Need help with a dilemma

esimsek100

Peace Tay,

Didn't I say no judgement, who are you to sit on a moral high ground and lecture me, who do you think you are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now feel my wrath!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just kidding wink

Thanks Tay.

Peace Esimsek,

I promise, no judgements wink

You say you've been seeing signs to cease your current behavior. My guess is, deep down, in your soul, you don't feel you're doing the right thing. That's why you're noticing these signs. And sabotaging these "prospects" confirms this knowledge.

Ahhhh my friend, at the beginning you are. These things have been considered. Yes, me sabotaging can very much be seen as a moral dilemma, i.e. my conscience getting to me, me knowing deep down that it's wrong..........

BUT..........

It can also be interpreted as fear. The same way that I fear "settling" for one woman. Fear in a way that I still haven't decided what I want from life. Fear in, "Am I living up to my parent's/community's expectations?".

There really is no harm in what I am doing, because I aim to provide not only a great experience for me, but also a great experience for the woman. I am upfront and honest with the woman I am with, they know what to expect from me, yes very unusual for a man of the western world.

I ask for God's intervention, for a sign, but at the same time I KNOW that God does not intervene, that God is but an observer (until such due time).

I know it is my fear and self-doubt that these signs are appearing.

Now what to do...

I'd say the best thing would be complete abstinence. You need to get away from your vice in order to understand it. Then, I think you should be honest with yourself in coming to terms with what it is exactly that you want in a woman. Once you pin down what is important to you, then it's just a matter of finding a woman with those attributes.

Peace,
Tay

I need to understand what I want from my life-partner? Yes?

My friend I do understand, and do know. That is why I began my quest to find her.

Yes things to lead onto other things. And that has been the case, in the past, with different women. But I see everything this wonderful world has to offer as a blessing from God, as a great experience. Even people's so called "lows" are a great experience.

And this is what I want from my partner, someone who can have a really bad experience but still manage to see God's grace in it, still manage to understand and realise the beauty of such an act.

That's what I want from my partner, someone who can see the beauty in EVERYTHING IN THIS UNIVERSE. I want to be able to share that and I feel that until I meet this person that I have the right to share these great experiences with other human beings.

Thanks Tay.

PS By the way, to others reading through this, I'm also hoping that by replying to a lot of posts that I will be able to reveal (to myself) what is in my heart.

esimsek100

Peace,

This is turning into my own personal blog lol lol lol

I'm gonna note down a few other thoughts, by the way, I feel that the people here are in search of the best (well what I consider to be the best) and that is why I have chosen this board to sort-of spill my heart. I'm still a man dammit, still testosterone pumping through my veins. wink

I think of the Quran and all that's permissible is intimacy after marriage. I'm a rational man, and religious decree has to agree with science, for me.

Testosterone causes men to be aggressive both physically and sexually, it leads us to taking what we want.

But a recent study showed that married men and married men with kids had a much lower testosterone count than single men. The meaning to me being that the Quran's decree of getting married and attempting to live with that one partner is upheld by science. Or for zenje's sake, science is upheld by the Quran wink

So will all be solved if I get married???????????

That's my dilemma, I love females, I love them, I love them, I LOVE THEM!!!!!!!

Will I be satisfied with just one? Will my eyes wander????

Yes I think I will be satisfied with just one, because she would be the one who conquered me. And that is what love is, conquering. Or the struggle to conquer, much like the Quran's policy (in all things) no left or right extremities, only balance.

I mean think for example of how your past failed relationships have been. At first you saw something you thought was out of reach. It appeared as though, "How could this great person be interested in me?". But as time past you saw this person wasn't that great and let go.

And this conquer/love varies on many levels. But it is always there. As I've said before a supply/demand economic curve.

What's suddenly raised these problems within me is my father wanting a grandkid. I'm the oldest and it's "my turn". Pfffffffffffttttttttttt, I'm not ready!

But I love and respect my old man.

Ahhhhhhhh dilemmas, dilemmas, dilemmas.

Females are so lovely. Every inch of their body so different to a man's. And Every female so different to other females. Each with their own personality, their wierd little quirks. Damn hard choice to make.

I do not hide who I am, nor do I expect others to, but alas everyone has resorted to wearing a mask. What is it that they are so afraid of? Learn the famous saying of "You must love yourself before others love you". There's no need to hide, if someone doesn't like you, cool, that's great, "To you your way, to me mine", that's what makes life such a great experience, the variety.

So my question, until I find the woman that I can "settle" with, is it so wrong to experience with others?

Jaxal

SaLam esimsek

I know exactly how you feel.

So my question, until I find the woman that I can "settle" with, is it so wrong to experience with others?

Yes. Becoz the Quran asks us not to have sexual releations with others. Its ok to be their friend. Just dont take them to bed.

zenje

Peace esimsek,

So will all be solved if I get married???????????
In the words of Mr. Alex, "No, no, no, no, no.. no no no no no".

