. Thus, I don't not want tell you if it is right or wrong to live with the parents of your partner. The reason why I am reluctant to give advice to others regarding relationships and other issues in life, is because of a very important lesson I learned in one of my past jobs. In that job, my bosses taught me to not tell my clients what they should do if they ask for my advice. They taught me to be neutral if my clients would ask me for advice. Because if I told them what they should do, and my advise was bad, then I would mislead them. And if I misleaded them due to my advice, then I would get bad karma. For example, if one of my female clients told me that her husband have treated her very bad the last few days, and that she is considers to leave him, and asked me what she should do, then I wouldn't tell her what she should do. I wouldn't tell her to leave her husband or stay with. Instead, I would ask her the following question What do you think is the right thing to do? And then I would tell her that she needs to find out what she must do on her own. If I told one of my female clients that she should leave/divorce her husband, then I might have done a grave mistake. Because even though her husband has treated her bad a few days, it doesn't mean that he will continue to treat her bad in the future. People can change. Some people do bad/wrong deeds, not because they are bad, but because they don't know better.

I understand where you're coming from. A large part of personal growth, I feel, is knowing what you need to do, that's best for yourself as an individual, and making the decisions to carry it out. Even if it turns out to be the wrong decision, at least I'll know that there will be no one else to blame and I sincerely did at one point think I was doing what was best for me.

As mentioned earlier, my bosses taught me to not tell my clients what they should do if they ask for my advice. They taught me to be neutral if my clients would ask me for advice. Because if I told them what they should do, and my advise was bad, I would mislead them. And then I would get bad karma. Also, by giving my clients any advice, I would make them dependent on me for help/assistance. It seems that the greatest service one can do for someone is to help them to help themselves. It seems that people can only thrive if they take responsibility for their lives and make decisions on their own. The more decisions peoeple make, the better they become at making decisions. Decision-making is a skill, just like anything. The more you practice a skill, the better you get at it. As a saying goes, "Practice makes perfect." Paradoxically, the more we help someone, the more help they need. For example, if the parents of a man or woman, always help him or her when he or she needs to change the tires of his or her car, then he or she will never learn how to change the tires of his or her car. But if the parents of a man or woman and no one else for that matter, never help him or her to change his or her tires, then he or she will be forced to always change his or her tires on her own. And sooner or later, he or she will become very good at it.

I agree. Growing up I've seen this constant "I'll help you" behavior in my parents. It never helped my brother and I - it only made us less able to deal with (common) issues and situations in life.

I'm actually wondering now if I would see reversed roles with my partner's parents - I wouldn't want them to be too dependent on us when they are still capable of being independent. That's why I'm glad right now that my partner and his parents have been facing a separation for the last few weeks. I feel that it's healthy for them both to have a healthy distance sometimes, but maybe that's just my less family-oriented culture speaking. -\

Since I am reluctant to give advice to others regarding relationships and other issues in life, I can not give you any advice. It's called "add vice" for a reason. But I can tell you what I personally do in regard to making important decisions. When I have to make a very important decision I like to do a cost-benefit analysis. I haven't done a cost-benefit analysis every time I have made important decisions the last few years. But I have done it several times in the last few years. From my experience, a cost-benefit analysis is very useful/helpful if one wants to make important decisions in life.

A cost-benefit analysis is a good idea. I'll get that started. Thanks.

I could think of letting an elderly parent move into my home if it was big enough, because I think it is the responsibility of their children to take care of them in old days if they need. It was better in the past low density communities where there were often multiple smaller buildings nearby each other.

But there is no reason to move in a healthy parent in your house even if they could live nearby. I have read of older Semitic tradition and they did not, at least not always, live whole families in one and the same building.

