Raising Children
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Hey Salam!
How are you all? hope all is well and good.. I'm curious as to what your perceptions are in relation to raising children.
I know for instance traditional muslims believe they must raise their children islamically and make them abide by the law by "praying", fasting, partaking in religious celebrations, etc
Now they feel it is an obligation and that if they are not aware of these practices before puberty it is a huge negligence on the parents thus hellfire awaits them (the parents).
now when looking into the Quran i don't find much info on parenting. Maybe i'm searching wrongly. though alot seems to be about well spending/helping parents and showing kindness to them. i don't seem to find much about parenting.
Any thoughts? how do you believe a child should be raised?
Salam
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Hey Salam!
How are you all? hope all is well and good.. I'm curious as to what your perceptions are in relation to raising children.
I know for instance traditional muslims believe they must raise their children islamically and make them abide by the law by "praying", fasting, partaking in religious celebrations, etc
Now they feel it is an obligation and that if they are not aware of these practices before puberty it is a huge negligence on the parents thus hellfire awaits them (the parents).
now when looking into the Quran i don't find much info on parenting. Maybe i'm searching wrongly. though alot seems to be about well spending/helping parents and showing kindness to them. i don't seem to find much about parenting.
Any thoughts? how do you believe a child should be raised?
Salam
I think by being a good example to your children. Being kind, helping others, doing what the Qur'an says you should do. Reading the Qur'an, praying, etc.
I'm sure my MIL will push the hijab on my daughers, as she wears it... but I don't, and I believe that's a choice my girls should make when they're older. My MIL was talking about some 4-year old she knows whose parents put it on her, I'm like "umm, okaaaay....", I view that as something you should wear when you're older, if at all.
I'm curious to see what others think. -
If i had girls i wouldn't enforce them to wear the scarf, even though i wear it and if they wanted to wear it at a young age i'd advice them to think about it, i wouldn't exactly say yes go ahead. Though do you believe this as core islamic belief lot's don't.
Peoples perception of practices are different for example people's idea of prayer is different. so would you make your children pray? or just advise them to pray
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If i had girls i wouldn't enforce them to wear the scarf, even though i wear it and if they wanted to wear it at a young age i'd advice them to think about it, i wouldn't exactly say yes go ahead. Though do you believe this as core islamic belief lot's don't.
Peoples perception of practices are different for example people's idea of prayer is different. so would you make your children pray? or just advise them to pray
I'm not sure about the scarf, I'm not convinced the Qur'an commands us to cover our hair, but it definitely marks you as "Muslim". I do realize that most Muslims I know believe it's required.
I would advise my children to pray, not force them. Right now my 4-year old & 2-year old will come and lay down on my pray rug when I'm praying, or my 4-year old will prostrate randomly and say 'Allahu Akbar'. ;D Maybe some would force? -
maybe some would force but there is alot of opinion that that sort of pray is a ritualised tradition so some wouldnt even consider it islamic..
but yeh i wonder what would people force onto their kids
but more i wonder as what quran says about raising kids
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peace,
NB AQ = Al Quran
I have not studied what AQ specifically says about raising children, but I would assume a lot of it can be inferred by what it says about conduct, and the lessons given in it by way of its "hikma/wisdom/judgement" component.
I agree with being a good example for your children.
In terms of "religion", I think perhaps more important than the specifics you teach children, is the underlying thought process and ethics/values they have.
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Being a good example is well important off course
ethics and values they have.. well i could argue non muslims could have similar or even the same ethics dunno about values. so how do you raise your children with the hope they'd be muslim..
Do you think there is such a thing as being too lenient and negligent by not enforcing the concept of God? or do you think through good example the concept of God would be instilled?
