I'm I going on the wrong path?
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SaLaM simple_girl19
think of it this way. What would be your reaction if you were in your mother's place and you found out ur 19 year old daughter is meeting a guy . You didnt do anything wrong. Its just, your a sunni. your family have sunni values. One of those strictly forbids meeting of man and woman outside marriage in the kind of enviornment you met ith this guy. My mom has been really cool about this sort of thing. Perhaps ur mom is just worried and over protective.
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Peace and welcome Simple_Girl,
My advice, read the Qur'an, and chill. Talk to your mom, find a bridge to gap the differences. If you really love this dude, ask your mom if he can come over while she's home. No harm in that, right? Also, talk to your man about his plans for marrying you. What's the game plan?? Find out and explain it to your mom. She'll understand. If she doesn't, then she will later. If she doesn't ever understand, then that's too bad for her. Don't let her inabilities cripple you.
Don't feel guilty, don't feel like you're gonna burn in hell, and stop asking those kinds of questions to people who've never been there wink
You're a simple girl...so simply be good to yourself, be good to your family, believe in and learn to know God, and understand that this life is temporary, and that what you become in the next phase of your evolution is in your hands, not anyone else's. If you can do that and strive to better yourself and do your part to contribute to humanity, then the Qur'an says you have nothing to fear (569).
Let peace be upon you,
Tay -
Salaams All,
you promised
" i dint know what to do so i took the quran in my hand n asked her to forgive me n promised her that i wont continue this again n wont even b in any kinda contact with the guy"
and then you broke the promise ..........you do need to do something!
if it was my daughter i would say according to how i understand the quran a TALKING FAST for a number of days 1,2 or 3 will clear up a lot of confused thoughts in your head and make you a pious person after this regretful betrayal.
I do it in my family and the quran does advocate it - like the monks.
God Bless.
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Peace to all
The Quran actually allowed engaged couples or about to be engaged to meet each other, as long as
- they talk decently
- they don't do any sexual contact
the meeting can be a secret as well, I can bring the verse from the Quran if any would like to see it, I think it is in sura no. 4
peace
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Hi Simplegirl,
Welcome. its only understandable that ur mom is protective of u. all moms are. )
And for the 'swearing over Quran' issue, i think its not a very good idea to do it. try not doing it again ever. but then, dont break ur head about it now since u have already done it, repent honestly to Allah and never do it again. pray to Allah for forgiveness and guidance. He is the most forgiving and the most merciful.And at 19, u have ur life ahead, girl. focus on ur education now. ur love can wait until u r ready to get married. i guess there is nothing wrong in staying in touch with that guy as long as u dont ignore ur other responsibilities that u have at this age. and when u r finally ready to wed, talk to ur parents about it.
ofcourse, according to Islam , parents cant force their children to marry some particular person. but very often, these things are done out of traditional practice and are labelled islam. but u cant fight all of this now, atleast not until u r old enough and independent enough.And yeah, dont worry so much. Just think through things and do that is right. God wont be unjust towards anyone, so, be very honest to urself and to God and do the right thing.
and chill, girl! u have a long life ahead.
But refrain from making promises u cant keep. it is wrong to use promises to escape difficult situations. -
Peace Simple_Girl,
my friends have been sayin that i've done a big sin by going for all this again though swearing on the quran
You have made an oath which you have not held to. You are required to make amends for this as follows
"God will not hold you for your unintentional oaths, but He will hold you for what oaths you have made binding; its cancellation shall be the feeding of ten poor from the average of what you feed your family, or that you clothe them, or that you free a slave; whoever cannot find shall fast for three days; this is a cancellation for making your oaths when you swear. And be careful from making oaths. It is such that God clarifies for you His revelations that you may be thankful." (The Message 592)
With regards to you speaking/meeting with this boy...You should know that in the law of God there is no sin for a man and woman to speak together. But note that no secret meetings should take place unless it is nessasary and for a rightoues purpose
"And there is no sin upon you if you openly propose marriage to these women, or you keep it between yourselves. God knows that you will be thinking of them, but do not meet them secretly, unless you have something righteous to say. And do not consummate the marriage until the required interim is reached in the Scripture. And know that God knows what is in your souls, so be aware of Him, and know that God is Forgiving, Compassionate. " (The Message 2234)
As for your mother, you should confront her with God's laws and ask her if it is more important to follow God, or that we follow tradition and culture...Would she rather openly know that you are meeting with this boy whom you hope you will marry, or would she rather you hide things and go behind her back just to make her feel \happy' on the inside.
