Too many differences? Or what do you think?
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Salam Brothers and Sisters,
I've been speaking to this man I met online for a few months. A few weeks ago, he told me he's interested in marrying me, so we agreed to meet by the end of this month. Our backgrounds are a bit mismatched. He grew up in a strict Sunni household, and I grew up with a Catholic upbringing. He's Palestinian, and I'm Mexican. He's 27, and I'm 24 (age gap isn't great, just thought I'd add it). He's never had a girlfriend before, and I've had 4 boyfriends (before Islam).
When it comes to Islam we tend to agree on most things, except he always seems to have a Hadith for everything. Like today, we were video chatting, and my dog came to me so I petted her on the head, and he freaked out. Several times, he's tried to convince me to wear the veil, just to make me a "better Muslim". Sometimes I feel like my past relationships might bother him in the future. Even though he tells me, "it's your past, I love you for who you are now".
When we disagree, things get pretty intense, but we always end up happy again. I genuinely have feelings for him, and I care about him, but sometimes I think we're like complete opposites. I think that comes with everything, but I'm just thinking about the future.
Like what are we going to teach our kids? Would we have to pray separately? Would we live in Palestine, U.S., or Mexico? Would our differences eventually cause us to separate? These are the things I think about sometimes. What do you think? How would you approach this?
Thanks for taking the time to read this
May Peace and Blessings of Allah be upon You ) -
Salaam,
It looks like he is a sunni.
I think there are on this forum a couple of ladies who are at this moment married with a sunni and are facing because of this some serious problems.
I am afraid that if he stays a sunni, then you will face the same problems as them.Salaam and may Allah help you to make the right decisions pr
Bender -
Salaam,
Unless you can turn him to the light side you will encounter immense problems.
I have had huge problems with my wife who is of Shia upbringing and it was almost psychopathic at times, until a turning point where I miraculously managed, through the grace of God, to have her eyes opened.
I think you will have some big problems with him, but sometimes it is your destiny. Living together without either of you changing will be nearly impossible, but I think it will end in either one changes or divorce, frankly said.
Remember, living in the so-called Islamic countries as a woman can lead you into a deathtrap, if your husband is being unrighteous. I was "lucky" being a man, in that regard.
Either way, I wish you good luck and may the Force (of God) be with you, always.
God speed
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Salam,
I think its hard to say what you should do. Obviously you have feelings for him but you have unanswered questions. Before committing I think you should see his views on
"Like what are we going to teach our kids? Would we have to pray separately? Would we live in Palestine, U.S., or Mexico? Would our differences eventually cause us to separate? These are the things I think about sometimes. What do you think? How would you approach this?"
e.g. How would you expect to bring up future children, we both have different views etc.
Whether you two pray the same or not and if you prayed together how would it work
Where does he see "us" living.
Anyway I think you get the drift. if the guy is serious he should be open about discussing anything. A few months is hard to gauge how authentic someone is but who knows, meet him see his character in person and discuss things.
Even if you marry someone of the same beliefs people differ in opinions. So maybe just ask yourself could he tolerate and accept you as you are? Would he bend over backwards to make his kids exactly like him or would he be ok if they imitated you? will you help each other grow and make a positive difference to each others lives, etc.
Just don't rush into anything. All the best inshallah
salam
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Take it from me, I know what that is like, despite how al hamdulilah loving and close my relationship in my marriage is right now. We are both from different cultures America/Egypt and although we are both new Quranists...the cultural differences even in our GREAT relationship...puts some weight on my shoulders. I wouldn't say it strains our relationship, but I find myself kinda sad inside that he will never understand where I am coming from, nor will I of him. I dream somehow we move to live in the States, especially now that my family is there, even though I know the US is not the best place to live for the next decade (upcoming economic crisis, police tyranny..etc) and I feel like I'm lying to myself staying here in Egypt. But I love him and could never leave him. Ok maybe I could never go back to the US because of certain circumstances, but I can't help but wish it was possible.
