Why do they want me to divorce my wife?
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Peace
savage_carrot Its been the hardest thing in the world allowing my in laws to dress him up like them and the poor thing singing 'noor wala aya hai' with no mention of teaching him any of the Glorious Names of God. The problem I have is ensuring that my wife is not swayed by their beliefs. Which she is. She never used to pray 5 times a day and only recently she has started. Which is fine. It is difficult not to offend her family. I do not intend to offend, but it seems my very existence offends them.
Peace, Darcus.
May i understand why it has been hard for you to see your son dressed like them and act like them?
Katara
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Peace darcus,
I am sure I am simplifying the situation but if you show the quranic evidence to your wife and let her decide for herself, despite her knowing a lifetime of traditions, everything will turn out for the best. May God guide us all. Peace to you and yours, darcus.
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Peace D,
Imo, you are asking and expecting too much too soon of your wife. To her, your unfamiliar beliefs have pushed her into a very difficult place where she must choose between you and her family. In a closed community such as hers, if I were your wife, I would choose my family. Because if, God forbids, you two have to separate, who else other than her family would shelter her?
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Peace all
Katara Its hard because I can see them starting the indoctrination early. He is only 2 years old. Dressing up like that makes them happy, it would be fine, except when they get him in that garb, its all about good an Attari he will be when ge grows. They start deciding things like that for him. Also it has something to do with my lack of control over what they do. If I had the support of my wife it would be much easier and he wouldnt be dressing up like that.
Navid I have tried to do that, but she always says to me that she's not interested. She is happy with what she has. She sees how her family look at me and she doesnt want to be viewed in that same way.
TAJ I have been married to my wife for just over 6 years. I have been as gentle as possible and have never forced her to believe what I believe. At the end of the day, if her family just stayed out of this - everything would be fine.
I had a conversation with my father in law this morning saying that he has no problem with me any more and its not important that I get together with them. He just wanted to make sure my father had spoken to me about it. I will still however be persuing this with them on Saturday as it has to be endlined and I have to draw a line which they cannot cross. Divorce will not happen as my wife doesnt want that and will not stand for it.
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Darcus,
My brother and I had been indoctrinated since age seven. We had to attend religion class, and even my mum and relatives trained us to practice sunnism. Within 17 years of school, "muslim" students cannot escape religion classes, we have to wear the veil.. But then my parents accepted the teachings in the quran and then my mum's side opposed. They even sent us to see an ustaz.
Do you see where i'm going with this...?
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I asked ealier why is it hard for you to see him dress and act like them, is because.. perhaps knowing the reason behind your stress can be the first step in achieving inner peace, and perhaps, peace with your in-laws.
I humbly think that it would be a valueble experience for your son if he experience AND UNDERSTAND both sides... islam and culture (i.e, your relative's practices).
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Peace all
TAJ I think you now understand why I am frustrated by this situation...
Katara I see where you are going with this. History repeats itself over and again. The situation with him experiencing both sides is that he is unable to. At the moment, he is two years old. The capacity to understand is severely limited. He also has a slight learning difficulty which reduces his ability to understand. I am sure that you can see, my ideology has nothing in it whereby the ritual is more important than what I intend to achieve. The way I perform salat, constantly changes. The basic method is the same, but there can be serious differences depending upon how I feel.
With what they do, it is more important that the exact colour of the turban is determined. The outward aspects (which are easier to implement) are always focussed on, the message, the core of what needs to be achieved is totally lost. I know he is not responsible for his actions because of his age, but this indoctrination starts early. Also, there is one of me and many of them. If you are a child, you are more likely to believe in the fantastical as opposed to the 'boring' reality around you. I have my son with me when I pray, when I perform solat, when I read quran. There are no other 'rituals' in my life...
I think it is naive to think that he can make the choice on his own at his age. When he is older and able to comprehend what it all means - then yes. I will work with him. But I would much rather let him be a child whilst he still can.
