Qualities that I should look for in choosing a wife
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Personally, I don't think things like that should be discussed with anyone apart from one's husband, but that's just my opinion. I can't quite get my head around people thinking that is acceptable, but who am I to judge. Each to their own, I suppose. It is best for me to not think about it.
Salaam.
Salaam es,
I am with you 100% handshake
mmKhan
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Personally, I don't think things like that should be discussed with anyone apart from one's husband, but that's just my opinion. I can't quite get my head around people thinking that is acceptable, but who am I to judge. Each to their own, I suppose. It is best for me to not think about it.
Salaam.
Well, maybe you like surprises... me, I am completely comfortable discussing adult topics with other mature adults.
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Personally, I don't think things like that should be discussed with anyone apart from one's husband, but that's just my opinion. I can't quite get my head around people thinking that is acceptable, but who am I to judge. Each to their own, I suppose. It is best for me to not think about it.
Salaam.
we all like to think that in a marriage sexual compatibility should not be an issue where each respects and is considerate of the other persons needs and preferences. Lets face it, when couples don't agree on anal sex or oral sex or one spouse is into whips and chains whereas the other is not, these sort of issues can become major problems down the road. Often times, men and women don't know what sexual abuse is within a marriage. If a guy is of the thinking that satan curses a woman if she doesn't have sex with her (that is a hadith), that is something that I would want to know before hand. Problems in the bedroom often translate to problems else where.
It is best to address sexual compatibility as well beforehand so that there won't be any shocks or major disappointments. We have had posts on this forum about anal sex and masturbation to know that we don't all see eye to eye. If you think that anal sex is disgusting and wrong but the guy you are considering doesn't, this is a talking point to be had to see if this will be an issue in the marriage. Will he respect you or will he pressure you? Will he be ok with that?
If you think that sex is for only procreation and the guy you are marrying thinks that couples should have sex as often as is possible, well that could be a problem. If a guy thinks it is ok to have sex while you are on periods as long as you use a condom but you absolutely disagree, it could be a problem. If say you have been on your periods for 2 weeks and you are tired, not in the mood, what will be his attitude? If the guy has the attitude that woman fake or feign illness or are frigid, is that the type of person you would be happy with? If a guy is into sadism and you are horrified by that kind of sex, isn't that something that you would like to know before you find yourself married to someone who is into sadistic sex. If say you are into sadistic sex and he is not, that could be a problem. If a guy that you are marrying is having fantasies about oral sex and you find it disgusting, he will be in for a surprise after marriage and problems can potentially start from wedding night.
Without talking about things that are personal and private, you can and I think it is important that you get to know where the person stands or feels about issues dealing with sex. What are your beliefs and what are his? Will it be an issue? Don't you think you should know how the person who you are considering marriage thinks about sex and you?
Is he the kind to say..... I love you, respect you, care about you and your feelings not just outside but also inside the bedroom, whatever we disagree on or don't like we will talk about it and work it through....? Or the kind to say....I am a man and I have needs. You are a woman and you are to satisfy my needs? Or the kind to say......
Es, you are not getting married to have a plutonic marriage. Sex is part of it. Better to talk about things before hand to prevent and avoid problems down the road. Main reason given by a lot of people who have extramarital affairs is due to sexual dissatisfaction. Open up the gates of communication and ask the person you are considering what his or her thoughts are on this statistic or report. See what the response is and how you feel about it.
Choosing not to think about it may not be the best. Well, just sharing my thoughts.
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So it has been two years and you cannot fully accept her or let her go. Sonnie, don't you think that you are being selfish on your part and not considerate and caring of this girl's life. What is it that you don't know about her in the past two years that you will find out in the next month or year to help you decide. I am sorry but I think this is not fair to the girl. of course it is very important to get to know the person to determine compatibility and see if the feelings are mutual but to take up 2 years of someone's life and then say sorry but I don't want to be with you and go on to the next person - now that's just not right. Guess, i just can't imagine doing that to a guy or to myself.
also, I am sure you guys have developed feelings for each other and one of those feelings is sexual as I am sure you wouldn't consider marriage if you didn't think of her along those terms. If you have been interacting for over 2 years, don't know how you are doing with controlling your sexual feelings and desires. hail Unless you have no sexual drive and this was your criteria.