I wonder how followers of Quran raise their kids and if they become muslim when they're older. traditionalist seem to believe their children should be forced into certain acts otherwise when they age they will be misguided. in ways i think the way they raise a child definitely influences them as an adult/teen. They are conditioned at a young age.. so inevitably it's like they subconsciously grow a bond towards the religion. even if its through tradition and if they want to repel something they seem not to because they don't feel they have a right to argue it... or feel insecure that it must be their nafs their shaytan or something influencing their rebellion.. so in the end they seem to stick back to tradition.
for some reason i feel if something isnt enforced on a child they wont consider it as much of an importance. i mean enforcing a child to do what they dont want is mean and well not fair (for this example) and if they get older and dont want to do it they will rebel against it.. but i think if a parent is to wishy washy and just open to accepting anything by not making a stance i think the child will get influenced by their other surroundings before they can make their own judgment as an adult or young child.. and by the time their an adult they will prob take whatever it was they were influenced by unless maybe they intentionally try to discover, learn, think and reason..
maybe i'm underestimating children maybe they're not so impressionable though it's interesting that i have never met a traditional muslim who reverted against islam. i'm just trying to understand why because well a lot of people consider themselves muslim purely because of their family/traditional association because that's the way they were raised. they understand islam as the only true monotheist religion because they were taught that it was without needing to think otherwise.
In ways i think that'll be an easy way to brain wash my kids into becoming muslim, off course it's no guarantee. but something in me says that's not the right cause of action. then i think would i be wrong that way by compelling my children into deen, is that my right? or their right..
i want to explain things and discuss why i do things even to a young child as young as 3 dunno if a 2 yr old will comprehend much. but anyway i think if i explain why i do things and if they ask why that's good so they can understand why so they dont just do things for the sake of doing them.. but then i feel maybe that's not enough.. and if they dont agree would it be my fault for not being more assertive
possibly i'm worrying over nothing, i wouldnt want my children to be muslim because of culture, but i'd feel more secure as a parent that they were muslim...
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Peace
Here is a verse in the Qur'an about early parenthood ( motherhood in particular ) about how long a mother should breast feed her baby and the father's role in the family unit .
" And the mothers should suckle their children for two whole years for him who desires to make complete the time of suckling; and their maintenance and their clothing must be-- borne by the father according to usage; no soul shall have imposed upon it a duty but to the extent of its capacity; neither shall a mother be made to suffer harm on account of her child, nor a father on account of his child, and a similar duty (devolves) on the (father's) heir, but if both desire weaning by mutual consent and counsel, there is no blame on them, and if you wish to engage a wet-nurse for your children, there is no blame on you so long as you pay what you promised for according to usage; and be careful of (your duty to) Allah and know that Allah sees what you do " ( 2"233 ) .
Other than the verse above , I haven't seen any verse that gives specific instructions as to how we bring up our children . I came from a Wahabi muslim background and my wife is a Roman Catholic , but our children went to Muslim's Primary School for a couple of years until the children could no longer take their teachers' smacking with rulers and pulling of the ears , my daughter could not wait to take off the head scarf as soon as she left he school ground . ( head itchy from perspiration in summer ) . Anyway they all ended up back in a regular school .
We as parents found that the best way to teach our children is by setting them good example , allow them as much freedom with responsibility as we could and encourage them to learn about life in general through readings . We do not have to ask our children to read Qur'an , as they always see us reading and discussing it with friends who visits regularly and we ask them to look up verses for myself and their mother , so indirectly , they learn Qur'an by helping their parents . The only complain I have about my daughter is , she is always too eager to post , as soon as she's done the copy pasting for me , without asking if I have finished the post '( .
Do you know if there are other verses in the Qur'an about parenting besides the examples in the stories of the prophets told in it ?
Peace
almarh0m
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peace Sarah, all,
Erm, depends on what you mean by "muslim"?
Muslim (capital "M" is the socio-cultural entity, Traditional Muslim.
muslim is something else.
In addition to what I said above, there are verses that say order/instruct your family/people with the salat and the zakat . Which I would render as with the bond and the betterment. To me, it seems to imply a direction in which to aim, as an overview, for one's people/family.
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A 2-5 year old child would not understand much but their minds are completely pliable and observe and absorb your actions. At this age, they will follow what you want them to. They will not question much. This is the sweetest age.
The next 4-5 years they will have lots of questions and you have to keep up with answering them. What they have already absorbed at infancy still is a major guiding factor. Just ensure to talk about your ideals and keep setting the example of what you want them to learn and follow.