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Yes, Darcus, i agree with you that he is certainly too young to understand and too young to make a choice.
And, look at me, look at others around you, especially those at this forum... It is God who guides, and make astray whoever He wills. There'll come a time when he's ready to understand or listen, that's when you try to open his mind. For now, let him be, and trust in God.
Your son, imho, seems to be a person who links you and your in-laws together... and he is also as a person that both parties try to gain control of. A tug of war of ego. Like you said, he is too young to understand, so how can he be indoctrinated (be taught of their practices and belief) ?
It is God who guides and make astray. Trust in God.
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Peace, good to know you've found a temporary resolution. So what happens next? People don't seem to take the quran seriously in my experience; are your family swayed at all by what they read?
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Peace
Katara In regards to indoctrination, the things we do regularly whether we are aware of what we do or not, becomes habit. Habits force a type behaviour, so when you break out of that habit, you feel uncomfortable and yearn to return to that same habit. I agree, I trust in God totally, He will ensure that those that are able to be guided are guided.
OPF My own family actually accepts my belief and the gentle way is the best way. Force rarely works. God willing they will be guided and learn the quran. At least they are all now reading it with the explanation and learning to look to it for answers rather than asking some beardy. At least my sisters and brothers are asking more questions now, they hate it sometimes when I keep referring them back to the Quran and telling them to verify things for themselves is a totally new concept for them. But at least its moving forward in some respects.
TAJ Yes, my wife is too weak to stand up to them for meddling in our marriage. Its all about what is easy. She has seen how people can react to me and my beliefs, she doesnt wish to bother with that 'pain'. I have to have a confrontation with my inlaws not about my beliefs but more about them keeping their noses out of my relationship. It is no one elses business unless I make it their business by asking for help. I know my wife hasnt asked them, they have taken it upon themselves.
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Peace Darcus,
You trusting in God in this and for all situations is of course the best path to take. It sounds as if your wife is at least supportive of you talking to your in-laws in asking them to stop meddling in your marriage. Is this the case? I'm sure you realize they may not abide by this right away and the first chance they have to talk with your wife alone they may be up to their old tricks in trying to influence her. Just keep the lines of communication open between you and wife as much as possible. When talking to your in-laws, as hard as it may be.... do as God says and deal with them in 'the nicest possible manner'.
May God continue to guide you and your families.
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Peace D,
I think that your wife's passiveness is what is frustrating here and not your in-laws. If she is not willing to play an active role in her marriage then your frustration will definitely remain if not over this issue then over other issues, unless of course you become like her, because I don't think she can change her attitude, or can she?
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Peace all
i believe Trusting in God is the only path to take. Whatever the outcome it will always be the best if He decides. I agree my wife can be totally unsupportive when it comes to nonsense emanating from her family. The issue of them talking to her when I am not around is always evident when she has a new idea about something like getting a house or me giving her pocket money even though she knows our financial situation. I usually have to put her mindset right after one of those chats. She always wonders how I can be gentle about things. Its the best option. Gentle coercion works a treat. My in-laws have no other complaint about me as a son in law, just that I wont be a Barelwi like them.
TAJ My wife's passiveness towards her family is understandable to a certain degree, but its the believing of every word that comes out of her brother's mouth without verifying it that I find frustrating. He said our marriage is null and void so it must be. Not even a question like how did you come to that conclusion brother?
I had a nice chat with my dad and older brother. They are Barelwis, my brother follows a pir to the letter, even tries to talk like him. They keep trying to equate my beliefs with not believing in the rasool. Its difficult sometimes trying to counter these illogical things with logical reasoning. My family is cottoning on to the idea of using the quran as primary source. A comrade on this site sent me a link to Mohammed Shaikh of IIPC, interesting lectures, plus he has them in Urdu, so my family can understand it easily. I'm evaluating his stance though to make sure it all makes sense. very interesting stuff though.