I want to marry
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I think a better word would be "realistic" which it is okay to be picky but be realistic.
I know a brother who wants an American revert, who is not too young, not too old, no kids, medium built and height, long hair, does not work, who can cook egyptian style meals, and knows what to do in the bedroom, yet since being muslim guards her modesty... WTH is all I can say.
Needless to say, he is still single at age 39 and still looking.
rotfl
I cannot help but to think of the very common best-wife-in-the-world description. 1 meter tall, flat head and no teeth..............No, don't ask me to explain why.
I am not much help on this subject because I have been blessed with a wife that I truly love with all my heart and she happens to be extremely beautiful as well. But I never asked or prayed I would meet such a woman. In fact Allah was not in my life at all. Actually counting all the bad things I have done I deserved to live alone in misery with no love in my life until the day I die......so asking Him for anything is just a complete waste of time. Allah does what Allah wants, we cannot change His way just by saying please. Furthermore, and please correct me if I am wrong, is there anywhere in the Quran where it stipulates that we will receive what we pray for? Or that we will be rewarded in this life for our good deeds? Taking myself as an example it seems to be the contrary, the more lying, drinking and fornicating you do the bigger reward you will receive.....maybe Allah sent her to me to save me, I don't know, all I know was that I never asked God to give me a good wife and I certainly did not do anything to deserve her.
I don't know how arab, sunni or egyptian men are like. But I hear Russian women are not very keen on marrying Russian men because of the enormous amounts of vodka, so I understand where Confused is coming from. But don't close the door entirely. Learn from my experience, a black muslim girl was the last girl I ever thought would be the one for me. Boy, I was so wrong.
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I think we can't simple pigeon hole a whole group of people based on some of our life observations. i guess we're judgmental in a way
if you can have a relationship a friendship and understand each others wants, expectations then there is no reason why either couple needs to live up to social expectations e.g money = happiness.
the grass might look greener on the other side but what we see isn't always what it is. If you have good communication mutual (similar) understandings it's not a biggie.
afaik in arab culture it's "3ayb" (rude/disrespectful) to be cuddly and all affectionate in public although different environments its acceptable e.g. airport goodbyes etc. i've seen it.
if you're in the culture and you have an understanding thats different to the norm of that culture, than possible someone else in the same culture thinks similar. although having preferences of other/different is fine.
I agree with Emil don't close doors just keep them open be more particular if you must. you never know what might come past
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rotfl
I cannot help but to think of the very common best-wife-in-the-world description. 1 meter tall, flat head and no teeth..............No, don't ask me to explain why.
I am not much help on this subject because I have been blessed with a wife that I truly love with all my heart and she happens to be extremely beautiful as well. But I never asked or prayed I would meet such a woman. In fact Allah was not in my life at all. Actually counting all the bad things I have done I deserved to live alone in misery with no love in my life until the day I die......so asking Him for anything is just a complete waste of time. Allah does what Allah wants, we cannot change His way just by saying please. Furthermore, and please correct me if I am wrong, is there anywhere in the Quran where it stipulates that we will receive what we pray for? Or that we will be rewarded in this life for our good deeds? Taking myself as an example it seems to be the contrary, the more lying, drinking and fornicating you do the bigger reward you will receive.....maybe Allah sent her to me to save me, I don't know, all I know was that I never asked God to give me a good wife and I certainly did not do anything to deserve her.
I don't know how arab, sunni or egyptian men are like. But I hear Russian women are not very keen on marrying Russian men because of the enormous amounts of vodka, so I understand where Confused is coming from. But don't close the door entirely. Learn from my experience, a black muslim girl was the last girl I ever thought would be the one for me. Boy, I was so wrong.
Seriously Emil maybe I can just stop being such a goody two shoes since being a good person doesn't work. Honestly today I was at a friend's party and they offered me alcohol and for the first time in my life I hesitated. I was thinking, why don't I just drink and do whatever I like. What did I get from being so righteous about everything?
