Telling people about your religion
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Hi, Im writing this post because I hope there is someone out there who can offer some insight into my problem. I met a portuguese boy about a year and a half ago. We fell madly in love, and during the time we met, he was considering becoming a Jew, or leaving the church because he didnt believe in the concept. We met, and a more learned friend of mine introduced him to the concept of Islam and he decided to convert. We had a Nikkah, though it was secret and only my mother and the other two witnesses knew. My father knows about him, he comes over to my house for dinner all the time and its like he is part of the family because we have decided to get married to each other anyway, in my fathers eyes he is like a fiance. Obviously, since we have ahad the nikkah, we have been having relations like a husband and a wife.
The problem I am faced with today, is that after a year and a half of being together, and also of wanting him to tell people that he has converted to Islam, he now says that he is not sure if he ever wants to tell people he is a muslim, and if he decided to, he will choose when to do it and who to tell. His mother and father know that he is a muslim.
I am faced with having to leave a man I love with every fiber of my being and I cant imagine a life without him. But I feel as though I cant raise children with this man, with that being their role model. I cant ask my children to pretend to the world that he isnt a muslim.
I ask him for his reasons for not telling people and he says that it is because its a personal matter to him. Yet, I dont understand why he so vehemently keeps it a secret from all his 'white' friends. He doesnt have a problem telling asian people who are muslim too, he only keeps it a secret from other non-muslim people. When asked about this he says he just wants to talk to other muslims about their outlook on Islam.
It may also be worth mentioning that we only believe in God and the Quran.
This morning I was in such emotional turmoil that I asked him to divorce me and he did. It proves to me that he will never change his mind about telling people, and I feel hed rather loose me than tell others he is a Muslim. I feel as though he is ashamed of his religion. I know there is a reconciliation period, but I cant suffer from being hopeful again only to find out that the hope is ruined. Which is another problem that has been afflicting our relationship.
Is this love worth staying with him for, because we are great together. Is it worth staying with him despite the fact that he may never tell people? Does anyone think its right to do this? Can anyone relate to him or understand him? Any insight or advice would be much appreciated. Particularly, Islamically speaking, is there anything in the Quran that suggests that people must know about your religion? Or anything relating to this matter?
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Hi Aalya,
Sorry to be dissapointing but he sounds as though he is a good man.
what more do you want him to be?
belonging to a cult! well that is where you and a lot of others are wrong actual practical good person is miles better then a simple label.
God Bless All of us.
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peace aallya,
I think he may not want to tell non-Muslims that he is a muslim is to do with the current negative image of Muslims in the news/West. So I can at least understand why he may not wish to.
I agree that having kids would probably complicate things if he is still not ready to tell others. Children cant be expected to keep secrets etc.
Do his non-Muslim friends know that he is engaged to you, i.e. a muslim? If so, what is their reaction? If it is ok, I dont see how him telling them that he too is a muslim would be so bad. All I can think/assume is that they dont know or the reaction was negative?
This morning I was in such emotional turmoil that I asked him to divorce me and he did.
I was surprised and a little worried by this response from him. Of course it depends on how bad the argument was as some men do not react well to emotion so he may have said it in the heat of the moment/argument. I would give him some time to think over this and explain why the situation upsets you, e.g. "It proves to me that he will never change his mind about telling people, and I feel hed rather loose me than tell others he is a Muslim. I feel as though he is ashamed of his religion." and see what he says. Keep the communication channels open.
Particularly, Islamically speaking, is there anything in the Quran that suggests that people must know about your religion?
As far as I'm aware, it is a personal thing between you and God. Of couse, in situations where it would come up, one should not deny it, unless it would result in harm in some way.
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Peace,
There is absolutely no reason to leave someone based on such an emotional argument. It's not justified in the least. Think of his conditions, maybe he doesn't like the negative image Islam has currently? It's up to him whether to come forward and fear God alone, and you divorcing will do absolutely nothing.
Again, don't kill a family for such triviality.
I cant ask my children to pretend to the world that he isnt a muslim.
Leave them be? Maybe God will make a way for you )
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Peace ,
I replied first in another thread but I post here too in case that this thread is the chosen one!?
Salam dear Sister aallya,
Please sister, I hope you will take him back.
I'm also a revert to islam and even if I didn't hide my belief I can understand him.
I think he need more time and be more warm in his clothes in the matter of Islam.
Many non muslims today feel that Islam is some kind of threat to the world and associate it with terrorism and that is of course so wrong and sad.
You should be glad that he has told his relatives atleast and I can understand his thoughts that his beliefs is private and not of anyones business.
You love him dearly and many on this forum are struggling to find a soulmate and you have your soulmate and he is a revert to islam, wow, come on sister you are doing a big mistake and you will regret it.
