Partner's parents living with us after marriage
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Salaam,
We all have a duty to our parents. What you describe certainly isn't how I would behave, or indeed, expect my children to behave. It seems that some see parents as a burden whereas for me, spending time with them, caring for them, I would consider an honour.
Peace.
Hi Sajda,
So you are ok to live in a house with your husband and with your and his parents?
I think there is a time that we have to accept to get independent of our parents and our children.
Unless they are very sick or have financial problems or other really important things. I do not see the added value to live with our parents and our partner in the same house. -
Peace everyone,
I think Neptin and es both have some good/valid points.
Neptin, I think you raise a good/valid point when you suggest that one can be dutiful to ones parents without living with them in the same house. At the same time, I think one have to take culture in mind when trying to understand why others choose do it. I think we should respect the cultures of others. In my view, all muslims have the right to express all parts of their culture that are compatible with the teachings of the Quran. The Quran suggests that one has the right to express ones national/racial identity, culture and language (548, 3022 and 4913). In my view, these verses suggest that the Quran acknowledges cultural pluralism. Throughout my life, I have had several friends who were from Pakistan. And they have been kind and generous to me. I like Pakistanis. And I like their culture. From my knowledge of history, Pakistanis and Indians are the same people (but I might be wrong). If Pakistanis and Indians are the same people, then I hope Pakistanis and Indians will unite in the future, but I digress.
es, I think you raise a good/valid point when you say that we all have a duty to our parents. And if one wants to live in the same house as ones parents, then I think one has the right to do it. At the same time, I don't think that the Quran suggest that one has to live with ones parents when they are not ill, weak or old. From my understanding of the Quran, it doesn't suggest that one must live with ones parents if they are healthy and don't need any help in order to survive.
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Salaam,
We all have a duty to our parents. What you describe certainly isn't how I would behave, or indeed, expect my children to behave. It seems that some see parents as a burden whereas for me, spending time with them, caring for them, I would consider an honour.
Peace.
This is where cultural and personal differences lie. I think it's beautiful that you see caring for your parents in such a high light. peace
and the most amazing thing when you massage your parents and they feel relax and give you blessings , thats the real honour , every single day when i was with my mom i used to do it to her and she automatically utter some words which i sometimes unnderstand, something like that,,, oh son may God bless you always, and give you whatever you want, and makes ur problems go , and you achieve whatever you wish,, these type of words,
and i feel shooo nice..
That's very sweet of you Imran. I know I always feel nice when I do something brief for my mother and she compliments me. I've never experienced getting blessings showered over me though. Sounds like a cultural difference.
Hi Sajda,
So you are ok to live in a house with your husband and with your and his parents?
I think there is a time that we have to accept to get independent of our parents and our children.
Unless they are very sick or have financial problems or other really important things. I do not see the added value to live with our parents and our partner in the same house.For parents, I could see the value - they get to be around their children and never experience the effects of what is known as "Empty Nest Syndrome" (when children leave the home and parents find themselves gripped with loneliness and confusion about what to do next).
But I also see the value in both child and parent creating new identities for themselves, instead of allowing ourselves only to be defined by our roles. I'm aware that I will be defined as such--and we will all be at one point--and maybe it's just my culture, but I think it's important to always come back to what makes us, us. Of course if someone wants to be defined and known solely as a wife and mother, or a child, or whatever it is--that's fine. That's their choice, and they're entitled to it. But I think we should all have options open to us, as much as possible, about what we want to do and who we want to be in life (in all stages of life).
These two paragraphs of an article stood out to me (written from a woman's perspective)
Part of our sense of disruption around identity comes not only from the loss of a particular kind of relationship with our children but also because this loss is temporally close to other losses in the life cycle. Our younger selves have dissolved into menopausal clouds. We are too old to realize certain dreams. Weve made choices that are now irrevocable not making partner because of the kids or making partner and always feeling guilty about the kids. Chickens tend to come home to roost at about the same time as our children grow up. The marriage that sputtered along, the career that never quite materialized, the friendships that couldnt be maintained and of course, most acutely, our own mortality. The chaotic diversions inherent in raising children cease, and we suddenly find ourselves with time to reflect. What did we do right? Where did we fail? How do we spend our remaining time? And who will show up to help with the transition?
It wouldnt be that hard to make this transition more pleasant and more productive. First of all, it would be useful if we began to think about post-parenting years long before they arrive. Imagining our future selves tends to get neglected as we focus on our childrens future. But opportunity favors the prepared. Many women find these years some of the best of their lives. The get married, get divorced, try new careers, travel, expand their horizons, tighten friendships and maintain warm, close relationships with their children (and in turn their grandchildren). The fact is that women are less depressed, less anxious and less suicidal in their 50s and 60s than at any other time. There is clearly something salutary about navigating through motherhood and back into a more independent life. We dont really lose ourselves. In fact, we can become better, certainly wiser, versions of the women weve been.