Finally...Never make an oath even in extreme circumstances unless you are sure you wil keep it.
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Peace Simple_girl19,
Why do you love this boy?
Another thing I doubt that he really loves you. Because if he does he would respect your family and would not do something that would cause your family to be angry with you. Your mother should be closer to you than any person in the world. Be careful not to hurt her. Also know that your actions affect your reputation and the reputation of your family. So as Tay said what is the game plan!?
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Peace Simple_girl19,
sis you make me sad I pray the almighty that all your dreams are fulfuiledis it wrong with what all i'm doing after taking a promise keepin quran in my hand? shudnt i b going for all this n wait till i get married to him (inshallah)? am i betrayin' my parents? is it wrong to keep any kinda conacts with a na-mehram?
53- An-Najm
32-Those who avoid great sins and shameful deeds, Only (falling into) small faults--verily thy Lord is ample in forgiveness. He knows you well when He brings you out of the earth and when ye are hidden in your mother's wombs therefore justify not yourselves. He knows best who it is that guards against evil.4- An-Nisaa
31-If ye avoid the great (things) which ye are forbidden, We will remit from you your evil deeds and make you enter at a noble gate.God bless you.
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With some hesistance I write this, but I am hopeful.
If a guy says he loves you, then why meet in secret. Why keep it hidden, and once you love someone, why not marry them. I thought love was suppose to give you courage.
It gave me courage, and it saddens me to see the youth of today devalue love by attributing it to their irresponsible intentions, in the hope that it may justify their actions.
Peace.
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Firstly,
Thanks a lot to all you people who are adivicing me according to Islam!And brother AhmedBahgat, i'll b really thankful to you if u write the verse as well or atleast the verse no. in the quran...
n abt others who've been askin me da game plan... well, people over his side includin' is parents r cool with evrythin' n r ready to call my parents to have a talk regardin' our marriage but da problem is with ma side 'cuz never in our family these so called love marriages have been promoted... im really scared to disscuss this with my parents as 1st of all my mum is still angry with me...
the guy whom i love i ready to marry me now but i hesitate a li'll to disscuss dis prob with my parents as he still gotta yr to get over with his studies n inshallah get a job...n yea... i gotta ask u ppl somethin' more.... well, since i talk to this guy without my mum's knowledge, in a way i'm betrayin' her but besides is betrayin parent a sin in islam?
but i know i'm true to myself as i dont spk nethin rubbish n even Allah knows all this -
Firstly,
Thanks a lot to all you people who are adivicing me according to Islam!And brother AhmedBahgat, i'll b really thankful to you if u write the verse as well or atleast the verse no. in the quran...
n abt others who've been askin me da game plan... well, people over his side includin' is parents r cool with evrythin' n r ready to call my parents to have a talk regardin' our marriage but da problem is with ma side 'cuz never in our family these so called love marriages have been promoted... im really scared to disscuss this with my parents as 1st of all my mum is still angry with me...
the guy whom i love i ready to marry me now but i hesitate a li'll to disscuss dis prob with my parents as he still gotta yr to get over with his studies n inshallah get a job...n yea... i gotta ask u ppl somethin' more.... well, since i talk to this guy without my mum's knowledge, in a way i'm betrayin' her but besides is betrayin parent a sin in islam?