I beg you to take him back
Hugs Maria
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It does seem that most people in the west have a negative view of Islam, just the other day my father would rather I be an Athiest than a Muslim. Even the mention of Islam/Christianity/this website to him starts a debate.
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Sis aallya,
As many others, I request that you stop this divorce before it is permanent. Have you explained to your husband in detail how you feel... not in an emotional way, but in a calm rational way? Many men prefer to think about things for a while and then talk about them.
My husband and I live in a small town in a midwestern state of the US (for the last 3 years). I am american and he is pakistani. We have actually had a lot of acceptance and respect from non-muslims, thanks God. There have been people who were skeptical when we first moved here, but after they got to know us, they treated us just like any other. We have been included in all the neighborhood get-togethers, kids birthday parties, family functions, etc.
We've had to answer our fair share of questions, but we have taken that as an opportunity to educate others. I actually had a neighbor's wife tell me that her husband was very prejudice against islam until he met my husband. Others at my husband's work would make negative jokes, but that changed and he received apologies from them.
I do realize that not everyone has been accepted like this, but then again, we can't be the only ones.
God has a way of making things work out, even when we are feeling hopeless. Remember sister, no matter how desperate a situation seems... We must always put our trust in God... Never forget that God controls all things... even our laughing and our crying.
I pray all works out with you and your husband. Don't worry about things that may never happen. No one knows for sure what tomorrow brings. Maybe your husband will change his mind, and if not, it's no biggie. Don't throw your marriage away because he's not shouting on the rooftops that he is a muslim.
dotty
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thanks everyone for all the advice. when he divorced me he really didnt want to. after reading all your posts i spoke to him and realised how irrational i was being. unfortunately i have pushed him too far and he doesnt want to be with me anymore. i guess first it was me and now it was him. the difference was i never really wanted it. its all over. im a mess. ill never recover. i guess i came to you to late, i should have done this before creating the mess i had. my irrationality has cost me the love of my life. right now i cant even eat, the thought makes me nauseated. my mother spoke to him and told him that he and i are not allowed to talk for 4 weeks. so he can have some time to think it over, and then she would call him back to talk about it. i doubt hell change his mind. hes resolute. i feel like ive been plunged in to a world of blackness and despair. i guess now all i really have is god and my parents. but once again, thanks for all the advice, it almost adds to the pain because i know it was my mistake.
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Teach him about the Quran.
You are required to wait some 4 months, then the divorce is finalized. Just make him see sense, to divorce on something so trivial, come on.
my mother spoke to him and told him that he and i are not allowed to talk for 4 weeks.
Not good advice, and it doesn't have Quranic basis.
http//free-minds.org/women/divorce.htm
Read that. Of note
"If a woman fears separation or desertion from her husband, the couple shall try to reconcile their differences, for conciliation is best for them. Selfishness is a human trait, and if you do good and lead a righteous life, GOD is fully Cognizant of everything you do." (4/12
That's your task now.
Also
Tips from the Quran
In helping a couple to stay together to promote strong family bonds, the Quran gives a few suggestions for those who wish to take heed.
Tip# 1 (Anticipate Events)
"If a woman fears separation or desertion from her husband, the couple shall try to reconcile their differences, for conciliation is best for them. Selfishness is a human trait, and if you do good and lead a righteous life, GOD is fully Cognizant of everything you do." (4/12
A couple must do what is in their power to stop problems from getting out of hand. To do this there must be sacrifice and a lack of selfishness on behalf of both parties.
Tip# 2 (Try Various Methods BEFORE Divorce)
"The men are made responsible for the women by what GOD has preferred them over each other and for what they have spent of their monies. The righteous women will accept this arrangement, since it is GOD's commandment, and honor their husbands during their absence. And for those whom you fear separation, you shall 1) try and talk to them, 2) abstain from the bed room, 3) separate from them. If they obey you, you are not permitted to transgress against them. GOD is Most High, Supreme." (4/34)
Tip # 3 (Involve the Family)
"If you still fear a separation between them, you shall appoint an arbitrator from his family and an arbitrator from her family; if they wish to reconcile, GOD will help them. GOD is Omniscient, Cognizant." (4/35)
Tip # 4 (Do NOT Let People Give You Bad Advise)
"And if you divorce the women, once they fulfill their interim, do not advise them against remarrying their husbands if they have reconciled amicably. This shall be heeded by those among you who believe in GOD and the Last Day. This is purer for you, and more righteous. GOD knows, while you do not know." (2/232)
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I want to wear a T-shirt that says "I am Muslim" and walk around everywhere yay
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I want to wear a T-shirt that says "I am Muslim" and walk around everywhere yay
That T-shirt is your character and how you act towards others )
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That T-shirt is your character and how you act towards others
Absolutely OPF ... that's why I said it ... when people see what I am like why wouldn't they want to be Muslim? bravo
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Absolutely OPF ... that's why I said it ... when people see what I am like why wouldn't they want to be Muslim? bravo
Oh, now I understand what you're getting at. Yes, combining the two is good, it'll also ease the image of Islam in the west, and maybe even bring Quran alone to light (how many of us are in Eastern countries, anyway? I.e. Middle East, Asia, Africa)
I wonder if they've settled the original issue. hmm
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it'll also ease the image of Islam in the west, and maybe even bring Quran alone to light
I'm in Australia ... I can go around and say that I'm Muslim. If they ask me about people like Bin Laden I will say "they're not Muslim .. they're Sunnis, Shias, Sufis, Wahabis, whatever they are !!! but they're not Muslims!" .. then I'd say "do you know what a real Muslim is?" sun
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I'm in Australia ... I can go around and say that I'm Muslim. If they ask me about people like Bin Laden I will say "they're not Muslim .. they're Sunnis, Shias, Sufis, Wahabis, whatever they are !!! but they're not Muslims!" .. then I'd say "do you know what a real Muslim is?" sun
I thought in Australia there is quite big prejudice against Islam due to stupid stuff done by Muslims there like Hilali and some Lebanese youth.
