Now that you have embraced this way, have you changed at all as a parent ?

Shirley

Peace to you all,

I've been thinking about my relationship with my children, and wanted to know how you all conduct your parenting, relationships and teaching skills with your own.

How have your lives with your children changed since embracing this way?

Do you have better parenting skills or are things still the same?

Do you look at your children with more love and respect than before?

Is there a certain style of discipline that you use?

Do any of you struggle with being kind, patient and loving?

What methods are you using to help your children learn and understand about God?

Do you discuss with your children in depth concerning God and the Quran?

Do you think that you only need to lead purely by example?

Thank You, for your time

peace,

shirley

savage_carrot

Peace Shirley,

Great questions, made me think.

How have your lives with your children changed since embracing this way?
I think it's made me more capable of dealing with them in a better way than previously, somehow you find strength from within more easily because overall things are a lot clearer than before. It leads to more productivity and quality.

Do you have better parenting skills or are things still the same?
I think they have vastly improved, but that is also due to more experience/growing up.

Do you look at your children with more love and respect than before?
Actually, the love has always been there, along with the respect, can't see much changes there... but looking at the big picture, it certainly helps clearing up one's own issues to see things in a better light.

Is there a certain style of discipline that you use?
Tough one. With older children, the preferred manner is the time out thingy. If they are howling and wailing, you count to three, if they don't stop then send them to their rooms (one might need to physically transport them there if they flop over and refuse to move whilst still howling). With younger children, it's to tell them gently and firmly what needs to be said and distract them straight away. Rinse and repeat however many times it's needed. It usually works uncommonly well. Sometimes nothing works then there are options of running off and waiting for the storm to abate because talking at the time usually makes it worse. Then one comes back and explains the futility of such actions. Kid's are quite practical. If they see something is not working they won't do it. One needs to adapt their strategies tbh, adding and substracting where need be. With way older kids, who try to shirk their duties around the house and in school...discussion works at times. Really listening to them and trying to come up with incentives and compromises. Secondly, a disciplined hobby might be a really good thing. Like karate or classical music. I have seen great results from it. It also builds them up and gives them something to be proud of.

Does any of you struggle with being kind, patient and loving?
Oh yes. I have had such trying times that I cannot even begin to describe them. It's totally normal, and usually the love and kindness flows right back after some momentary 'I can't take this anymore' madness...It helps to have time off from the kids every once in a while, it can get too much at times especially for mothers. Take some time off for yourself, do something you love to do without the kids. It brings the balance back. If one is still feeling down and out, it helps to talk about it with other people/mothers etc.

What methods are you using to help your children learn and understand about God?
Well, I'm giving the older one the quran to read by herself. Discussing concepts etc at other times. Kids have this habit of telling all and sundry about what they believe (also other embarrasing details), so trying to explain things from the ground up and keeping it as simple and basic as possible really helps, it also might avoid potential conflicts. I believe in explaining and discussing everything inclusive of every concept and giving her the option of trying to see for herself what makes more sense. This way she uses her own mind and logic to come to a conclusion. Then we have a discussion on that and flaws etc are further discussed. I don't believe in brainwashing kids at all because at a later time, they will rebel at anything they didn't come to by themselves, which is defeating the purpose imo.

Do you discuss with your children in depth concerning God and the Quran?
Depending on age yes, and whatever they want to talk about, trying to keep it very simple and basic...if they have further questions which should always be encouraged, we talk about those as well.

Do you think that you only need to lead purely by example?
Well, leading by example is always good but one must communicate with the kids throughout. It's very important to talk and discuss, it builds the mind, makes them use it and makes them question. Kids are also of different types, there are the silent ones, the noisy boisterous ones, the can't care less ones, the I'm really not interested ones...so depending on how one chooses to act in this regard with their kids...the age and the particluar mode/level of interaction will have to be adapted accordingly. Additionally, communication will also help in many other areas which tend to suffer as they grow up due to the lack of it. Parents must keep up with their kids, they must be interested and know what they are upto and what their interests and personalities are. It pays dividends later.

unknownuser

Peace savage carrot...A superb post... sun bravo yay

savage_carrot

Thanks enq, maybe you have some tips and tricks as well to add?

unknownuser

Peace savage carrot,shirley and all. I have two children,and three young sisters... elektro sun
I feel that empathy,and trying to remember back to when we were children ourselves,can help a great deal in dealing with ones children...Remeber the mistakes we made when we were children,the things we looked forward to,the likes and dislikes,the questions we asked etc... I think this helps us to understand why our children act in seemingly 'funny ways' on occasion,and their motivations for some of their behaviour patterns...
I think communicating with your children at their own personal,unique,individual level,and trying to understand what they are trying to convey to us,are also very important...
I think that children must be given some sense of freedom and control in their lives,ie a say in food,clothes,toys,books,what to play etc....But discipline,boundaries,and the parents playing the lead educational and protective role,is essential with children...
I feel that i want my children and sisters to be happy,brave,responsible,creative and moral adults...
Your post pretty much covers a lot of what i personally think....I am glad we have finally agreed on something... yay bravo
Peace all. ps;i will try to post again on this excellent section.(thanks for starting this much-needed thread,shirley. ).)

