Your deeds IMO haven't been that bad. You could easily outweigh them with good deeds. If your good deeds are so many and so good, I don't see why you can't be amongst the highest ranked. Fahisha is a badness for your character, remove it replace with it better traits and hopefully you'd be really successful.

I feel better after reading your comments but I don't want to mistake this for not following the sunnah or by easing the thought of what I've done even if I haven't gone in deep enough. My every intention is to stay away from zina now that I know what it is, I am really grateful that I didn't go far in it that I would ruin my existence by doing an unlawful act.

I've changed my ways that I would not give a 2nd glance to a woman on the street. I'm staying away from tv (unless the program is acceptable and I'm spending some family time) and I'm giving up music and caffeine since these elements sway my emotions; I'm also strictly using the internet to learn Arabic and Islam.

I am a brother and thank you guys for clarifying.

My ambition in this life is to attain Al-Firdaws in the Akhira. I know that whoever fasts the month of Ramadan will have his sins forgiven the back of the head raced with thoughts concerning "Ok your sins might be forgiven but are the opportunities to attain the highest levels of paradise still there?" also I heard that even if a person might be going to Jannah but committed some sins that he will still have punishments in the grave. Are these punishments for those people that continued the wrong that they were doing or is it for everyone that committed sins in their lifetime but still asked for forgiveness?

First off I honestly am not starting this discussion with a casual attitude, I'm really scared.

I'll try and make a long story short

I'm an only child with no friends who hardly went anywhere. I grew up alone and did my daily salat whenever I could but I did not know Arabic and could not understand the verses in its entirety by just reading the English ( I realize this now). From an early age I was sexually abused by my cousins and they performed oral sex on me;I was really young and had no idea what was going on and its very painful for me to write this because I've kept this a secret for so long. These individuals that did this to me were close family, as the years passed by they never did this to me again but they lured me into traps when I got onto the computer a pornographic website showed up. Eventually in my later teens pornography became my gateway drug and I was hooked on over masturbation for years. In a society that had normalized sex I was fooling myself thinking oral sex would not be considered zina. So now I'm in my early 20s and got to know a girl on campus(she was not married), she performed this act on me a total of 3 times but I have never penetrated her vaginally but I did rub my penis against her anus (I didn't really penetrate her there). I had lost many family members recently and with the constant use of porn and jacking off I had become completely desensitized and numb even just living, I gave myself compulsive disorders making myself crazy living and getting up each day.

This happened months ago, this Ramadan though I have worked and tried so hard to change myself. I fasted the complete month and gave up pornography/masturbation, the girlfriend and all potential forms of zina. I will also be learning Arabic to read the Qu'ran Inshallah. All throughout my years since that incident happened to me I had been trying to cope with it and I never knew how to deal with the stress of always being scared. I don't know what Allah thinks of me but I asked and will continue to ask for his complete forgiveness.

I am just scared of judgment day, I feel like these past sins will scorn me even in the grave (where I might be punished). It's like I grew up in life confused and vaguely knowing anything about Islam and the more knowledge I knew the more everything looked completely different after I knew it. I now know what the meanings when they tell me to stay away from zina and the dunya on such a fundamental level.

I'm scared of Allah and the questions he will have for me.