Be well
Amenuel

I agree. I'm thinking now that I would be okay with them having a place nearby while they are still physically capable, and in the meantime build a small (but still large enough to be comfortable and have all the necessities) separate building on our own property (of course we would need to have a property large enough for this to be done). His parents can move in there when they need assisted care, so my partner can have them close and cared for, and I can still maintain the physical space I need. I'm hoping that my partner can agree to this once I talk to him about this idea.

That is not entirely correct, Imran. A daughter-in-law or son-in-law are like the real sons or daughters of their mother- and father-in-law. This is because when man and woman cleave together and are as one body and this means he is her and she is him, and that practically means his parents are her parents and her parents are his parents.

The relationship with God works the same, i.e. you should be in God and God in you, since everything goes down to Oneness ultimately.

Be well
Amenuel

I feel like this "merging" should be accomplished between partners, but I'm not sure how easily parents (or even spouses) can accept this idea.

yeh ammaneul i beleive same,

but imposing on them the burden of your parents is something which every women never understand. most of the women and husbands never accept this issue thats y disputes happens in the family, otherwise if we think positive things will be more favorable for both of the parties.

peace

I actually read a study on this 2 days ago - Men and women perceive in-laws differently.

"Close in-law ties between a husband and his wife's parents are reinforcing to women and connect him to her," she said. "When a husband gets close to his wife's parents, this says to her 'Your family is important to me because I care about you. I want to feel closer to them because it makes me feel closer to you.' And of course, that makes us as women feel really good."
Being a daughter-in-law can be much trickier. On one hand, a woman may be more likely to form a bond with a man's parents when she wants to change something about him or get him to agree with her about an aspect of child-rearing -- essentially, trying to get his parents on her "side." This closeness can result in a unified front against the husband and, as you might imagine, is apt to infuriate him.
Yet a tight relationship with the in-laws can also backfire for many women Closeness may give a mother-in-law a greater sense of access and ability to cross boundaries and meddle, which can seem threatening, particularly if a woman feels that her in-laws are interfering with her identity as a wife and mother.
Orbuch says that in her long-term study, she found in-law ties to be very stressful for women.
"If women are close to their in-laws, especially early in marriage, this interferes with or prevents them from forming a unified and strong bond with their husband," she said. "Also, since women are constantly analyzing and trying to improve their relationships, they often take what their in-laws say as personal and can't set the clear boundaries."

Source http//www.cnn.com/2012/12/13/health/kerner-inlaws/

es

Anyway, my partner (Pakistani background, if that helps) and I (white American girl) had a long discussion tonight. He expressed that if his parents like me and accept me well enough, that they're most likely going to want to move in with us. In his mind, my partner is prepared to have us all live together (myself, him, and his parents) and sort out our issues and disagreements and live together in eventual harmony like one big happy family.

As far as I can see, at this point, it's a none issue. From the above, it seems that his parents don't know about you, or at least, haven't formally met you. If they didn't like you/ what they felt you represent as someone of a different culture, would your partner still marry you or, would his parents even want to move in with you.

There are many possibilities at this stage.

es

Tradition? In 2016? Thank you for this info, I 'll be careful not to let a Pakistani or South Asian woman steal my heart in any event.

I can't imagine living with my parent or parent in law after marriage. I d prefer not to even live in the same town with them. However nice they may be, I just can't be my full self around elders. One of the joy in marriage is that you leave your parents, raise your home where you are your own boss and have your partner fully to yourself. Having a parent living with you would take away the this.

Well, we have a duty to our parents.

Comrox

As far as I can see, at this point, it's a none issue. From the above, it seems that his parents don't know about you, or at least, haven't formally met you. If they didn't like you/ what they felt you represent as someone of a different culture, would your partner still marry you or, would his parents even want to move in with you.

There are many possibilities at this stage.

Correct that his parents haven't formally met me. We both believe that they have some sort of idea of what's happening, though, and he's started to approach the topic with them.

If they rejected me, my partner would still marry me, but no, I doubt they would want to move in with us.

imrankhawaja

Well, we have a duty to our parents.

exactly and this duty assigned to us by our creator. so tradition or 2016 doesnt matter ,

even in 3016 the message will be same, take care of your parents.