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Seriously Emil maybe I can just stop being such a goody two shoes since being a good person doesn't work. Honestly today I was at a friend's party and they offered me alcohol and for the first time in my life I hesitated. I was thinking, why don't I just drink and do whatever I like. What did I get from being so righteous about everything?
So did you drink? P
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No
Thats good. If you're hesitant , it always best to stay away.
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Greetings and Peace, all group
@Confused Ask ALLAH for what is best for you; you won't lose if you do this. If you limit yourself to muslims who follow the Qur'an alone (or exclude any ethnic background), you indeed limit yourself significantly. Monotheism is the key--not any so-called religion. If 99% are not suitable, don't automatically exclude the 1% that is good!!!
There are probably more men with your beliefs seeking a spouse than the other way around. The internet should really help you find a suitable spouse. Protect your privacy and be safe--but use what is available for you. Don't marry anybody who is "indifferent" to your beliefs. Their spirituality may awaken and place themselves in opposition to your system.
At a party, whether alcohol is involved or not, it is better for your safety to not accept already opened drinks. Sometimes, people will put things in them (GHB or Rohypnol, for instance) in order to drug you. It happens more often than you might think.
My wife is a monotheistic Christian; we get along fine (now).
May ALLAH see fit to Guide all seekers.
peace
~Abdul-Hadi
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Confused,
one thing satan does and does best is whispering in your ears "see look at you... being all good and nice, and what do you get? and look at so and so, she gets everything. the good husband, the children - she's got it all, the good life...." ok, this is where you tell satan "SHUT UP... I am happy with what I have". I may not have this. I may not have that. but I have God. So, tell satan to get lost and not waste time with you.
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Seriously Emil maybe I can just stop being such a goody two shoes since being a good person doesn't work. Honestly today I was at a friend's party and they offered me alcohol and for the first time in my life I hesitated. I was thinking, why don't I just drink and do whatever I like. What did I get from being so righteous about everything?
LOL! you got a little devil sitting on your shoulder?
You are entirely right, being a good person doesn't "work", not until judgement day at least. Our God does not reward you, if that was true a poor person would become rich just by being righteous, and we know that is not happening because the most righteous people are poor. The only reward we get is to feel happy about the situation we are given, but that comes from finding peace within ourselves and not Allah throwing us a bone.
Allah does not punish us either. Some muslims think He does but I cannot find anywhere in the Quran where Allah will individually punish us here on earth..I remember my sister who is paralyzed waist down telling me about this muslim man saying to her that she must have done something terrible for Allah to punish her like that. LOL!I think you should have that drink.......If you feel righteousness equals abstinence, then you need to explore if this is true. Maybe you will find out that righteousness is much more complicated than just staying away from haram....... Anybody telling you not to do it.......well that is like a rich man telling a poor man that money will not bring happiness. The poor man will never accept this as true until he experiences it himself.
Righteousness does not consist in whether you turn your faces towards the east or the west; what is righteous is to believe in God and the last day, and the angels, and the Book, and the messengers; to spend of your substance, out of love for Him, for your kin, for orphans, for the needy, for the wayfarer, for those who ask, and for the ransom of slaves; to be steadfast in prayer, and practise regular charity; to fulfil the contracts which you have made; and to be firm and patient, in pain (or suffering) and adversity, and in times of war. Such as do so are people of truth. Such are the God-fearing.
(Al-Baqara, 177)And for you satan believers out there, once again you do not give Satan credit. In the eyes of Allah he is feeble in his attempt to lead us astray, but what makes you think you can identify him with such a quick glance?
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Confused,
one thing satan does and does best is whispering in your ears "see look at you... being all good and nice, and what do you get? and look at so and so, she gets everything. the good husband, the children - she's got it all, the good life...." ok, this is where you tell satan "SHUT UP... I am happy with what I have". I may not have this. I may not have that. but I have God. So, tell satan to get lost and not waste time with you.
