Partner's parents living with us after marriage

Comrox

Peace,

If anyone feels that the care (food, shelter, love, clothing, support etc) they received as children is NOT also owed to their parents then that is a violation of God's injunctions.

Throwing parents into old age homes and care centres (very popular here in western culture) does not come under "kindness" and certainly not "do good to parents". This comes under neglect and irresponsibility.

Selfishness knows no happiness. If you think you wont have any relationship problems if you do away with parents you are fantasizing the impossible. Problems and conflicts are inevitable in human interactions and will come with or without parents and irrespective of culture.

I dont know much about the specific details in this case but if the parents are independent and wish to live separately then it should be fine. But if the parents are their son's dependents (and they will be at some point in time - "old age&quot then they have to be taken in and cared for regardless of what their character is like. It is quite a serious matter to the point where God has forbidden us to show even mere signs of frustration and annoyance to aged parents. Anyone who has studied and read the Quran knows these injunctions.

Sorry if I am blunt but there it is.

What I have said earlier (sending money and a check, throwing people in a nursing home and never seeing them again, etc.) - I don't agree with as good care towards a parent, at all. I'd like to make that clear. I was just using that as examples of what some people seem to think "care" towards their parents is.

I didn't remember reading the verse that specifically spoke about parents in old age, but I see it now

And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour. (Quran 1723)

Other verses I've found, if anyone else wants to refresh themselves on this collection

And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy, and say My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was small. (Quran 1724)

And We have enjoined on man (to be dutiful and good) to his parents. His mother bore him in weakness and hardship upon weakness and hardship, and his weaning is in two years give thanks to Me and to your parents, unto Me is the final destination. (Quran 3114)

But if they (both) strive with you to make you join in worship with Me others that of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not, but behave with them in the world kindly, and follow the path of him who turns to Me in repentance and in obedience. Then to Me will be your return, and I shall tell you what you used to do. (Quran 3115)

And we have enjoined on man (to be dutiful and good) to his parents. His mother bore him in weakness and hardship upon weakness and hardship... (Quran 3114)

O John! Hold fast the Scripture. And We gave him wisdom while yet a child. And (made him) sympathetic to men as a mercy (or a grant) from Us, and pure from sins and he was righteous. And dutiful towards his parents, and he was neither an arrogant nor disobedient (to God or to his parents). (Quran 1912-14)

Verily! I am a slave of God. He has given me the Scripture and made me a Prophet; and He has made me blessed wheresoever I be, and has enjoined on me prayer, and alms, as long as I live, and dutiful to my mother, and made me not arrogant, unblest. (Quran 1930-32)

Worship God and join none with Him (in worship); and do good to parents (Quran 436)

(Source of Qur'an verse translations http//www.islamreligion.com/articles/1624/viewall/kindness-to-parents/)

One thing I noticed in common in these verses is the word "dutiful." The definition of "dutiful" conscientiously or obediently fulfilling one's duty.

So then the question is, what specifically is one's duty to their parents, according to the Qur'an? All I see in these verses is

Be good to your parents
Be kind to them, even if they're trying to get you to worship other than God
Be appreciative of what they have experienced and sacrificed for your upbringing, and ask for God's mercy upon them because of what they went through
When they reach old age, don't shout, be disrespectful, and instead address them honorably

I don't see where Qur'an says that we are specifically required to take in our parents in our own homes, unless I'm missing something. I don't think we should just abandon our parents, no, not at all. But I don't see anything inherently wrong with a person paying others for a service (like assisted living) and making sure their parent is well cared for, and visiting he/she a few times a week or once a week to spend time with their parent, take them out to dinner, go shopping, go to a family event, etc. Maybe it's not the best situation, or like how a person grew up as a child, but maybe it's the only choice an adult daughter or son has, for whatever reason.

I don't think people are black and white, and I don't think situations are either. What about people who are completely poor? Homeless? How are they able to financially and physically support their parents, when they don't even have the means of caring for themselves? What about parents who act or have acted terribly towards their children (such as abused them, or disowned them)?

no, taking care means , look after them , respect them, never say slightiest gesture of anger "uff" to them. if they get old help them doing their works like they help us when we are unable to wash ourself , 5560 Is there any reward for goodness except goodness?

what you are reffering by taking care is selfisness, if parents do the same , i mean when u born they give it to you in the hands of orphan house, or send you check after every one year, and never paly with you, never teach you anything, never look after you, never protect you from bad people, how you feel when you get young,

I don't believe that a parent should treat their child like that at all, or vice versa. I was just using those as examples. I don't agree with it, but I do think that for some people, "caring" for someone may mean just throwing money at them.

I have aunts and uncles who live across the country from my grandmother, and don't seem to care that much. She has Alzheimer's, and her condition has been getting worse lately. In comparison, I see my father shouldering the responsibility of caring for her all on himself, almost. I see what it does to him.