Comrox

exactly and this duty assigned to us by our creator. so tradition or 2016 doesnt matter ,

even in 3016 the message will be same, take care of your parents.

It's a very broad command to "take care of _____." That could mean anything. For some people, it could mean personally housing parents in their old age. For others, it could mean visiting them weekly in a nursing home. And for another group of people, it could mean sending a check and a Mother/Father's Day card once a year.

Times are changing. People live longer now. But there's still a cost to be paid. I see a decline in the quality of life, for all those involved. I do personally believe that children should take care of their parents in an older age, but they still need help and psychological care for themselves. It's a never-ending cycle. As people get harder to care for, and matters get more complicated, primary caregivers suffer. We should care for our parents, but we need not neglect ourselves or our needs entirely in the process.

It's a complicated situation, especially if all those involved have different views and ways of going about one's care.

unknownuser

Peace,

If anyone feels that the care (food, shelter, love, clothing, support etc) they received as children is NOT also owed to their parents then that is a violation of God's injunctions.

Throwing parents into old age homes and care centres (very popular here in western culture) does not come under "kindness" and certainly not "do good to parents". This comes under neglect and irresponsibility.

Selfishness knows no happiness. If you think you wont have any relationship problems if you do away with parents you are fantasizing the impossible. Problems and conflicts are inevitable in human interactions and will come with or without parents and irrespective of culture.

I dont know much about the specific details in this case but if the parents are independent and wish to live separately then it should be fine. But if the parents are their son's dependents (and they will be at some point in time - "old age&quot then they have to be taken in and cared for regardless of what their character is like. It is quite a serious matter to the point where God has forbidden us to show even mere signs of frustration and annoyance to aged parents. Anyone who has studied and read the Quran knows these injunctions.

Sorry if I am blunt but there it is.

imrankhawaja

It's a very broad command to "take care of _____." That could mean anything. For some people, it could mean personally housing parents in their old age. For others, it could mean visiting them weekly in a nursing home. And for another group of people, it could mean sending a check and a Mother/Father's Day card once a year.

no, taking care means , look after them , respect them, never say slightiest gesture of anger "uff" to them. if they get old help them doing their works like they help us when we are unable to wash ourself , 5560 Is there any reward for goodness except goodness?

what you are reffering by taking care is selfisness, if parents do the same , i mean when u born they give it to you in the hands of orphan house, or send you check after every one year, and never paly with you, never teach you anything, never look after you, never protect you from bad people, how you feel when you get young,

Man_of_Faith

"If women are close to their in-laws, especially early in marriage, this interferes with or prevents them from forming a unified and strong bond with their husband," she said. "Also, since women are constantly analyzing and trying to improve their relationships, they often take what their in-laws say as personal and can't set the clear boundaries."

It is important for the husband to remember another part of Genesis, i.e. to "break away" from the parents and cleave unto their wife. It implies that they exit the close community with the parents to another community with the wife. His wife is then the focal point and there should be no distraction. The man and the woman should then merge and see their spouse as their second half which means she is him and he is her, and this bond makes it easier to pass the life test when they complement each other's bodies' weaknesses because they learn to live in the other body. That is at least how it is supposed to be, but in some cases the man thinks to be above the woman and then it does not work as intended. Together with the spouse they lead things in their family and should practice on this and then if parents neglect this it can put stress to the relationship and they do not become independent which is important too. Instead of the parents telling them what to do, both should tell themselves and potential offspring what to do, they are the parents now. And if elderly parents enter their home because they need to be cared for then they are not above the parents in the home and the parents control the home still, because their children did separate from them to form a union with a foreign man or woman which woman took their mother's role and the man taking their father's role, meaning the elderly retired parents need to remember their retired role and that their time of fathering or mothering their children is over. If the elderly parents need aid their children kind of owe them to be treated like children that needs to be cared for. If the retired parents can remember this there will not be much interference.