Salaam,
bravo I agree with you 100%
May Allah protect us from all evil and guide us all to His true path pr
mmKhan -
You go girl..........or are you being ironic?
I am sure you are a perfect girl sister. I've read some of your posts and you seem to be a very nice woman or girl (don't know how old you are)
But I want to challenge you >
Please explain why you are keeping your righteousness by declining an alcoholic drink.
I am not asking because I think you are wrong, an idiot, or whatever ok? I am merely asking because I get the sense that you have an opinion but not willing to share it. If it is private and none of my business I respect that, but if not I would really like to hear what you have to say. You seem to be a smart girl, share your smartness.
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I'm 31 ) I am not keeping my righteousness by refusing the drink but rather I am confused, just like my name says. I don't know if I want to be Muslim, Christian or an atheist. When I was 26 my best friend converted to Christianity and married a pastor, that confused me even more ) I think I am lost, trapped between two worlds. I am not Eastern and I am not Western. I am not sure yet what kind of Muslim I am or if I am Muslim at all. I do pray though, I don't drink or have premarital sex. But then again these are rituals and not true tests of faith.
Egypt is a very religious country. But I'm also a journalist and here in Egypt, for some reason, most of the journalists and writers are secular and atheists. That means that 98% of my friends are secular and atheist. Yesterday I was at a New Year dinner and most of the people there were drinking like hell. They were also having full on makeout sessions right there in front of everyone to see. Even when I lived in Australia - a secular country- people didn't kiss like that publicly. But hey this is Egypt and when we are religious we are "really" religious and when we are secular we are "really" secular. I guess that makes me even more confused.
As I said I am not rejecting the drinks because I want to be right, I am just torn. Part of me wants to let go of all these suffocating rules and then another part of me, which gets smaller by the way, feels that these rules are important because they come from a divine source. This is basically my story ) -
confused,
think of it like this in any given scenario what would you regret more? living like your 'secular' friends (drinking/making out) or living like you are now?
if you do decide/choose to drink, why would you? would you feel better and happier if you did drink?
i have read the verses in the koran about alcohol. i don't agree that staying away from alcohol makes you righteous though. personally i don't drink and have never taken a sip as i don't see a need to drink alcohol. i don't need to drink to relax or loosen up. i don't need to drink to have a good time. i really avoid going to parties where people are drinking, acting stupid, slurring speech - that's when i get up and leave. and when you consider the potential harm vs benefits, well there are other ways of lowering my cholesterol levels. and the potential of abuse is greater. i am not missing out on anything and have no regrets of not drinking.
remember confused, there are consequences to our actions in this life and next. please think things through first before doing anything. i would recommend sticking with God's system as that is were true happiness is. your secular friends may look like they are having fun but are they truly happy, confused? are they waking up feeling good about themselves? would you?
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let me explain myself about why i don't agree about alcohol and righteous. if you drink a glass of wine for medical reasons, does it mean that you are not being righteous? if you are under a lot of emotional pain from divorce, job loss or whatever and you just want to numb your pain by getting drunk, does that mean you are not righteous anymore? i know people who take a sip or two of alcohol once a year on new years or at a wedding, does that mean they are not righteous?
the act of drinking or not drinking alcohol in of itself doesn't make you a righteous person. i like to hear if you disagree and why?
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let me explain myself about why i don't agree about alcohol and righteous. if you drink a glass of wine for medical reasons, does it mean that you are not being righteous? if you are under a lot of emotional pain from divorce, job loss or whatever and you just want to numb your pain by getting drunk, does that mean you are not righteous anymore? i know people who take a sip or two of alcohol once a year on new years or at a wedding, does that mean they are not righteous?
the act of drinking or not drinking alcohol in of itself doesn't make you a righteous person. i like to hear if you disagree and why?