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It's not that there is something left to discover about the girl to make the scale shift in either direction.. coming to a conclusion, go or no-go.... rather it is that Sonnie need to find out things about himself.... and in light of awareness of himself, then it will be much easier to see the other person. I think the indecision has everything to do with Sonnie, and not that much to do with the girl.
What I'm wondering is (in case it has not been posted) what the girl thinks. What does she want? Does she want something? Does she have a say? What is her opinion about marriage???
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rather it is that Sonnie need to find out things about himself.... and in light of awareness of himself, then it will be much easier to see the other person. I think the indecision has everything to do with Sonnie, and not that much to do with the girl.
If this were the case, shouldn't sonnie figure himself first before getting involved with someone? Another person is being affected by his indecisiveness. Yes, I too wonder about this girl and if she is like Sonnie herself and undecided about him.
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Peace,
The better Sonnie would know himself, the easier it would be to make an important decision, or rather, the chances that the decision would be a wise one would be greater. When we change... our whole life situation changes. If one is in an early stage of getting to know oneself, the greater the chances are that one's preferences will change, with increased wisdom and insight. This will often in turn result in things becoming incompatible with one self. So, it's good to know one self as much as possible. However, life is a continuous journey, and the potential for growth will never end... so what I'm saying is perhaps a but general and philosophical, though totally true. Life is also not always so regular. Sometimes things happen in up side down manners, and turn out to be for the very best. Allah is great. So I think that it is extremely beneficial to know oneself, more and more, deeper and deeper.
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Sonnie, don't you think that you are being selfish
Yes, you are probably right. But I am on the track to marrying her, and not slowing down anytime soon. At this point, I am almost 90%+ convinced its what I want.
If you have been interacting for over 2 years, don't know how you are doing with controlling your sexual feelings and desires.
Self-control
However, life is a continuous journey, and the potential for growth will never end... so what I'm saying is perhaps a but general and philosophical, though totally true. Life is also not always so regular. Sometimes things happen in up side down manners, and turn out to be for the very best.
Couldn't agree more
Yes, I too wonder about this girl and if she is like Sonnie herself and undecided about him.
Ive already asked her multiple times and well, she really wants to marry me; she is 100% sure.
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Salaam,
I have been following this on and off since the conversation started. As someone who is now divorced, I would like to say that there are certain topics that are a MUST that couples have to face and be upfront about when deciding on marriage. Yes, sex is one of them.
I am not afraid or ashamed to share this, because it happened to me and I wish I had known that my ex preferred certain things before I married him, because I would have cleared it up immediately that they made me uncomfortable.
Total opposing views will NOT work in a marriage...opposites may attract, but they don't stay together long. One can only compromise so much.
If you are considering marriage, you should be able to discuss these things with your future spouse. Communication is key, and if you can't talk about something like sexual preferences, you are going to have a hard time dealing with bigger issues in marriage.
Sonnie, I pray that Allah blesses you with a wonderful, lasting and loving union.
-Amina
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Well said Amina!
and I'd like to insert here, totally off-topic, that the classical saying that "opposites attract" is just utter nonsense and bs. Opposites never attract. Actually, like attracts like. It may sometimes SEEM that opposites attract, but that's just a poetic expression and it seems like that because one doesn't pay attention to the similarities that are actually causing the attraction. Instead of thinking about the flawed example of magnets, where the two poles, North and South, attract, we should consider other things like how water and oil don't mix, and "bird of a feather flock together". D
So it is indeed important, what Amina says... the only problem is that one often doesn't know oneself that well, especially at a young age. We do after all develop over time, but we should try to find out, or feel/sense, our basic tendencies, characteristics and values. These must match for a relationship to be good.
Peace
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Peace sonnie,
Marriage is always a work in progress, my advice is avoid catatrophic differences between you, this must be found out! You don't want to find out after marriage that your spouse has secrets or habits that you abhor.
Take your time lean towards no. It is better to say no now than no later.
Get to know who you are dealing with.Character traits that are important to you should not be ignored.
Small differences can be worked out, strive to please one another.
And understand that in a happy marriage the science of math completely breaks down because one (whole person) plus one (whole person) equals one!
And most importantly turn to your lord for help.
Peace O0
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Peace all,
I think you have all given Sonnie some wonderful advise! This advise is good for anyone here who is looking to get married some time soon.
Here are some of the things my husband and I talked about prior to marriage (keep in mind that we were both converts)
- Finances (projected bills for expenses, set up accounts, expenses for leisure, savings, discuss any outstanding debts, are you more frugal or spend easily?)