Marriage is a good training for the unity of God.

Be well
Amenuel

Comrox

Peace,

If anyone feels that the care (food, shelter, love, clothing, support etc) they received as children is NOT also owed to their parents then that is a violation of God's injunctions.

Throwing parents into old age homes and care centres (very popular here in western culture) does not come under "kindness" and certainly not "do good to parents". This comes under neglect and irresponsibility.

Selfishness knows no happiness. If you think you wont have any relationship problems if you do away with parents you are fantasizing the impossible. Problems and conflicts are inevitable in human interactions and will come with or without parents and irrespective of culture.

I dont know much about the specific details in this case but if the parents are independent and wish to live separately then it should be fine. But if the parents are their son's dependents (and they will be at some point in time - "old age&quot then they have to be taken in and cared for regardless of what their character is like. It is quite a serious matter to the point where God has forbidden us to show even mere signs of frustration and annoyance to aged parents. Anyone who has studied and read the Quran knows these injunctions.

Sorry if I am blunt but there it is.

What I have said earlier (sending money and a check, throwing people in a nursing home and never seeing them again, etc.) - I don't agree with as good care towards a parent, at all. I'd like to make that clear. I was just using that as examples of what some people seem to think "care" towards their parents is.

I didn't remember reading the verse that specifically spoke about parents in old age, but I see it now

And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour. (Quran 1723)

Other verses I've found, if anyone else wants to refresh themselves on this collection

And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy, and say My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was small. (Quran 1724)

And We have enjoined on man (to be dutiful and good) to his parents. His mother bore him in weakness and hardship upon weakness and hardship, and his weaning is in two years give thanks to Me and to your parents, unto Me is the final destination. (Quran 3114)

But if they (both) strive with you to make you join in worship with Me others that of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not, but behave with them in the world kindly, and follow the path of him who turns to Me in repentance and in obedience. Then to Me will be your return, and I shall tell you what you used to do. (Quran 3115)

And we have enjoined on man (to be dutiful and good) to his parents. His mother bore him in weakness and hardship upon weakness and hardship... (Quran 3114)

O John! Hold fast the Scripture. And We gave him wisdom while yet a child. And (made him) sympathetic to men as a mercy (or a grant) from Us, and pure from sins and he was righteous. And dutiful towards his parents, and he was neither an arrogant nor disobedient (to God or to his parents). (Quran 1912-14)

Verily! I am a slave of God. He has given me the Scripture and made me a Prophet; and He has made me blessed wheresoever I be, and has enjoined on me prayer, and alms, as long as I live, and dutiful to my mother, and made me not arrogant, unblest. (Quran 1930-32)

Worship God and join none with Him (in worship); and do good to parents (Quran 436)

(Source of Qur'an verse translations http//www.islamreligion.com/articles/1624/viewall/kindness-to-parents/)

One thing I noticed in common in these verses is the word "dutiful." The definition of "dutiful" conscientiously or obediently fulfilling one's duty.

So then the question is, what specifically is one's duty to their parents, according to the Qur'an? All I see in these verses is

Be good to your parents
Be kind to them, even if they're trying to get you to worship other than God
Be appreciative of what they have experienced and sacrificed for your upbringing, and ask for God's mercy upon them because of what they went through
When they reach old age, don't shout, be disrespectful, and instead address them honorably

I don't see where Qur'an says that we are specifically required to take in our parents in our own homes, unless I'm missing something. I don't think we should just abandon our parents, no, not at all. But I don't see anything inherently wrong with a person paying others for a service (like assisted living) and making sure their parent is well cared for, and visiting he/she a few times a week or once a week to spend time with their parent, take them out to dinner, go shopping, go to a family event, etc. Maybe it's not the best situation, or like how a person grew up as a child, but maybe it's the only choice an adult daughter or son has, for whatever reason.