Shirley

Peace Savage Carrot and Enquire,

Thanks for the feedback. I'm looking for new approaches for my little ones. I keep hitting a brick wall with what I've been using so far. I was talking with my son ( who is 8 ) and asked his input.
I tried to keep my mind open and listened to his concerns.

I believe sometimes we as parents can be just as stubburn as our children and forget that they are the future of mankind. We overlook them in someways and see them as only being little people and not always potential leaders of tomorrow in God's cause.

I asked him, what can we do to improve our relationship with each other? Yes, i asked my 8 year old this and one thing he said shocked me. He is very intellegent and mentioned in his own words the need to be respected eventhough he is a little person. That made me think.

I probably wouldn't have as much trouble out of him if I would really try to understand where he is coming from. I have 2 other children 5 and 7months. I would like to improve the quality of our relationship also. I need to discipline them, but at the sametime I want to enjoy them now, before those OMG! teen years kick in. All in all , they are great kids. I will take your pointers and God willing they might take alot of chaos out of our live.

Concerning the teaching about God right now, my oldest has his own concept. He believes that God created everything. He also remembers going to the mosque all the time and I think it is still hard for him and my 5 year old. They were use to being a part of something physical that they could see with their eyes and participate in with their hands.

So much has changed in the past 3 years. We are pretty isolated and that's not always a good thing. When we were sunni, we were active in the mosque. We did dinners, field trips, talks, schooling and such. They had lots of other children like them to play and identify with and now no one except us.

I'm currently trying to come up with a strategy to give them a sense of purpose. To help them learn and understand how we as believers should be more active in the community. To do what God wants us to and not be selfish. Where we live there are alot of churches who always have event going on like fund raisers and cleaning up the community. Just last week, an old friend from a mosque that we use to attend said they were starting an organic garden. She was asking if we were interested in participating. She said that the "muslim community" needs to show their presense in the surrounding communities. They need to show that they care and are apart of a wholesome community life. And eventhough we are greatly different in our veiws and belief, I was thinking about participating in the garden efforts. I am not satisfied with living this hermit life anymore and worry that all this islolation will end up hurting the children, but at the same time I don't want them to get confused and think we have gone back to that way.

Do any of you have this dilema? -\

Thank you,

shirley

savage_carrot

Peace Shirley, enq...

I'm glad we agree on something too enq!

I asked him, what can we do to improve our relationship with each other? Yes, i asked my 8 year old this and one thing he said shocked me. He is very intellegent and mentioned in his own words the need to be respected eventhough he is a little person. That made me think.
Exactly! I've noticed that the kids want independence and to be respected and have their personal boundaries younger and younger these days for some reason. They start doing it when their terrible two's hit.

Concerning the teaching about God right now, my oldest has his own concept. He believes that God created everything. He also remembers going to the mosque all the time and I think it is still hard for him and my 5 year old. They were use to being a part of something physical that they could see with their eyes and participate in with their hands.
I totally understand. I've been through some of the same. I tell them that you can do it like this or you can do it like that, it will have the same end result...that is it must benefit others and themselves. Conflicts arise at times due to differences they see in other people practising different ways and one needs to clarify that it's left open for people to think which way suits them best and that it's not cut and dried. Eventually of course they will make their own minds and that's when more discussion would be beneficial. Age is paramount to take into consideration and not confuse the children too much. Keeping things simple and sweet.

So much has changed in the past 3 years. We are pretty isolated and that's not always a good thing. When we were sunni, we were active in the mosque. We did dinners, field trips, talks, schooling and such. They had lots of other children like them to play and identify with and now no one except us.
Same end result with us but due to different reasons. In a foreign country where you don't know anyone except maybe one or two people. The isolation can be due to entirely different reasons, and dealing with it is hard. To me, if thats the way it is, makes the family more interdependent. Growing up personally my family was quite small and kept to themselves, so maybe that's why I don't see it as too much of a big deal.