What I am trying to say here is that yes we do need to care for our parents, but we shouldn't neglect ourselves either. Situations are complicated. What about when a parent lives with one child, how is another child supposed to show their love and care to that parent? There needs to a balance. Too much care going only one way doesn't work.

unknownuser

Peace,

You are trying to link unrelated situations. So normal injunctions in dire situations do not apply. If a child is incapable or is in dire circumstances unable to provide for himself/herself adequately then logically he/she cannot take care of his/her parents either and for that matter I cannot see how he/she can think about marriage. Let's be clear, the situation being discussed is not a dire situation and the nature of the concern is of annoyance/inconvenience and hurdles on the part of parents.

Being good and appreciating to parents does not merely mean smiling at them or giving them hugs. You can do that to distant relatives too, it doesn't mean much.

There's no question of disrespect to parents, it's not a favor to be kind to your parents, you have to be. Then comes duty to parents which includes proper and real care. You are confusing duty to be mere etiquette, that is not the context of the Quran's verses at all.

Similarly merely stating "I believe in God" does not mean you actually do nor does it mean you are fulfilling an injunction. As per the Quran, believing in God means to uphold God's injunctions.

Similarly, giving alms with the ulterior motive of getting popular in the eyes of others does not mean you are fulfilling the injunction of giving alms to the poor.

Similarly paying another organization for the care (no matter how good or expensive the care maybe) of your parents for the ulterior motive of keeping them out of your life does not come under "doing good to parents" nor being "dutiful".

Parents sacrifice a lot to bring us up and nothing short is expected of us in turn, that - is being dutiful. I admire your father, he has the right sense of responsibility, he is the one truly appreciating and being dutiful to his mother, and your partner has the right attitude as well. His gesture of offering his parents to live as a family is a gesture of appreciation and kindness.

You don't have to take them in if they are independent or wish to live separately. Like I stated in my previous post earlier and I'll elaborate, it varies from situation to situation. If they are dependent/old and frail, then they should be taken in - THAT is being dutiful.

If someone can afford marriage, then he/she is definitely able to afford the care of his/her parents. Marriage is a want and a desire, not a need/requirement. Responsibility comes first and wants come later. And if they go together, desire cannot come before responsibility especially in the case of parents.

The case of your aunts/uncles not caring is not relevant, in that these scenarios are not a license for "it's alright, many people don't". How they and your father share responsibility can easily be arranged through mutual agreement. If one or more are not doing their part, then the burden of their deeds and their neglect will be on them, and it will catch up. No one escapes from God's reckoning, even if many appear to do so from this world.

Quran 314 Beautified for mankind (is) love (of) the (things they) desire - of women and sons and heaps stored up of gold and silver, and horses branded, and cattle and tilled land. That (is) provision (of) life (of) the world but God - with Him (is an) excellent abode to return.

Marriage is a want and a desire, not a need/requirement.

If someone can afford marriage, then he/she is definitely able to afford the care of his/her parents. Responsibility comes first, wants come later, and if they are to go together, responsibility cannot be transferred to someone else over desires without being called a far-cry.

Of course it's your life, you do whatever you wish. To each their own.

huruf

Ido not think I feel comfortable or that it is altogether just and fair to make the matters into if you can afford marrying you can affor such and such. Is that a material question?

One may afford marrying a certain person and not other persons, and by the same token not afford other things, including taking up the parents in the own home.

On the other hand what parents would like to be a burden of any kind for their children beyond what is strictly unavoidable? However some parents in fact do so and do so to rule their children and mostly their daughter in law and in no few occasions destroy marriages and poison whole families.

On the other hand many parents would rather stay intheir homes till death than move to their children's homes. So, if we insist that parents should live with their children if the latter can afford it, that would mean forcing the children to live in their parents homes. Do the parents want that? Do the children want that?

I think that rather than speak in terms of self-sacrifice as if self-sacrifice would be by itself good and the solution to everything, we should look, everybody should look, for the arrangment that best suits everybody, EVERYBODY. Marriage is a want and parents are a duty, well then for the parents was it a want also? If we put it in thoe terms, half humanity might dissapear into non existence.

Marriage is a legitimate want and no parent worth that name would seek his or her satisfaction depriving the children of marriage if they want it.

We should not force people's options into Yes or No to this or that. It would be arbitrary and inhuman. We should look for the most satiafactory solution for every ligitimate and authentic need and want.

May be somebody's parents want to live with the children because simply they have not thought about any other possibility or are in the belief that any other possibility is beyond reach or are in the unfounded belief that any other possibility is a failure of some kind or not acceptable for whatever preconceived notion, not becaue they absolutely want it by themselves.

Some parents may be a bliing in some homes, well and good. But it should not be projected that if it is not so, somebody is failing or acting wrong or being a monster. Many, many people parents do not live with their married children and are in best of terms and love and do care for each other like what they are, parents and children. On the other hand in those past times where people would not help but live severl generations in the same house, it was not always so gentle for the older. Myths are myths and have made the misfortune of many people and the old times when old people were so much cared for and all, were true in some cases and real horrors in others.

Old people mostly do not want to be moved out of their homes nor necesarily want the constant demands of many or few people busying around them. They have a right to led a restful life if they want so.

The god of sacrifice for the sake of sacrifice is a very mean God. The Qur'an enjoins us always to look for that which is most fair and gentle to all, bil ma3ruf.