I don't think people are black and white, and I don't think situations are either. What about people who are completely poor? Homeless? How are they able to financially and physically support their parents, when they don't even have the means of caring for themselves? What about parents who act or have acted terribly towards their children (such as abused them, or disowned them)?

no, taking care means , look after them , respect them, never say slightiest gesture of anger "uff" to them. if they get old help them doing their works like they help us when we are unable to wash ourself , 5560 Is there any reward for goodness except goodness?

what you are reffering by taking care is selfisness, if parents do the same , i mean when u born they give it to you in the hands of orphan house, or send you check after every one year, and never paly with you, never teach you anything, never look after you, never protect you from bad people, how you feel when you get young,

I don't believe that a parent should treat their child like that at all, or vice versa. I was just using those as examples. I don't agree with it, but I do think that for some people, "caring" for someone may mean just throwing money at them.

I have aunts and uncles who live across the country from my grandmother, and don't seem to care that much. She has Alzheimer's, and her condition has been getting worse lately. In comparison, I see my father shouldering the responsibility of caring for her all on himself, almost. I see what it does to him.

What I am trying to say here is that yes we do need to care for our parents, but we shouldn't neglect ourselves either. Situations are complicated. What about when a parent lives with one child, how is another child supposed to show their love and care to that parent? There needs to a balance. Too much care going only one way doesn't work.

unknownuser

Peace,

You are trying to link unrelated situations. So normal injunctions in dire situations do not apply. If a child is incapable or is in dire circumstances unable to provide for himself/herself adequately then logically he/she cannot take care of his/her parents either and for that matter I cannot see how he/she can think about marriage. Let's be clear, the situation being discussed is not a dire situation and the nature of the concern is of annoyance/inconvenience and hurdles on the part of parents.

Being good and appreciating to parents does not merely mean smiling at them or giving them hugs. You can do that to distant relatives too, it doesn't mean much.

There's no question of disrespect to parents, it's not a favor to be kind to your parents, you have to be. Then comes duty to parents which includes proper and real care. You are confusing duty to be mere etiquette, that is not the context of the Quran's verses at all.

Similarly merely stating "I believe in God" does not mean you actually do nor does it mean you are fulfilling an injunction. As per the Quran, believing in God means to uphold God's injunctions.

Similarly, giving alms with the ulterior motive of getting popular in the eyes of others does not mean you are fulfilling the injunction of giving alms to the poor.

Similarly paying another organization for the care (no matter how good or expensive the care maybe) of your parents for the ulterior motive of keeping them out of your life does not come under "doing good to parents" nor being "dutiful".

Parents sacrifice a lot to bring us up and nothing short is expected of us in turn, that - is being dutiful. I admire your father, he has the right sense of responsibility, he is the one truly appreciating and being dutiful to his mother, and your partner has the right attitude as well. His gesture of offering his parents to live as a family is a gesture of appreciation and kindness.

You don't have to take them in if they are independent or wish to live separately. Like I stated in my previous post earlier and I'll elaborate, it varies from situation to situation. If they are dependent/old and frail, then they should be taken in - THAT is being dutiful.

If someone can afford marriage, then he/she is definitely able to afford the care of his/her parents. Marriage is a want and a desire, not a need/requirement. Responsibility comes first and wants come later. And if they go together, desire cannot come before responsibility especially in the case of parents.

The case of your aunts/uncles not caring is not relevant, in that these scenarios are not a license for "it's alright, many people don't". How they and your father share responsibility can easily be arranged through mutual agreement. If one or more are not doing their part, then the burden of their deeds and their neglect will be on them, and it will catch up. No one escapes from God's reckoning, even if many appear to do so from this world.

Quran 314 Beautified for mankind (is) love (of) the (things they) desire - of women and sons and heaps stored up of gold and silver, and horses branded, and cattle and tilled land. That (is) provision (of) life (of) the world but God - with Him (is an) excellent abode to return.