I'm currently trying to come up with a strategy to give them a sense of purpose. To help them learn and understand how we as believers should be more active in the community. To do what God wants us to and not be selfish. Where we live there are alot of churches who always have event going on like fund raisers and cleaning up the community. Just last week, an old friend from a mosque that we use to attend said they were starting an organic garden. She was asking if we were interested in participating. She said that the "muslim community" needs to show their presense in the surrounding communities. They need to show that they care and are apart of a wholesome community life. And eventhough we are greatly different in our veiws and belief, I was thinking about participating in the garden efforts. I am not satisfied with living this hermit life anymore and worry that all this islolation will end up hurting the children, but at the same time I don't want them to get confused and think we have gone back to that way.
Absolutely. They must know the importance of volunteering and being active and trying to set wrongs right. Depending on circumstances, there are plenty of ways to do that. Believe me, kids tend not to think about religion when they are out and about, preferably not fishing for trout but you know...they have too much fun playing and doing other things than think about religion of all things. When I was a kid, there were people all around me who believed in things and did things a certain way but in my mind I knew that something was logically off. That persisted and I hope we can give our kids the same benefit of the doubt and really discuss with them when the time is right. If you have the opportunity and/or know of people around you who you can visit with your kids and they can play with their kids...by all means take the opportunity. Yet, keep talking and communicating with them and instilling the basics as best you can. They will be the better for it God willing. Best of luck, I wish I lived near you guys, but as it is Kuwait is a long way away from anyone I know.

unknownuser

Peace shirley. I have been through your predicament in the past...I dont feel its always healthy for us to isolate ourselves from others,because of differences in theoretical beliefs...I myself want my children to help/contribute to all humanity/society...
How will our children learn to interact with other cultures and belief systems, if we isolate them,and ourselves?...I do agree we have to protect them from 'unhealthy influences',but keeping them away from society, i personally dont think is helpful...Children can harbour resentment if we 'unnecessarily' closet them away from the world...
Helping people transcends religious beliefs....Im sure you would encourage your children to feed the poor,and be polite to people,regardless if those poor people were christian,sunni or even atheist...
I find the most important things to teach my children religion-wise,is to be practically moral,responsible and compassionate...And also,to use ones mind to continually learn about the world...
It think you could also cause distress to yourself if you live a hermit like life-style...
My advise would be to accompany your children to the community garden project...I think your children may have fun there,and you could probably enjoy it too...I am always telling my wife to go out either with the kids,or by herself,so they can have fun,and increase their personal development....How are we and our children going to contribute to the worlds spiritual,physical,intellectual and moral develpoment sitting at home,or isolating ourselves?
Peace all.ps; you make a lot of great observations in your post,especially with regard to enjoying and respecting our children,and on our children being the future 'adults' of the world...
PPs; i will try to post more ideas as they come to me,this is a very,very important topic....
I take it you are damons' wife?
PPs; Another great post savage carrot... bravo My god,if we agree three times,im going to sit down,and take my temperature... yay

Shirley

Peace to you Enquirer and Savage Carrot,

Thank you for all your support and advice. I've been looking at myself lately and see the need for improvement in so many areas of our life. It's hard to deal with somedays, but you manage to get by.

We are not totally isolated if you count that I have friends that I've known for years. And in general they are good people, so I take the children over to their houses to play. Most of the time we are in the home and that is what gets to me.

I'm a very social person to some degree and so I want our children to be the same. It gives them confidents in themselves. How can they speak out about injustice in the future if they aren't comfortable communicate in small groups?
Well that's just my thoughts on that.

I am thinking strongly about the garden project. It can give us something to do together as a family.
And it can make them feel good to know the veggies that they plant will feed hungry people.

And yes Enquirer, I am married to Damon.

Thank you all,

shirley

unknownuser

Peace shirley and all. I am glad you are 'self-reflecting'...This is something we all need to do. (is this salat?) I feel your post is very heartening...
I wish you,damon,and your children practical peace in your efforts...
I think we can all try to relax and enjoy our lives with our children, and respect our childrens views and needs,...as well as giving them discipline and love...
Peace all; ps; i think organising/co-ordinating our schedules,relaxation time,and chores,can help to alleviate stressful situations... yay )

Shirley

Peace Enquirer,

Thank You! sun bravo

shirley

zenje

I'm a very social person to some degree and so I want our children to be the same. It gives them confidents in themselves. How can they speak out about injustice in the future if they aren't comfortable communicate in small groups?
I'm not a social person myself, and I realize the disadvantage that is on my kids, as you mentioned, it does give them better confidence in dealing with others. I just wanted to say though, that in terms of them speaking on injustices, don't worry about that... put your trust in God, as Moses did.

Peace )

Chapter 20

?Go to Pharaoh, for he has transgressed.?
He said ?My Lord, relieve for me my chest.?
?And make my mission easy.?
?And remove the knot in my tongue.?
?So they can understand what I say.?
?And allow for me an advisor from my family.?
?Aaron, my brother.?
?So that I may strengthen my resolve through him.?
?And share with him my mission.?
?So that we may glorify You plenty.?
?And remember You plenty.?
?You Have been watcher over us.?
He said ?You have been given what you asked O Moses.?

Shirley

Peace to you all,

Zenji, you are right about putting trust in God. Thanks for those verses to reflect on.

Peace,

shirley