Sal?mun ?Alaykum
Wa alaykum salaam,
The problem I am having is with the parents of my girlfriend. They live in Malaysia and are very devout Sunni Muslims. She chose to keep me a secret from her parents this entire time. Her mother came to the US for a 2 month trip 3 weeks ago. My girlfriend decided to tell mom about me and about our desire to Marry and mom became very upset...almost psychotic, screaming and throwing things. I did not expect mom to react so unreasonably. She refused to meet me and forbade my girlfriend to see me which my girlfriend is complying with.
That last sentence right there. That is what I am most concerned with. That entire paragraph screams red flags.
First. Let me start by saying that I sincerely hope you have both discussed marriage at length, and talked through all the challenges and potential problems.
Second. Keeping you a secret from her parents is an issue, especially since it may easily come across to others that she's hiding something, she's codependent, she's ashamed of you, she's too worried about what other people will think, etc, etc. It can come across in a lot of different ways. You can probably bet on not having "the most wonderful in-laws in the world", at least not initially. Secrecy is never without reason. But if that was a deal breaker for you, I'm sure you would have left a long time ago.
Of course the secrecy also has a huge effect on you. If a person can't understand something, the parents couldn't know sooner, and the situation draws out longer... it can lead to resentment, pain, or at the least frustration. That's not easy to deal with. I hope you're looking out for yourself in all of this, and thinking about what you want from a relationship, and if your families/cultures/backgrounds/lifestyles/etc. are truly compatible. Do you want this?
Not to mention that you don't know who your girlfriend is within her family dynamic. Maybe that's for good reason, maybe it's not. Maybe it's important, maybe it's not. But the point is, you have missed, and continue to miss, a part of who she is -- where she comes from, her culture, her language, her religion, her familial traditions, her family's thoughts and expectations of you, your girlfriends' expectations of you based on the values and beliefs that she grew up on, her interactions with her family, etc. All these visual and behavioral cues can tell a lot about a person in the moment -- things they may not be able to just tell you. Another's words cannot do justice to first-hand experiences.
Anyways.
Third. IMO, here's the main issue. Your girlfriend is 27, living in a different country with a separate life from her parents, and she'll simply obey them just like that? Did she fight that request? Was it even a request? Are you okay with this?
When you marry, and you become her family as well... What's going to happen? Is she going to stand up for you? Is she going to stand up for your relationship? Is she still going to marry you if her parents suddenly decide to change their minds and don't give their blessings? What happens then? Despite being in her late 20s and living (what sounds like) a completely separate life, she's proven with that action that she may very well do anything her parents asked of her. To me, that is a very scary thought.
Fourth. "Screaming and throwing things" is NOT a healthy way to deal with your emotions. I don't care who you are or what the situation is. This is not a stranger we're talking about here. This is your potential future mother-in-law. This is a grown woman, who resorts to raising her voice and acts of physical violence because she's upset about a decision her adult daughter has made. That behavior is dangerous and extremely frightening. It is in no way justifiable. She continues by "forbidding" your girlfriend from seeing you. What? Normal people don't do that. They don't try to control others. A relationship where one person is in emotional or physical control of another is not a relationship. It's abuse.
Is this behavior a regular occurrence? Even if you don't see her often, do you want a mother-in-law who is like this? How about being around your children (if you both want children, that is), watching them and teaching them when you come visit, or when they visit you?
Speaking for myself, based off of what you said here, I would absolutely NOT trust a violent person like that to be around my child. I would not want to see anyone I love be around a person like that either.
Then he began to talk about Islam but I was very unfamiliar with what he was talking about because the religion he practices appears to be Hadith based not Quran based. I am doubtful that this devout man has even ever read the Quran. Our call ended very pleasant though.
I'm surprised that you're not sure how to begin. Your girlfriend identifies as Sunni, you've been with her for a few years, and you've had what sounds like many conversations about Islam. How were you very unfamiliar with what he was talking about? Has your girlfriend never spoken about what she and her family practices and believes?
On if he's ever read the Qur'an... You said he's devout, so I'm sure he has. You both just interpret the book differently. If you want peace and their blessing, don't bring this up.
Later I spoke with my girlfriend who told me she had spoken to her father and he really likes me and wants to meet me. His only concern is that before we can marry I would need to convert to Islam because I am not a real Muslim. I suppose for the sake of getting the approval to marry the woman I love I could Fake convert to Sunni. I do not want to because it seems so wrong. I mean I am Muslim, I just don't believe the same thing that they believe. If I was to fake convert, I don't even know where I would begin?
To convert, you would just say the Shahada in Arabic. Since they're skeptical of you, my guess is they'll want you to do it publicly with the imam present, and they'll want you to get married ASAP. I'm sure they'll expect you to start praying 5 times a day, learn Arabic to pray and read the Qur'an or Arabic Qur'an with tafsir, go to the masjid for Friday prayer, fast during Ramadan, fulfill the husband's Islamic duties (such as guiding your wife and children in the religion)... things like that. They'll expect you to be a practicing Sunni Muslim. They may want to guide you themselves or find a teacher to help you, who knows.
Concerning religion, the way I see it, the most important aspect is how your girlfriend feels. If she's okay with you practicing and believing in Islam as you see it, and she's willing to stand up for you, then that's what matters. The only two people living your lives and spending them with each other is you and her. However, you're going to have major problems if she's not willing to stand up for you. She will need to if her parents are going to be an influential source in your lives. You both need to decide if you can do it.
Having said that, you also have to decide if you're going to "pretend" to be Sunni before the wedding, or when you're with her parents. This may be something she wants or not. It could make your lives easier, or not.