So realistically, I think you should give this some more thought and think about how things will be later on between you two. Do you see yourself being resentful or him? Will your compromises/goals change? It seems you have such a long bridge to walk to meet each other midway. I pray it works out for you both, but I thought I'd just tell you to make a conscious decision.
You should know I'm also half Egyptian and share already a lot of his culture, but it still doesn't seem to be enough for us to 'click' every single time. But then again , no relationship is perfect ).
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I wonder what image he has of you in his mind. Who is he imagining to live with? He won't be living with the image of you... he will be living with the real you. Images often tend to be more rosy cosy than reality. Is he expecting you, consciously or unconsciously, to change?
Anyhow, not sure whether this was of any help. I pray for your happy marriage and that you'll get someone who really suits you!
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I think there are on this forum a couple of ladies who are at this moment married with a sunni and are facing because of this some serious problems.
I am afraid that if he stays a sunni, then you will face the same problems as them.He is indeed Sunni, I know if I marry him, it won't be a piece of cake seeing how strict he is about his beliefs. I'm just hoping he can try to have an open mind, and at least respect my ideas, God willing.
Peace and Blessings peace
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I have had huge problems with my wife who is of Shia upbringing and it was almost psychopathic at times, until a turning point where I miraculously managed, through the grace of God, to have her eyes opened.
What made her finally change her beliefs?
I think you will have some big problems with him, but sometimes it is your destiny. Living together without either of you changing will be nearly impossible, but I think it will end in either one changes or divorce, frankly said.
I know, it makes me a little sad, thinking that we might end up in divorce over this. We both tend to be a bit stubborn, so this will definitely cause problems if either of us try to change each other. Insh'Allah I can help him, if it is God's will.
Remember, living in the so-called Islamic countries as a woman can lead you into a deathtrap, if your husband is being unrighteous. I was "lucky" being a man, in that regard.
I understand exactly what you're saying here, I've read plenty of articles of women being abused and killed in these so-called Islamic countries too. I'll have to take this approach very carefully, thanks for your input.
Peace and Blessings be Unto You and Your Wife peace
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Anyway I think you get the drift. if the guy is serious he should be open about discussing anything. A few months is hard to gauge how authentic someone is but who knows, meet him see his character in person and discuss things.
I'm hoping to get all of these questions out of the way before we plan anything more concrete. He appears to be somewhat strict, but at the same time open minded a bit. I hope we can find an understanding, Insh'Allah.
Even if you marry someone of the same beliefs people differ in opinions. So maybe just ask yourself could he tolerate and accept you as you are? Would he bend over backwards to make his kids exactly like him or would he be ok if they imitated you? will you help each other grow and make a positive difference to each others lives, etc.
Just don't rush into anything. All the best inshallah
These are important questions to keep in mind too, thank you for bringing them to me. I will definitely have to know all of these things before jumping into marriage.
Peace and Blessings peace
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Take it from me, I know what that is like, despite how al hamdulilah loving and close my relationship in my marriage is right now. We are both from different cultures America/Egypt and although we are both new Quranists...the cultural differences even in our GREAT relationship...puts some weight on my shoulders. I wouldn't say it strains our relationship, but I find myself kinda sad inside that he will never understand where I am coming from, nor will I of him. I dream somehow we move to live in the States, especially now that my family is there, even though I know the US is not the best place to live for the next decade (upcoming economic crisis, police tyranny..etc) and I feel like I'm lying to myself staying here in Egypt. But I love him and could never leave him. Ok maybe I could never go back to the US because of certain circumstances, but I can't help but wish it was possible.
I think I understand what you're saying here, sometimes when I speak about certain things, he has no idea where I'm coming from, and just calls me crazy lol. Insh'Allah you can have a way to move back to the states.
So realistically, I think you should give this some more thought and think about how things will be later on between you two. Do you see yourself being resentful or him? Will your compromises/goals change? It seems you have such a long bridge to walk to meet each other midway. I pray it works out for you both, but I thought I'd just tell you to make a conscious decision.