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thanks everyone for all the advice. when he divorced me he really didnt want to. after reading all your posts i spoke to him and realised how irrational i was being. unfortunately i have pushed him too far and he doesnt want to be with me anymore. i guess first it was me and now it was him. the difference was i never really wanted it. its all over. im a mess. ill never recover. i guess i came to you to late, i should have done this before creating the mess i had. my irrationality has cost me the love of my life. right now i cant even eat, the thought makes me nauseated. my mother spoke to him and told him that he and i are not allowed to talk for 4 weeks. so he can have some time to think it over, and then she would call him back to talk about it. i doubt hell change his mind. hes resolute. i feel like ive been plunged in to a world of blackness and despair. i guess now all i really have is god and my parents. but once again, thanks for all the advice, it almost adds to the pain because i know it was my mistake.
I wouldn't be so hard on yourself. For him to be willing to divorce over such an issue, does suggest the issue was important to him and he would have had to face up to it sometime.
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Peace aallya,
Don?t be too hard on yourself. It is not at all unreasonable that you question why he would not wish to tell his ?white? friends about being a Muslim. Someone who is convinced of their beliefs is not afraid to say so to others. If we look at the example of the prophets, they were persecuted, driven from their homes, and even killed for speaking the truth of their beliefs. The fact that you had ?warning bells? going off in your head is normal.
You should proceed with the guidance given in the Quran regarding divorce, and you should try to reconcile, if possible. You should speak with your husband seriously and calmly about his reasons of why he doesn?t want to tell his ?white? friends that he is a Muslim. It may be that he has many unanswered questions about Islam or the Quran that need to be resolved in his mind, and he is not fully convinced in his beliefs. As per the quran, at this stage, it may be wise to involve arbiters from his family and from yours to discuss this issue. He should have the courage and the honesty to tell you exactly why he does not want to tell others about being a Muslim.
peace
p.s. I am not sure if it is acceptable to have had the nikkah without telling your father, since I assume that he is still your provider, and you have not moved out of his home yet.
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thanks everyone for all the advice. when he divorced me he really didnt want to. after reading all your posts i spoke to him and realised how irrational i was being. unfortunately i have pushed him too far and he doesnt want to be with me anymore. i guess first it was me and now it was him. the difference was i never really wanted it. its all over. im a mess. ill never recover. i guess i came to you to late, i should have done this before creating the mess i had. my irrationality has cost me the love of my life. right now i cant even eat, the thought makes me nauseated. my mother spoke to him and told him that he and i are not allowed to talk for 4 weeks. so he can have some time to think it over, and then she would call him back to talk about it. i doubt hell change his mind. hes resolute. i feel like ive been plunged in to a world of blackness and despair. i guess now all i really have is god and my parents. but once again, thanks for all the advice, it almost adds to the pain because i know it was my mistake.
Dear aallya,I'm sure you've learnt and experienced the lessons taught to you by your failures and hope this shall strenghten your endeavor the next time you fall in love, as you grow with better knowledge, understanding and wisdom. Never cry over spilt milk. Life is not worth visioning through colored filters. ) Take care and peace!
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Salaam aallya
I hope it is not too late and I am sorry for this sad end. Yet there are lessons to learn from our mistakes. You blamed him for not telling people about his new religion, and "being ashamed" to tell his "white friends"; yet you too feared "your" people, otherwise, why didn't you declare your marriage? I also doubt that you tell other sunnis that you are a quraan aloner and that you reject haddeth. The lesson is we should stop blaming people before "looking into the mirror".