- Past Relationships (how long, what went wrong, what we've learned)
- Outlook on what constitutes a healthy sex life (yes, this will be an awkward conversation, but it is necessary)
- How many children we hope to have (willing to try other methods if natural method unsuccessful?, adoption?)
- Where we are looking to live or settle (willing to move overseas?, out of state?, etc)
- Our education and career goals along with costs
- How we plan to take care of our parents in the future
- How we plan on sharing responsibilities (example cooking, cleaning, bills, yard work, etc)
- How do you plan on disciplining children?
- Comfortable with extended family members living with us for awhile if need arises?
- How obsessed is one with being a neat freak?
- I requested a health report from him indicating free from all STDs, and I provided the same to him
Okay, I know that some of these things may seem over the top, but it's important to cover a lot of basis when co-habitating is out of the question. You should have plenty of time to discuss these things in length before jumping the gun. So, prepare some coffee and pastries, and have a go at it!
I think the first two years of marriage are the roughest. A lot you of adjustments, sacrifices, and disagreements are in order.
All the best!!!
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Peace all,
I think you have all given Sonnie some wonderful advise! This advise is good for anyone here who is looking to get married some time soon.
Here are some of the things my husband and I talked about prior to marriage (keep in mind that we were both converts)
- Finances (projected bills for expenses, set up accounts, expenses for leisure, savings, discuss any outstanding debts, are you more frugal or spend easily?)
- Past Relationships (how long, what went wrong, what we've learned)
- Outlook on what constitutes a healthy sex life (yes, this will be an awkward conversation, but it is necessary)
- How many children we hope to have (willing to try other methods if natural method unsuccessful?, adoption?)
- Where we are looking to live or settle (willing to move overseas?, out of state?, etc)
- Our education and career goals along with costs
- How we plan to take care of our parents in the future
- How we plan on sharing responsibilities (example cooking, cleaning, bills, yard work, etc)
- How do you plan on disciplining children?
- Comfortable with extended family members living with us for awhile if need arises?
- How obsessed is one with being a neat freak?
- I requested a health report from him indicating free from all STDs, and I provided the same to him
Okay, I know that some of these things may seem over the top, but it's important to cover a lot of basis when co-habitating is out of the question. You should have plenty of time to discuss these things in length before jumping the gun. So, prepare some coffee and pastries, and have a go at it!
I think the first two years of marriage are the roughest. A lot you of adjustments, sacrifices, and disagreements are in order.
All the best!!!
Salaam,
Red I am in line, but I don't understand why have you added the word "soon" in this sentence.
Instead of discussing these things , I would like the discuss the main key point is, whether she agrees to serve only Allah and no one else as per 2221.
I understand that you and your husband were converts so you might have not thought of it, but I would be happy to see this point with prior to all points made. Anyways, this is just my personal opinion.
May Allah increase us in knowledge and guide us to His only path pr
mmKhan -
People can change with the circumstances, so a healthy marriage can in many cases be based on luck and/or the ability of learning from mistakes. I have seen some marriages being horrible in the beginning, but after a year or so it turned out to be a very healthy and loving marriage.
So looking for qualities like he is kind and so on says absolute nothing to me, as I mentioned earlier, people can change or have a facade. I mean, everyone can pretend to be kind untill you get married.
I would get married to a person who is my best friend, someone who makes me happy and makes me feel myself as a better person. The only conscious quality I would be looking at would be whether or not he is trustworthy - thats a crucial quality for me. In order to know how trustworthy he is, I would be looking at how he treats his family and friends as that could be an indicator.
Peace
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The human being is utterly lost.
Except those who believe and lead a righteous life, and exhort one another to uphold the truth, and exhort one another to be steadfast.
I would get married to a person who is my best friend, someone who makes me happy and makes me feel myself as a better person. The only conscious quality I would be looking at would be whether or not he is trustworthy - thats a crucial quality for me. In order to know how trustworthy he is, I would be looking at how he treats his family and friends as that could be an indicator.
Nobody can make you anything, do not put the blame or responsibility to anyone but you, for all you do and you are!
O you who believe, you should worry only about your own necks. If the others go astray, they cannot hurt you, as long as you are guided. To GOD is your ultimate destiny, all of you, then He will inform you of everything you had done.