but i know i'm true to myself as i dont spk nethin rubbish n even Allah knows all thisPeace sister
Layth has posted it in his comment it is 2235
here it is in Arabic sister, not sure if you can read arabic
(235)
I will comment later on it sister as I have to go to bed right now, sorry but i will comment tomorrow
peace and all the best
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Peace Simple_girl19 ,
n yea... i gotta ask u ppl somethin' more.... well, since i talk to this guy without my mum's knowledge, in a way i'm betrayin' her but besides is betrayin parent a sin in islam?
but i know i'm true to myself as i dont spk nethin rubbish n even Allah knows all thisYou are obligated to obey your parents in everything except if they asked you to believe in a god beside Allah, meaning forcing you to commit Shirk. This is the only thing that you should not obey them about. Of course I am here talking about normal loving and caring parents.
n abt others who've been askin me da game plan... well, people over his side includin' is parents r cool with evrythin' n r ready to call my parents to have a talk regardin' our marriage but da problem is with ma side 'cuz never in our family these so called love marriages have been promoted... im really scared to disscuss this with my parents as 1st of all my mum is still angry with me...
the guy whom i love i ready to marry me now but i hesitate a li'll to disscuss dis prob with my parents as he still gotta yr to get over with his studies n inshallah get a job...I can perfectly understand your situation. I don't know where you live but here in Saudi Arabia it is not only forbidden to fall in love but also even if the lover really wants to marry the girl, the parents won't even give him permission to ask for their daughter's hand because to them he is not trustworthy enough to be deserving of their daughter after he has allowed himself to love her behind there back. Loving the girl means that he was able to see her face which is totally forbidden here. A guy who does not respect the family values is incapable of taking responsibilty of their daughter.
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Peace sister Taj
I have a note please, the Quran only stressed being polite, loving and caring for the parents, it never suggested to obey them in every thing excpet shirk, it only warned us NOT to obey them if they encourage us to shirk, but again we should not say to them any bad word at that incident, like what happned between Abraham and his father as documneted in the Quran
the Quran even did not say not to be nice to them if they are not a loving parents, in fact the message of the Quran that we should also be nice to them if they are not loving parents
peace sister
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Simple girl, where do u come from?
Its not wrong to fall in love but u have to be sure its love and not infatuation/crush.
And then at 19, u wanna get married? arent u a bit young for it?
I'd suggest u finish up ur education and work towards a career first. when u r old enough and have a solid foundation that can back u up, get married.Hmm, not a good idea to lie to ur mom about not seeing him. Infact lying to anyone is wrong,isnt it?
Well, its true parents can be overprotective. But they also mean good(though mosttimes, according to their views/beliefs which might not be similar to urs).
But at the end of the day, they do care about u. ''love marriage is unacceptable'' is more of a traditional belief than religious. So, u will have to break through the mould if u want a love marriage, when the time is right(when u r old enough). -
With some hesistance I write this, but I am hopeful.
If a guy says he loves you, then why meet in secret. Why keep it hidden, and once you love someone, why not marry them. I thought love was suppose to give you courage.
It gave me courage, and it saddens me to see the youth of today devalue love by attributing it to their irresponsible intentions, in the hope that it may justify their actions.
Peace.
Its kept secret because of such parents homophobic attitude. And sometime these parents go to the extend of killing their own daughter known as honor killing.
Some think parents being overprotective!! well yeah in to some extend BUT if this protective attitude is coming from religious believe than I think its a red alert!! and these things can make a person insane..
Do you think its fun!! to keep it secret ?
peace
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Its not wrong to fall in love but u have to be sure its love and not infatuation/crush.
And then at 19, u wanna get married? arent u a bit young for it?
I'd suggest u finish up ur education and work towards a career first. when u r old enough and have a solid foundation that can back u up, get married.
