Qualities that I should look for in choosing a wife
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Salaam sonnie,
Marriage is not a game, it is a life changing moment, your thoughts, your feelings, your understanding, everything will not gonna be same as now that you have. So, I suggest....
Write down on a piece of paper yours pros and cons and her's pros and cons, then compare and see, it may help you see both sides together inshaAllah. As from your posts, I found that she don't want to work, that is it... I don't see any other problem with her.
And also if you can discuss with her openly and see if you both are compatible to each other. If you feel that you don't love her or she is not compatible to you, don't marry her. Because this negative think grows in your married life later on. If you feel that you are capable of compromising and understanding, then you can go ahead. There are really many things to think about.
Over all, you should not forget 2221, if she is mushrik, then there is no way that you can marry her.
Please clarify everything before you proceed or I should say before spoiling yours and hers life. Don't get emotional, discuss every possible matter, then once you finalize whatsoever, leave everything on Allah and do tawakkal on Him alone in those matters... inshaAllah, everything will be alright and in peace.
May Allah protect you both and guide us all to His only path pr
mmKhan -
If you feel that you don't love her or she is not compatible to you, don't marry her.... Because this negative think grows in your married life later on.
These were EXACTLY my concerns. But at this moment, I am too happy with her, and somehow I have grown to a point where I acknowledge those negatives and choose to overlook them
You're 24 years of age. Well, you are a rather cute 24 year old.
I really hope you are a woman
EDIT
100th post! -
Many people marry for all the wrong reasons (tired of being single, don't want to break the other persons heart or feelings, family or societal pressures, etc as the list is long) entering marriages when they are not certain about the person or about their feelings for the person, convincing themselves that they really do like the person or in love trying to rationalize all the reasons why they should get married. Almost always the marriages end either in misery or divorce. Talk to people who are married and unhappy or divorced. Learn from their mistakes and don't be another or add to the statistics.
If you are not 100% and there is no one else that you would rather be with than this girl then do the right thing and not marry this girl.
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Many people marry for all the wrong reasons (tired of being single, don't want to break the other persons heart or feelings, family or societal pressures, etc as the list is long) entering marriages when they are not certain about the person or about their feelings for the person, convincing themselves that they really do like the person or in love trying to rationalize all the reasons why they should get married. Almost always the marriages end either in misery or divorce. Talk to people who are married and unhappy or divorced. Learn from their mistakes and don't be another or add to the statistics.
If you are not 100% and there is no one else that you would rather be with than this girl then do the right thing and not marry this girl.
Agreed. Definitely do not marry them just because they are a Muslim and "seem" to be pious. I made that mistake with my ex and let me tell you...all that goes out the window once the contract is signed.
I look at marriage this way Everything else in this world is almost a constant (bills, work, illness, etc.)...find the person you would want to go through all of that with. It's not as easy as it sounds.
Peace,
Amina
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Talk to people who are married and unhappy or divorced. Learn from their mistakes and don't be another or add to the statistics.
If you are not 100% and there is no one else that you would rather be with than this girl then do the right thing and not marry this girl.
Good point. At the time of this posting, I was flip/flopping.... it seems like, she is the one )
It's not as easy as it sounds.
Well, they say you wont really know the person until you are with them 24/7... apparently everything changes after marriage. Hoping I picked the right one D
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Good point. At the time of this posting, I was flip/flopping.... it seems like, she is the one )
Well, they say you wont really know the person until you are with them 24/7... apparently everything changes after marriage. Hoping I picked the right one DSeems like is not so sure to me! Would you want the girl to feel the same that she 'hopes' she picked the right one? Omg!
Before marriage you figure out if it will work out. And I sure wouldn't enter a marriage hoping it will work out. Both parties should have the attitude that marriage is something you work on and making it a truly mostly happy one based on mutual respect and compassion. Absolutely things change after marriage. Both have to change and be accommodating, considerate, give and take, put up with each others quarks and idiosyncrasies. Read articles on why marriages fail and address them now - like finances, in-laws, religion, children,health issues, sex. Really good book to read is 'why some marriages succeed and others fail and how you can make yours last'. By John Gottman.
Divorce is absolutely the worst and most painful of human experiences even if you are the one walking away from toxic marriage. I don't want you or the girl to go through that. My hope is that the two of you are right for each other and you will have a not just a long lasting marriage but a happy "Islamic" one. I would feel better if you post "she is truly the one for me. I can picture myself sitting on the porch 50 some years from now....."
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...Would you want the girl to feel the same that she 'hopes' she picked the right one?
...Really good book to read is 'why some marriages succeed and others fail and how you can make yours last'. By John Gottman.
...I would feel better if you post "she is truly the one for me. I can picture myself sitting on the porch 50 some years from now....."You make very good points! Ive already calculated and talked about everything empirical that i can with her. The thing is, at this point I can't imagine my life without her, and can definitely see my self being with her till one of use dies lol
That being said.... her main qualities I looked at were (in order)
- Personality/Beliefs/Modesty Level
- Chemistry/Love/Appearance
- Sexual Drive
- Number of Children VS Having a career
So far, too happy!
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Now you really got me worried. About your criteria
1). Sexual drive. I guarantee you that it will change over time. And so then what? What if her drive goes down and yours doesn't? Or vice versa? Then what?
2). That 'chemistry' is important. But you do know that appearances and fashions change. Even beliefs change. Then what?
- what if you are infertile or she is? Then what? Or what if she wants to work in the future or after having kids wishes to be a stay at home mom? Or the other way around? What if the girl changes her mind?
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Sexual drive?
Yup!
Without having had time to really read this thread... but still knowing the issue at hand.. I'd say Don't rush.. give it time. Or rather, give yourself time...
Still haven't pulled the real trigger yet..... been pondering for over 2 years...
Now you really got me worried. About your criteria
1). Sexual drive. I guarantee you that it will change over time. And so then what? What if her drive goes down and yours doesn't? Or vice versa? Then what?
2). That 'chemistry' is important. But you do know that appearances and fashions change. Even beliefs change. Then what?
- what if you are infertile or she is? Then what? Or what if she wants to work in the future or after having kids wishes to be a stay at home mom? Or the other way around? What if the girl changes her mind?
Amazing points
The thing is that all I can do is make a decision on her qualities she posses right now, at this age, at this time... the future is unpredictable, and I know she will change. I will accept and respect that.
No matter what women I marry, all of those concerns still hold. The only thing I can be sure of, is the NOW state. I'm judging her on her qualities that she possess right now, not gambling on her potential.
Salaam
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You have been pondering for over 2 years and you haven't pulled the trigger yet????
If this girl hasn't dumped you yet, i'd say she is a keeper. Any other girl would have left you like a year ago looking for a guy who knows what he wants, doesn't take forever to make up his mind, knows what marriage is all about, will be there during the ups and downs, and so on.
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Sexual drive, astagfirullah.
Actually, I think it is a good idea to talk about sexual compatibility as well.
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I would never marry this type.
...and you'd be right!
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Personally, I don't think things like that should be discussed with anyone apart from one's husband, but that's just my opinion. I can't quite get my head around people thinking that is acceptable, but who am I to judge. Each to their own, I suppose. It is best for me to not think about it.
Salaam.