Marriage is a want and a desire, not a need/requirement.

If someone can afford marriage, then he/she is definitely able to afford the care of his/her parents. Responsibility comes first, wants come later, and if they are to go together, responsibility cannot be transferred to someone else over desires without being called a far-cry.

Of course it's your life, you do whatever you wish. To each their own.

huruf

Ido not think I feel comfortable or that it is altogether just and fair to make the matters into if you can afford marrying you can affor such and such. Is that a material question?

One may afford marrying a certain person and not other persons, and by the same token not afford other things, including taking up the parents in the own home.

On the other hand what parents would like to be a burden of any kind for their children beyond what is strictly unavoidable? However some parents in fact do so and do so to rule their children and mostly their daughter in law and in no few occasions destroy marriages and poison whole families.

On the other hand many parents would rather stay intheir homes till death than move to their children's homes. So, if we insist that parents should live with their children if the latter can afford it, that would mean forcing the children to live in their parents homes. Do the parents want that? Do the children want that?

I think that rather than speak in terms of self-sacrifice as if self-sacrifice would be by itself good and the solution to everything, we should look, everybody should look, for the arrangment that best suits everybody, EVERYBODY. Marriage is a want and parents are a duty, well then for the parents was it a want also? If we put it in thoe terms, half humanity might dissapear into non existence.

Marriage is a legitimate want and no parent worth that name would seek his or her satisfaction depriving the children of marriage if they want it.

We should not force people's options into Yes or No to this or that. It would be arbitrary and inhuman. We should look for the most satiafactory solution for every ligitimate and authentic need and want.

May be somebody's parents want to live with the children because simply they have not thought about any other possibility or are in the belief that any other possibility is beyond reach or are in the unfounded belief that any other possibility is a failure of some kind or not acceptable for whatever preconceived notion, not becaue they absolutely want it by themselves.

Some parents may be a bliing in some homes, well and good. But it should not be projected that if it is not so, somebody is failing or acting wrong or being a monster. Many, many people parents do not live with their married children and are in best of terms and love and do care for each other like what they are, parents and children. On the other hand in those past times where people would not help but live severl generations in the same house, it was not always so gentle for the older. Myths are myths and have made the misfortune of many people and the old times when old people were so much cared for and all, were true in some cases and real horrors in others.

Old people mostly do not want to be moved out of their homes nor necesarily want the constant demands of many or few people busying around them. They have a right to led a restful life if they want so.

The god of sacrifice for the sake of sacrifice is a very mean God. The Qur'an enjoins us always to look for that which is most fair and gentle to all, bil ma3ruf.

Salaam

Comrox

Peace,

You are trying to link unrelated situations. So normal injunctions in dire situations do not apply. If a child is incapable or is in dire circumstances unable to provide for himself/herself adequately then logically he/she cannot take care of his/her parents either and for that matter I cannot see how he/she can think about marriage. Let's be clear, the situation being discussed is not a dire situation and the nature of the concern is of annoyance/inconvenience and hurdles on the part of parents.

Yes, you could say that. At this moment, it seems that his parents are able to remain independent. When we spoke about them living together, he wanted them to move in immediately. That is what I am not okay with. That is what scared me. I have never gotten that impression from him before that this was how it was going to be. I want to build my life with my future husband, and I genuinely feel like living with his parents from the start would get in the way of that building. As the study explains, in-laws can threaten the identity of a wife or mother. I wouldn't get the opportunity to build my own life and home with my partner if they lived with us from the start, and imposed their own lives and rules onto us. That's my fear. I don't want to be forced into a life I am not familiar or comfortable with, and feeling like I'm not able to have my own voice. I don't think anyone deserves that.

