Its been on my mind some time now so i figure i'll post just a short account of my story
I can remeber when i was young i had a belief in god, just god didn't have the title God, it was no name rather a feeling. My family's Shia Ismiialis the second largest branch of shiaism nect to the twelvers. Religion always interested me, mainly christianity, I loved drawing and still do, the image of Jesus on the cross always had a strong hold on me when i first saw it, to me that image is islam in the nut shell, to crucify your self (will) and let god shine through.
In grade 9 i went to a largely Sunni school, i am atteneding my last semester there next year and been a muslim who had no idea that there was a difference between a sunni or shiites beliefs they tought me thier method of praying and how dogs are evil and what not, every friday i would go to mosque when i found out you got to miss class. I stopped going around mid grade 10 because everyone there was just the same as everyone else outside the mosque other than thier title 'sunni'. I remeber them saying this or that was forbidden by the prophet but they still did it, they were as human as you and me and the ones that i met had apperantly never thoroughly questioned thier belief system. The summer of that year my dad suggested that i take a course in ismiili summer school, i stopped going after a few weeks because everyone was to advanced and i knew nothing.
As a youth i had told my self that i was going to read the bible one day (then i assumed that was the only religious book) and see what it says for it's self.
In grade 11 i had met a christian girl in my class and she was a really nice person, my interest in religion was rising high, i met other muslims who were intersted in Islam to the point where they read about it but the books they gave me were largely based on the hadiths, they didn't really make any sense i didn't believe god would require such inconviences without a logical reason.
After meeting the christian lady i had told her about my interests in religion and she said i could meet a friend of hers who could explain it to me. We met and he only talked about the bible, he was trying to convert me and was been so nice, when i recollect on that i always think of a car sales man saying ' so whats it gonna take to get you saved today?'. My dad found out about this and had more steam than a kettle, he called hte man up told me to stay away from him and then told my whole family. One of my aunts called me up and told me that you cant be nothing but an ismiiali and not to leave etc.. when i asked her questions her answers were contradictory and made no sense, i eventually realized that my family knew nothing about the religion we were so proudly members of.
After this a questoin had bore on my mind, the preacher/car sales man had told me that if i 'reject' Jesus then i would spend an eternity in hell. Although an interesting thing that had come up was that one of my teachers was a preistess at that church and she was not forceful and did not try to convert me, she rather said to think it out and when im 18 i can make my own choice on what ever religion i wanted, i was dissappointed in that and rember she told me that the whole church had prayed for me-i am positive that thier prayers had helped me because by the summer-which was a few months from then-i was reading the quran.
I got a notebook and wrote down every word i did not understand, after only been partially through the second chapter i had several pages of words to look up in the dictionary! At first the Quran read kind of like gibirish to me, some of it made sense but most of it confused me!...
At my school i stuck to my self, so i had plenty of time to think, in the beggingin of grade 12 last years semmester i decided that i would go to the mosque everyday at lunch and read the Quran, when i think back to that it feels like several years have passed since i begand reading the Quran but it was only so recently. As for the hadiths i never was able to see the logic of a book to understand a book and all the rituals, i had not rejected them but rather just disregarded them after reading them in light of reading the quran.
The question about JEsus been God still bore on my mind in october i had bought a book about a man named Edgar Cayce called There is a river, it is now my second favourite book to the Quran. It made sense of everything, my conclusion on Jesus been called God is like that of Shakespears ' A rose by any other name would still be the same' (bad paraphrasing).
I began to notice consistincies in the way the traditional, Christian or Sunni or Ismiiali spoke, it was like listening to a cd on repeat.
I only debated online on the internet where there were forums for that just to find the truth with people who were interested in it or with people if they initited it, however i was constantly bothered when muslims did things completely in opposition to the Quran, however the beast is tranquilized asleep and only rarely am i confronted by him, when ever it occours i try to remind my self that i should not judge, we all bear witness against our selves.
Everyday at lunch i would read the Quran, i think i finally completed it before or shortly after december, i really liked the book but alot of it still did not make sense to me. I was extremely interested in religion, especially christianity and Islam, i begand to learn about christianitys covered up past, about councils to abolish this or that and the politics of religion, i did not find your site until mid 2004 by accident, it was a serach i did on the internet and a e-book on your site came up. The site is really the kind of Islamic site that i couldn't find and didn't think existed. I decided to read the Quran again during 2004 and this time highlight the verses that deal with the afterlife-the hereafter as well has always been an interest of mine.
THe Quranic was slowly opening up to me or better yet vice versa, again i read the quran and highlighted any verses that ment something to me and by this summer i had once again taken up reading the Quran and now have noticed soooooooooo much that i am amazed that i overlooked it and don't know how, i highliight verses that have some meaning to me and everypage is highlighted that this whole book when im done will be nothing but black ink!
What i plan to do is translate the Quran my self one day just because i'll now never stop reading this book, i plan to talk a class in arabic after i finish school and after learning the fundementals i'll take up reading the aribic english quaran with a dictionary by my side and god's guidance.
As a youth my mother would take me and my brother to an art bookstore to buy art books and we studied and read these, i think this was what caused me to analyse everything im told rather than just do it. Also in grade 8 i heared a tupac song and actually listened to the words, they were strong and opened my mind to soooo much, basically these two influences play'd a majour role in my thinking, when things were hard i always had a tupac joint in my head telling me 'even when the road is hard never give up.....'
This my story for all who are interested, its good to get some of them thoughts off my chest and onto my desk.
pz