Source http//www.nytimes.com/2013/05/12/opinion/sunday/after-the-children-have-grown.html?_r=0
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So daycare is wrong? Allowing anyone else, besides yourself, to care for a family member is wrong? I'm just confused. That's what you seem to be advocating. I'm curious where you stand on assisted care within the home.
Sadly no matter how clearly I phrase the issue, it seems to always carry on to be misunderstood, probably why you are asking such a question.
Ill try and be extremely brief and clear as much as possible.
Daycare is a facility, not a luxury. That's as plain as I can possibly get.
Also to repeat myself over yet again after several times since my very first post in this topic it all depends on the situation.
In any case daycare and dire/unusual situations and all that are completely irrelevant as far as the situation described in the topic is concerned
Similarly paying another organization for the care (no matter how good or expensive the care maybe) of your parents for the ulterior motive of keeping them out of your life does not come under "doing good to parents" nor being "dutiful".
Keeping them out because you see them as a nuissance and a burden I should add ->
That is what I've been addressing.
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Hello,
Hi Sajda,
So you are ok to live in a house with your husband and with your and his parents?
I think there is a time that we have to accept to get independent of our parents and our children.
Unless they are very sick or have financial problems or other really important things. I do not see the added value to live with our parents and our partner in the same house.No, I am not okay with it. Of course, I would love to live a life free of the responsibility of a bunch of old folks knocking around my house, depriving me of my privacy, my money, my time, my energy, etc., etc., etc., but I see it as my duty. And I don't take my duties lightly.
Salaam.
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Hello,
...but I see it as my duty. And I don't take my duties lightly.
Salaam.
Same here. If only more people realized it and (God stresses it in the Quran). This isnt being extra nice, and no this isnt a favor to them. Caring for parents as they brought us up when we were helpless, for us is a debt, an obligation a duty that is owed to them.
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Peace,
Same here. If only more people realized it and (God stresses it in the Quran). This isnt being extra nice, and no this isnt a favor to them. Caring for parents as they brought us up when we were helpless, for us is a debt, an obligation a duty that is owed to them.
Exactly!
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Hello,
No, I am not okay with it. Of course, I would love to live a life free of the responsibility of a bunch of old folks knocking around my house, depriving me of my privacy, my money, my time, my energy, etc., etc., etc., but I see it as my duty. And I don't take my duties lightly.
Salaam.
You see it as a duty to take them in your home?
I think the duty towards our parents is that we should be good to them. We can be good to them without having them in our house.
If my mom really wants to live in my house or for some practical reason then that is totally ok with me (of course only if she is going to do all the household and pay half of the rent).
But to see it as a duty to take our parents in our homes just because they are our parents is a little bit weird imho.btw do you want to live with your children in 1 house after they get married? Me for sure not, for them and for myself.
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For parents, I could see the value - they get to be around their children and never experience the effects of what is known as "Empty Nest Syndrome" (when children leave the home and parents find themselves gripped with loneliness and confusion about what to do next).
Maybe for some or a lot of parents this is the case, but for myself I do not see any value to live with my children in their home after they get married. I would feel uninvited and uncomfortable besides that I want my own privacy.
Preferable situation for me is to have my parents and my children in a short distance. -
Peace all,
I saw a Facebook post today in which a man was talking about his mother, who is 103-years-old. The Facebook post included a picture of them both. The man was in his late 80s himself. It was beautiful. It makes me wonder about how they live their lives. But anyways. Just thought I'd share.
In any case daycare and dire/unusual situations and all that are completely irrelevant as far as the situation described in the topic is concerned
Keeping them out because you see them as a nuissance and a burden I should add ->
That is what I've been addressing.
I understand your point now. Thank you for the added clarification.
Peace. peace
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i find those people lucky who get a chance to look after their parents . its a blessing if we think positively.
may b sometimes we only understand when we have our own kids, and if somebody kidnnap them, mother and father do whatever it takes to get it back, for parents their kids mean so much for them,
but this life is full of sellfishness , whenever we find ourself in a stable position first thing come in the mind to get seperate and have a private life, parents usually never stops us, becoz they are happy in ur happiness,
but look its better to live with them.
a indian movie bhagban is an example if somebody have a chance to see this movie look into it,
http//www.imdb.com/title/tt0337578/
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If my mom really wants to live in my house or for some practical reason then that is totally ok with me (of course only if she is going to do all the household and pay half of the rent).
Repulsive to say the least. You'd make your own mother labour away and pay too?
This is one of the same inhumane attitudes that have existed over and over again throughout time and one of the outrages that God sent scripture to put a stop to.
Apparently people read but they choose not to understand, they see but act blind, they hear but act deaf.
Quran 543 And they denied and followed their desires, but (for) every matter (will be a) settlement.