Salaam

Comrox

Peace,

You are trying to link unrelated situations. So normal injunctions in dire situations do not apply. If a child is incapable or is in dire circumstances unable to provide for himself/herself adequately then logically he/she cannot take care of his/her parents either and for that matter I cannot see how he/she can think about marriage. Let's be clear, the situation being discussed is not a dire situation and the nature of the concern is of annoyance/inconvenience and hurdles on the part of parents.

Yes, you could say that. At this moment, it seems that his parents are able to remain independent. When we spoke about them living together, he wanted them to move in immediately. That is what I am not okay with. That is what scared me. I have never gotten that impression from him before that this was how it was going to be. I want to build my life with my future husband, and I genuinely feel like living with his parents from the start would get in the way of that building. As the study explains, in-laws can threaten the identity of a wife or mother. I wouldn't get the opportunity to build my own life and home with my partner if they lived with us from the start, and imposed their own lives and rules onto us. That's my fear. I don't want to be forced into a life I am not familiar or comfortable with, and feeling like I'm not able to have my own voice. I don't think anyone deserves that.

Again, I DO want to help my partner care for his parents, and care for mine as well when they reach that time. We just have different ideas about how we're going to go about it. I think it's definitely something we can handle and work through together, but I do think this decision needs to be something everyone agrees on together, because this decision is going to affect all of us. It won't be perfect, but we do need to agree on the main aspects. I am definitely, heavily considering and trying to warm myself up to the possibility of them living with us one day. It's just something that's entirely unknown to me. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know how it's going to be. And that's my fear.

Being good and appreciating to parents does not merely mean smiling at them or giving them hugs. You can do that to distant relatives too, it doesn't mean much.

There's no question of disrespect to parents, it's not a favor to be kind to your parents, you have to be. Then comes duty to parents which includes proper and real care. You are confusing duty to be mere etiquette, that is not the context of the Quran's verses at all.

So daycare is wrong? Allowing anyone else, besides yourself, to care for a family member is wrong? I'm just confused. That's what you seem to be advocating. I'm curious where you stand on assisted care within the home.

Similarly merely stating "I believe in God" does not mean you actually do nor does it mean you are fulfilling an injunction. As per the Quran, believing in God means to uphold God's injunctions.

Similarly, giving alms with the ulterior motive of getting popular in the eyes of others does not mean you are fulfilling the injunction of giving alms to the poor.

Similarly paying another organization for the care (no matter how good or expensive the care maybe) of your parents for the ulterior motive of keeping them out of your life does not come under "doing good to parents" nor being "dutiful".

Parents sacrifice a lot to bring us up and nothing short is expected of us in turn, that - is being dutiful. I admire your father, he has the right sense of responsibility, he is the one truly appreciating and being dutiful to his mother, and your partner has the right attitude as well. His gesture of offering his parents to live as a family is a gesture of appreciation and kindness.

You don't have to take them in if they are independent or wish to live separately. Like I stated in my previous post earlier and I'll elaborate, it varies from situation to situation. If they are dependent/old and frail, then they should be taken in - THAT is being dutiful.

My partner and I are talking about it, and we are coming to the agreement that we will be living separating while his parents are still able. Beyond that, we're going to discuss in person.

If someone can afford marriage, then he/she is definitely able to afford the care of his/her parents. Marriage is a want and a desire, not a need/requirement. Responsibility comes first and wants come later. And if they go together, desire cannot come before responsibility especially in the case of parents.

The case of your aunts/uncles not caring is not relevant, in that these scenarios are not a license for "it's alright, many people don't". How they and your father share responsibility can easily be arranged through mutual agreement. If one or more are not doing their part, then the burden of their deeds and their neglect will be on them, and it will catch up. No one escapes from God's reckoning, even if many appear to do so from this world.

Quran 314 Beautified for mankind (is) love (of) the (things they) desire - of women and sons and heaps stored up of gold and silver, and horses branded, and cattle and tilled land. That (is) provision (of) life (of) the world but God - with Him (is an) excellent abode to return.

Marriage is a want and a desire, not a need/requirement.

If someone can afford marriage, then he/she is definitely able to afford the care of his/her parents. Responsibility comes first, wants come later, and if they are to go together, responsibility cannot be transferred to someone else over desires without being called a far-cry.

Of course it's your life, you do whatever you wish. To each their own.

So if someone's parents are declining in health but remain alive for years, a person should put everything else in their life on hold? I don't think that's fair. I don't think a parent would want that for their child, either.

Ido not think I feel comfortable or that it is altogether just and fair to make the matters into if you can afford marrying you can affor such and such. Is that a material question?

One may afford marrying a certain person and not other persons, and by the same token not afford other things, including taking up the parents in the own home.

I guess this would depend on the parent's (or parents&#039 mental or physical state(s). Doctor appointments, exams, medications, hospital stays, etc., all cost a lot. You would also have to be able to afford a big enough house to accommodate them. And when a parent needs a cane or wheelchair, that needs to be provided, and the house needs to be wheelchair accessible as well. And then eventually there are funeral costs. Hopefully the parent has some funds to help with this, but it's never a guarantee.