So,
Do not marry idolatresses unless they believe; a believing woman is better than an idolatress, even if you like her. Nor shall you give your daughters in marriage to idolatrous men, unless they believe. A believing man is better than an idolater, even if you like him. These invite to Hell, while GOD invites to Paradise and forgiveness, as He wills. He clarifies His revelations for the people, that they may take heed.
The adulterer will end up marrying an adulteress or an idol worshiper, and the adulteress will end up marrying an adulterer or an idol worshiper. This is prohibited for the believers.
Also,
Or, He may have the males and the females marry each other, then render whomever He wills sterile. He is Omniscient, Omnipotent.
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Peace mmkhan
Instead of discussing these things , I would like the discuss the main key point is, whether she agrees to serve only Allah and no one else as per 2221.
My ex husband said that he served Allah alone and claimed to live it. Once we were married the turth was revealed. My point being, yes, it is VERY important to discuss, but just because someone claims it with their lips doesn't make it so.
Also, same beliefs alone DO NOT hold a marriage together...once again, I learned that the hard way. Just because you both agree to serve God alone doesn't mean you will get along swimmingly.
I think the reason Released didn't list it is because it is an item that is a "no-brainer," meaning it is implied that she (or we) would already know that about them before we even considering taking the step into a relationship.
Hope I made sense there.
-Amina
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Well said Amina!
and I'd like to insert here, totally off-topic, that the classical saying that "opposites attract" is just utter nonsense and bs. Opposites never attract. Actually, like attracts like. It may sometimes SEEM that opposites attract, but that's just a poetic expression and it seems like that because one doesn't pay attention to the similarities that are actually causing the attraction. Instead of thinking about the flawed example of magnets, where the two poles, North and South, attract, we should consider other things like how water and oil don't mix, and "bird of a feather flock together". D
So it is indeed important, what Amina says... the only problem is that one often doesn't know oneself that well, especially at a young age. We do after all develop over time, but we should try to find out, or feel/sense, our basic tendencies, characteristics and values. These must match for a relationship to be good.
Peace
Zulf,
And you are right. When I think back on the time I dated someone that was "opposite" of my personality, we really only had one thing in common...physical desires. Other than that, the relationship was dead.
Oh goodness yes...if I knew at 20 what I know now at 34...it took being married for me to discover that I am fiercely independent. All of my friends could see it, but I couldn't. "Live and learn," isn't that what they say?
Peace,
Amina
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Peace MMKhan,
I did not add "soon", I just included it within my sentence. Perhaps, it's just the way I speak. Sometimes, I type in the way in which I speak. I meant for the advise to help anyone, whether they get married now or later. I didn't mean to exclude anyone.
Yes, MMKhan, Amina is correct. I found this to be an obvious aspect that couples must talk about. Otherwise, there is nothing else to talk about, if they do not share this belief in God alone.
The whole basis of my husband and I coming together was on the premise of believing in God alone. I never thought I would get married. I found it so difficult to find someone who shared this belief. Then, it happened. Praise God. We of course discussed our shared monotheism at great lengths.
However, I think that compatibility in other aspects is also important. This is why I included this list. Two people may believe in God alone, but they may disagree in many other aspects, causing a rift between them. It is important that they have similar values in other aspects as well, because they will have to live with one another day in and day out.
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Peace mmkhan
Instead of discussing these things , I would like the discuss the main key point is, whether she agrees to serve only Allah and no one else as per 2221.
My ex husband said that he served Allah alone and claimed to live it. Once we were married the turth was revealed. My point being, yes, it is VERY important to discuss, but just because someone claims it with their lips doesn't make it so.
This is also very important. People can profess many things. They can tell you they believe something, but it is important to get to know them more, and see what they are really about.
Also, same beliefs alone DO NOT hold a marriage together...once again, I learned that the hard way. Just because you both agree to serve God alone doesn't mean you will get along swimmingly.
Very true.
I think the reason Released didn't list it is because it is an item that is a "no-brainer," meaning it is implied that she (or we) would already know that about them before we even considering taking the step into a relationship.
Hope I made sense there.
-Amina
One thing I will add even though my husband I discussed that entire list, we still have arguments and fights. This is inevitable in a marriage. However, we don't fight or argue about too many major things, because we have discussed the bulk of it (that long list). Sometimes, we just irritate one another with small things, but then quickly forgive and move forward.