Anyway, I don't see what the point is of arguing the matter. Those with a complete lack of conscience - personal desires are a justification enough to do or not do whatever.
To each their own.
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Repulsive to say the least. You'd make your own mother labour away and pay too?
what i can say now. human being is free to decide and act whatever they want, now i will comme to animals,
all the animals and the documentries of them i watch. i realise one thing the parents of animals never leave them untill they make them prepare for everything. and they love them by cuddling with them ,licking them with their tonge.the kid of animal and human there is a big difference , human kid learn to walk after nine months.and in this nine months countless kisses we recieve from our parents, cant we learn from animals what is the importance of this relationship.
i watched a documentry in which buffalo safe his kid from lions and make the lions run away , and after that the little kid was walking with her mom and lot of other buffalo and she/he buffalo shouts at lions , what a amazing documentry it was,
peace.
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what i can say now. human being is free to decide and act whatever they want, now i will comme to animals,
all the animals and the documentries of them i watch. i realise one thing the parents of animals never leave them untill they make them prepare for everything. and they love them by cuddling with them ,licking them with their tonge.the kid of animal and human there is a big difference , human kid learn to walk after nine months.and in this nine months countless kisses we recieve from our parents, cant we learn from animals what is the importance of this relationship.
i watched a documentry in which buffalo safe his kid from lions and make the lions run away , and after that the little kid was walking with her mom and lot of other buffalo and she/he buffalo shouts at lions , what a amazing documentry it was,
peace.
In the west, many parents believe that having prepared their kids for everything means that by 18 or 19, a young adult will have graduated from the educational system. They will have the independence and skills to establish themselves away from their parents and either move on to a greater pursuit of learning, or move into the workforce. For many parents, these are the signs that they have "done their job right."
What I would be interested in knowing is how well, if at all, animals care for their parents in an elderly age (and what species they are, if they do). I have a feeling the practice isn't common, though, although there doesn't seem to be much research. (The only source of information I could find was on Quora https//www.quora.com/In-the-animal-kingdom-do-the-young-care-for-their-elderly-parents)
But then again, as you stated, there is a difference between animals and humans. Most animals don't live nearly as long as humans. Most animals live a life completely revolving around survival. Of course, they do take care of and nourish their young, as do humans. And it's wonderful to see. But at a certain time, I believe that most species let their children go.
I don't think anyone is denying that parents love their children, or that children love their parents.
Peace. )
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Repulsive to say the least. You'd make your own mother labour away and pay too?
This is one of the same inhumane attitudes that have existed over and over again throughout time and one of the outrages that God sent scripture to put a stop to.
Apparently people read but they choose not to understand, they see but act blind, they hear but act deaf.
Quran 543 And they denied and followed their desires, but (for) every matter (will be a) settlement.
Anyway, I don't see what the point is of arguing the matter. Those with a complete lack of conscience - personal desires are a justification enough to do or not do whatever.
To each their own.
I thought it was obvious that I was joking there. Especially when I said in the same post "I think the duty towards our parents is that we should be good to them." Does letting my mom do the household and pay the rent sounds like being good to her???
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You see it as a duty to take them in your home?
I think the duty towards our parents is that we should be good to them. We can be good to them without having them in our house.
If my mom really wants to live in my house or for some practical reason then that is totally ok with me (of course only if she is going to do all the household and pay half of the rent).
But to see it as a duty to take our parents in our homes just because they are our parents is a little bit weird imho.btw do you want to live with your children in 1 house after they get married? Me for sure not, for them and for myself.
Then where's the joke? Sounds like the joke is to be good to them.
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It would probably be because they were getting old and withered, Bender. And a person might need assistance then.
The reason why people cannot live with others is because they are too self-centered and the fault is usually in both parts, the house owner and the guest. Both need to humble.
Be well
Amenuel -
Then where's the joke? Sounds like the joke is to be good to them.
I know I have a strange taste of humor which is not everyone taste (probably only me).
But what I do not get is that even after I said I was joking you still want to see it from the negative side. -
...I do not see the added value to live with our parents and our partner in the same house.
I'd rather not get involved anymore considering the direction this is headed but
am I seeing it from the negative side or was that^ a joke too? (See your own quote above)
...If my mom really wants to live in my house or for some practical reason then that is totally ok with me (of course only if she is going to do all the household and pay half of the rent)...
I read your earlier posts and understood.
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I think we all agree that other than selfishness or maliciousness on the part of either parents or the children, these things are pretty much non-issues. Any decent person parent or child know that they should take care of family in the best way they know how to taking into account consideration for the other party. As long as that's in place everything falls into a balance. A lot of factors affect relationships but as long as we keep the above in mind, I don't think there should be many complications.
As far as the original post goes, I think there's a bit of fear of the unknown going on which is totally understandable. Once you get to know them/meet them, you may have a better idea how to handle the situation. Best of luck and hope it works out well for all involved )