Shalom,
I agree with you , but only on the basis of "medicinal use" to prevent a greater loss. I never liked the taste of alcoholic beverages (i hate beer in particular ). The only times I drank were alone in the night to numb myself, after few shots of vodka, I felt emotionally alot better. I could finally close my eyes and go to sleep. I would be haunted by emotion and memories, at night I used alcohol to get over it. However, I should have consulted a medical expert for any alternative that has less side effects. Doctors do intoxicate patients just to prevent greater loss when they suffer from depression, dont they ? By the way, the story that I told is from the time when I did not have a clear understanding of any deen on earth.
I didnt say all that to vote for "Say yes to Alcohol". I am only speaking for medicinal purpose. Unfortunately, rarely do they sell or consume for medicinal purpose.
Peace
----------- Student of Allah -
I refused another offer of alcohol yesterday, aren't I a perfect girl? police
Salaam C,
Great! MashaAllah!! that you refused the offer of alcohol.
Yes! Indeed, you are a perfect girl in this matter . And not only perfect, you are brave girl muscle
Just seek Allah's help on each and every matter, either big or small, and keep hold tight "the Book" of Allah which was given to us for guidance. By closing the Book and trying to make out ways will not give you any success for sure. Just try to give it more and more time to study it carefully.
May Allah guide us all to His true path pr
mmKhan -
confused,
when i was a teen (am 40 now), i asked why would God create me a sexual being and deny me the pleasures of the flesh? why is sex outside marriage a major sin? people in college were having orgies, multiple sexual partners, making out at parties. i wanted answers to my questions before i chose to join the crowd. by the time i finished med school, i got my questions answered. none of the men and women who were diagnosed with herpes, HPV, tric, HIV (especially) were really too happy. also, there is emotional aspects. we are human beings with emotions, feelings and memories. how can having multiple sexual partners or making out with guys add to my emotional, spiritual and mental well being? i sure appreciate God's commands on fornication/adultery. i am not suffering from not having boyfriends, from not having STD's, from not getting pregnant, from not having memories of kissing guys or being physically intimate.
I don't see the rule on premarital sex as suffocating but rather protective. confused, don't you think that God knows best what is good for us and for our spiritual, mental, emotional and physical wellbeing? All these people who you see and are confused by..... look at them and ask if that is how you want to live? you can choose not to take God's guidance and see for yourself. me - i sure am not the suffering kind. i learned from others and chose to stick with God in this regard. i'd rather listen to God than people.
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I'm 31 I am not keeping my righteousness by refusing the drink but rather I am confused, just like my name says. I don't know if I want to be Muslim, Christian or an atheist. When I was 26 my best friend converted to Christianity and married a pastor, that confused me even more I think I am lost, trapped between two worlds. I am not Eastern and I am not Western. I am not sure yet what kind of Muslim I am or if I am Muslim at all. I do pray though, I don't drink or have premarital sex. But then again these are rituals and not true tests of faith.
Egypt is a very religious country. But I'm also a journalist and here in Egypt, for some reason, most of the journalists and writers are secular and atheists. That means that 98% of my friends are secular and atheist. Yesterday I was at a New Year dinner and most of the people there were drinking like hell. They were also having full on makeout sessions right there in front of everyone to see. Even when I lived in Australia - a secular country- people didn't kiss like that publicly. But hey this is Egypt and when we are religious we are "really" religious and when we are secular we are "really" secular. I guess that makes me even more confused.
As I said I am not rejecting the drinks because I want to be right, I am just torn. Part of me wants to let go of all these suffocating rules and then another part of me, which gets smaller by the way, feels that these rules are important because they come from a divine source. This is basically my storyDear Sister
I am 38 so we are almost the same age. I understand you because although my background is completely different I struggle with the same question sometimes, but my doubt comes from my upbringing. It is difficult to let go of indoctrinated emotions. I grew up in a family and country who generally despise religion and they have strived for many years to be as secular as possible. I understand them because the church has for many centuries raped and pillaged this country..........Anyways, you have taken a step "backwards" (according to your society) when you question the existense of God, I have taken a step backwards according to my society because I think God exists.....