You have to solve your 'head problems' before you get into marriage, or atleast be comfortable with them. When you get married, a whole set of problems join you. twisted

Side note I'm reminded of a saying that goes something like... If you took all the problems of the world and divided and distributed them evenly to all human beings... people will likely ask for their own problems back.

Females are so lovely. Every inch of their body so different to a man's. And Every female so different to other females. Each with their own personality, their wierd little quirks. Damn hard choice to make.
You're right, and no matter how many you have, there will always be more. wink Think of the most beautiful woman in the world, then put the brains and morals that you want in her, the perfect fantasy... ok, now stop drooling... as long as you haven't solved the issue?... you will want other women a couple of months in. Infact, you'd probably ask yourself, what was I thinking?! brickwall

Have you ever been in a situation where you left a job that you hated, thinking if I just got into this company or got that salary I would be happy?... only to get what you asked for and still find something wrong with the new place?

There is no perfect woman, all women are perfect. You are not perfect, you're perfect just the way you are. D

esimsek100

SaLam esimsek

I know exactly how you feel.

So my question, until I find the woman that I can "settle" with, is it so wrong to experience with others?

Yes. Becoz the Quran asks us not to have sexual releations with others. Its ok to be their friend. Just dont take them to bed.

PEace Jaxal,

Easier said then done, my friend, easier said then done.

I'm a man of rationality, I need a rational explanation as to why to do it. That is why when people ask me whether I believe in the whole Quran, I answer no. There are still some unanswered questions that I have. Behind, probably 90% of the Quran's rulings, I can see the rational justification, but that 10% is still lacking (and no, it's not necessarily this topic).

When in the Quran Allah says he'll protect the message, I believe it to mean his message is always protected because it is NATURE, we see it right before our eyes, the core of the Quran is well protected both within the book and in our visualization. (By the way I'm alluding to the possiblity that the Quran could have been changed)

You see it is in my nature to mate. And the evidences on testosterone lowering when you've found your partner are compelling enough. But what if my partner is eons down the track, why is it so wrong to have these experiences??? Our religion does not place importance on virginity, but rather chastity. We are allowed to divorce and remarry, today's society's concept of boyfriend girlfriend has practically become marriage.

It is much a confusing topic.

esimsek100

Peace Zenje,

You are not perfect

I said no judging!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But from you I'd accept it.

wink

I understand what you mean, and completely agree. It's along the lines of "perhaps if we met another time, it could be, but at the moment, no".

As much as I deny love, and say it's a chemical reaction in your brain, that it can be explained, I still know it's there. I'm in search of it. But it's like finding the message, you prod and poke in different areas and you're in constant search of it, until finally.......................

BINGO

you've found it!!!!!!!!!!

Yes?

Jaxal

SaLaM esimsek

Easier said then done, my friend, easier said then done.

Brother no doubt its hard. It was hard for me too. But i realised that this worldy pleasure will not get me in God's good graces. And that is when i decided to make the change. Maybe, what helped me was that a woman finally did conqure me. But its like an addiction. And the longer you dont do it, the easier it will be for you to let go of this addiction. TRUST ME.

zenje

Now, by poke you mean... (please, don't answer! lol )

ichephren

Very off topic...but you all seem to be talking about being conquererd...how exactly does a woman conquer a man? I ask only for my own benefit as a woman )

Jaxal

SaLaM ichephern

I guess strong men like to be conqured by women .Just kidding looll. But when i say i was conqured by a woman, i mean that, this woman really got me to stop and think about everything i was doing. And that is really something becoz no woman has EVER been able to do that with me.

Layth

Peace,

Although you are not seeking advice, I will give you advice from the One who knows all things

"Say 'Come let me recite to you what your Lord has forbidden for you that you should not set up anything with Him; and be kind to your parents; and do not kill your unborn children for fear of poverty, We provide for you and for them; and do not come near lewdness, what is plain of it or subtle; and do not kill the soul which God has forbidden, except in justice. That is what He enjoined you that you may comprehend.? (The Message 6153)

Your post indicates you already know what you are doing is wrong by God's law...Deal with it.

TAJ

Peace Esimsek100,

You are suffering from addiction and you need professional help. Don't shy away from seeking it.

Fahad1

So my question, until I find the woman that I can "settle" with, is it so wrong to experience with others?

Yes. Becoz the Quran asks us not to have sexual releations with others. Its ok to be their friend. Just dont take them to bed.

Easier said then done, my friend, easier said then done.

I'm a man of rationality, I need a rational explanation as to why to do it. That is why when people ask me whether I believe in the whole Quran, I answer no. There are still some unanswered questions that I have. Behind, probably 90% of the Quran's rulings, I can see the rational justification, but that 10% is still lacking (and no, it's not necessarily this topic). ....