Now observe the same child at 10-12 plus. Not only do they have a mind of their own but want to do the exact opposite of what you want them to do. Its pretty dangerous to force a child of this mindset into religious activities they dont want to. Of course if they are open to following what religious ideals you follow then you must encourage that. But if not, then gently encourage them by setting examples and always being there to try and explain anything. The child will find their own place in life guided by your ideals. What is wrong though is when parents expect the child to think exactly in their own manner. Sometimes this leads to force and instilling fear of punishment etc.
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Don?t underestimate children
My niece who is turning 2 Is very defiant. once her mind is set she wont budge. If she wants something she will demand it. if she don?t get it she will scream till she gets it, if she doesn?t want to do something she will say NO. off course not all children are like that and children are easy to persuade, they?re cute at that age but not always so sweetI think children always have lots of questions, my teenage nephews always ask me things it?s hard to keep up its hard to find answers sometimes!
Yeh its wrong when parents expect their children to be the same as them or.. whatever. parents expectations can be far-fetched sometimes unfair.
It?s hard though, parents have an expectation, I think the problem is parents feel they ?own? the children..
Do you have children aly-sam?
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maybe i'm underestimating children maybe they're not so impressionable though it's interesting that i have never met a traditional muslim who reverted against islam. i'm just trying to understand why because well a lot of people consider themselves muslim purely because of their family/traditional association because that's the way they were raised. they understand islam as the only true monotheist religion because they were taught that it was without needing to think otherwise.
I believe many traditional Muslims are Muslim simply because they were raised that way. Not that they necessarily research any other religions, or question any of the practices - they just follow blindly.
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Don?t underestimate children
My niece who is turning 2 Is very defiant. once her mind is set she wont budge. If she wants something she will demand it. if she don?t get it she will scream till she gets it, if she doesn?t want to do something she will say NO. off course not all children are like that and children are easy to persuade, they?re cute at that age but not always so sweetI think children always have lots of questions, my teenage nephews always ask me things it?s hard to keep up its hard to find answers sometimes!
Yeh its wrong when parents expect their children to be the same as them or.. whatever. parents expectations can be far-fetched sometimes unfair.
It?s hard though, parents have an expectation, I think the problem is parents feel they ?own? the children..
Do you have children aly-sam?
Oh I know the "power" of children LOL. And yes all about the defiance too even at such a tender age. But it seems to manifest itself mostly when they have tantrums...but the rest of the time, they tend to observe you and are fascinated by the things you do. And want to be exactly like you.
Yes I do have 2 daughters...my precious monsters
I remember upto age 8 or so, my eldest was convinced I knew everything about everything. Thing is after that, I could actually see the doubt creeping into her eyes every time I told her something. And now she is convinced that I know absolutely nothing concerning especially teens.
But to her credit, just two days ago, she told me that I give her good advice. When I asked her how she knew that my advice is good, she said she has faith in me.....Awwww sigh...girls are just sooooo lovely at every age they can show tenderness.
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Aww that's sweet
actually my neice she is turning 8 she always asks me questions and some can be quite tricky. i tell her "i don't know" "we could look it up" and her response is "how come you don't know". i think children seem to automatically think we adults know everything about anything lol.
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Hello.
Did you ask her why she has faith in you? It would be interesting to know her thought process.
Anwar Azim
But to her credit, just two days ago, she told me that I give her good advice. When I asked her how she knew that my advice is good, she said she has faith in me.....Awwww sigh...girls are just sooooo lovely at every age they can show tenderness.
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Hello.
Did you ask her why she has faith in you? It would be interesting to know her thought process.
Anwar Azim
That would actually have been interesting to find out.
Unfortunately, I was too busy feeling good about myself to think of asking her the reasons and now the moment has gone...but if it does happen again, I will be sure to find out )
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I believe many traditional Muslims are Muslim simply because they were raised that way. Not that they necessarily research any other religions, or question any of the practices - they just follow blindly.
That is the same in any traditional religion. It is something I have been trying to change for years.
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if you continue to read the next verse, it indicates theres are the ones who deny the truth who do not use their reason. If they choose to follow their fathers then they will be the same.
(2171)
2171 (Asad) And so, the parable of those who re bent on denying the truth is that of the beast which hears the shepherd's cry, and hears in it nothing but the sound of a voice and a call. Deaf are they, and dumb, and blind for they do not use their reason.
