Too many differences? Or what do you think?
-
I think there are two sorts of things. Difference of opinion on religion or on anything else should not be a source of distress if we are sure of ourselves. He thinks this and that, good for him, you think this or that other good for you. BUT when the question is not about different opinions where you can disagree in peace, it is when it goes beyond and he expects you to conform to his norms or the opposite nd he does not accept in deed and word that you are not going to do what he wants. They are two different things. Very different. One is feasible, the other is not if you want to be yourself and not a pale shadow and a property of his.
Therefore that hadith about intercession for me is a difference of opinion, but his expectations that you should conform to his idea of Muslimness for a woman is outright tyrany, so completely different.
Difference of opinion with close relationships is always present. There are not two people in the world who think the same thing about everything. nd all of us have to accpet that with good grace. Tyrany is nothing to keep quiet about for the sake of peace. It is the burying of the other in live just as they did with girl children in the old times in Arabia an which the Qur'an talks about. Nobody has to put up with that nor whould anybody put up with that, it is an invitation to the tyran to feel like a god, to shirk.
Salaam
Totally agree!!!! Well said!
A lot of people don't know what emotional abuse is. I didn't either till I found myself in one. Like you said it was not the difference in opinion but constantly putting me down and manipulating me to conform to his standards is form of abuse. Sometimes it was subtle and not very obvious. Telling me how he genuinely cares about me and all that was just part of the manipulation.
-
i didnt even know this thread was here Dee! im feeling so sad right now but hopeful that things will work out when he comes. it will put things on a totally different level but the decisions will be even harder. im praying that it works out for you. i didnt know your dad was an alcoholic, my mom was too =[
i dont understand why God chooses to enlighten some of us and not others. it seems as if enlightenment is the answer to most problems, what an easy fix -\ -
MsDee i thought about you the other day--its been pretty warm here the past few days, maybe in the 70's...and ive been wearing a black leather jacket around. you know i hate the heat and i was just thinking about being wrapped up in a hijab--and its not even full blown summer yet--and then i thought about you being on the west coast and wrapped up in hijab, lol. then i read Aamers comment about the ninja girls in AZ. phew that is sacfricing a lot of comfort, more power to all the women who wear hijab in ridiculously hot places, all joking aside muscle
-
I see red flags in what you have shared. When you are emotionally involved, it is traumatic when the relationship comes to an end or things are not going well which causes distress and of course, you will feel happy when not experiencing the distress but over time if he is constantly telling you what you should believe and how you should behave or dress, your feelings will turn into loneliness, resentment and anger. What is his reaction when you criticize his beliefs? A comment here, a certain look there, and crticism can slowly chisel away at the relationship over time. Seems he is not accepting of your beliefs and you are not accepting of his - each trying to change the other. Hoping that a partner will change is a big mistake. What you are doing is imposing your views on him and he is trying to impose his views on you.
Glad you are thinking about your future children. How will you raise them? Will you raise them traditional Sunni? whatever you have said on this forum is what your children will hear at home. Is it fair to the children to hear their parents debating over religion watching their mom feeling unhappy? If he wants the children to go to Islamic school raised the way he was - would that be ok with you. Would it be fair to marry a Sunni and tell the children that their father believes in lies told about God?
Please don't let your feelings decide your future as your feelings can betray you. I have been there and done that. May God guide you both.
Salam,
You speak the truth, I just mind that he wants to uphold the Hadiths as divine revelation. I need him to understand hearsay does not equate to God's word, but it's difficult when he's grown up with these beliefs. At this point, I'm thinking I can just let him be. We both know our stances and our differences now. The only progress I've made is in him admitting he is not certain about all Hadiths, and that they are open for discussion.
We've actually discussed about children before, he said he'd teach them what he knows. I would not call him a liar, or allow the children to disrespect him, but I would only implore with them to think for themselves. If they choose to follow Hadith after, that will be entirely their decision.
It's true, feelings can make us cling on to irrational and hurtful things, I hope I can keep a clear and stable mind before I make my final decision, thank you for your input.
Peace and Blessings peace
-
I think there are two sorts of things. Difference of opinion on religion or on anything else should not be a source of distress if we are sure of ourselves. He thinks this and that, good for him, you think this or that other good for you. BUT when the question is not about different opinions where you can disagree in peace, it is when it goes beyond and he expects you to conform to his norms or the opposite nd he does not accept in deed and word that you are not going to do what he wants. They are two different things. Very different. One is feasible, the other is not if you want to be yourself and not a pale shadow and a property of his.