You see it is in my nature to mate. And the evidences on testosterone lowering when you've found your partner are compelling enough. But what if my partner is eons down the track, why is it so wrong to have these experiences??? Our religion does not place importance on virginity, but rather chastity. We are allowed to divorce and remarry, today's society's concept of boyfriend girlfriend has practically become marriage.

salam esimsek100 .
here is the rational explaination that u want

by M. Asadi

PREMARITAL SEX AND THE DYING NUCLEAR FAMILY

" This paper examines the relationship between society's greater acceptance attitudes towards premarital sex since the 1960s, the breakdown of the traditional U.S nuclear family, and the rise in female-headed single parent households.

It presents this increase in permissiveness towards premarital sex and the accompanying practice changes as causal links to the increase in the divorce rate and the feminization of poverty

The research is also extended to include status of women and children, juvenile delinquency, and shallower relationships at all levels in society.

The research model follows a logico-empirical path analysis, similar to the what the "path" that the Koran suggests while discussing non-marital sex (Koran 179). "

CLICK HERE
http//www.geocities.com/justiceparadigm/presex.pdf

.

unknownuser

HI esimsek100,

Ask urself- if u r doing what u believe and understand is right, If yes, Then

seek God's guidance.
dissect and study the belief, pros and cons and think through all of it. Think through what ur future would be like, the hurdles etc. U would know all the answers. Just think through it.

And if u r doing it becoz of lack of self control

completely abstain (even thoughts)from it for a while(decide on some time, say 4 months), making urself a promise that u will maintain abstinence and see if u can do it. To take charge of ur self. Whenever it gets difficult, fast for a few days. Gain control of ur self.

It will be easier for u to make a sensible decission at the end of it.

And to help with abstinence period, give this a thought If u fast in ramadan or have fasted, during which u would have controlled such thoughts and actions completely and also ur hunger.... so, u can do now too, if u want it strong enough.......Just be in charge and be very determined.

This is a phase that will slowly pass and it will get easier with time, if u r strong.

And u will be glad too, if u remain strong now.

May Allah guide u and help u!

And if my suggestions are not good enough , dont judge me either.wink

Peace! )

truth

There is a solution that exceeds all others in your scenario. You need to follow the steps below

Buy yourself an AK-47 and several cases of ammunition.
Get yourself a time machine.
Dial in 1520 and location Topkapi Palace, Istanbul.
Complete the coup and assume the sultanate.
You'll have a harem of hundreds to enjoy.

Good luck!

Someone

Peace esimsek100,

I took that path for some time, and surely I had to stop because as you say, signs begin flashing.

You should look for that which has started this sort of behavior, like a separation from a loved one... maybe you are trying to find some thing you have lost, or trying to forget someone by all means.

--

unknownuser

There is a solution that exceeds all others in your scenario. You need to follow the steps below

Buy yourself an AK-47 and several cases of ammunition.
Get yourself a time machine.
Dial in 1520 and location Topkapi Palace, Istanbul.
Complete the coup and assume the sultanate.
You'll have a harem of hundreds to enjoy.

Good luck!

All that trouble just to get laid as often as you like!!!?
I am sure there are better and cheaper and more "fulfilling" option than this these days! -)

I think what esimek is after or majority of men for that matter is the want of guilt-free sex with many women as possible and often as possible -)wink

Thats why I advise to everyone to get married early and have that guilt-free sex as often as you like and then perhaps you will come to realise that sex is just sex, the need of the body and once the need is satisfied then perhaps other things might happen - the dreaded four letter word (if you are lucky that is!!!) wink

Regards,

Komla

My salaam,i got a dillemma,and i want to get different oppinions from each one of you.Lately ive been thinking a lot about this ex girlfriend of mine(before i became muslim),its been a year now that ive became a muslim,so for that whole period of time we were not talking to each other,until recently.We speak about islam on the phone,she has two of her friends who became sunnis.Altho,she did not specifically tell me she wants to know more,but she wants to meet me,and im scared to start developping feelings(anyways its already happening),i know that i cant have no girlfriend because i fear God.But at the same time i dont want to lose her,or i fear that she becomes a sunni,i really dont know can i get some advices??

Jaxal

SaLaM Komla

The Quran does not forbid from having friends. You can be her friend and talk to her about islam. And if you both decide you want to be more than friends, then respect each other. There is nothing wrong with that.

unknownuser

Hi Komla,

.Altho,she did not specifically tell me she wants to know more,but she wants to meet me,and im scared to start developping feelings(anyways its already happening),i know that i cant have no girlfriend because i fear God.But at the same time i dont want to lose her,or i fear that she becomes a sunni,i really don`t know can i get some advices??

U fear talking to her coz u think u will fall in love?
Since When did 'falling in love' become a sinful deed?
Sexual intimacy between a man and a woman is prohibited before marriage.
So, I dont understand what u r scared of really in merely talking to her.
If at all u fall in love, in time and want to be with her, marry her.