A Bush Era Devil's Dictionary
Herewith, then, entries (or are they entrees?) for a modern Devil's Dictionary (with a small bow to Ambrose Bierce).
Homeland n A term successfully used by the Germans and the Soviets in World War II, less successfully (and in the plural) by Apartheid-era South Africa.
It means neither home, nor land, has replaced both country and nation in American public speech, and is seldom wielded without the companion word "security." It is the place to which imperial forces return for R&R.
Homeland Security synonymous with Homeland insecurity.
Homeland Security Department The new Defense Department, known for declaring bridges yellow and the Statue of Liberty orange.
Homelandism n a neologism for love of the Homeland Security State as in, "My Homeland, ?tis of thee, sweet security state of liberty?"
Intelligence n What Dick Cheney wants and the CIA must provide -- or else. (See, Iraq, weapons of mass destruction)
Nationalism n How foreigners love their country (when they do). A very dangerous phenomenon that can lead to extremes of passion, blindness, and xenophobia. (See, Terrorism)
Oil n 1. Black gold. 2. (defunct acronym) Operation Iraqi Liberation or OIL (name changed to Operation Iraqi Freedom, OIF, without explanation). 3. What the Bush administration wasn't after in Iraq and isn't after in Iran. (See, Democracy)
Patriotism n How Americans love their country. A trait so positive you can't have too much of it, and if you do, then you are a super-patriot which couldn't be better. (Foreigners cannot be patriotic. See, Nationalism)
Pentagon n Formerly, the Defense Department, but since we now have a new defense department (see, Homeland Security Department), soon be renamed the Global Forward Deployment Department or GFDD (Ge-Fudd). Its forward-deployed headquarters will be established in a two-sided building, the Duogon, now being constructed in Bahrain out of sand imported from the beaches of Texas by Halliburton subsidiary KBR. From there, it plans to rule the known world.
Arlie Hochschild
Environmental Protection Agency Economic Predators Inc.
Homeland Security Advisory System Color-coded program for emotional destabilization.
Leave No Child Behind Social class divide maintenance system
Adam Hochschild
Senate n Exclusive club, entry fee $10 to $30 million.
House of Representatives Exclusive club, entry fee $1 to $5 million.
Washington Press Corps Extension of White House and Pentagon press offices.
Chalmers and Sheila Johnson
Stuff Happens Donald Rumsfeld as master historian.
March of Freedom Around the World John Negroponte's career.
Shock and Awe A classic combination like "surf and turf"; special effects produced at missile point by the U.S. military. (See, State Terrorism).
Bill Moyers
Burning Bush A biblical allusion to the response of the President of the United States when asked a question by a journalist who has not been paid to inquire.
Jonathan Schell
Republican Party A party that assails the foundations of the Republic, attacking the balance and separation of powers (See, Assertions of Untrammeled Presidential Authority -- to violate domestic and international laws forbidding torture); habeas corpus (See, Assertion of Right to Lock Away "Enemy Combatants" Forever -- without due process of law); and federalism (See, Legislative and Executive Rampage -- to overturn state court decisions in the Terry Schiavo case).
Orville Schell
Strategic Competitor (China branch) Containing China militarily while using it as an industrial park for outsourcing low-paying and often polluting industries.
Michael Schwartz
Democracy n A country where the newspapers are pro-American.
Public Opinion Polls Progress reports for spin doctors.
Stephen Shalom
Checks and Balances. The system whereby the campaign checks of the few balance the interests of the many.
Free Speech Zone The area to which those who differ from the administration are confined should they be so audacious as to wish to exercise their right of free speech.
Free Press 1. Government propaganda materials covertly funded with a quarter of a billion dollars of taxpayer money but given out for free to the press and then broadcast without any acknowledgment of the government's role in their preparation. 2. Newspapers that obscure the truth on behalf of corporate and government interests for free.
Town-hall Meeting A meeting in a hall in a town where all the participants have first been vetted for loyalty to the Bush administration.
Mandate 1. The opinion expressed by about a quarter of the eligible voters. 2. The opinion reflected in an electoral-vote margin smaller than in any 20th century election other than 1916 and 2000. 3. The opinion expressed by the smallest popular vote margin obtained by a sitting president since 1916.
Rebecca Solnit
China See WalMart.
Death n An increasingly rare phenomenon, no longer occurring among soldiers of the U.S. army or civilians in affected countries. However, the media reports that death is still caused by lone gunmen and over-consumption of saturated fats as well as natural disasters.
Democracy n 1. A product so extensively exported that the domestic supply is depleted. 2. When they vote for us. (See, tyranny When they vote for someone else.)
Liberal adj Widely used after the words progressive, radical, left, revolutionary, and insurrectionary were banned from the mainstream media, having the double benefit of making moderates seem vaguely dangerous and making revolutionaries seem vaguely embarrassing and ineffectual. Liberal media Ted Koppel and anarchist zines.
Negroponte, John Good diplomat, in the sense that Pol Pot is a good family-planner.
Ownership Society You no longer own your national parks, your public transit, your commons, your government, your Bill of Rights, or your future, but you may purchase a Burger King franchise or some stocks with your WalMart earnings.
Peace n What war is for.
Security n Something to be applied to the homeland but not to the social.
Social Security A good idea except for two problems Social verges on socialism and guarantees of security violate a free market.
The Marketplace of Ideas Buy low, sell high.
WalMart The nation-state, future tense.
Nick Turse
Abuse n Modern word for what was once referred to as torture. An interim term, soon to be replaced by "tough love" (which, in turn, is expected to be replaced by "freedom's caress").
Mullah n 1. (archaic) Religious teacher or leader, a title of respect in Islamic countries, pronounced "mull-a." 2. (informal) In the modern presidential vernacular, a title of disrespect (pronounced "moo-lah") in reference to Muslims deemed too fanatical to be bought-off by American "moo-lah."
Rummy slang 1. (archaic) A person so drunk he can't recall a thing. 2. (modern) A SECDEF so drunk on power that he refuses to remember anything.
Support the Troops A mandatory mantra which need no longer be mouthed since full "support" can be offered with a simple $1 investment in a magnetic yellow ribbon to affix to the back of your SUV.
Chip Ward
Healthy Forests Forests made safe from the ravages of nature, i.e. bugs and fires, by removal to pulp mills and lumber yards.
Wilderness n 1. Publicly owned former habitat for wildlife, often endangered, where private corporations go wild drilling for oil and gas, grazing cattle, logging, and building roads. 2. Off-road vehicle theme parks characterized by abundant stumps, oil slicks, tire tracks, flattened owls, and coughing caribou.