Therefore that hadith about intercession for me is a difference of opinion, but his expectations that you should conform to his idea of Muslimness for a woman is outright tyrany, so completely different.
Difference of opinion with close relationships is always present. There are not two people in the world who think the same thing about everything. nd all of us have to accpet that with good grace. Tyrany is nothing to keep quiet about for the sake of peace. It is the burying of the other in live just as they did with girl children in the old times in Arabia an which the Qur'an talks about. Nobody has to put up with that nor whould anybody put up with that, it is an invitation to the tyran to feel like a god, to shirk.
Salaam
Salam,
I agree completely with what your saying, I mean we have our debates, and there was a power struggle for a little while, but now we're at a point were we can just agree to disagree to maintain the peace. When we do debate something, we don't get as fired up as before, at the end we know we care about each other, and don't wish to hurt one another. I wouldn't really call him a tyrant, or call myself one either, it's just differences in opinion, but after discussing this with him, we have found a way to keep the peace and on certain issues we have found some middle ground, so I'm happy about that.
I think I will always find differences in people, as no 2 people are alike, as you mentioned. From this point forward, we're still getting to know each other. Nothing is set in stone, and we won't be officially engaged until he comes to see me next month, I thought he'd be here by now but he's had some trouble with a friend. God willing I make the correct decision, I still have 2 more years to think about it lol, since we agreed that would be enough for us to get an idea of what we have to look forward to. Thank you very much for your time.
Peace and Blessings peace
-
no dog or crab will bother him, but might be ur last 4 x boy friends will nope &
I have never talk with him or seen him, but the way he is genuinely concern about ur veil and stuff, he sounds to be a good man )
wish you luck sister handshake pr
I think so too (
But at least he is understanding, he knows this was before Islam.He really is a good man, even though we have our differences, and thank you.
Peace and Blessings peace
-
Totally agree!!!! Well said!
A lot of people don't know what emotional abuse is. I didn't either till I found myself in one. Like you said it was not the difference in opinion but constantly putting me down and manipulating me to conform to his standards is form of abuse. Sometimes it was subtle and not very obvious. Telling me how he genuinely cares about me and all that was just part of the manipulation.
Salam,
There are big signs you can recognize while the abuse is happening. Though, I never noticed these things when I was with my last ex, not until after we broke up, and I began reading about these things. They can come in different forms, not always violent or suppressive.
My ex would use a lot of emotional black mail. He was living with me for some time and had nowhere to go, every time we'd get in a fight he would threaten to leave, knowing I care about his well being and safety I would not allow him to leave, and I'd just cave in or apologize even though I didn't sincerely mean it. I used to just think he was going through a hard time, until he started getting more violent and aggressive. When he hit me, I felt like I finally woke up. I left him the next day.
I would not say this Sunni man is like him. My ex was immature and only cared about himself. This guy really does care about me. I mean the time difference from here to Dubai is big. He doesn't sleep until 10am just to speak to me. There's a lot of attention to detail in the way he speaks. Maybe I'm wrong about him, but for now I feel he is good, even though we disagree on certain things. Only time will tell from this point forward...
-
i didnt even know this thread was here Dee! im feeling so sad right now but hopeful that things will work out when he comes. it will put things on a totally different level but the decisions will be even harder. im praying that it works out for you. i didnt know your dad was an alcoholic, my mom was too =[
i dont understand why God chooses to enlighten some of us and not others. it seems as if enlightenment is the answer to most problems, what an easy fix -\I didn't know your mother was an alcoholic too, I hope she is doing good now. I hope you didn't feel sad after reading my post, and feel better soon. Thank you for the prayers, I will keep you in mind as well.
God guides whom he wills, and I hope we are rightly guided as well. Take care, and answer my emails when you get a chance
Peace and Blessings peace
-
MsDee i thought about you the other day--its been pretty warm here the past few days, maybe in the 70's...and ive been wearing a black leather jacket around. you know i hate the heat and i was just thinking about being wrapped up in a hijab--and its not even full blown summer yet--and then i thought about you being on the west coast and wrapped up in hijab, lol. then i read Aamers comment about the ninja girls in AZ. phew that is sacfricing a lot of comfort, more power to all the women who wear hijab in ridiculously hot places, all joking aside muscle
I was reading that this year will be the hottest summer in West Costs history, I hope I survive lol. I don't even wear the veil, just the scarf on my neck and chest, and I feel I'm burning up already. Must take some serious will power not to nudge at the scarf to let in a little air from time to time. More power to them though, I admire their dedication.