With regards to alcohol it is an integrated part of our heritage just like many other European countries. Strangely, when you travel to countries where alcoholic tradition is very strong (such as Germany, Italy and Spain) you seldom see drunk people. Believe it or not, the majority of people drink alcohol because they enjoy the taste, not for the effect of alcohol. That is why it is very difficult, almost impossible, for the non-muslim European to understand what on earth intoxication has to do with righteousness. Hard to believe when you go to a bar, but it is true.......The majority of alcohol problems come from one group, the youngsters. They are the ones who cannot handle it because they got no experience.... .........The rest of the population see intoxication as stupidity and adolesence, nothing else.......
I have no problem going to a party because I do not have to mingle with drunk people behaving like animals. If someone would do what you described your New Year eve party like it would be considered highly offensive and just plain disgusting. At least at a grown-up party (since you are 31 I assume you did not go to a teenage party). I actually enjoy talking to slightly intoxicated people because just like the saying "in vino veritas" (in wine lies the truth) people tend to let go of their tongues and ask questions they are normally too scared to ask, especially about islam. Don't get me wrong, there are of course a lot of problems with alcohol and I wish people would stop drinking so much. But I do believe all the problems that come from alcohol are made by man. It is his inability to handle a substance that is potentially lethal. But just like you do not let a child who cannot swim out of sight by the swimming pool you must learn to trust the child once he knows how to swim.
I laughed when you wrote the Egyptians really really get into something because it is true, not only for Egyptians but for many countries with "hot" blood. I guess it sometimes becomes difficult for someone like you to find a balance living in surroundings like that. Either you are pious and go to the mosque everyday or you drink til you get drunk and make out with strangers.....You make this observation about your countrymen but I do believe you are more like "them" than you realize because you give yourself only extreme choices, muslim, christian or atheist.....Why are they the only choices you have?I think you should ask yourself if you believe in God. The question is not if you believe what man says about God but if you believe in God (I stole that from a Dan Brown book). If the answer is yes it is up to you to find your path, how you want get closer to Him and how you want to connect with Him. You may end up believing what many other people believe that Allah knows more, therefore He stops you from certain things like sex outside the marriage and drinking alcohol. Maybe you will believe what not so many people believe that Allah shows you the weakness of man and calls upon you to grow stronger not from repuntance but from understanding your own weakness. There is nothing right or wrong in searching for your belief, right? To me the Quran is what gave me in. I was an atheist with a very slight tendency of agnostic before I read the Quran. After I read it, I believed in God.
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The issue here is not alcohol. I doubt that I will be much of a drinker even if I leave Islam. I lived in Australia for five years and trust me any non-drinker who lives in this country will be put off of alcohol forever. It's nothing like you describe in your country Emil. In Australia alcohol makes the world go around. People go out with the sole intention of getting drunk. I am talking now about people in their 30s or 40s not experimenting teenagers or inexperienced youngsters in their 20s.
The point I was trying to make is not about alcohol. What I meant was that I am confused and not sure what direction I should go. Muslims always complain that their religion is under threat and that their is a Western conspiracy against it. I don't agree. I think the threat comes from within the Muslims themselves and the way they have been behaving the past few decades. Here in Egypt the Salafists have personally turned me off religion. The attacks on churches, calling Christians Kafirs, threatening to destroy our ancient monuments etc. It's disgusting and I don't want to share a religion with this filth. And don't tell me that these are just crazy extremists. I have not seen the so called moderate Muslims (if they exist in the first place) stand up to any of that Salafist rubbish.
When I tell these things to my mother, she says well it's fine if you are angry with the Muslims, but you are not worshipping Muslims, you are worshipping God. She told me not to blame Islam for what the Muslims too. That's true. But let me ask you this? If every time you meet a horrible person you find out that they graduated from the same school. Would you not start doubting the school? And questioning it? And thinking that maybe it's not the students, but the school itself that posts the problem? In my opinion, at the moment, Islam is this school.