I agree with peaceful on this one. Are you really sure you want to get married at this age? I understand, everyone is different, but generally speaking, a lot of people who get married this young only end up regretting it later, especially when things turn 'sour'.On the other hand, I can very well understand why you're keeping it all a secret. I'm aware of overbearing parents who threaten and put fear in you so much so that you can't ever express yourself or even ask for what you want. You will have to face your fear at some point, whether you like it or not. You will have to come out and tell them what your intentions are. If they are at all reasonable, then they will understand.
I don't want to scare you here, but there's a girl I worked with some years ago who eloped with her boyfriend. She got married without her parents consent, because she knew of their disagreement to that particular family. The parents told her that they never wanted to see her ever again. The marriage didn't go very well, as it turns out the husband was abusive. She had three children with him. She couldn't leave her kids with him, couldn't go back to her family who didn't want her. She still lives with this man. Now, yes, it's messed up that her marriage ended up that way, yes, she shouldn't have run away and marry this guy... but, I ask, what kind of parents are these to have anyway? People who know what's happening to her, yet they can't find it in themselves to forgive their own daughter and take her back? And probably think it's the 'islamic' thing to do! noway
My thoughts?... wait, and if he loves you and if he's patient, he will wait too. Talk to your family about it and tell them that his family knows and he is willing to wait (if this is the case). And tell them in a way that you wish to have their consent and blessing in the matter, but at the same time don't give them the option of saying no without reason. I hope that makes sense.
Peace be with you and remember to put your trust in GOD.
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Its kept secret because of such parents homophobic attitude. And sometime these parents go to the extend of killing their own daughter known as honor killing.
Yeah, I have heard about the honour killings, especially in the punjabi community.
And every time I read or see the narration of one, my eyes pop out, out of absolute disbelief and shock.
It just shocks me how people can let blind beliefs cloud their consciousness, mind and soul, to such an extent that they dont stop from killing their own daughter or the son in law.
Somehow, When I think of those parents, I kinda feel they dont really deserve their children for they seem to have no respect for human life and human beings. -
I don't agree that 19 is too young of an age to get married. It is fine to get married at 19, you just need to take two things in mind
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Your potential husband needs to get to know your parents first. He needs to stop meeting you secretly and speak with your parents on the phone, come meet your dad and your mom. The honorable things like that. So that your parents can't form an argument against him or you.
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You need to take in mind that marriage doesn't mean that you can't study, get a job and things like that. You guys can still do things like that, even if you are married. You don't have to have kids right away, and even if you do there are plenty of women that have kids and go to school. They usually do it more when they are in graduate school, married and working part-time. So don't look at marriage like the end of your education or your life. Your parents might be glad to be around him. You can take time off you breat-feed and other things and then continue at school. But that is thinking into the future. Firstly, get him to meet your parents and create a good reputation with them.
And fast for 3 days for breaking your promise.
Godbless,
ProGod -
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19 is an age of curiousity, an age when u tend to judge a book by its cover.
And marriage is a huge decission of an entire lifetime and at 19, we dont have that much of maturity to take such a huge decission.
Also, its better to finish up with ur education(atleast the undergrad) coz its difficult to do it within a marriage. its easier said than done.
For eg, say , ur top university is in another town, u would have to compromise that option as ur hubby might not be very keen for u guys to stay apart etc and if u have a baby and no help(family not around), it can be a nightmare.
And also 19 is an age of innocence and growing up. Marriage and having children would only weigh one down coz its too much of a responsibility at that age and especially if u r also keen to study. Its like telling a 14 yr old boy to earn and provide for his family. Children need to grow up at their pace and should not be forced to grow up way too early.I was glad I didnt have to worry/ consider anything other than education when I was 19.
Just my opinion. This is what i have learnt from seeing people around me.
yeah, it also depends on the kind of society u live in. -
peace,
My suggestion would be ...finish your studdies..get a job..try be indipendent..than make your decision...either you wanna marry that guy or another...or you wanna date around or whatever.........If you are independent than you will have a solid ground to stand for your rights....
Dependency always ends up with abuse...you can?t help it.
Shanty