Again, I DO want to help my partner care for his parents, and care for mine as well when they reach that time. We just have different ideas about how we're going to go about it. I think it's definitely something we can handle and work through together, but I do think this decision needs to be something everyone agrees on together, because this decision is going to affect all of us. It won't be perfect, but we do need to agree on the main aspects. I am definitely, heavily considering and trying to warm myself up to the possibility of them living with us one day. It's just something that's entirely unknown to me. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know how it's going to be. And that's my fear.

Being good and appreciating to parents does not merely mean smiling at them or giving them hugs. You can do that to distant relatives too, it doesn't mean much.

There's no question of disrespect to parents, it's not a favor to be kind to your parents, you have to be. Then comes duty to parents which includes proper and real care. You are confusing duty to be mere etiquette, that is not the context of the Quran's verses at all.

So daycare is wrong? Allowing anyone else, besides yourself, to care for a family member is wrong? I'm just confused. That's what you seem to be advocating. I'm curious where you stand on assisted care within the home.

Similarly merely stating "I believe in God" does not mean you actually do nor does it mean you are fulfilling an injunction. As per the Quran, believing in God means to uphold God's injunctions.

Similarly, giving alms with the ulterior motive of getting popular in the eyes of others does not mean you are fulfilling the injunction of giving alms to the poor.

Similarly paying another organization for the care (no matter how good or expensive the care maybe) of your parents for the ulterior motive of keeping them out of your life does not come under "doing good to parents" nor being "dutiful".

Parents sacrifice a lot to bring us up and nothing short is expected of us in turn, that - is being dutiful. I admire your father, he has the right sense of responsibility, he is the one truly appreciating and being dutiful to his mother, and your partner has the right attitude as well. His gesture of offering his parents to live as a family is a gesture of appreciation and kindness.

You don't have to take them in if they are independent or wish to live separately. Like I stated in my previous post earlier and I'll elaborate, it varies from situation to situation. If they are dependent/old and frail, then they should be taken in - THAT is being dutiful.

My partner and I are talking about it, and we are coming to the agreement that we will be living separating while his parents are still able. Beyond that, we're going to discuss in person.

If someone can afford marriage, then he/she is definitely able to afford the care of his/her parents. Marriage is a want and a desire, not a need/requirement. Responsibility comes first and wants come later. And if they go together, desire cannot come before responsibility especially in the case of parents.

The case of your aunts/uncles not caring is not relevant, in that these scenarios are not a license for "it's alright, many people don't". How they and your father share responsibility can easily be arranged through mutual agreement. If one or more are not doing their part, then the burden of their deeds and their neglect will be on them, and it will catch up. No one escapes from God's reckoning, even if many appear to do so from this world.

Quran 314 Beautified for mankind (is) love (of) the (things they) desire - of women and sons and heaps stored up of gold and silver, and horses branded, and cattle and tilled land. That (is) provision (of) life (of) the world but God - with Him (is an) excellent abode to return.

Marriage is a want and a desire, not a need/requirement.

If someone can afford marriage, then he/she is definitely able to afford the care of his/her parents. Responsibility comes first, wants come later, and if they are to go together, responsibility cannot be transferred to someone else over desires without being called a far-cry.

Of course it's your life, you do whatever you wish. To each their own.

So if someone's parents are declining in health but remain alive for years, a person should put everything else in their life on hold? I don't think that's fair. I don't think a parent would want that for their child, either.

Ido not think I feel comfortable or that it is altogether just and fair to make the matters into if you can afford marrying you can affor such and such. Is that a material question?

One may afford marrying a certain person and not other persons, and by the same token not afford other things, including taking up the parents in the own home.

I guess this would depend on the parent's (or parents&#039 mental or physical state(s). Doctor appointments, exams, medications, hospital stays, etc., all cost a lot. You would also have to be able to afford a big enough house to accommodate them. And when a parent needs a cane or wheelchair, that needs to be provided, and the house needs to be wheelchair accessible as well. And then eventually there are funeral costs. Hopefully the parent has some funds to help with this, but it's never a guarantee.