Resentful, not at all. I mean I get pretty fired up sometimes, but I always end up happy again. I think it's possible for us to meet on middle grounds, hopefully, only God knows for now. Thank you very much, and yes before I make my decision, I have to put my feelings aside and view this relationship logically.
Peace and Blessings be Unto You and Your Husband peace
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I wonder what image he has of you in his mind. Who is he imagining to live with? He won't be living with the image of you... he will be living with the real you. Images often tend to be more rosy cosy than reality. Is he expecting you, consciously or unconsciously, to change?
Anyhow, not sure whether this was of any help. I pray for your happy marriage and that you'll get someone who really suits you!
Well I think he has an image of me being new to Islam, and being somewhat misguided, so he is very understanding about me questioning mainstream Islam. Hopefully I can discuss this with him soon, if it doesn't work out I hope God will guide him, Insh'Allah.
Peace and Blessings peace
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Salaam missdee,
I think it was my steadfastness and prayers and help from God. Certain things are a secret which I cannot reveal unfortunately.
Guess I was stubborn and refused to give up despite major mental torture. I actually gave up at a point and that is when God intervened.
Now I am where I am.
Good luck to you, sister, if you choose this man you may have a long and tough time ahead, but always follow God's will. Many stubborn sect members are difficult to change from their ideas (because Satan has inflicted them) and it takes mercy from God to be able to change them. It all comes down to God's will.
God bless you and hope you will be kept safe
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Guess I was stubborn and refused to give up despite major mental torture. I actually gave up at a point and that is when God intervened.
Now I am where I am.
I think I might experience the same mental torture, but I hope to be where you are someday, Insh'Allah.
Good luck to you, sister, if you choose this man you may have a long and tough time ahead, but always follow God's will. Many stubborn sect members are difficult to change from their ideas (because Satan has inflicted them) and it takes mercy from God to be able to change them. It all comes down to God's will.
God bless you and hope you will be kept safe
Thank you very much, if I find there is no window for change, I might just have to let him be. I wouldn't want to stress him or myself. But God willing, there is hope.
God Bless )
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I think the best advice i can give you is to seek Allahs advice. Ask Him what you should do. You can never go wrong there.
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I think you should make very clear to him what you are not going to do to please him and what you will not take from him, and put that in a marriage contract. If he accepts well and good, if not then do not marry. Wverything that you leave in the dark will haunt you with certainty or you will be asieged all the time and led to the making you feel guilty tactic so good and popular amongst many manipulative men, who love you very much, very much, provided they always have their way.
May be he is not manipulative and is just himself manipulated, but that you should make it very clear, that if he is manipulated, YOU WILL NOT BE AND LEAST OF ALL BY HIM. Be clear and firm and stick to it EVER and do not fear to be blunt and to stand without any shadow of doubt by you principles and you likes, he is taking a wife not a follower or a conquered convert or something of the kind. And enver give him any possibility to believe that that will change.
Salaam
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I think you should make very clear to him what you are not going to do to please him and what you will not take from him, and put that in a marriage contract. If he accepts well and good, if not then do not marry. Wverything that you leave in the dark will haunt you with certainty or you will be asieged all the time and led to the making you feel guilty tactic so good and popular amongst many manipulative men, who love you very much, very much, provided they always have their way.
You make excellent points here, and if we do end up marrying, I'll make sure to make a sound marriage contract, and I hope he is not among the manipulating men (
May be he is not manipulative and is just himself manipulated, but that you should make it very clear, that if he is manipulated, YOU WILL NOT BE AND LEAST OF ALL BY HIM. Be clear and firm and stick to it EVER and do not fear to be blunt and to stand without any shadow of doubt by you principles and you likes, he is taking a wife not a follower or a conquered convert or something of the kind. And enver give him any possibility to believe that that will change.
Salaam
We have our debates and arguments from time to time, he calls me arrogant, and I call him stubborn. But even with all of this, we still manage to try to understand and respect each other, and I want him to know that I believe what I believe, and I don't want him to ever try to force me into his own set of beliefs, as you said he is taking a wife, not a conquered convert, he is well aware I am a critical thinker
Thank you for your input, and God Bless peace
